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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JULY 22, 2023
NEWARK, N.J.
AIRED LIVE ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Nigel McGuinness & Ian Riccaboni (We miss you, J.R.)
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
– Heyyy! Welcome back, friends, foes, and that one guy who keeps leaving me creepy messages in my requests folder on Instagram. Gather around the flames of the fire-filled dumpster of opinions that is my weekly Hits & Misses column. (Not to be confused with the 1981 punk-rock song “Hits and Misses” by Stiff Little Fingers that you’re just now learning exists.)
COLD OPEN — HIT
So far, these cold opens have been a perpetual hit with me, and I genuinely hope AEW will consider expanding them to Dynamite and Rampage because they are quick and easy ways to enhance the product.
As for the promos contained in this week’s cold open:
– The Acclaimed & Daddy Ass’s Portion: The Acclaimed promised they’d win because everyone loves them because that is how sports work, and Daddy Ass wore the gay leopard version of Marjorie Taylor Greene’s State of the Union outfit.
– Action Andretti & Darius Martin’s Portion: Both men said stuff, but has anyone heard from Dante Martin? Like, is he getting better? Do we have a timetable? I miss him so much. (Also, he’s Spider-man, and if you don’t believe me, you can read the indisputable evidence that proves this objective fact is my opinion HERE.)
– Team “White Juice” & The Assboys’ Portion: Juice Robinson bragged that he is alive, which is good, IG, and Jay White threatened the world with new Gunn Club t-shirts.
– Ricky Starks’s Portion: Wow, de-aging software has worked wonders on The Rock!
OPENING PROMO — HIT
– Ricky Starks’s Portion: Despite being on fire, Starks managed to somehow avoid heat.
– C.M Punk’s Portion: I haven’t seen a crowd this divided since Laurel wrestled Yanny.
– Christian’s Portion: Fresh off of smuggling a Faberge egg out of a museum, dastardly Bond villain, part-time wrestler, and full-time TNT champion Christian Cage stole the show and refused to give it back unless the show’s father paid him one million dollars.
– Darby Allin’s Portion: C.M. Punk’s IRL BFF, Darby Allin, made it through an entire segment without trying to murder himself.
Tonight’s opening exchange set up a Christian Cage & Ricky Starks vs. C.M. Punk & Darby Allin tag team match as the main event, and I wish they had advertised that ahead of time because that is a very appealing main event.
ACTION ANDRETTI & DARIUS MARTIN vs. JAY WHITE & JUICE ROBINSON (w/The Assboys) — MINOR HIT
This was a perfectly passable match. It had flips, spots, and a “Daddy doesn’t love you!” chant. (As a writer of tasteful jokes, that chant feels like trademark infringement.)
THE DIRECTOR IN THE PRODUCTION TRUCK — MISS
The director literally missed the ending of that last match, and they had to go back and replay it. That is unacceptable, and I say that as someone who has been in the director’s seat for live programming and knows firsthand just how hard it is to get every cut right. However, this is not an isolated incident. During the thoroughly enjoyable ROH PPV this past weekend, we got a random close-up of Dutch blading himself, a shot of the Lucha Bros. waiting to yank a referee out of the ring, and multiple missed spots.
In fact, believe it or not, and despite my annoying optimism, I disliked Wednesday’s Blood & Guts match. That match did not connect with me at all because the production truck didn’t allow it to. While I know some people on Wade Keller’s post-show complained about “fake-looking” glass or the bed of nails not being dangerous enough, none of that phased me in the slightest. (I respect their opinions, but I also like wrestlers not dying.) What phased me was the director missing several spots, including a wrestler flattening a chair, a wrestler escaping the cage, and a wrestler tapping out to end the match. The performers served up top-shelf performances, but the director served up rock-bottom mistakes.
To me, the point of a match is to tell a cohesive and emotional story, and that is especially true for longer matches. The biggest thing that hampered the Blood & Guts match, the Death Before Dishonor pay-per-view, and Andretti & Martin vs. Team “White Juice” was the TV crew, director, and commentators missing spots and not explaining the things we weren’t seeing. And for that matter, it shouldn’t be the job of the commentators to explain the things we aren’t seeing because it is the job of the director to make sure we are seeing them.
/rant
MIRO vs. NICK COMOROTO — HIT
I haven’t seen Comoroto in a while, and he looked far more impressive than I remember. They should use him more often, and they should push Miro straight to the moon (but with oxygen and a way to get back to Earth before the next show.)
(Also, hire Lana.)
THE REFEREE STARTING THE MATCH AFTER A SNEAK ATTACK — WTF?
At my next figure skating contest, I’m gonna clock Bastian over the head with my skate guards right before he steps onto the ice to see if that affects his performance because, apparently, referees are down with that now. Who knew?
HOUSE OF BLACK vs. THE ACCLAIMED — MINOR HIT
The reason this wasn’t a major hit with me was because I’ve been looking forward to this match ever since The Acclaimed declared they were going after the Trios Titles, and it ended after just five minutes of action.
BILLY GUNN’S RETIREMENT (MAYBE?) — HIT
Fountain of Youth Alchemist Billy Gunn took off his boots after taking the pinfall in the Trios Title match, and I have to admit, I felt a lump in the back of my throat. (Don’t worry; I know how to use a chair to execute the Heimlich maneuver.) But all joking aside (ringside, to be specific), I don’t know for certain if that “retirement” was real or not, but if it wasn’t real, Gunn’s acting made it feel real. If that was acting? I think that was acting. I hope that was acting.
I don’t want to see Gunn retire because somehow, someway, with the unfettered determination of a man who is clearly blackmailing a vampire, he has managed to become as entertaining today as he was at the very peak of his career. So, unless it’s an injury, I hope Gunn sticks around for as long as he can because I like him and I am entertained by him (even if he does have a Dorian Gray painting hidden in his crawlspace.)
THE CROWD CHANTING “YOU STILL GOT IT!” — HIT
Damn right.
FTR PROMO — MISS
I actually felt bad for FTR during this. These guys have busted their butts and, just last week, they gave us one of the greatest tag team matches of all time, yet the crowd refused to give them the reaction their promo deserved. Instead, the crowd booed Dax for saying that comedy skits and dance breaks offended him, and I was taken aback (and affront.)
To be fair, maybe there is something to be said for dance-offs and comedy in wrestling at the highest levels. Otherwise, the fans would not feel so passionately about it. Heck, my boyfriend thoroughly enjoyed last week’s impromptu dance-off segment, even if I was personally a little bit skeptical of why there were dance lights involved. (Does AEW set up a disco ball every week just in case Troye Sivan learns to wrestle?)
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SKYE BLUE vs. TAYA VALKYRIE — MINOR HIT
I enjoyed this, but once again, they cut to a commercial break three minutes into the women’s match…
VALKYRIE’S PROMO — HIT
Valkyrie gave a breathless (literally) promo in which she taunted Britt Baker for doing Britt Baker things and challenged her to a dance-off. I mean a wrestling match. I mean, unless Troye Sivan shows up.
C.M. PUNK & DARBY ALLIN vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE & RICKY STARKS — HIT
This match itself was very good, but I want to talk about Christian.
Christian is phenomenal right now. He is literally doing some of the best work of his career, and he is currently one of the most entertaining things on either Collision OR Dynamite. In fact, on this weekend’s stellar edition of Wade Keller’s Pro-Wrestling Post-Show (which you can listen to HERE), Keller suggested that Christian might just be the most entertaining heel in the business who is not named Roman Reigns.
I think Keller is right.
A lot of younger heels really need to take the time to study what Christian is doing and replicate it in their own ways. Christian needs to set up a workshop deep in the bowels of his underground lair where he can explain to young wrestlers how he learned to cut heel promos, raid Steve Job’s closet, steal Willem Dafoe’s blazers, and maintain the shark tank he lowers Batman into each week.
Christian is a legend. He is the youngest man to ever manage Luchasaurus; he has only lost one Final Burial match in his entire life, and he is the second most successful wrestler to ever come out of Orangeville, Canada. For these reasons and many others, out of all of the men who ever won the TNT Title without actually winning it, Christian Cage is my favorite. And you know what? Despite his heelish ways, I am actually every bit as proud of that statement as I am sure Christian Cage is proud of having participated in the first-ever, Dave-Meltzer-Award-Winning* Reverse Battle Royal. Wow, what an icon.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Collision is a better show than Dynamite, and I don’t say that lightly. I know we only have a very small sample size, and I know I’m an unusually pollyannish reviewer, but so far, every single episode of this show has been well-paced, well-wrestled, and well worth my time. I hope the fans of Dynamite will consider giving Collision a sincere chance because it deserves better than the ratings it is getting.
SHOW GRADE: B
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, when gathering around the dumpster fire of opinions that is my column, it is sometimes okay to roast people, but it is never okay to eat them.
(A picture of David Bryant juggling fire can be found on his Twitter page @IamDavidBryant; a video of David Bryant playing guitar can be found on his Instagram page @IamDavidBryant, and a profile picture sitting above an empty void of absolutely nothing can be found on David Bryant’s Threads page @IamDavidBryant. Also, having just now read back over this paragraph, I feel like I could have written this in a more concise manner, which, coincidentally, is also the working title of every book I have ever written.)
*Worst Worked Match of 2006
CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S COLUMN: AEW COLLISION HITS & MISSES (7/15): FTR vs. Juice & Jay, Soho vs. Willow, Q.T. Marshall-Hobbs segment, Starks-Punk, Starks cheating
OR CHECK OUT JASON POWELL’S REVIEW OF THIS WEEKEND’S SHOW: AEW Collision results (7/22): Powell’s live review of House of Black vs. Acclaimed & Gunn, Jay & Juice vs. Andretti & Darius, Skye Blue vs. Valkyrie
Subscribe to Wade Keller’s free podcasts by searching “Wade Keller” in your podcast app. They include a weekly flagship episode (blue-logo show) and the post-shows after Raw, Dynamite, Smackdown, and Rampage (red logo show) with a mix of best-of episodes too!
Dear lord, who wrote this? a 15 year old? This might be one of the worst posts that this site has ever posted. Every clever “hot take” missed the mark, and the pop culture references were cringe.