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AEW COLLISION – HITS & MISSES
JULY 1, 2023
TAPED 6/26 IN HAMILTON, ONT.
AIRED ON TNT
BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Heyyy! I’m back with yet another column full of way more words than a Hits & Misses column should have!
LAST WEEK’S RATINGS — MISS
This may seem like a weird way to start a Hits & Misses column, but my nose runs a travel agency for places it does not belong, and my brain is on vacation there.
While AEW obviously missed out on a significant portion of its potential viewers last week, I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was the viewers who missed out on AEW. Last week’s episode of Collision was one of the best sophomore efforts anyone could have reasonably expected from a brand-new program, and I am honestly baffled by last week’s ratings decline. I know time-shifted viewing made up for many of the live viewers Collision lost, but I also know that watching a recorded show is rarely the same as watching something as it happens.
In the past, I have not been shy or reticent to call out AEW when I think they’re doing something wrong (See my recent “Tony Khan’s Mistake” column.), but last week felt like they were doing (almost) everything right. Is it because wrestling viewers only have so much time they can devote to any one brand? Is it because the show airs on Saturday nights? (I love club hopping as much as the next guy, and I am literally a retired male entertainer, but who is out there trying to make it to the clubs by 10 p.m.? Nothing fun happens at a nightclub before midnight; trust me.)
Is it none of those things?
Is there something else I am missing?
I would genuinely like to know, so please feel free to leave a (decorous) comment, and I promise I will read any polite, sincere, good-faith comments with an open mind.
COLD OPEN — HIT
Much like ice cream is cold, these cold opens are delicious, and I cannot get enough of them. Please keep these segments as a staple of AEW Collision. They are a quick, easy way to capture people’s attention and immediately invest them in the show.
MJF’S ENTRANCE — HIT
MJF celebrated the 4th of July early by wearing star-spangled Americana gear in Canada and once again proved he knows how to agitate anyone in any room at any given time.
MJF vs. KIP MORST — HIT
MJF handpicked his victim tonight, and Dasha Gonzalez made sure to let the crowd know that tonight’s prey was a local talent. This got exactly the reaction you would expect it to get, and MJF basked in it like a snake in the sun.
MJF’S POST-MATCH PROMO — MISS
I don’t live in Hamilton, Canada.
ETHAN PAGE’S PROMO — HIT
Ethan Page DOES live in Hamilton, Canada, and he cut the best promo I’ve ever seen him cut. Some of the guests on the Wade Keller Pro Wrestling Post-Show weren’t keen on Ethan’s promo leaning heavily on the town he hailed from, but I loved it. To me, it felt less like a localized promo and more like the backstory Ethan’s character has been missing since he debuted. This was also one of the few times someone out-talked MJF on the microphone, and I applaud MJF for selling Ethan’s promo like he’d just watched it shave his depressed cat.
MJF vs. ETHAN PAGE — HIT
When the bell first rang, a small part of me feared Page was about to experience a buried alive match sans grave, but I am glad to say my fears were sans merit.
DUSTIN RHODES vs. POWERHOUSE HOBBS (w/Q.T. Deadweight) — HIT (w/Caveats)
The match itself was great, and I applaud both men for putting on a stellar performance. I loved watching Dustin Rhodes wrestle, and every match he has feels special because I know there aren’t that many left. (Also, no one does a powerslam like Dustin Rhodes! He should make that one of his finishers.)
THE AFOREMENTIONED CAVEATS — MISS
However, Powerhouse Hobbs really needs to get away from Q.T. Marshall. If AEW wants Powerhouse Hobbs involved with Outhouse Marshall, there are really only two options that make sense:
(1) Evolve Marshall’s TV Land character into a Heyman-esque mastermind.
OR
(2) Have Hobbs turn on Marshall and beat the dumb out of his ass.
As I’ve said before, I’m not writing this because I don’t want to see Q.T. Marshall on my TV screen; I’m writing this because he seems completely miscast in his current role. For example, consider the ending of this match — it was, is, and will always be stranger than strange to see a Comic-book-sized monster need interference from a 1950s-looking Postal Worker.
Q.T. Marshall mixes well with characters like Johnny TV and Harley Cameron. Hobbs mixes well with characters like Don Calis or Paul Heyman. But – and I cannot emphasize this enough – Hobbs and Marshall mix worse than David Zaslav and things people like.
SAMOA JOE vs. RODRICK STRONG VIGNETTE — HIT
This made the show’s main event feel important, and that is something AEW should strive for every time they are on the air.
MIRO vs. ANTHONY HENRY — HIT
While this squash wasn’t quite on the level of MJF vs. MORST, I’m still pretty sure I saw Henry’s soul get stomped out of his chest more than once. I know I shouldn’t be okay with watching attempted manslaughter, but I’m not alone in my feelings because the crowd spent most of the match chanting “Miro.”
Miro should be as close to the top of the card as he can get without derailing MJF’s current run of grotesque exquisiteness, and I hope these squash matches are an indication that Tony Khan sees this as clearly as I do. Miro is money begging to be made, and it is time for AEW to cash in.
(Also, hire Lana.)
BULLET CLUB GOLD IN-RING PROMO (THE JAY WHITE PORTION) — HIT
Speaking of money, Jay White is gold, and he has the stable to prove it. Plus, you gotta love (or hate) (or love to hate) how White is the most insidious kind of bully. The way he intimidates Schiavone by putting his arm around him is relatable, deplorable, and thoroughly enjoyable.
The following exchange was just one of the many highlights of this promo:
Schiavone: “Now, we do understand that members of the Bullet Club are —”
White: “—are amazing.”
Schiavone: “—banned from ringside.”
White: “—WHAT?”
Jay White is like if the soul of everyone who ever made someone’s high school life miserable found its way into the body of a long-lost member of Degeneration-X.
BULLET CLUB GOLD IN-RING PROMO (THE GUNN CLUB) — MAYBE?
Speaking of long-lost members of Degeneration X, Colton Gunn and Austin Gunn joining the Bullet Club sounds like a horrible idea until you see it happen. I was shocked by how easily these two shifted their demeanor from comedic to threatening. Everything they said during this promo was gold (and Bullet Club alloyed).
Now, I admit that in the past I have made unfair and disparaging remarks about the Gunn Club, and I promise that from this day forth I will continue to do so.
The one thing I wish they would have done differently is not have laughed off their “suck it” line late into the promo. When they shouted their dad’s old catchphrase, “suck it,” they did so with an air of such hateful malice and smarmy spunk that it felt like they owned the line rather than borrowed it.
FTR & C.M. PUNK & STARKS PROMO (PUNK’S PART) — HIT
I’m not sure this is a popular opinion, but I like C.M. Punk carrying around his mystery bag because I’m assuming it might not hold what we think it holds. If that isn’t the case, I will be slightly disappointed, but I will still enjoy seeing MJF and Punk tangle over who is the real champion of AEW. While I know this whole “bag thing” breaks sporting norms, I also know that wrestlers shoot lightning bolts out of their hands and get married while unconscious.
FTR & PUNK & RICKY STARKS PROMO (FTR’S PART) — MISS
This felt like a rare miss from FTR. It didn’t seem like they were all that interested one way or the other in Team White-Juice’s challenge for their championship gold. (Now that the Assboys are members, can I call them Team White-Ass-Juice?)
FTR & PUNK & STARKS PROMO (STARK’S PART) — HIT
Starks is an incredible wordsmith, and someday, he’ll be a goldsmith, too.
RICKY STARKS vs. JUICE ROBINSON (The Match) — MISS
I am a big fan of Starks’s wrestling, Starks’s promos, and Starks’s chiseled facial features, but in this instance, Starks and Robinson did not mesh well at all. This match featured several clunky mistakes that are uncharacteristic of both performers. On Wade Keller’s Pro Wrestling Post Show, Keller said, “(Starks and Hobbs) seemed to be wrestling to the beat of a different metronome,” and while I don’t always agree with Keller’s takes (see my reaction to Ethan Page’s Promo), this take is 100 percent accurate, and the above quote explains exactly what went wrong with this match.
RICKY STARKS vs. JUICE ROBINSON (The Outcome) — HIT
After the Hobbs match, but before the Starks match, I wrote in my notes (the ones I take for this column), “I hope Starks wins his bracket to set up a callback match between Hobbs and Starks.”
My hopes came true, and I plan to start writing random wishes in my notes going forward.
CHRISTIAN CAGE PROMO — MASSIVE HIT
Christian is doing some of the best work of his career, and I hope he celebrates his championship reign in new ways every single week. Few people have worked as hard to earn a title as Christian has worked to put this TNT Championship around his waist, and with Luchasaurus cheering him on, I know he will prove to be the greatest TNT Champion to have never won the belt.
KRIS STATLANDER vs. LADY FROST — IN THE MIDDLE
This match was far from awful, but it wasn’t Statlander’s best, and it was hindered by cutting to a commercial break only two minutes into the bout. That said, I enjoyed Statlander’s entrance (Minus Serena Deeb’s robe), and I liked her face paint.
I think Statlander should start wearing face paint in the vein of Ziggy Stardust because I like Ziggy Stardust and because Stardust teamed with Goldust, and Godust was played by Dustin Rhodes, and Dustin Rhodes works with the women in AEW’s women’s division, and Kris Statlander is a part of that women’s division, and I have lost track of my reasoning because I have ADHD, but I’m sure there was a point in there somewhere. (Having just now read that back, I see there is not.)
ANDRADE EL IDOLO PROMO — HIT
TIL the House of Black controls TV sets by the magic powers invested in blackmailing someone in the control booth (I assume). Also, Andrade wants his mask back, and while his fury came off more than a little petulant, I’d be more than a little petulant, too, if someone stole my Batman villain cosplay mask.
SAMOA JOE vs. RODERICK STRONG — MINOR HIT
This was a good match, but it wasn’t the epic I was expecting from these two. It is worth seeing, and you will enjoy watching it, but I’m giving it a “minor” hit because I was hoping it would hit harder. (That sounds like the name of a Courtney Love song.) However, regardless of how hard it hit, these are two amazing workers, and the right man won.
C.M. PUNK ON COMMENTARY — MASSIVE HIT
Punk’s nonchalant personality came off spectacularly on commentary. He sold his investment in the outcome of this match; he traded barbs with Joe after the match, and then, after telling Somoa Joe that he wasn’t impressed by him, he secretly confided to the announcers, “I was impressed by him.”
AFTERMATH OF SAMOA JOE vs. RODERICK STRONG — HIT
After the match, I was still a little incredulous at the idea of a “heel” Joe going up against a “face” Punk, and not just because defining people by their body parts feels sexist. Both men have monumental legacies that make you want to cheer them, Joe is so dominant in the ring that it becomes easy to root for him, and Punk’s individualism and confidence are endearing unless you’re a millionaire who should be a billionaire.
However, this closing segment cemented Joe as a heel in my mind. The viciousness with which Joe slammed Strong into an awaiting steel chair, Punk rushing into the ring, Adam Cole rushing to his friend’s aid, and Strong leaving on a stretcher made me despise Joe and want to see Punk beat him like he is choking on tar.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This show wasn’t as good as the last two, but that doesn’t mean it was bad. Its “Misses” felt more substantial than last week’s, but its “Hits” kept me from coming anywhere close to losing interest. Overall, I recommend watching the show in its entirety. The gems in this week’s show shined brighter than the glare of its most glaring mistakes.
SHOW GRADE: B-
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, burning down your house to get rid of the ants is never a good idea, even if you’re Elon Musk.
David Bryant’s Twitter (if the app hasn’t self-immolated by the time this is published) is @IamDavidBryant, and David Bryant’s Instagram (which features unlimited views!) is also @IamDavidBryant.
Dear lord, was this written by somebody who is in his third term of college creative writing?