SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Heyyy! I’m back for a second week of hard-hitting (and hard-missing) analysis of AEW’s newest offering: Collision. This second-ever episode of Collision emanated live from Toronto’s Scotiabank Arena just 24 hours before AEW’s crossover spectacular Forbidden Door 2! (The PPV, not the porno.) I am pumped for this event, and I hope you are too because flat tires are dangerous, and you should not drive to pay-per-views with flat tires.
Because of my tendency to get distracted by things that are entirely unrelated to professional wrestling, I’m going to jump straight into talking about something entirely unrelated to professional wrestling. Did you know that the Scotiabank Arena was built on the bones of an old post office? In fact, it still retains aspects of that building, including its south and east walls. Also, Toronto used to be called York, but I’m guessing they ditched their old name because a newer York popped up on the other side of Lake Ontario. Maybe. IDK. Actually, I’m 90 percent sure that wasn’t the reason, but this report is supposed to be about wrestling, and I don’t even know why this paragraph exists.
•COLD OPEN — HIT
Tonight’s show featured a cold open (which is not a hockey tournament) containing promos from both Team Punk and Team White. These promos were simple, effective, to-the-point, and featured the words “Give your balls a tug,” “Bang Bang Gang,” and “The Gunns are always up.”
•OPENING WITH TONY SCHIAVONE IN THE RING — MISS
I like Tony Schiavone, but there’s something jarring about cutting straight from blasting music, blazing pyro, and roaring crowds to Schiavone in the ring — alone.
•THE IN-RING SEGMENT THAT FOLLOWED — HIT
The segment that followed that jarring transition was a hoot! Seeing Sting and Chris Jericho glare at each other to the sound of “Holy Shit!” chants made both men seem larger than life and the audience seem like they might have diarrhea. The announcement of Tetsuya Naito teaming with Darby Allin and Sting went over like a rainbow, and Schiavone’s “STIIIIING!” dripped with nostalgia. This whole segment was a win.
Side note: Bring back Sting’s snow. His entrances were way cooler with the snow and not just because snow is cold.
•STING’S SHIRT TAG STICKING OUT OF HIS COLLAR — MISS
My irrational OCD forced me to spend half of this segment eyeballing Darby Allin in hopes that he would tuck in Sting’s errant shirt tag. Also, I feel like that’s a totally normal observation, and everyone reading this will relate to it.
•MIRO’S VIGNETTE — HIT
It’s impressive to me how Miro is always able to find that one broom closet in every arena that has a yellow light on the floor and is moderately on fire.
I’m also impressed by Miro’s intensity, delivery, and ability to look like a freak of nature in the best way. That said, I was initially skeptical of Miro renouncing his hot, flexible wife and swiping left on God; however, on Wade Keller’s Pro Wrestling Post-Show, Keller and Dehnel convinced me to keep an open mind.
So, whatever Miro has up his sleeve, I’m game for it as long as that game isn’t a video game, an arcade game, or Kris Statlander jumping out of a claw machine.
•HIROSHI TANAHASHI vs. SWERVE STRICKLAND (w/Prince Nana) — MISS
Collision’s first match of the night did not begin until 17 minutes into the program. To be honest, that’s totally fine, and I didn’t really even notice it because everything that preceded the match was entertaining AF; however, the match itself was not.
Tanahashi looked off and in pain at various points throughout this match, and late in the match, he fell while climbing to the top rope. To be clear, I’m not dragging Tanahashi. Tanahashi is a legend, but that is also part of my problem with this match because legends should be saved for legendary moments.
I realize Strickland getting to wrestle Tanahashi is a big deal, but while I strongly believe having New Japan’s stars on television is a great way to hype Forbidden Door, I also believe their first outings should have been saved for the pay-per-view itself.
It’s been a full year since many of these acts have been showcased at this level on North American television, and I think it would behoove both companies to keep people wondering and speculating about what their matches against AEW’s stars will look like. If you’re going to charge $50 for an event, you need to do everything you can to make that event feel so special that the people who don’t watch it envy the people who do.
•BRODY KING (w/Julia Hart) vs. ANDRADE EL IDOLO — HIT
The rehabilitation of Julia Hart has to be one of the greatest miracles I’ve ever seen. (Maybe Miro’s “God of Wrestling” is real?) Hart literally went from ass to badass so fast that I’m half convinced my TV is a time machine.
I’m very interested to see where they go with Hart’s preoccupation with Idolo’s mask, and I hope it’s not just a side bit or a distraction. I hope they have a plan and that Idolo’s mask will Chekhov’s-gun its way into whatever long-term story they’re telling.
This match felt serious; it hit hard, and both men put in a fantastic effort. I enjoyed the way Andrade sprinkled his wife’s signature moves throughout this bout, and spotting them felt like what you feel when you find an Easter egg on a DVD. (Remember those? Remember when DVDs were used for something other than coasters?)
Anyway, there was one thing about the match that I didn’t like…
•KING vs. ANDRADE (THE ENDING) — MINOR MISS
Just as Andrade was about to apply a Figure-Eight leglock, Buddy Matthews ran in and caused this prestige-TV-quality match to end in an over-the-air-quality DQ. I didn’t mind the run-in itself, but I wish it had happened after the match ended and not before. Both King and Andrade put a great amount of effort into this match, and it felt like the last page of their story got ripped out right at the end.
•CHRISTIAN CAGE’S PROMO — MAJOR HIT
I cannot emphasize enough how much I am enjoying Christian Cage right now. I could watch a whole movie about his character foraging through all the towns he hates in a desperate search for the perfect turtleneck to kick orphans in.
While Christian’s promo was a little too personalized to Toronto specifically, his jabs landed, and his TNT Championship reign is off to a great start, which I’m sure his friend Luchasaurus is thrilled about.
•HYPE VIDEO FOR THE OWEN HART TOURNAMENT — HIT
This video made the tournament feel very special, and I honestly wouldn’t mind the finals being held at a major event like All In or All Out (or Shake It All About.)
Side Note: I wish they’d saved the first women’s match in this tournament for either Dynamite or Collision. Having it on Rampage felt diminishing.
•WILLOW NIGHTINGALE vs. NYLA ROSE (w/Marina Shafir) — HIT
My boyfriend thinks Willow Nightingale is the best thing since sliced bread, which is such a random thing to compare stuff to. Sliced bread was invented in 1928. We have literally invented a machine that keeps the entirety of all human knowledge in your pocket, but we’re still comparing things to bread.
These two worked well together, and Nyla Rose is the queen of great facial expressions. In fact, I hope they will consider using Rose more often. Rose is great on the mic, solid in the ring, and you can tell she’s put in the work to improve herself. I’m not saying Rose has to be the next champion or anything like that, but she brings a lot to the table and should have a consistent seat at the head of it.
•SCORPIO SKY’S PROMO — MAJOR HIT
This had a lot of energy, a lot of passion, and felt miles removed from last week’s vignette of him sipping cocktails and spouting platitudes he found on Quote Garden.
Last week’s vignette was wanting, but this week’s promo left me wanting.
Also, his finger snaps are magic, and that’s cool.
•POWERHOUSE HOBBS vs. JEREMY PROPHET — HIT
Poor Jeremy Prophet. I’m pretty sure we just saw him die multiple times in two minutes. If only he’d prophesied his hospital bill, he might have avoided this.
Hobbs looks so natural in this environment, and I would love to see AEW highlight Hobbs’s brute strength in a similar manner to how WWE highlighted Braun Strowman’s strength early on. (Minus the stupid parts, and there were a lot of them.)
This was also a fantastically economical use of time. In just two minutes, Hobbs looked strong and left an impression. Not to mention, the point of the match was crystal clear, easy to digest, and this was a much better use of Q.T. Marshall, and by use, I mean absence.
•THE GUNN CLUB & JUICE ROBINSON & JAY WHITE vs. FTR & RICKY STARKS & C.M. PUNK — HIT
This match contained no ball-tugging, but it did contain a very handsome Ricky Starks, and that was good enough to make up for not getting what C.M. Punk had so generously promised me during the cold open.
In a way, this bout felt like a redux of last week’s main event, but that’s a good thing because I liked last week’s main event, and from everything I heard (I’m deaf), I wasn’t alone. In both last week’s match and this week’s match, Punk seemed determined to prove that his return is worth watching, and so far, I believe him.
The crowd in Toronto (not York) was into this match. Some booed Punk, some jeered Punk, and Punk seemed unfazed by all of it. During the second commercial break, the crowd broke out into dueling chants of “Switchblade!” and “Punk!”, and later in the match, as Punk continued to trade blows with White, the crowd alternated between chants of “Boo!” and “Yeah!”
There were copious amounts of dives and fast-paced action, and if anyone had lingering doubts about whether or not Punk could still go, they should put those doubts to bed. (Just don’t put them in a bed you plan on sleeping in because if you lie down with doubts, you get up with fleas. Or, at least, I assume that’s the idiom, but like I said, I’m deaf and mishear things.)
Anyway, if you only get the chance to watch one match from this show, watch this one. Everyone delivered. Even The Gunns.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This was a good go-home show, and you can tell the people involved want Collision to matter every bit as much as Dynamite. Whether or not that holds up is anyone’s guess, but I plan to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts.
SHOW GRADE: B+
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, idioms are just one letter removed from idiots, and you should never sculpt a sentence using paper cliché.
David Bryant’s totally normal amount of selfies can be found on his Instagram account @IamDavidBryant, and his many, many Wordle scores (is that still a thing?) can be found on his Twitter account, which is also @IamDavidBryant because David Bryant is not good at naming things.
CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S COLLISION HITS & MISSES: Bryant’s back with his takes on Punk’s return promo, QT & Hobbs, Starks in Owen Tournament, Ross, Wardlow, Luchasaurus, more
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