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AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT
FEBRUARY 7, 2022
TAPED 2/2 IN CHICAGO, ILL.
AIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM
REPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Henry, Paul Wight
Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts
– Hey, welcome back! Thanks for visiting PWTorch.com, and thanks for checking out this report. Today has been a whole thing, so let’s just get straight to it!
-Tonight’s Dark Elevation taping came to us from Wintrust Arena in Chicago, Ill. (Quick anecdote about Chicago: I was surprised to discover the Hilton in Chicago cost more than the Hilton on Broadway in New York. It’s been a few years, and I’m still not over it.)
-Dark Elevation opened with a side angle of the stage as the Elevation logo on the screens gave way to swarths of red and the word “Fish” spelled out in big, bold sans serif font. Bobby Fish made his way out of the heel tunnel, literally twirling his mustache, and yet he’s somehow still a face to me, dammit.
(1) BOBBY FISH vs. ROBERT ANTHONY
Fish stepped through the ropes looking like he just tied a woman to some railroad tracks, and his opponent Robert Anthony awaited their matchup in the ring.
“We’ve seen Robert Anthony before!” Schiavone said as a chyron noted he had a 0-6 record. “He had a great showing!” Schiavone added because our definitions of “great” are not like-minded.
Regardless of Anthony’s past showings, this match should be hella good. Fish is pretty much incapable of having a match that flounders, and Anthony is no fish out of water.
Fish and Anthony started off the match by circling one another, looking serious and contemplative. I thought they were headed for a collar and elbow tie-up, but instead, Anthony lunged toward Fish, and we got a waistlock, followed by a standing switch reversal and a flying snapmare takeover. (This was done in a style I’d consider “chain-grappling.” It looked realistic and fintastic.)
Fish grabbed Anthony in a headlock, and Anthony musseled his way to his feet, forcing Fish to transition into a front facelock. Anthony sent Fish into the ropes, but Fish fought back, gutting him with multiple knee strikes. Fish then hooked Anthony’s head and flipped him onto his back via another snapmare takedown. Fish then jumped onto the apron, grabbed ahold of the top rope, and used it to assist him in a flying senton. However, Anthony spotted Fish and rolled out of the way.
Instead of crashing, Fish landed eel-egantly and got to his feet in a matter of moments. Anthony rolled out of the ring, and Fish went after him but was caught off guard like a fish out of water. Anthony slammed chops and forearms into Fish’s chest, grabbed Fish’s head, and haphazardly threw him into the ring. Fish stumbled toward the opposite rope, but Anthony caught him and beat the carp out of his chest with another set of chops and forearms. Fish regained the upper hand with a short-arm reversal followed immediately by a kick to Anthony’s left thigh. This allowed Fish to trap Anthony in the corner, nailing his jaw with a stiff right hand. Anthony did a good job shelling the move. Fish attempted an Irish whip, but Anthony reversed it and delivered a dropkick, using the ring ropes for added momentum.
Anthony took a beat, and Wight was on top of this misstep with great commentary, stating, “I’d like to see Robert Anthony be a little more aggressive when he gains an upper hand. You don’t want to give a guy like Bobby Fish time to think — to plan — to assess where he strikes next.” (I chose to highlight this bit of commentary because I gilly appreciate it when commentators take a moment to point out strategic oppor-tuna-ties in a match. It adds realism and helps me take wrasse-tling more seriously.)
Anthony trapped Fish in a front facelock and clubbed the back of his neck. He then nailed Fish with yet another forearm and executed a delayed vertical suplex. (It was very, very delayed, and very, very impressive.)
“All that blood runs to your head, and it gets hard to think,” Henry said.
That outstanding delayed vertical suplex was only good for a one-count as Fish quickly kicked out. Despite kicking out, Fish sole-ed the move like it had taken him out of the match. He sat up, shook his head, and didn’t even get to his feet until Anthony kicked Fish in the spine, trash-talking him in the process. Fish fought his way upright, and Anthony wasted yet more time trash-talking Fish as he recovered. Fin-ally, having been granted enough of a reprieve to regain his wits, Fish pummeled Anthony’s chest, probably taking issue with the things he’d been saying. Anthony came back with a forearm of his own, and Fish countered with two strikes and a kick. Anthony got in another forearm, then a punch, and then attempted a kick, but Fish caught his leg. Holding Anthony in place, Fish landed multiple blows to Anthony’s inner thigh and then leg-whipped him into the turnbuckles. Fish grabbed hold of Anthony’s leg again and kicked him once more in his inner-thigh. (Despite my admittedly un-punny jokes, I am enjoying this hard-hitting action.)
“That’s gonna leave a mark,” Henry said.
Fish pulled Anthony up by his dang ears! (Oh my Cod!) He then threw him to the mat with this match’s third snapmare takeover. Fish then went for a sliding lariat and covered Anthony to get a two-count.
“Let’s give Anthony some credit. He’s 0-6 in AEW, and he’s putting up a really good fight against a premier athlete,” Henry said. (Don’t worry, Henry, Schiavone assured me 0-6 was a great showing.)
Fish went for a very high roundhouse kick, but Anthony ducked, and the kick cleared him. Undeterred, Fish delivered a mule kick to Anthony’s stomach. Both Fish and Anthony began trading forearms back and forth until Fish caught his nemo-sis with multiple kicks to his inner thigh. With Anthony completely devastated, Fish caught him around the waist and delivered a backdrop suplex, covering Anthony for yet another two-count.
Fish plaiced Anthony in a sleeper hold, but Anthony refused to cut bait and salmoned up enough strength to get back to his feet. Anthony fully overpowered Fish and plunged him back-first into the turnbuckles. Then, sea-ing an opening, Anthony swung a fishicious looking clothesline, only for Fish to duck his offense, net him in a waistlock, and execute a backdrop driver into the ropes. (That looked painful.) Anthony sat back up, and Fish immediately conched him with a stiff roundhouse kick to his head. (I hope he’s hoki! His neck literally careened. Anthony’s gonna have one hell of a haddock tomorrow.) Fish went for the cover with Anthony trout cold, and the offishial dropped to the can-bass to count to three.
WINNER: Fish (f)in 6:00
(David’s Analysis: Sorry about the stupid fish puns. I’m a very silly person, and they were kraken me up. That said, the match itself went swimmingly. It could’ve been a little longer, but I love how easily Fish convinces me to suspend disbelief. His matter-of-fact, take-no-prisoners approach gets me every time — hook, line, and sinker.)
– An advert for AEW Dynamite aired for all the people watching Dark Elevation who don’t watch Dynamite.
(2) DIAMANTE & THE BUNNY & EMI SAKURA vs. SKYE BLUE & HEATHER RECKLESS & QUEEN AMINATA
Skye Blue, who spells her name wrong (source: Eddie Kingston), came out first to her music. She was accompanied on stage by Heather Reckless and Queen Aminata. (Another Queen gimmick? Emi Sakura will not be happy.) As the trio made their way to the ring, Justin Roberts informed us that Chicago is Blue’s hometown. Roberts’ revelation got a great crowd response. Next up, Emi Sakura, The Bunny, and Diamante made their way to the ring. Sakura wore her regal crown, her flowing cloak, and her stupendous™ (Trademark WWE) facial expressions. When passing the camera on her way to the ring, Sakura winked at the viewers. (She is so good at this, and she should be given a shot at the top of the card. Maybe she’ll get over — maybe she won’t — but it wouldn’t hurt to try.)
“Have you ever tried some of that spicy Tennessee chicken?” Henry asked Wight.
“No, I haven’t.”
“You have got to try it,” Henry said. “I will buy you some!”
“You have got to stop buying me food,” Wight said. “I’m gonna end up 500 pounds again!”
Diamante and Blue started things off. At first, it looked like they might go for a collar and elbow tie-up, but nope, Diamante deviously slapped Blue across the face. Blue was NOT having it and blasted her with offense, tripped her leg, and began pounding the snot out of her like she were in a life-or-death barfight. At some point, Diamante managed to turn things around and began pummeling Blue. (Blue’s nice. Stop that.) Blue escaped Diamante’s clutches, and both women jumped to their feet. Diamante ran at Blue, and Blue superkicked her in the face. (OMG!)
“My lord, she just got kicked so hard her mama felt it,” Henry said. (Once again, OMG!)
Blue tagged in Queen Aminata, and Queen Aminata drove a leg lariat into Diamante’s chest. Diamante grabbed Queen Aminata, spun her around into the corner, and missed a chop to her chest. From the apron, Blue kicked Diamante with another leg lariat and sent her flying. Queen Aminata tagged Blue back into the mat, and Blue grabbed Diamante’s neck, taking her to the ground with a snapmare takedown. Diamante sat up, and Blue nailed her with a superkick to the side of her head. Blue covered Diamante and got a one-count. Blue then tagged in Reckless.
Reckless picked up Diamante, and Diamante planted her with a back elbow like she was trying to exorcise a demon from her soul. Reckless tumbled backward toward the mat because ouch. However, Diamante caught Reckless’s falling body and sent her flying with a belly-to-belly suplex that happened so fast I almost missed it. With Reckless reeling, Diamante tagged in Sakura. Sakura grabbed Reckless’s temples, and Biel threw her to the other side of the ring. Sakura then walked to the corner where Reckless lay bewildered and in shock. Sakura picked Reckless back up, and Biel threw her a second time — even further!
“Emi Sakura’s like, ‘No, no, no. I’m not done throwing you around; come back over here,’” Wight said.
Ever the show-woman, Sakura riled up the crowd with her stomp-stomp-clap routine and then used the crowd’s enthusiasm to hone her cadence as she delivered a series of “We Will Rock You” chops. With Reckless almost as beaten and battered as Serpentico on a typical Tuesday, Sakura backed up all the way to the other side of the ring and ran toward Reckless, executing a running crossbody block. Sakura then snapped Reckless up and delivered a swinging backbreaker for a two-count. She MIGHT have gotten a three-count, but Blue interfered and broke things up. Sakura looked at Blue, wide-eyed and open-mouthed like she’d swiped the last pineapple White Claw, and Blue used her appalled surprise to pull her off Reckless and start pounding away at Sakura with her forearm. (Is this legal? The referee seems to think this is legal.)
While I was distracted trying to figure out why the referee gives less $h!#s than a honey badger on YouTube, Sakura somehow gained the advantage, swung both Blue and Reckless toward one another, and their collision opened a portal into the twilight zone where the impact of said collision was enough to cause one to sunset-flip the other for no reason.
Sakura then grabbed both women and did her double back-stretch thingy that Wight called, “Tying them up together.” Then, for reasons known only to God, Diamante and Queen Aminata jumped the ropes, but not to break anything up or nothing. Instead, they just ran straight at one another and started fighting. (Once again, the referee does nothing about this.) Diamante then put Queen Aminata in a camel clutch (Ref?). At the same time, The Bunny jumped through the ropes to execute a devestating skipping-in-circles-for-no-reason around Diamante and Queen Aminata, who, may I remind you, are not the legal women. (That creepy doll from Squid Games refereed better than this.)
The Bunny’s ruthless skipping must have impressed Sakura because she tagged in The Bunny and then executed a Queen’s Gambit on Reckless. Instead of attacking Reckless, who was the legal woman, The Bunny ran straight toward the face team’s corner and began assaulting the non-legal women. (Ref, please do rules. It’s literally your job to do rules.) Finally, The Bunny ran toward Blue and clocked her with a sliding lariat. The Bunny then looked into the camera and stuck out her tongue. (That looked devious. At least we’re getting good facial expressions tonight.)
The Bunny pulled Reckless back to her feet, hit her with a knee lift, ran into the ropes, and hit her with a running knee lift. The Bunny pulled Reckless up by her hair and attempted to set up a Down The Rabbit Hole, but both Blue and Queen Aminata ran in to attack The Bunny because rules are for fools. However, this was quickly countered, and the non-legal members of the face team were neutralized by the non-legal members of the heel team. Finally, The Bunny got to execute her Down The Rabbit Hole finisher on Reckless. The Bunny covered Reckless to pick up the pin.
WINNER: Diamante & The Bunny in 4:00
(David’s Analysis: Speaking of great facial expressions, I recently saw Sakura faced one of my other faves, Angelica Risk, at the most recent Dark taping. I cannot wait to see that match. It should be an absolute caravan of emoting, and I am always here for that. However, this match was pure chaos. Emi Sakura is a much, much better wrestler than this match portended, but it’s hard to show that in this kind of matchup. I hope they move her up the card. Baker vs. Sakura one-on-one for the title would be spectacular, IMHO.)
– After the match, The Bunny mugged for the camera, once again, giving us some great facial expressions. (She’s on it with the facial expressions tonight.)
– An advert for AEW Rampage aired for all the people watching Dark Elevation who don’t watch Rampage.
(3) SCORPIO SKY (w/ Dan Lambert) vs. STEPHEN WOLF
Scorpio Sky came out first, followed by God’s afterthought, Dan Lambert. Sky’s pyro went off, and it was beautiful. (It’s also really pretty in person.)
“Have I ever told you how much I hate pyro?” Henry said.
Stephen Wolf was already waiting in the ring and was making his AEW debut. (That’s foreboding.) Wolf had a great look, by the way. Wolf raised his hands for the crowd and acknowledged his fans. Ethan Page joined the commentary team, and I’m sure someone somewhere thought that was a good idea.
Sky and Wolf lurched into a collar and elbow tie-up. Sky got the best of the exchange and slapped a waistlock on Wolf. Wolf executed a standing switch, followed by Sky executing a standing switch and capturing Wolf’s arm to put him in a wristlock. Sky turned the wristlock into a side headlock, and Wolf whipped Sky into the ropes. This did not go well for Wolf, who was met with a rebound shoulder tackle. With Wolf splayed on the ground, Sky posed and made his pecs do tricks.
Wolf jumped back up, and Sky ran the ropes. Wolf dodged him by dropping down to the canvas, and then Sky dodged Wolf’s incoming offense by grabbing hold of the top rope to stop his never-ending inertia. Sky ran at Wolf, and Wolf executed a leg sweep to take Sky down. Wolf covered Sky, but Sky kicked out at one. Sky then executed a leg sweep followed by a double stomp to Wolf’s face.
The camera cut to Page applauding and saying, “That’s beautiful.” (Color me surprised. I thought the only thing Page found beautiful was himself.)
“You don’t have to get your eyebrows plucked,” Wight said. “Just wrestle Scorpio Sky.” (Fun tip: Latisse works on eyebrows as well as eyelashes. If you happen to have a prescription for Latisse, try a drop on each of your eyebrows, and watch them grow darker and fuller, just like your lashes! Wait. No. Sorry. Wrong report. Wrong website. Wrong everything.)
“You guys are always so well-groomed,” Wight said.
“That’s because we groom each other!” (Stop while you’re ahead, Page.)
Sky nailed Wolf with an uppercut and choked him in the corner with his boot. Sky then climbed to the second rope and posed for the crowd a second time, but at least his chest was done turning tricks. Sky jumped off the ropes, picked up a nearly incapacitated Wolf, held him in the air, and executed a delayed backbreaker that got an “Oooo” from the announce team. Sky then transitioned his backbreaker into a backbreaker stretch. Sky then tossed Wolf to the ground with nothing short of disgust.
“Explain to me — you guys are so athletic and so talented,” Schiavone said. “What’s the deal with Dan Lambert?”
“What do you mean, ‘What’s the deal?’” Page exclaimed. “We weren’t getting what we deserved in the company!” (Kinda true.) “Then Dan showed up and started speaking on our behalf, getting us title matches and — ”
The director cut to Dan Lambert at ringside looking like someone who thinks Facebook is still a thing. Back in the ring, Sky had Wolf in a rear chin-lock, bending his neck like his head was a zit. When Wolf finally fought his way back to his feet, Sky sent him tumbling back down with a snapmare takeover. Sky then reapplied the rear chin-lock, this time with a tighter grip. Wolf fought his way upright a second time, turned around in Sky’s arms, and began punching Sky’s torso. Sky finally relented, and Wolf escaped. Sky went for a clothesline, but Wolf ducked it, grabbed Sky’s arm, jumped to the top rope, and executed a Lucha arm drag.
“What’s with the Dan Lambert slander?” Page asked.
“Come on, he looks like someone’s Dad who got lost on his way to buy milk,” Wight said, putting it kindly.
(My cat just ran out of the room. I can’t say for a fact that she was running from Lambert’s face, but I also can’t prove she wasn’t.)
Sky popped back to his feet, but Wolf knocked him straight back down with a standing dropkick. While Sky teetered on his knees, Wolf popped back up and celebrated. (That’s gonna cost you.) Lambert leaned into Sky’s ear so as to show him the visual smelling salt that is his face. Seeing Lambert’s face so close to his own, Sky popped back to his feet. (I’m assuming this is what happened. It makes more sense than whispered strategy.) Wolf ran at Sky with a clothesline, but Sky ducked Wolf and plowed into him with a big boot. Sky brushed off both of his shoulders, picked Wolf up, and executed a TKO for the win.
WINNER: Sky in 4:00
(David’s Analysis: The match was fine, but the commentary was perfect. If you get a chance, listen to the commentary. However, do try to avoid seeing Prune-Juice-Mascot Dan Lambert’s face because the memory of his smug mug will build a nest in your closet and watch you while you sleep.)
– After the match, the director cut to Lambert fist-bumping Sky and thus ruining fist-bumps forever.
– An advert for AEW Revolution aired, and my main takeaway was that Hook looks even better in slow motion.
(4) JULIA HART vs. ARIE ALEXANDER
The Varsity Blondes’ music hit, and pep-rally-pirate Julia Hart made her way to the ring. Already waiting in the ring was her opponent, Arie Alexander, who is making her AEW debut.
The two competitors started with a quick collar and elbow tie up before Alexander caught Hart in a waistlock. Hart pulled at Alexander’s hands and executed a standing switch. Alexander countered this instantaneously by elbowing Hart in her pirate-patched eye. Alexander kicked Hart’s stomach, grabbed her head, rolled her over with a snapmare takedown, and shin-kicked her in the face.
Alexander flipped her hair as she oozed confidence, sizing up Hart. Hart got back to her feet, and Alexander swiftly kicked her in the stomach. She then caught Hart as she doubled over from the kick and mercilessly slammed her head into the top turnbuckle. Hart hung in the scarecrow position as Alexander ran at her with a clothesline, but Hart ducked, spun Alexander around, and nailed Alexander repeatedly with forearm after forearm until she collapsed in the corner. Hart then began clubbing the top of Alexander’s head as if she were crazed. (The announcers are remarking on how intense Hart has become since getting turned into a pirate by Malakai Black.)
Hart grabbed the top rope and began mud-stomping Alexander’s chest with a vigor that would make “Stone Cold” Steve Austin proud. The referee asked Hart to back off, and she did, but her intensity remained. (I hope they’re just emphasizing her motivation and not turning her heel. I don’t want to boo Hart. She exudes likability.) After giving Alexander a short respite, Hart returned to the corner, grabbed the top rope once again, and continued to mud-stomp her opponent like she’d just taken the last pineapple White Claw. (I’m sorry to bring that up again, but if you had been there, you would understand…)
Hart grabbed Alexander’s head and snapmared her to the mat. When Alexander sat up, Hart hit her with a stiff kick to the back. Alexander (making great facial expressions here) huffed and puffed, trying to catch her breath while clutching at her spine. Hart pulled Alexander back to her feet, and Alexander tried to fend her off with a forearm. Hart staggered for a second and then executed a scorpion kick. Hart baseball slid under Alexander’s feet to trip her, and once she was down, Hart executed a standing moonsault. Hart then stared menacingly at the camera, blowing a strand of blond hair out of her face.
Hart yanked Alexander back to her feet and whipped into the corner. Hart then executed a handspring forearm. (nice) An all but incapacitated Alexander hung in the scarecrow position as Hart ran across the ring, hit the ropes on the opposite side, and crashed back-first into Alexander. Hart then grabbed Alexander’s neck and executed her signature Splitting Bulldog.
“That’s a move Mark and I would only do once,” Wight deadpanned.
With Alexander down and defenseless, Hart trapped her head between her legs, applied a figure-four headlock, and Alexander tapped out.
WINNER: Hart in 2:00
(David’s Analysis: This match was notably short, but it did a good job telling the story of Hart’s transition from fun-loving cheerleader to bloodthirsty pirate. I just hope she’s not also turning heel.)
– After the match, Hart waved to the crowd, and the fury she’d held onto moments before had entirely evaporated.
(5) DANTE MARTIN vs. AARON SOLOW (w/Nick Comoroto)
Aaron Solow came out first, accompanied by Nick Comoroto, but not accompanied by Q.T. Marshall. (You know, Q.T. Marshall’s name kinda makes sense when you think about it. If you mated a Q-tip with a marshmallow, what would you get?) Comoroto grabbed a sign from a fan at ringside and tore it to shreds. (I hope that poor fan didn’t spend a ton of time on that!)
Aaron Solow’s entrance was followed by Dante Martin, my third favorite Robin after Dick Grayson and Tim Drake. The crowd went up for Martin. Fans at ringside did the “praise you” hand gesture, and everyone was applauding wildly. This reaction is well deserved, in my opinion. He has clearly worked hard at becoming superhuman. I can only imagine what it was like to train him.
Ken Anderson: Which high-flying tricks would you like to learn today?
Dante Martin: Yes.
The bell rang, and the crowd shouted for Martin loud enough that both wrestlers paused to look at them. A loud “Let’s go Dante” chant broke out, and Martin pointed to the crowd.
Martin and Solow circled one another before entangling themselves in a collar and elbow tie-up. Solow kicked Martin in the stomach. Martin doubled over, and Solow snatched him in a side headlock. Martin fought his way out of Solow’s arms and put Solow in a side headlock of his own. Solow backed Martin into the ropes, but Martin used the momentum of his rebound to ground Solow with a side headlock takedown. Solow rolled Martin onto his back for a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it one-count before Martin kicked out and reapplied his side headlock.
Solow forced his way back to his feet and whipped Martin across the ring. Martin ran at him with a shoulder tackle; Solow dropped to the canvas to dodge Martin; Martin ran at him a second time, and Solow attempted to catch him with a hip toss. However, Martin quickly reversed Solow’s offense and executed a hip toss of his own. Solow popped back to his feet, ran at Martin, and Martin leapfrogged him because he’s definitely half grasshopper or something.
Martin quickly executed another side headlock takedown, and Solow once again countered by turning Martin over onto his back for another lightning-fast one-count. Solow fought his way back up, threw Martin toward the turnbuckles, ran at Martin, and missed when Martin jumped over Solow. Martin backed off and let Solow gather himself. (You’re being a little too nice there, young grasshopper.) Once Solow was ready, they re-entered a collar and elbow tie-up, quickly transitioned, and then Martin pushed Solow toward the ropes. Solow grabbed the top rope to stop his momentum as Martin darted toward him. Solow pulled down the rope Bad-Bunny-Style, and Martin flew over it and onto the apron outside. Martin slammed a forearm into Solow and attempted a springboard, something or other, but we won’t know what that something or other was because Comoroto caught Martin by his ankle. Martin got in Comoroto’s face with way more fire than I was expecting, and this distracted Martin, allowing Solow to execute a baseball slide to Martin’s face.
Solow picked Martin up off the floor, grabbed him around the waist, and slammed him into the edge of the apron. Satisfied with the damage he’d done, Solow rolled an agonizing Martin back into the ring. Solow raced back into the ring himself and nailed Martin with three consecutive elbow drops before he could even get up off the canvas. Solow posed for the crowd, and the crowd was terribly upset with him.
Martin tried to climb back to his feet, but Solow kicked him in the face. Martin tried a second time, and Solow clotheslined him to the mat, hooked his leg, and got a two-count. Solow cornered Martin by the turnbuckles, punching and kicking him repeatedly. (Martin appears to be working on his facial expressions. They’re better tonight.) Solow once again gloated for the audience, even going so far as to blow them kisses. This gave Martin time to recover, and he came out of the corner swinging. Solow shoved him back toward the corner and ran at him, but Martin caught Solow with his shoulder and tossed him over the top rope to the floor.
Martin waited for Solow to crawl back into the ring, and when he did, he slammed into him with a forearm takedown. Solow tottered back to his feet, and Martin took him down again with a second forearm. Martin ducked a clothesline from Solow, grabbed him around the waist, and executed a reverse suplex. Solow quickly rolled outside to regroup. The crowd roared as Martin geared up for a Topa suicida, but Comoroto hopped onto the apron to block Martin from jumping over the top rope. This got him some great heat! Comoroto then taunted Martin while Solow recovered.
Once Solow had fully recovered, sneaked back into the ring, and come up behind Martin, Comoroto hopped off the apron, and Solow nailed Martin with a windmill kick. Solow covered Martin and got a near fall. Solow picked Martin back up, but Martin shoved Solow into the ropes. Solow bounced off the ropes and attempted a clothesline, but Martin ducked it, ran past Solow, and executed a Topa suicida onto Comoroto at ringside. Martin jumped back onto the apron, blocked a strike from Solow, hit Solow with an apron kick, and executed his high-flying Nose Dive finisher that still looks impossible no matter how many times I see it. Martin covered Solow, hooked his leg, and got a three-count to pick up the win.
WINNER: Martin in 5:00
(David’s Analysis: I would gladly buy a Dante Martin comic book.)
(6) THE ACCLAIMED & THE GUNN CLUB (w/Billy Gunn) vs. MATT SYDAL & LEE MORIARTY & LEE JOHNSON & BROCK ANDERSON
Up next, we have an 8-man chaos party.
First out was the team of Matt Sydal & Lee Moriarty & Lee Johnson & Brock Anderson. (That’s a lot.) After that, The Gunn Club made their entrance accompanied by ageless stallion Billy Gunn. The Gunn Club made it halfway down the ramp before The Acclaimed’s music hit. (Joy.)
Human crapcicle, Max Caster implored us all to “listen” because he has noise to make. For my readers who prefer watching Sleazy McDickButter on mute, I’ll transcribe his rap, but as I did last time, I will leave out the offensive parts. This is what Caster thinks music is:
If you think you can beat The Acclaimed, you better wait/You must be ****** than the ******* ****** ****/Yo, I’ll hit you with the right hook/Have your ******** ******* *** like **** *********/Yo, look who’s in the ring/If I gave them the mic, they wouldn’t say a thing/Maybe take a speech class boys/You’re getting ******* ** *** ********* ** *** *** ***
That homophobic bit at the end must’ve been awkward for Crust Von Crustwad’s tag partner, but I’ll move on. After all, we’ve got finger scissoring to get to. Bowens grabbed the mic and told us, “The Acclaimed have arrived,” while giving voice to what an aneurysm would sound like if it could talk. Following that public disturbance, The Acclaimed began their aforementioned scissoring, and The Ass Boys joined in to make it a proper four-way. (None of those words are in the Bible.)
“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little,” Mark Henry said.
A bug for Rampage popped up at the bottom of the screen, and it featured Hook — only Hook. (The women come to see him, and the men want to be him. Wait. No. That’s someone else.)
Bowens and Sydal started things off by getting in each other’s faces. Bowens kicked Sydal in the stomach in what looked like a cheap shot, but it was hard to tell because everything he does looks cheap. Bowens whipped Sydal into the ropes, but Sydal caught him with a tilt-a-whirl roll-up. (I didn’t know that was a thing, but now I’m kind of glad I do.) However, the roll-up was only good for a one-count, and both men quickly got back to their feet. Sydal ran toward Bowens with the wrath of a hundred duck-sized horses, but Bowens caught him with an arm drag takedown. Bowens went for a bodyslam, but Sydal struggled out, executed an arm drag takedown of his own, and immediately followed that up with a spinning heel kick out of nowhere. (These guys are so talented. Even burb-basket Anthony Bowens is talented. Although, to be honest, I think he should consider dropping the nickname I gave him. Burb-basket very unflattering.) Sydal slapped a wristlock on Bowens, dragged the little burb-basket over to the face’s corner, and tagged in Moriarty. (This should be fun!)
Moriarty hopped onto the top turnbuckle and executed a flying double stomp to Bowens’ locked wrist. (Bowens sold this very well. I am thoroughly entertained.) Moriarty commandeered Sydal’s wristlock on Bowens and tried to turn it into a hammerlock, but Bowens nailed him with a forearm to escape. Upon evading Moriarty’s offense, Bowens tagged in absolutely no one’s favorite rapper.
Caster whipped Moriarty into the ropes; Moriarty came flying back at him; Caster ducked him, and Moriarty rolled across Caster’s back. Moriarty spun around, dropped down, and took Caster to the ground with a leg sweep. With Caster on all fours, Moriarty kicked his taped-up arm. Sydal jumped into the ring unprovoked and helped Moriarty beat the crap out of Caster (which is an extraordinary amount of crap), and Caster rolled out of the ring to regroup. All four faces got into the ring as the referee yelled at them to stop acting like heels. The Gunn Club got into the ring to confront the faces but were quickly chased back out of the ring and onto the floor.
By the time some semblance of order had been restored, Anderson and Austin were now the legal men. While Austin readied himself, Caster stepped through the ropes to slap him on the butt. (I had to rewind to make sure I saw that right, and I saw that right.) Austin went for a clothesline, but Anderson ducked and immediately executed a belly-to-back suplex on Austin. With Austin flat on his back, Anderson stomped on his hand multiple times, and the fourth time felt really excessive. He then trapped Austin in a wristlock and tagged in Moriarty. Moriarty took over the wristlock, and Austin stomped on Moriarty’s foot to escape, allowing him to tag in Colten. Colten slugged Moriarty with a right hand, forced him against the ropes, and clubbed him with repeated clotheslines.
The referee tried to enforce a five-count, and Colten responded to that rightful enforcement by yelling at her. Colten continued his assault on Moriarty with another right hand before getting distracted by the crowd chanting something I couldn’t make out. (It probably had to do with ass.)
“They can’t get distracted with these people calling them Ass Boys,” Henry said, letting me know that I was correct in my assumptions.
Colten punched Moriarty once more for good measure before dragging him into the heel’s corner to tag in Caster. Caster kicked Moriarty in the chest while bouncing around the ring like a jackass. He then put Moriarty in a rear chin lock, and Moriarty struggled before finally fighting his way to his feet. Once upright, Caster backed Moriarty deeper into the heel’s corner, and Bowens tagged himself in. Bowens and Caster took turns kicking Moriarty in the corner, and then Bowens hit Moriarty with four right hands and four forearms. (Moriarty is getting slaughtered here!) Bowens shouted something, and then Caster stuck his fingers through the ropes, and Bowens scissored Caster’s hand, which somehow did not count as a tag. Bowens then went back to Moriarty and pinned him for a two-count.
Bowens applied a cobra clutch, and once again, Moriarty fought his way back to his feet. Moriarty punched his way out of Bowens’ grasp and dove toward the face’s corner to make the long-awaited hot tag, but Bowens prevented it by catching Moriarty in mid-air. Bowens then chopped Moriarty, elbowed Moriarty, punched Moriarty, and superkicked Moriarty. Moriarty collapsed. Bowens got a two-count which the director missed by cutting (I assume accidentally) to a random, poorly framed shot of the back of the Gunn Club at ringside.
Bowens pulled Moriarty back up and put him in another wristlock, but this time, Moriarty countered with a short-arm reversal, caught Bowens around the waist, and executed a backdrop suplex. Seeing his bestie in dire straits, Caster jumped through the ropes only to be tossed out of the ring to the floor by Moriarty. (He went ALL the way to the floor, BTW.) Moriarty managed to tag in Johnson, and Bowens tagged in Austin.
Johnson burst out of the corner, nailing Austin with two clotheslines before knocking Caster off the apron with a forearm. Colten ran in to help Austin, but Johnson planted him with a cutter, and the crowd popped for the fast-paced action they were witnessing. Caster ran in a second time and was thrown to the floor a second time. Austin ran toward Johnson, but Johson caught him with a back elbow in the corner and floored him with a second-rope moonsault neckbreaker. Johnson went to the top turnbuckle to execute another move, but Bowens ran in and dropkicked him off the turnbuckles and onto the apron. Sydal hit Bowens with a roundhouse kick from the apron, climbed to the top turnbuckle, and jumped off to land a flying Meteora. Colten ran into the ring (probably figuring it was okay because Sydal was also not the legal man), and Sydal stopped him in his tracks with an attempted roundhouse kick. However, Colten ducked, popped back up, and executed a full nelson slam on Sydal.
Anderson jumped through the ropes (Are we no longer doing tags now?) and ran at Colten. Colten tried to defend himself with a clothesline, but Anderson sveltely ducked beneath it, turned around, grabbed Colten’s head, and executed a DDT. Colten rolled out of the ring, and Caster ran in, superkicking Anderson, who crashed to the ground. Johnson ran at Caster, grabbed him in a waistlock, shoved him into the turnbuckles, and lost his grip when Caster used Johnson’s own momentum to propel him backward. Caster reached between the ring ropes and grabbed the thick metal chain he wore to the ring. He wrapped the chain around his fist, but right before he could smash it into Johnson’s face, Johson nailed him with a superkick.
Austin jumped back into the ring, grabbed a distracted Johnson from behind, and rolled him up for two-count. The referee saw the chain and picked it up to toss it out of the ring. In that split second (and it happened very quickly), Colten hit Johnson in the head with Bowen’s boombox. The referee turned back around the moment the damage was done, but it was too late. (This was a great referee distraction. I wish all referee distractions were this well executed.)
With Johnson both discombobulated and debilitated by having a boombox bashed into his head, Austin rolled him up, grabbed his tights, and covered him to score a three-count.
“There was a lot going on in that match,” Schiavone said.
“Yeah, there was a lot there,” Henry agreed.
WINNER: The Acclaimed & The Gunn Club (w/Billy Gunn) in 7:00
(David’s Analysis: As the commentator’s said, there was a lot going on in that match. A lot. It was wild, chaotic, and thoroughly enjoyable. The Acclaimed get under my skin like you wouldn’t believe. I love hating on them. They should be ashamed of themselves… so much skullduggery in one place… and such a waste of good looks. *narrows eyes*)
(7) BEST FRIENDS (w/Kris Statlander) vs. CHAOS PROJECT
Serpentico and his dom came out first. Luther grabbed the poor guy by his mask and dragged him to the ring. (He can walk, you know?) Luther threw Serpentico into the ring as if he were an opponent, and Serpentico had to use the ropes to pull himself upright. Once upright, he threw out his streamers, and I think I speak for everyone named me when I say that Serpentico needs to be protected at all cost. (*glares in Luther’s general direction*)
“Do you know where Luther was?” Wight asked, explaining Luther’s recent absence from T.V. “Luther was in Egypt, and they were exhuming a tomb. They needed to bring in a body expert to identify the mummy. Luther had all of the qualifications to expertly identify this mummy. So, he went over there and took part in the unveiling of the tomb and identification of the mummy — and I’m not lying!” (That is one of the most interesting things I’ve heard all night. I’m still not okay with the way he abuses Serpentico, though.)
“Why would anyone want Luther’s opinion? He’s crazy! Just look at him!” Schiavone said.
“Yeah, well, why would anybody want to fly to Europe to look at a dead body?” Henry scoffed.
“Egypt,” Wight corrected.
“Same thing,” Henry said. (It is definitely not.)
Up next, The Best Friends made their way to the ring, and Kris Statlander booped them both on the nose for good measure. (You know, I have an ex-boyfriend who, for some reason, also did the nose-booping thing, and I did not enjoy it then. I do not enjoy it now. I will not enjoy it ever. Booping is always inappropriate in every situation that does not involve a clown.)
Chuck Taylor and Luther started things off. Taylor decided to forgo a collar and elbow tie-up and immediately trapped Luther in a side headlock. Luther countered by whipping Taylor into the ropes and catching him for a bodyslam. However, Taylor landed on his feet and put Luther in a waistlock. Luther ran toward the ropes, grabbed hold of the top rope, and held onto it while elbowing Taylor in the face. Taylor released his grip and stumbled backward. Luther then ran at Taylor with a spinning heel kick, but Taylor ducked underneath it. Luther nailed Taylor with two forearms, ran into the ropes, bounced backward toward Taylor, and then Taylor caught Luther with a forearm of his own. Luther wobbled on both feet, very much out of it, and Taylor executed a dropkick to take him down. As Luther fell to the canvas, Serpentico tagged his hand as it passed him by.
Serpentico ran toward Taylor, but Taylor seized him by the waist and executed a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Serpentico writhed as Taylor tagged in Trent Beretta. Bretta and Taylor began double-teaming Serpentico (that seems excessive) and hit him with double back elbows followed by double elbow drops. Right before the double elbow drops, Serpentico begged for mercy, and these two jerks hurt him anyway. Beretta went for a cover and got a one-count. Serpentico hit Beretta with a forearm and turned around to adorably cheer and celebrate for the ungrateful crowd. However, when Serpentico turned back around, he was met with Beretta’s fist.
“Poor Serpentico,” Wight said wisely. “In a draw full of knives, he’s a spoon.”
“Luther is saying things, and I don’t think it’s English,” Henry said.
“It may not be,” Wight said. “He does speak four languages.” (I have so many questions about Luther that this match cannot answer.)
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Beretta performed a release Northern Lights Suplex on Serpentico, and he bounced. Literally. He literally bounced like a ball made out of humanity, of which Berreta has none. Serpentico managed just enough strength to prop himself up in the corner, assuming the scarecrow position. Beretta could have chosen not to continue beating up this already victimized individual. He could have chosen compassion, but he’s evil and ran at Serpentico, smashing into with a back elbow and following that up with a rope-assisted DDT. That DDT was so powerful, it somehow made Serpentico bump not once but twice. Beretta crouched in the corner, beseeching Serpentico to get back to his feet.
“Serpentico can barely get to his feet,” Schiavone said. “He’s just floundering around.”
Beretta ran at Serpentico, assuming he’d be an easy target, but Serpentico executed a hail-Mary superkick, and Beretta rolled out of the ring. The moment Beretta looked up, Luther came barreling around the corner of the ring with a pump kick to send Beretta crashing to the floor. Serpentico tagged in Luther, and Luther continued his assault on Beretta outside the ring. He picked Beretta up and dropped him chest first onto the barricade before finally deciding to roll him back into the ring.
Once in the ring, Luther took hold of Beretta’s person and executed a sidewalk slam, sending him crashing down. Luther pulled Beretta to his team’s corner, tagged in Serpentico, and encouraged Serpentico to go up to the top turnbuckle. (Don’t do it.) Serpentico looked at the turnbuckle, considering doing it. (Do not.) Serpentico went up to the top turnbuckle because he has Stockholm Syndrome, and Luther flung him down onto Beretta with no cares given about the damage that was caused to Serpentico’s fragile body. Serpentico collapsed from the pain and happened to land on top of Beretta in the process. The referee began to count, but because Serpentico was not present for any of this, so Beretta was able to easily kick out.
Serpentico tagged in Luther, and the two of them did their own version of The Best Friends’ hug.
“You’ve got to give the… um… bizarre people what they want?” Schiavone said.
Meanwhile, back in the ring, Beretta nailed Luther with a knife-edge chop, but Luther whipped him toward the opposite corner. However, Luther countered that whip with a short-arm reversal at the last second. Luther then executed a step-up enzuigiri. (That is not a typo.) Luther tagged Serpentico back into the match before scooping up Beretta and bodyslamming him to the mat. Luther then scooped up Serpentico (no) and bodyslammed him (why) onto Beretta. (This is giving me a haddock.)
“Serpentico was telling him no!” Henry said. (Yeah, exactly. No means no, Luther!)
Having had enough of Luther’s abuse (Does he even have a safeword?), Serpentico decided to give Luther a taste of his own medicine and bodyslam him onto Beretta, too. Serpentico scooped up Luther, and Luther crushed him. As in, the weight of Luther’s body was so astronomical, Serpentico collapsed, and Luther fell on top of him in the form of a crossbody block. Beretta then bodyslammed Luther onto Serpentico, and this is starting to feel like a conspiracy to murder this poor, sweet, minuscule man.
Beretta executed a Backdrop Driver on Serpentico, planting him on the back of his head, and then tagged in Taylor, who I’m hoping will stop his tag team partner from continuing to beat up on poor Serpentico. Taylor flitted into the ring, clotheslined Serpentico, clotheslined Luther, superkicked Serpentico, and superkicked Luther. Taylor then snatched up Serpentico and executed a spinning sitout powerbomb. He covered poor Serpentico, but Luther broke up the count with a running dropkick because he hates Serpentico and wants to see him suffer more.
Taylor grabbed Luther by the neck and threw him through the ring ropes and to the floor. Taylor put Serpentico in a fireman’s carry position, but the little guy fought his way out. (Such heart.) Luther then grabbed Taylor’s ankle and dragged him outside the ring. He clubbed Taylor across the back and attempted to bodyslam him, but Taylor landed on his feet. Taylor grabbed Luther by his neck and threw him into the ring steps. Luther’s distraction on the outside had given brave Serpentico time to recover, and he nailed Taylor with a jawbreaker as soon as he entered the ring. However, even with some recovery time, poor Serpentico was too weak to stop Taylor from tagging in Beretta.
Taylor clobbered Serpentico with a rising knee strike, and then both Taylor and Bretta executed a sole food and a suplex on Serpentico at the exact same time. (Does he have insurance? I hope he has insurance.) Serpentico twitched and writhed in the ring, reaching for the bottom rope to pull himself up, but his arms were too pulverized to make up the distance. To celebrate their horrible transgressions, The Best Friends hugged one another mid-ring.
“You’ve got to give the people what they want!” Schiavone exclaimed. (The people want Serpentico! I polled everyone in my living room right now, and Serpentico won by one vote.)
Beretta picked up Serpentico (who is like half his size) and held him upside down while Taylor climbed to the top turnbuckle. Taylor sadistically jumped off the top turnbuckle and onto Serpentico, executing a Strong Zero. Beretta then covered Serpentico, hooking both of his legs and scoring a merciful three-count.
WINNER: Best Friends in 7:00
– After the match, The Best Friends hugged Kris Statlander to close the show and send the fans home happy!
(David’s Analysis: The good news is Serpentico and Luther are back together! The bad news is Serpentico and Luther are back together. As for the match, I enjoyed it. I enjoy Chaos Project. They’ll never be a main event act, but they are high-quality mid-card material. They play up the humor at all the right moments, and despite their outward appearance, both men can genuinely wrestle. The Best Friends are very talented as well, and together, these two teams pulled off a great match)
FINAL THOUGHTS: If you only have time to catch one match on this week’s Dark Elevation, I recommend watching The Acclaimed & The Gunn Club vs. Sydal & Moriarty & Johnson & Anderson. If you have time to watch a second match, I recommend watching Chaos Project vs. The Best Friends. In fact, I feel these two matches were pretty much equally enjoyable. If you have enough time to catch a third match, I’d recommend adding Bobby Fish vs. Robert Anthony to your watchlist.
Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I’m still working on my sign-off, but until next week: remember, if something smells fishy, drop a line.
Puh, love the fun style of writing but reading takes me longer than watching the whole show. 😀