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AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT
DECEMBER 13, 2021 (Recorded 12/8)
ELMONT, N.Y.
AIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM
REPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Henry, and Eddie Kingston
Ring Announcer: Dasha Gonzalez
– Dark Elevation opened with cycloramic shots of Belmont Park’s jam-packed UBS Arena. Enthusiastic fans applauded, and one overjoyed woman (who had accidentally worn flannel outside of her house) sported an expression of such pure excitement I can only imagine it was because Kingston is back on commentary. Tony Schiavone welcomed us, and the director quickly cut to Thunder Rosa’s entrance.
(1) THUNDER ROSA vs. GABBY ORTIZ
Thunder Rosa jumped onto the turnbuckles and waved at her fans while looking absolutely gorgeous in her Goldust-cosplay singlet. Gabby Ortiz already stood in the ring, and Tony Schiavone informed us this was Ortiz’s AEW debut. Although the commentators didn’t mention this, I think it’s worth noting Ortiz is a former MFPW Girl’s Champion — a title once held by current AEW Women’s Champion Britt Baker.
Both competitors lunged forward, locking arms in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Rosa threw Ortiz to the mat with a side headlock takedown, but Ortiz instantly countered with head scissors. Rosa shoved her way out, and both women jumped to their feet, trading hammerlocks before Rosa dropped Ortiz face-first onto the mat with another brutal takedown. Ortiz scrambled to capture Rosa in a headlock. However, Rosa rolled out and clamped on yet another hammerlock, pulling Ortiz to her feet and transitioning that second hammerlock into a second side headlock.
Without missing a beat, Ortiz propelled Rosa into the ring ropes, but Rosa used them as leverage to pop forward and deliver a shoulder tackle, bringing Ortiz off her feet. Rosa ran the ropes twice, but Ortiz dodged her both times. Ortiz jumped to her feet, and Rosa attempted a reverse rolling cradle only for Ortiz to counter by grabbing the ropes. The force of Ortiz’s sudden stop knocked Rosa backward, and for a split second, Ortiz seemed to think she was out of the woods; however, Rosa snapped on an arm-drag and flung her to the mat. Rosa then applied an armbar. (All of this is happening very, very quickly!)
Ortiz fought to her feet and countered the armbar by slugging Rosa with a series of impactful forearms. Ortiz kicked Rosa; Rosa shoved Ortiz into the ring ropes; Ortiz bounced back off the ropes, and Rosa nailed her with a dropkick.
Rosa wrapped a stunned Ortiz into a Fire Thunder Driver. She hooked Ortiz’s leg and pinned her for a three-count.
WINNER: Thunder Rosa in 2:00
(David’s Analysis: This was short but action-packed. I’d love to have seen Ortiz and Rosa have a longer match, especially because I’m curious about Ortiz. But this match was meant to cement Rosa’s credibility heading into the TBS Title Tournament as well as set up her imminent promo with Jade Cargill. It did just that — great job by both athletes.)
– The director showed a replay of the dropkick and Fire Thunder Driver while Schiavone teleported to the ring for an immediate interview with Rosa.
Schiavone said, “Thunder Rosa and Jade Cargill are in one of the semifinals for the TBS Championship; Nyla Rose and Ruby Soho are in the other. I know you, Thunder Rosa, are ready to become the first-ever TBS Champ!”
“Yeah, I mentioned that to you last time I was on dark,” Thunder Rosa side-eyed Tony, still catching her breath. “You know, it’s so funny, Tony. I’m thinking to myself, are you asking me this question because you want the answer, or so you can set me up again?”
Schiavone looked like a bug flew in his mouth. “No. No, I don’t do that —”
“— I’m not done! (Yasss Queen!) I’m really excited, and I’m ready to become the first-ever TBS Women’s Champion.” Rosa paused as the crowd applauded her potential victory.”
Schiavone smiled. “What a great ovation for Thunder Rosa —”
“Hold on a second!” Mark Sterling marched on stage with Jade Cargill. (Tony should get paid by the interruption.) “Just hold on! Hold on! I think we got off on the wrong foot, Thunder Rosa. So, we just wanted to come out here and chat.”
(Right. Cause when I think Cargill, I think of nice chats.)
“Are you sure we’re gonna chat?” Rosa seemed aware of Cargill’s history of merciless chatting. “Or is your undefeated women’s wrestler here about to set me up and hit me again like she did last time?”
Cargill grabbed the mic. “Set you up? I can beat you all by myself!”
“She sure can!” Sterling’s indoor voice sounds like my sky-diving voice. “But no! I’ve alerted security that there will be no physicality tonight. In fact, Jade Cargill is not wrestling on Long Island tonight. She refuses!”
The crowd started to boo but then thought about it and seemed less upset.
“And I told security to watch out for you,” Sterling continued, “because you’re the one who’s been acting disrespectful.”
(I do not like this man. He is very loud.)
“Oh, there he goes again!” (Rosa is my spirit animal.) “You know what is disrespectful to me? That she comes out and says she can beat me up, ‘all by myself,’ but then calls security and drags you out here… simp!”
The crowd popped for ‘simp.’
“That was for you!” Cargill grabbed the mic. “Everybody here would love for me to whoop your ass —”
The crowd booed her into silence.
“You know, you’re gonna have to talk clearer cause all these people here are booing so loud I can’t —”
Sterling interrupted Rosa, “I’m not a simp! I just… like my client, okay?” (That’s what he took away from all this? Geesh… simp.)
The crowd chanted, ‘simp.’ (I feel like somewhere Max Caster is loving this.)
“You are just jealous,” Sterling stabbed the air with his finger. “You’re jealous of her success; you’re jealous she’s been able to do it in less than a year, and you’re jealous that she’s the uncrowned rookie of the year!”
Cargill insufferably mimed dropping a crown on her head.
“Congratulations, Jade; congratulations,” Rosa said. “But I’m not jealous of your success; absolutely, not! I’m out here to empower other women. Every single woman that stands in this ring! And one thing I’ve noticed is that you have no respect for any of them because everything has been given to you: good trainers, good food, good everything — unlike me who had to fight from the ground up until I got here.”
Cargill rolled her contemptuous eyes and clapped like a soulless seal.
“But you know what, Jade, enough of these words! Next time I see you in the ring, Thunder Rosa’s gonna teach you a lesson of respect and how to be humble. See you there… b*tch!”
Jade Cargill charged toward the ring screaming, “B*tch? B*tch? How dare you call me a b*tch!” (Isn’t that part of her catchphrase?)
Sterling stopped Cargill mid-ramp and implored her to back down. Rosa’s music hit, and Cargill sneered her way backstage.
(David’s Analysis: That was interesting. The quotes aren’t exact, but they are as close as I could reasonably transcribe.)
– An advert aired for Battle of the Belts on Jan. 8 in Charlotte, N.C. (After consulting a magic 8 ball, I decided to purchase tickets to this event, only to realize all the good seats were gone. Now I’m scouring the secondary market and cursing my indecisiveness. *shakes fist at sky*)
(2) KRIS STATLANDER & RED VELVET vs. NIKII DUKE & TINA SAN ANTONIO
Red Velvet and Kris Statlander entered to Velvet’s music. Statlander booped Velvet on the nose, so we knew she was taking this seriously. The two wrestlers smiled their way down the ramp, waving at the audience. Nikii Duke and Tina San Antonio awaited their boopings mid-ring.
Velvet and Duke started things off. (Duke is dusted for days, btw.) Both athletes locked up, but Velvet quickly turned that lockup into a swift takedown. Duke rolled into her corner and tagged in Antonio.
Velvet made her stir-it-up gesture, and Eddie said, “I don’t get the stir-it-up thing.” You could then hear Tony’s eyes roll as he said, “Oh, you stir up a lot of things, Eddie…”
“Cooking!” Mark Henry interjected and then proceeded to talk about cooking because that’s what this match needed.
(These guys entertain me more than the whole Marvel Universe combined.)
Velvet watched Antonio like a snake waiting to strike and then pounced into a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Antonio spun Velvet into a side headlock and tossed her into the ropes. Velvet rebounded into a shoulder tackle delivered by Antonio. Antonio glanced down at Velvet’s body before running the ropes but was stopped by a spinning heel kick.
Antonio went into the corner. Velvet charged at Antonio, but Antonio sidestepped and thrust Velvet face-first into the top turnbuckle. Now with a firm upper hand, Antonio dragged Velvet to her team’s corner, slammed her head into the turnbuckle a second time, and tagged in Duke.
Duke kicked a dismayed Velvet in the chest once, twice, and then tagged in Antonio. Antonio landed a knife-edge chop to Velvet’s chest, a kick to Velvet’s stomach, another chop to her chest, and then both Duke and Antonio slung Velvet into the ring ropes.
They both bent over in the middle of the ring and waited as Velvet caught the ropes. Velvet seized this opportunity to kick Duke in the chest to turn things around. However, Velvet’s control was only momentary, as her opponent executed an abrupt standing switch. Velvet escaped and swung both Duke and Antonio into one another. The tag team partners clutched each other’s shoulders to prevent both of themselves from falling, and Velvet took advantage of their contrived predicament to execute a flatliner. Velvet tagged in Statlander.
Statlander helped Velvet splash Duke, who clutched her stomach and rolled out of the way. Statlander then grabbed Antonio’s arm and whirl-winded her into the ropes, catching her with a clothesline, another clothesline, and then yet another clothesline. Statlander topped off her numerous clotheslines with a sitout inverted suplex facebuster.
With her opponent now staggering, Statlander bounced off the ropes and into a scissors kick to score a two-count. It might have been a three-count had Duke not broken things up.
Velvet speared Duke for interfering, and this allowed Statlander to land a nice roundhouse kick followed by a spin kick from Velvet, which was followed by a Big Bang Theory from Statlandered. Statlander hooked Antonio’s leg and got a one, two, three.
WINNER: Kris Statlander & Red Velvet in 3:00.
– After the match, Statlander and Red Velvet celebrated by doing the Velvet stir-it-up hand gesture in the ring and then executed a double boop on both of their noses. (Mercifully, the match itself was boop-free.)
(David’s Analysis: This match was a mixed bag, but it mostly contained good things. I like Kris Statlander’s in-ring work, but I sometimes struggle to identify with her character.)
(3) THE GUNN CLUB (Billy Gunn & Austin Gunn & Colten Gunn) vs. JOEY SWEETS & ANTONIO ZAMBRANO & JACK TOMLINSON
Colten Gunn and Austin Gunn came out first, quickly trailed by Billy Gunn. Dasha Gonzalez touted the team’s combined weight of seven-hundred pounds, and announced their billing as being from Orlando, Fla. Billy wore a shirt with the words “Gunn Club” marked out and the words “ass boys” written underneath it. (Wait. What?) Colten Gunn and Austin Gunn approached their dad and ripped off his shirt to expose his muscle-bound body. (Do I have the wrong tab open?) Joey Sweets, Antonio Zambrano, and Jack Tomlinson watched this display from the ring. (They must have so many questions.)
Tomlinson and Colten started things off. (Is it just me, or does Tomlinson kind of look like the guy who plays Spiderman?) It seemed as though both wrestlers were headed for a lockup, but Colten shoved Tomlinson into a neutral corner instead. Colten went for a clothesline, but Tomlinson ducked and spun Colten into the corner. Tomlinson hit a forearm, another forearm, and then an uppercut. Tomlinson went for the rarely-successful Irish Whip, and rarely beat successful in this case.
Colten reversed the Irish Whip, and Tomlinson crashed into the opposite corner, Colten ran toward Tomlinson, and Tomlinson thrust his foot into Colten’s face, sending him reeling. Tomlinson stormed Colten, and Colten went for a clothesline. Again, Tomlinson ducked. Tomlinson went into the ropes, and Colten caught him with a high dropkick. (And by high, I mean his heels eclipsed the sun.)
After getting dropkicked, Tomlinson tagged in Zambrano, who also got dropkicked and immediately tagged in Sweets. (This feels like one of those times when one friend burns his mouth on hot sauce and then wants all his other friends to try it so they can know how painful it is, too.)
Sweets stepped through the ropes and froze in place, probably expecting his foreshadowed dropkick, but instead, he got a stiff fist to the face. Colten tagged in Billy, and the crowd went up!
Eddie groaned at the crowd’s fervent reaction, “These people cheer for him, and he really doesn’t care.”
“He doesn’t…” Mark narrowed his eyes like a man who’d stepped in cat vomit. (Or at least that’s what his voice sounded like.)
(Are these three naturally that good at commentary, or do they practice lines like that in advance?)
Billy slammed Sweets’ head into the top turnbuckle with explosive force and then dragged him out of the corner by his trunks.
“The ‘ass man’ is in the ring with a man who has ‘sweet cheeks’ on his ass.” — Mark Henry, Dec. 8th, 2021.
Sweets tried to fight back, but Gunn dominated him with a big boot to the face, sending Sweets crashing to the ground. Gunn looked down at the words written on Sweets’ posterior and began to pull down his own trunks to expose his bare buttocks. Aubrey Edwards, the referee, stopped him because she hates me, and then Henry said, “Whoa, whoa, it’s not that kind of party!” (Can it be, though?)
Billy tagged in Austin, who also teased pulling down his trunks, but Edwards admonished him, too. (Can someone please lightly pump into this killjoy referee so she can spend the rest of the match unconscious?)
Unable to show the world his rear end, Colten could think of no other reason to stay in the match and immediately tagged out. Billy re-entered the match and stooped to bring Sweets to his feet. Once on his feet, Sweets punched Billy twice and then rolled to his corner, making a tag to Zambrano. Zambrano delivers three shots to Billy’s face, but he no-sold them like he was in a match with Darby and took Zambrano down with a Tilt-A-Whirl powerslam. Billy then put Zambrano’s head between his legs and did a crotch chop, shouting, “Suck it!”
(BTW, I’m a figure skater and have accidentally typed Zamboni three times during this match. The struggle is real, folks.)
Billy tagged in Austin, who jumped straight into the leg-drop bulldog made famous by his father, and with that, the Gunn Club defeated the team of Joey Sweets & Antonio Zambrano & Tom Holland Jack Tomlinson.
WINNER: The Gunn Club (Billy Gunn & Colten Gunn & Austin Gunn) in 4:00
– Austin does a flurry of crotch chops after the match, making his father… proud?
(David’s Analysis: This match was quite humorous but made very humorous by world-class commentary. I think AEW’s answer to Day 1 should be Henry, Kingston, and Schiavone doing a New Year’s Eve recap show drunk.)
(4) EMI SAKURA (w/Mei Suruga) vs. NOTORIOUS MIMI
Emi Sakura and Mei Suruga made their way to the ring. Sakura was in her queen gear and did a royal ‘pageant wave’ down the ramp. Sakura and Suruga then struck a wicked pose in the ring. Notorious Mimi awaited Sakura’s arrival. When announced, Mimi waved and blew kisses to the crowd.
To start, Mimi and Sakura bumped chests in the ring, and things fast devolved into a shoving match. Mimi backed away, and Suruga reached out to trip her but failed. Mimi turned her back on Sakura to look at Suruga, and Sakura took full advantage by pounding Mimi across the back with forearms and mud stomping her once she fell helpless to the ground. Sakura dragged Mimi to her feet, shoved her head under her arm, and performed a…
“Whoa! What is that move called?” Eddie Kingston exclaimed. “Anybody in the back? No?”
…twisting neckbreaker. (Chef’s kiss, Kingston; chef’s kiss.)
Sakura tossed Mimi with a hair snapmare takeover, and Mimi pulled herself up in the corner. Sakura began rallying the crowd for her signature ‘We Will Rock You’ chops. The crowd stomped and clapped as Sakura stomped and chopped to her heart’s delight. (If she ever turns face, this spot will be an out-and-out extravaganza.)
Sakura backed off, but Mimi was too out of it to make a comeback, and Sakura landed a hard running crossbody. Suruga cackled with glee and swatted at the camera when it got too close to her face.
Eddie Kingston asked, “Why are you laughing like that???”
Sakura stomped Mimi’s back before flinging her into the turnbuckles. Sakura ran forward, but Mimi pulled herself up using those turnbuckles and rolled over Sakura’s shoulders, all the while wrapping her up for a two-count in the process. (That was very well executed.) Mimi rammed her forearm across Sakura’s face, and Sakura cradled her jaw in an expression of undiluted shock. Sakura ducked Mimi’s next offense and delivered a Queen’s Gambit. But she doesn’t go for the pin! Instead, Sakura wraps Mimi up in a Mexican surfboard!
(The commentators are discussing Freddy Mercury, and I’m here for it.)
Sakura performed what would normally be a twisting wristlock, but since she used Mimi’s long, flowing hair instead of her wrist, I’m not sure what that called. Sakura then did the ‘yank thing’ you often see done in wristlocks, but again, she used Mimi’s hair instead of her wrist. (Creative.)
Sakura threw herself into the ropes hoping to rebound into Mimi, but Mimi caught Sakura for a Sidewalk Slam out of nowhere. Mimi made a mad dash to follow that up with a leg drop and then hugged Sakura’s leg for a desperate pin.
Sakura kicked out at two! Mimi pounded the mat in frustration, and Sakura gave a masterclass in facial expressions. Mimi grabbed Sakura’s hair, and Sakura yanked free, shoving Mimi into the ropes in the process. Mimi caught herself on the ropes, and Sakura had a friendly chit-chat with the referee while Suruga hopped onto the apron and clubbed Mimi over the head with a shimmering metal scepter.
Sakura immediately stopped giving the ref whatever recipe he’d asked for and rolled up Mimi’s nearly-dead body for a three-count.
WINNER: Emi Sakura (w/Mei Suruga) in 4:00
(David’s Analysis: I spent the last three shows singing Sakura’s praises and nothing about this match changed my mind. I don’t think I’ve heard her say a single word, yet I feel like I know her character.)
(5) ANTHONY OGOGO (w/ Q.T. Marshall & Aaron Solow & Nick Comoroto) vs. JADEN VALO
Anthony Ogogo strutted out, flanked by the Factory — Q.T. Marshall, Aaron Solow, and Nick Comoroto. Ogogo stopped at the top of the ramp to hold a Union Jack above his head and made a vulgar gesture toward an audience member.
Already in the ring, Jaden Valo made his sacrificial AEW debut. Valo jumped up and down, waving at the crowd. He looked so excited to be there. (Who wants to be the one to tell him?)
The bell rang, and Ogogo kneed Valo in the stomach, sending him flying through the air.
“The excitement just ended for Valo,” Tony Schiavone said.
Ogogo slung Valo into the ropes, caught him, and gave him an Olympic Slam for the win.
WINNER: Anthony Ogogo (w/ Q.T. Marshall, Aaron Solow, and Nick Comoroto) at 28 seconds
(David’s Analysis: Jaden Valo got a little bit murdered there.)
(6) SANTANA & ORTIZ vs. MIKE VERNA & ANTHONY GANGONE (w/Prince Nana)
Santana and Ortiz made their way to the ring in stark, intimidating makeup. The crowd burst into cheers and seemed appreciative of Santana and Ortiz. The camera cut to a Puerto Rican flag in the crowd. Ortiz spotted the fan with the flag, and they handed it to him. He posed with the flag on the ring apron before giving it back. (Great moment there.)
Mike Verna and Anthony Gangone already stood in the ring.
Santana and Verna started things off, circling each other. Then, at lightning speed, we got a standing switch, another standing switch, a chop from Santana, another chop from Santana, and a tag to Ortiz.
Ortiz hopped in the ring and assisted Santana with a double Irish Whip. Santana caught Verna with a clothesline, and Ortiz delivered an atomic drop, followed by a DDT. Ortiz then bent over, allowing Santana to use his back to do a moonsault onto Verna. Ortiz then popped up and hit a senton on Verna. (I cannot emphasize enough just how fast this is happening.)
Gangone charged in and got tossed right out. (Well, he does have the word ‘gone’ in his name, so I guess that’s truth in advertising.) Prince Nana grabbed Ortiz’s ankle, and Ortiz turned around only for Verna to strike him across the back. Verna put Ortiz in a front face headlock and backed up toward his team’s corner, reaching out to tag his partner, Gangone.
Gangone swung Ortiz toward the corner and ran for a shoulder tackle, but Ortiz jumped over his head (yes, over his head) and rolled across the ring to tag in Santana. Santana ran right through both Gangone and Verna with a double clothesline. Gangone got up, and Santana hit him with two clotheslines in rapid succession and then landed a third clothesline, turning him ‘inside out.’
Eddie Kingston is giving out some glorious commentary right now, but this match is so fast, I can’t even concentrate on what he’s saying.
Satana slung Gangone into the ropes, tossed him over his back, struck him again, and Gangone stumbled into the face team’s corner. Ortiz headbutted him, Gangone fell into the ropes, and Santana dashed across the ring but was met with a big boot to the face. The force of the kick spun Santana around. Gangone used the ropes on the second turnbuckle to propel himself over Santana’s hunched body, and rolled toward his corner as Ortiz tagged himself in and assisted Santana. The latter used his partner’s leverage to roll faster than the already rolling Gangone, catching up with him, leaping into the air backward, and hitting him with a picture-perfect cutter. (Holy crap.)
Together, Santana and Ortiz hit a blistering fast Outlined In Chalk, smashing Gangone to the mat like a bug on a windshield. This has got to be it. Ortiz goes for the cover, and… it’s indeed over with a three-count!
WINNER: Santana & Ortiz in 2:00
(David’s Analysis: …
Santana and Ortiz: How many wrestling moves do you want in this match?
Tony Kahn: Yes.)
(7) TONY NESE vs. ALEX REYNOLDS
(This should be good.)
Tony Nese made his entrance first, pulling open his jacket to show off abs so vivid they look like tentacles buried beneath his skin. (I don’t know what kind of crunches you do to achieve that, but those abs look like they’re about to turn into the monster from Aliens.)
Alex Reynolds walked out next. Some members of the Dark Order accompanied him to the stage and then left. I didn’t catch which members it was, but I think I saw Evil Uno, Stu Grayson, and Alan Angels among them. Alex Reynolds made his way to the ring alone.
Alex Reynolds stopped mid-ring to do the Dark Order salute, and just as he got his hand up, Tony Nese attacked him from behind! (Everything Nese does annoys me to no end. It’s great.) Noting Reynolds couldn’t even stand on his own volition, the ref decided now was the perfect time to start the match. (Really? My nose hurts from being pinched.)
Tony Nese got a ton of body shots in on Reynolds, who was still heaped over in the corner after getting attacked before the match in front of a lobotomized referee. (I swear to God if this is the same guy from the Sakura match… hang on… OMG, it’s the same guy! How does he have a job?!)
The referee ordered Nese to ‘break it up,’ and Nese let Reynolds out of the corner. Reynolds then laid it on thick with four hard forearms to his assailant’s face. Nese chucked Reynolds into the ring ropes and scored a rolling leg sweep that sent Nese sliding out of the ring to the floor.
Nese swaggered around the floor with the self-satisfied look of a petulant child about to tell you how much money his parents make. He finally hopped back in the ring, and Reynolds brought him face-first into the canvas with a drop toe-hold. Reynolds rolled away from Nese and hopped to the outside.
Nese hung his smug mug over the second ring rope, and Reynolds ran around the ring toward Nese to Drive By Kick him in the side of his inflated head. (The best words to describe this moment is “euphoric.”)
Reynolds climbed to the top turnbuckle while Nese swayed center-ring, unable to fully stand on his own. Reynolds nailed a humungous crossbody, crushing Nese into the canvas. Nese stumbled his way into the corner and hung onto the turnbuckles like they were foam-padded life rafts. Reynolds paced in the distance like a caged animal, waiting for the right moment to strike. Reynolds picked his spot and raced toward Nese, blasting his chest with an unforgiving clothesline. Reynolds then swung Nese into the opposite corner. Nese crashed against another row of turnbuckles, and Reynolds ran at him a second time. This time, Nese ducked out of the way and peered over the second rope to the floor. The referee then backed Reynolds out of Nese’s corner.
Reynolds pulled Nese upright, clotheslined him again, hung him over the top rope, and climbed to the second turnbuckle. But before Reynolds could make his next move, Nese hopped up, grabbed his legs, and yanked him off the turnbuckles. Nese jumped on top of Reynolds, straddled his body, and pummeled him with a hailstorm of fists. Nese got up and pounded his chest (sort of like Jungle Boy, but unlike Jungle Boy, Nese is a pompous jerk). Nese tried to drag the heroic Reynolds back to his feet, undoubtedly hoping for another onslaught of unnecessary violence. (Well, to be fair, that’s pretty much all of professional wrestling.)
Reynolds fought back, punching upward into Nese’s stomach as he battled to his feet. Finally, he sent Nese reeling with an uppercut for a second, but only for a split second because Nese punched Reynolds in the throat! (Is that even legal?) Nese yanked Reynolds across the top rope with a running bulldog to the floor. Nese jumped from the apron, over the top rope, and to the second rope. Then, without missing a beat, Nese springboarded off that second turnbuckle into a moonsault on Reynolds. (Nice try, Nese, but your talent only fuels my contempt!)
Nese went for a cover! One, (no!), two (no!), kick out (yes!). Nese is unphased by Reynolds refusal to stay down in the face of overwhelming odds and snapped on a rear chin lock. Reynolds struggled against the chin lock as Eddie declared, “He’s trying to wear him down.”
Reynolds “peppered” Nese’s midsection (thanks for that adjective, Eddie; you are great at your job.), and Nese shoved Reynolds into the corner to stop the blows. Nese assailed Reynolds in the aforementioned corner, but his onslaught is stopped dead in its tracks by a resourceful mule kick. Reynolds executed a sunset flip, but the cat-like Nese rolled to his feet. Nese performed a spinning back kick but caught only air as Reynolds wrapped his arm under Nese’s leg and rolled him up into a small package for a two-count.
Both men pulled apart, and Nese sprinted toward Reynolds in the corner. Reynolds jumped aside, and Nese crashed hard. Nese stumbled forward, and Reynolds launched himself off the ring ropes delivering a wicked back elbow. Reynolds punctuated his back elbow with a nice dropkick, and Nese went down. Both men staggered back to their feet.
Schiavone said, “It looks like he got his nose busted a little bit.
Mark Henry said, “This is not ballet.”
I thought, “This is car-crash ballet!”
Both men spun around one another, and Reynolds landed a hard right to Nese’s jaw, which he then paired with a forward-facing Lung Blower to Nese’s chest. Reynolds scooped Nese up for another pin, but Nese kicked out.
“Nese’s abs helped him on that one,” Eddie said.
Reynolds pulled Nese to his feet and put his head between his legs as if he were considering a Pedigree, but Nese floored Reynolds with a double leg takedown into a rollup for another near fall! Nese only got a two-count. Reynolds pulled off a release German suplex, but Nese landed on his feet! Reynolds went for a clothesline but missed when Nese performed a fallback and pop-up. (That looked insane, btw.) Schiavone said, “That looked like something out of the Matrix.” It wasn’t really a Matrix Evasion, but it was definitely as impressive.
Nese went for a fast series of three different types of kicks, and then he executed a release German Suplex, but this time, it was Reynolds who landed on his feet! Nese ran at Reynolds, and Reynolds tried to counter with an atomic drop, but that was countered with a pop-up knee to Reynold’s face. Both men were separated again, staggering and bewildered, fighting to find their bearings in the midst of a very entertaining match!
Reynolds climbed to the top rope.
Eddie Kingston said, “I dare you to go to the top rope. I double-dog dare you!”
Mark Henry replied, “Oh yeah, well how about a triple dog?”
Kingston exclaimed, “I triple dog dare you!”
“He’ll take that dare, buddy!” Schiavone chimed in.
And indeed, he did. Reynolds flew through the air with a triple-dog-dared moonsault onto Nese, only for Nese to get his knees up in the nick of time. (Dammit.) Reynolds clutched his stomach, and Neese rolled him up for a one, two — Nese pulled Reynolds up off the mat entirely, suspending him in mid-air and using only ONE ARM. (I need to work out more). Nese slammed Reynolds down onto the mat with a super-strength-one-armed-spin-buster. (Perhaps Nese is Superman’s astonishingly annoying cousin?) Nese propped a spent Reynolds on the bottom turnbuckle, ran into the ropes opposite him, catapulted off those ropes, and slammed a running knee into Reynold’s skull.
“He’s out,” Eddie said.
“Yeah, he’s out,” Schiavone agreed.
Nese dragged a decidedly “out” Reynolds to the center of the ring, hooked his leg, pinned him, and scored a three-count for the win. (Vapid evil prevails again… ugh.)
WINNER: Tony Nese in 5:00
(David’s Analysis: Nese is very talented, and Reynolds is spectacular as well. Together they put on a really nice match! I enjoy hating Nese’s character an unhealthy amount. — BTW, when complaining about the referee, I’m complaining about how wrestling referees are booked in general and not the actual guy. I know that should be obvious, but I just wanted to clarify that I appreciate everyone involved in creating this match.)
– After the match, Nese celebrated with the unabashed confidence of a mirror selfie come to life. (You know what, I’m gonna need to go rewatch Sammy pin him again. If you’ll excuse me for just one second…)
See you all next week! *glares in Nese’s general direction*
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