SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS
DECEMBER 9, 2020
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with a recap of a family splintered by divorce that isn’t going to have a big happy family get together for a baby shower. Apparently the twins are horny. This is not quality television and there is no reason for this show to exist. The open plays. I guess they’re stencil-painting on their pregnant bellies. Evidently the Mom is planning the baby shower… in COVID-19 times. The twins are desperate to have the father who abandoned them at the baby shower instead of the family that they regularly interact with. Mmmkay. Then two quasi rich D-level celebrities casually bemoan having a global pandemic put a damper on their social lives and party plans.
Nikki swims naked in her outdoor pool. Artem thinks this is a bad idea. I wish this show would die. Unless you have a fetish for pregnant chicks, none of this is meaningful. Nikki wants to f— Artem, Artem doesn’t want to f— her because she’s so pregnant. I guess I’m on team Artem on this one, if I’m being forced to care. The twins and the Mom then argue about who’s going to be invited to the baby shower DURING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC. Commercial.
After the break the twins continue to argue with their mom about the guests for the baby shower. They suggest she go see a therapist. Oh, dear lord. There’s a global pandemic and Nikki hasn’t gotten to have a giant party with gifts that she has the actual income to buy and a professional photographer. Boo-hoo. And yet she’s still filming herself in her underwear and putting it on the internet.
Moving on, Brie and Artem hatch a plan to make sure Nikki stops wandering around outside naked. Oh, and they want Bryan to convince Artem to f— very pregnant Nikki. God, why is this a show?
Brie and Artem unleash this “the neighbor’s saw you naked” thing. And then after all the rigamarole of convincing her to not wander around outside naked, they tell her they made it up. Again, I don’t care if Artem doesn’t want to stick his penis in her vagina, this isn’t worthwhile TV. The Mom comes over. They’re planning the baby shower. So, they sent the Mom to their therapist who Stockholm syndromed the Mom into doing what the twins want. Okay, whatever. God dammit, we’re back on this “Nikki and Artem not f—ing” thing. Evidently Nikki doesn’t care about Artem’s feelings unless they acquiesce to her wants.
Brie and Bryan talk via Facetime. Brie explains that Artem isn’t f—ing Nikki and then explains that Nikki masturbates. This isn’t a real problem that anyone needs to know about. Brie wants Bryan to talk to Artem. “Hey man, how’s your dick?” is what Bryan wants to know if he’s supposed to ask. Bryan and Artem have a talk. Bryan tries to talk Artem into it. Artem doesn’t really seem like he wants to do this.
We move directly onto the baby shower at a venue during a pandemic where no one is wearing face masks! Oh, wait, THE STAFF is wearing face masks. Creepy Brother’s wife Lauren shows up. They have an awkward exchange. More claptrap about the therapist since they invited a couple family members to make the Mom happy. Creepy Brother wants to Facetime on the giant ThunderZoom screen that appears to be present. Commercial.
The brother is gracious and well behaved. Other people Facetime, including Nattie… who somehow did not mention her dead father, which is a small miracle. Artem shows up with a flower bouquet and a Gucci diaper bag. Moving on, Nikki is in bed and Artem comes into the room – fully clothed – with a bowl of strawberries and a bowl of chocolate. I guess they’re going to eat them blind-folded. This doesn’t really go anywhere and then Artem walks into the bathroom.
Teasers for next week is footage of one of them giving birth, but, they also teased that last week. Sadly, there’s no potential for an alien clown invasion or anything remotely interesting.
This show sounds godawful. I’m sorry you have to watch it. I absolutely love your hilarious reviews, though. Thank you for your service!