SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS
NOVEMBER 19, 2020
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with Brie explaining a mucous plug to Nikki. Of course they made it gross. The show open plays. They Facetime with their long lost dad. He wonders if they’re having a baby shower.
We’re back into the Mom and Creepy Brother not being on board with getting back together with long lost Dad. Nikki and Brie then discuss leaky nipples. Moving on, Artem likes to cycle, so, Nikki bought him a cycling outfit. I want this show to die. Nikki is having body issues, I guess. Using a condom a while ago would have nipped that in the bud, eh? Nikki wonders if there should be a baby shower. As if the whole family really wants to get together given the divorce dynamic. Maxipads are discussed. Again, I want this show to die.
They’re watching Brie’s birthing video. I wish I could fast-forward this. No one needs to watch footage of anyone giving birth, except, like, doctors. They show practically all of what will be on the other side of the commercial, so the Mom will cycle with Artem, and Nikki and Creepy Brother aren’t speaking because these twins can’t get it through their thick skulls that just because they made up with long lost Dad doesn’t mean that everyone else has.
Nikki introduces her mom as Artem’s new cycling partner… because she used to do spin class. Artem is being a good sport about this. Artem knows this is stupid. F—. If only it could be 44 minutes of just Artem. The Mom shows up on an old lady bike. Artem makes her wear a helmet. Moving along, the twins do some sort of Zoom interview, and we’re back to Creepy Brother and Nichole not talking. Nikki doesn’t really want to make up with him. I still want this show to die.
Back from commercial, the Bella twins don’t know how to pronounce Serbia. They’re recording an open for something. “Can we talk about how Matteo already has a big penis?” Nikki actually said that. Again, I want this show to die. The Mom and Artem go hiking and discuss the baby shower. Artem asks point blank if the Mom would show up if the long lost Dad was there. The answer is no.
Artem and the Mom return from the hike… which kind of highlights that Bryan Danielson is never on this damned show. Artem tells them that the Mom said she doesn’t want to be at a baby shower with long lost Dad. According to Brie Bella the T. Rex is “the spooky one” of dinosaurs. If only this show was a three year old playing with plastic dinosaurs. Random shots of a dog – and speak of the devil – Bryan appears in the episode for like three seconds. They’re doing lamaze classes via Zoom.
Alright, I’m now missing Colbert to watch this. Random shots of the desert. Brie is apparently afraid she’s going to have a C-Section again. Bryan has to convince her that the breathing techniques are worth it. Meanwhile, Artem and the Mom are golfing. Brie and Nikki are looking at baby stuff and they’re jealous that Artem and the Mom are golfing. Brie woke up with three stretch marks. I dunno, she said it out loud. Again, this show could just stop being. My life is not enriched to know that. So, they go to the golf course to spy on Artem and the Mom.
So, the pregnant Bella twins are drinking nonalcoholic beer. *insert eye roll* Okay, there’s all sorts of beverages that aren’t alcoholic that come in bottle that they could drink. Okay, honestly, that segment went nowhere. It’s the kind of thing only obsessive fans would want to watch – you know, the kind of people who write fan fiction? Yeah, I’m not one. Brie and Nikki are going to have a Zoom meeting with a shrink because there are family issues and full grown independent adults aren’t doing exactly what the twins want and subjugating their thoughts and feelings to delight them. Nikki keeps mentioning politics, while not actually picking a side which honestly makes it seem like Creepy Brother is ultra conservative or something.
The shrink explains personal boundaries versus trying to control other people. When they close out the Zoom meeting they discuss the shrink’s blazer and hair – in a totally jelly way. Moving on, Bryan wants to watch the end of the birthing video – which, you know, results in a fully formed baby being born. They both coo over footage of their own child.
Next week they go on a retreat to Flagstaff, there’s whackadoodle spiritual healer stuff and the Mom wonders what happens if Nikki and Artem split up.
You watch it so we don’t have to. Although no-one should have to. Blimey.