SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS
NOVEMBER 12, 2020
AIRED ON E!
Okay, the show opens with 2 minutes that basically explain everything that happens this season… and yet there will still be however unnecessary episodes there are of this. We open with Nikki wanting to shave her pubes. Yes, this is low class AF. At this point my water softener just started running. So, I just ran upstairs and through the garage and ran back down the stairs with a 40lb bag of salt and then dumped that into the softener. When I sat back down, two grown women with average IQs were talking about poop and I assume sex. It’s not like they debate astro-physics or something. Commercial.
Nikki thinks she can only give birth in L.A. Yeah, as if millions of people haven’t been born in places that aren’t L.A. for all of human time. Apparently Nikki didn’t believe in reading baby books because humans have reproduced for most of human time without them… Good thing she doesn’t know what infant mortality rate was, or like how high it was until like 1950. Anyway, they talk about babies projectile defecating and vomiting. Bryan Facetimes with Brie and Birdie. Oh, Christ, this entire episode will be about whether or not Nikki will give birth in L.A. or Arizona. The Mom Facetimes with Brie and Nikki and they discuss her Bell’s Palsy progress. We evidently have to learn about this book. Apparently Nikki was raped twice as a teenager, and she told no one. No, I did not read this book. No, watching this TV show doesn’t make me want to read this book.
Brie decides to record fake baby cries. Bryan does it loudly and makes Birdie cry. OMFG, someone needs to brush that girl’s hair; she looks so raggedy and she doesn’t have naturally curly hair, so, it doesn’t look pretty, it just looks awful. Yes, my aunt instincts are to want to brush this child’s hair. Brie sets up a test with a fake baby, Artem passes it, Nikki apparently has no idea what to do with a baby. Mmmkay. Moving on, Nikki had an appointment. There was “a speck” on the imaging of the baby’s heart, so said some nurse, not the doctor that actually did the exam.
Birdie is having her bossy stage. So, Nikki has to tell Brie about the speck. Nikki is planning to drive all the way to L.A. to visit a doctor, which is stupid, so unbelievably stupid. F—, these two are discussing foot callouses. Like there are things I could be doing right now, and this is not quality television. Okay, they’re pimping this book again for an interview. Apparently the only thing that’s interesting about this book is that Nikki was raped twice, not that they have a life story. As a woman am I expected to find this meaningful, because they were just talking about calloused feet? This show is not well composed. Okay, so, the Mom has to read this 20 years after the fact in a book, and they all get misty-eyed about it. I hate to break this to y’all, but I’m not being dragged on someone’s arbitrary feeling emotional roller coaster, I’m watching a show that isn’t worth watching, I don’t have tears to shed for a 20 year old sexual assault presented between baby poop and foot callouses. Commercial.
Nikki and Artem are driving six hours to L.A. for a doctor’s appointment. This is absurd; it also highlights the gap between rich people and poor people. All the equipment necessary to do scanning exists in Phoenix, as do people with doctorates, degrees, and certification in medicine who know how to run those machines. This is such snobby bullsh– that I’m watching. It’s so entitled. So, it turns out that the speck was nothing. Something that could have been ascertained in Phoenix.
Oh, Christ, she’s making excuses about having the baby in L.A. for insurance purposes, as if it’s impossible to fill out the out-of-network paperwork. Yeah, that’s a thing. No one loves their private insurance. It’s still a stupid reason to travel six hours from home to have a baby. Nikki Facetimes with the Mom, so, we have to talk about this rape thing again without ever explicitly mentioning the details. No, I’m not enticed into buying the book. Yes, I still hate this show. Honestly, if this raped 20 years ago story is so important, then a segment where Nikki explicitly explained what happened would have been the responsible thing to do. The way this is being treated and the absolute cold shoulder it’s bringing out of me is because it seems like playing with people’s emotions to peddle books. Using a rape story to shill a book is just all manner of ick.
Back from commercial and the Mom is still crying about not having fixed things at the time the rape occurred… which stems from a lack of honesty at the time. Oh, Nikki is doing that thing that all pre-birth parents do when they talk about the morals they’re going to instill in their kid. Yeah, when that child is born it’s all about diapers, crying, feeding, and them not sticking things in outlets. Morals are a long, long way off. Brie, Nikki, and Birdie go through a car wash. They probably should have just showed footage of Birdie staring wide-eyed at the windows for 44 minutes. Nikki brings up the insurance issue, and claims she’s having the baby in L.A. They show a RAINN screen for like five seconds.
Next week on the show: Will Nikki have a baby shower and will their long lost father be there?
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