5/26 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT by Sarah K (Ep. 9): “Brie and Bryan are somewhere where a lady will ‘channel a vortex’ with some crap arranged on a fancy piece of cloth.”

TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 9)
MAY 26, 2020
AIRED ON E!

Should you watch this show? No. You could stare at a wall. I haven’t even watched this yet and I know this is an hour of my life wasted. Nikki bought Brie singing lessons. I watched two seconds of this and then fast-forwarded until the scene changed. Oh, Christ, it’s the Bella podcast. Yeah, there’s nothing less interesting than being shown footage of a person on a podcast that you don’t care about at all. Nikki knows no Russian. Boy, can’t wait until the episode where she learns about the Cyrillic alphabet. Yes, that was sarcasm.

There’s a meaningless talking scene with the twins and the Mom talking about Bryan. They could just skip to the whackadoodle faith healer part instead of wasting my time with this exposition. No, I don’t care if they’re happy in their marriage. Shameless plug for the wine they slap their names on. Johnny Ace makes a three second cameo. They talk about Artem while Artem is at the table. Uh, yeah. I don’t care if Artem proposes; evidently I’m supposed to.

Artem got a job. Time is filled with Nikki and Brie pretending to tap dance. Yes, this show is meaningless filler. Oh, f—, they’re discussing whether or not Artem will propose. This goes on for way too long. Brie and Bryan are going to Sedona. They probably could have just gone to a marriage counselor. Bryan mispronounces “chasm.” For once they’re wearing seat belts correctly. That shouldn’t be notable. They relive their wedding, with sepia-toned footage. I guess Sedona is supposed to tell them that 90 percent of a relationship is about communication. I wonder which bush will tell them that?

Nikki and Artem are in a car. Nikki is the dipshit not wearing the seat belt correctly. Nikki thinks she’s going to learn Russian by learning like two phrases. “It’s definitely endearing when Nicole is trying to learn Russian, even though it’s absolutely terrible and makes no sense.” Artem is, indeed, our only hope. Moving on, Brie and Bryan go to a Native American healer. Bryan feels that trances heal depression. They sit in a sweat lodge. The authenticity of the moment is kind of questionable given that the Shaman’s lady friend appears to have a set of fake tits in a push-up bra. Yeah, nothing natural or sacred about underwires.

Bryan has a small meltdown. Watching this reminded me that he spent a couple years on the shelf for concussion-based head injuries. Bryan purports to have an out of body experience. Yup, I’m never getting this three minutes of my life back. They play some indie pop music over part of this segment. They have an awkward conversation in the car after this experience. The focus of this conversation is about how Bryan – who travels all over the world to perform in front of crowds – just wants a “simple life.” Of course, his definition of a simple life is apparently anti-consumption, which he keeps saying to the woman he married who wants to sell clothes, wine, and make-up. So, to be serious for a moment, there is a fundamental misunderstanding about compromise, which is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. That’s why Nikki and John didn’t work out. Bryan feels “at peace” after this whackadoodle sweat lodge thing where he did a head trip and then got showered with attention. Oh, c’mon, I’m not the only person who noticed that.

Meanwhile, Artem and Nikki babysit Birdie. Yes, the toddler still needs her hair brushed. No, that’s not a look. Artem does the kind of stuff that dudes do with kids. Yes, there have been gender studies about how men typically play with children vs. how women engage. Men are more inclined to engage in physical play, making faces and weird noises, etc. Oh dear, there’s more new age hippie crap. Brie and Bryan are somewhere where a lady will “channel a vortex” with some crap arranged on a fancy piece of cloth that I thought was a plastic garbage bag at first glance. Brian admits to having issues with depression and an inability to communicate. They talk about that time three years ago when Bryan walked out on hanging out at John Cena’s house to film in order to go spend time alone in the woods. So, all the things this lady has them do are based on communicating, which (next to compromise) is why most relationships fail. So, she’s a marriage counselor dressed up as a new age hippie guru or whatever. Brie and Bryan stand on rocks and embrace. Commercial.

Brie and Bryan are outside; Birdie has a large wooden play-set. They make happy marriage talk. Brie meets Artem for coffee; he tells her that he bought an engagement ring. Brie thinks that Artem, who is an adult, needs to ask her parents permission to get engaged to Nikki. That is so not progressive, modern, or feminist. Women’s empowerment my ass. There’s a whole history of marriage; it’s complex and long, but this asking someone else’s permission first bit is a relic that can die off already. Anyway, Artem somehow needs Brie’s help.

Next week: Artem will propose and it turns out that Nikki and Brie are both pregnant, which we’ve all known this entire time.

CATCH UP… 5/19 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT by Sarah K (Ep. 7): Brie says “world wind,” Nikki discusses not wanting her boyfriend’s sperm on her frozen embryos, a $30,000 baby-proofing request, walkie-talkie time