SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 6)
MAY 5, 2020
AIRED ON E!
Should you watch this show? No. Does this show need to be seen? No. Do I watch this show and then write words to save you the hour of your life that could be better spent inventorying the pile of mismatched socks atop your dyer? Yes. On this episode Nikki will be stupid drunk and almost break up with Artem, and will Brie shove her newfound interest in Mexican heritage on her brother? Yes.
For whatever reason, the show opens with footage reminding us that these two went to go see the father who abandoned them as teenagers and now has a New Family. I have no idea why this needs to be revisited. Christ, they basically recap the episode in the first five minutes. Yes, I hate this episode already. They’re in a record store. They’re speaking basic Spanish. Is being in a record shop supposed to make them hip? It’s not working. Show open plays. They shamelessly plug their clothing line. They want their brand to represent their “Mexican side.” Brie puts the Spanish word describing objects on the object – just like that episode of “The Office.” Because the Bella twins are petty and low class, this two minutes of my life that I will never get back ends with dumb Nikki asking Siri what’s the Spanish word for “bitch.” Yeah, no one gains anything from this segment.
Nikki and Artem go to some store with wine and eat ice cream in order to arrange the date where she will irresponsibly be stupid drunk. Watching them eat food is not meaningful. I fast-forwarded. Seriously, I need to take a shower. Brie visits Creepy Brother and his kids. She brings some Mexican shirt for his daughter. This is manipulative. JJ isn’t into it. Brie has apparently decided that JJ needs to reconcile with their dad. Yeah, that’s not her decision to make. Commercial.
Brie and Nikki drink alcohol. They’re going to host watching a TV show, I guess. I don’t really care. Brie makes a big deal out of having a babysitter, as if in previous episodes they haven’t mentioned that she has a nanny. Yeah, so they’re drunk and hosting this thing and Nikki is showering some other guy with attention and Artem sees it. Nikki invites the rando on their date and Artem leaves. So, drunk Brie goes on a date with drunk Nikki. Yup, drunk people are super-stupid, and these dumb bitches are no exception. No, this is not entertaining nor is it enriching my life. Stupid drunk Nikki flirts with another guy at the club and Artem sees it. Artem leaves again. Artem appears to be the only smart one. Oh, Brie convinces him to not leave. He goes back in and stupid drunk Nikki is dancing with some rando. Artem leaves again. Oh, shit, stupid drunk Nikki is belligerent – let me pretend to be surprised.
Oh, Artem is seeing stupid drunk Nikki for the first time. He is not enthralled. Artem leaves. Good Artem. Stupid drunk Nikki is so dumb that she doesn’t understand that she just hurt someone else’s feelings. Nikki then annoys Artem while he’s sleeping. She doesn’t understand that she did anything wrong. Yeah, being drunk and flirting with a dude in front of your date isn’t a smart thing to do. Stupid drunk Nikki insists that Artem is jealous and it’s all his fault. Artem has no interest in arguing with stupid drunk Nikki. Stupid drunk Nikki tries to insist that the argument is ending because she’s right. No, kids, stupid drunk Nikki isn’t right.
Brie and Nikki ride in a car. Both Brie and Nikki are dipshits. Boys, girls, kids, women, and children: The shoulder strap of a seat belt is to be worn OVER your shoulder – ALWAYS, as per the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Seriously, there’s a federal administration that can provide you with proper instructions about how to wear a seat belt in a car. These two dumb fucks are doing it wrong and there’s no justification for it whatsoever; it’s just wrong and very irresponsible. Don’t be a stupid f— like the Bella twins, wear your seat belt correctly at all times in a moving vehicle. Anyway, dumb twin and stupid twin talk about how stupid twin may have broken up with Artem because she’s a belligerent drunk. This chatter is meaningless. Shameless plug for some company that I’m not plugging. Other people designed these clothes and they’re putting their names on it. Nikki is in Artem’s home when he returns home. She thinks they should talk about last night. It made Nikki angry that she was having fun, Artem was jealous, and then it was all Artem’s fault. Nikki accepts no responsibility for being shitfaced. Commercial.
Artem reminds Nikki that she said a lot of inappropriate things. For whatever reason this is somehow supposed to be Artem’s fault. Yeah, it’s not. Your stupid girlfriend needs to stop getting shit-faced – that’s the problem. I don’t want to see them make up. Yes, it makes me think less of Artem. He can so do better. Moving on, Brie is going to try to foist off this Mexican heritage thing on her brother. They’re at some place that makes tamales – the Mom, Dumb Twin, Stupid Twin, and Lauren. Creepy Brother didn’t come because Brie is being overbearing with his heritage stuff. Lauren has to explain to the dumb one that J.J. gets to figure out his own feelings when he wants to. Nikki and the Mom are eating somewhere, and Nikki admits that she thinks that she’s pregnant.
Brie, Birdie, J.J., and Vivienne go to a Spanish ice cream place. They discuss whether or not they can speak Spanish. Neither one of them knows the word “bilingual.” Brie has to acknowledge that J.J. gets to have his own feelings and thoughts when he wants to. Moving on, the Mom buys Nikki a pregnancy test. The Mom has to call Brie to convince Nikki to take the pregnancy test. As they’re having this conversation, Artem walks in. Gee, I wonder if they’ll try to hide this like in the family photo episode?
Next week: Artem knows about the pregnancy test and Brie and Bryan have marriage issues.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.