SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 5)
APRIL 29, 2020
AIRED ON E!
Should you watch this show? No. Will this show enrich your life? No. Do I want to watch this show? No. Am I watching it so that you don’t have to? Yes. Before the open there’s a long recap of what are supposedly plot points. As in Brie doesn’t want another kid. Bryan, who is on the road and not at home with a toddler like his wife of very average IQ doesn’t understand how anyone could only want one kid. Spoiler alert: This doesn’t make him sympathetic. Oh, and Nikki can’t wrestle anymore, so maybe she’ll host a show with Renee Young and Booker T that I don’t watch.
The show opens with Artem wearing one of Nikki’s ring outfits. Good god, I’m embarrassed for him. He does her dance, and then – effortlessly – puts her up on his shoulders to imitate the “Rack Attack” – which for me illustrates that it is not a devastating finishing move. Nikki and Brie have been invited to some premiere of Smackdown, you know, in the good old days before the Coronavirus nullified arena shows. Unnecessary restaurant scene. Artem and Nikki make out in front of Brie. Yeah, this is neither necessary or enlightening footage. Nikki visits Dr. Uribe. Nikki is making a craven attempt to get medically cleared. The doctor is not into this. At least one of them is smart.
Brie and Nattie are in Artem’s kitchen. What’s shown on camera of this room – it appears to have glass cabinets where most people have wooden cabinets on the walls. Each cabinet shelf holds one bottle of alcohol. Yes, one. Mind you, I don’t have a spacious kitchen, but there isn’t a kitchen that I’ve ever had where I owned so few pots and pans or dishes or Tupperware that I’d think: Yup, glass cabinets, each shelf will hold ONE bottle of alcohol. Yeah, I see some priorities. The point of this shameless segment is that Nattie will be on the Bella’s podcast to discuss how her husband’s injury is similar to Nikki’s injury. Yeah, I’ve never listened to a single episode of that podcast and I never will.
For whatever reason Nikki is talking to Artem about a vision board. I have never made a vision board. I know, right. I graduated from high school with a GPA of 4.33, then I went to college and graduated, and I live in a house and have a job and that thing I got a degree in is what I do as a hobby. And all this without a vision board! Apparently a vision board is when you buy magazines and hack them apart to decide what you want to be in life. This seems like a waste of magazines. Artem doesn’t seem to zazzed about making one of these. Perhaps because he’s self-aware? Crap, she buys a stack of magazines. Brie does a photo shoot. Yeah, this is not meaningful, but it takes like a minute. Brie walks in on Nikki making Artem a vision board. Even Brie recognizes that this is a dumb idea. Commercial.
Brie and Bryan are at a park playing on children’s play equipment. Brie admits that she envies Artem and Nikki’s PDA. They both make excuses for why it isn’t happening. I mean, it was shot with really nice lighting for an outdoor scene, but other than that this didn’t do anything for me. This isn’t a sitcom where a knowledgeable group of people comes up with an interesting plot; this is a couple where the lady talked about aspiring to be a mommy forever, and then two years into motherhood was like, uh, huh, maybe not. Both couples are together with the toddler. Artem entertains the toddler. That lasted for 30 seconds. Then Nikki shows Artem this stupid vision board. Nikki prattles on about this stupid vision board while everyone else in the room looks down at the floor while smiling in shame. I mean basically, 28 minutes into the show is where this segment exists. Otherwise there is probably nothing here.
Brie and Nikki are having a meaningless conversation while shopping in a children’s store. Oh, shit, I’m supposed to care that Brie and Bryan haven’t figured out marriage yet. I don’t. I worked 11 hours a day. This is not the kind of crap I want to watch as “entertainment” when I come home. Why? Because this is not entertaining. Until these two morons go to see a marriage counselor, all of this is meaningless. How many seasons are we into “Total Bellas?” Have either one of these ditzes ever solved a single problem without intervention from a professional or a smarter person? No. So, until they see a marriage counselor, none of this is remotely interesting and I’m not getting these five minutes of my life back. Oh, and it’s still not entertaining. Oh, for f—‘s sake. There’s a friend and she has a store and shameless plug for this bullshit wine, oh, and Nikki has an audition for the show I will never watch with Renee and Booker and somehow it’s a nattering session of Brie is mad because no one asked her to audition. I would like to throw a brick at my TV right now, but only if I could actually hit every person who appears on this show with it. I hate this show. Crap, this is only 39 minutes in. There’s still 21 minutes.
Nikki auditions on the Booker and Renee show. I think we know that this did not go stellar, since, as I seem to recall the third wheel rotates between C.M. Punk and Paige, or other random WWE employee who happens to be in the vicinity when they film. Uh, if this two minutes of TV highlighted anything for me, it’s that Renee Young was awful on commentary because enthusiasm is supposed to be so obviously fake. Moving on. Nikki and Artem eat food, and then discuss the vision board. Artem does not want Nikki to plan his future for him. They really have nothing to talk about on this show.
Brie breaks it to Bryan that she wants him to babysit Birdie while she does stuff. Bryan points out that this will give them no together time. Oh, this is a couple’s argument. Bryan hasn’t changed, Brie has, but it’ll take five minutes to get there. Author’s note: I’m not real invested in this fight, and quite frankly it shouldn’t be broadcast for my “entertainment,” but I do want to point something out about the segment I’m currently watching: Brie Bella is a dipshit, an irresponsible dipshit. I’ve noticed this several dozen times, because they either film at a restaurant or in a car – but between the twins and the Mom – no one ever properly wears a seat belt. Yes, Brie “dipshit” Bella is on my TV as I type this while sitting in the front passenger seat of a moving vehicle without the shoulder strap of the seat belt across her chest. Kids, adults, dogs, cats, whoever: Don’t be stupid like Brie Bella, wear your seat belt correctly every time you are in a moving vehicle. No one should follow the example of Brie Bella, for anything, but definitely regarding seat belts. Seriously, I hate this show.
Brie and Bryan continue with this argument where seat belts aren’t worn correctly in a car. Sadly, the argument isn’t about seat belt safety, because they both get a bug fat F. Brie can’t presently spend time with Bryan, but in five years assumes they’ll have plenty of time together. Yup, she said that dumb thing. Bryan agrees to take Birdie back to Phoenix. Moving on, there was a “blue” carpet for the Smackdown premiere. Both Bellas show up. They chat with Hulk Hogan. They hug random people backstage. You get to see the back of Becky Lynch’s head. The twins watch the show from backstage. Yes, they show footage of the Rock. And then Brie meets up with Bryan backstage. Bryan wonders if their relationship is going to last.
Next week: drunk Nikki gets in trouble with Artem for possibly flirting with another guy. Will they break up? Probably not. She seems to be pregnant with his kid.
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