4/22 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT by Sarah K (Ep. 4): The worst use of your time would be watching this show, but here’s what I thought watching it

TOTAL BELLAS (Season 6, Episode 4)
APRIL 22, 2020
AIRED ON E!

So, this week’s episode is pretending like Brie and Daniel Bryan have relationship issues and the grown adult Bella children have a family squabble. Should you watch this show? No. Read a book. Stare at a wall. Inventory the rocks in your fish bowl. Any of those would be a better use of your time.

The show opens with Nikki and Birdie. Someone needs to brush this kid’s hair. No, she doesn’t really have curly hair and it just looks like shit. I know it’s a toddler, but it’s not impossible to brush a child’s hair. They go to a butterfly garden with a variety of family members. This show would have been a better use of time if it was just 44 minutes of butterflies. Alas, it is not.

So, the first dumb argument is the Mom wants a family photo, but she doesn’t want Artem in it. These people are stupid. They’re just f—ing stupid. So, the reasoning is that John Cena (not mentioned by name) was in Brie and Bryan’s wedding photo – because Brie and Bryan are f—ing stupid. For real, at a wedding most people spend 45 minutes taking wedding photos. Why does it take so long? Because not everyone but the bride and groom are in every photo. Why? Because photos are digital and you can take a gazillion of them… unless you’re a f—ing idiot like Brie Bella and Bryan Danielson. God damn, I had no idea that together they were SO DUMB. Obviously, there’s a simple solution: Get everyone together and take MULTIPLE photos, you know, because it’s 2020, not 1840.

The Creepy Brother is jealous that Nikki spends more time with Birdie than with his daughters. Yes, this is a plot point. Brie and JJ do yoga. JJ is not good at yoga. I will never get this 30 seconds of my life back. “My car was stolen from my gated community, which is upsetting,” says Brie Bella. OMFG. Honestly, the words “gated community” subtracted any ability I had whatsoever to have any sympathy for this plot point. The cops found the car. Brie didn’t want them to find the car. I guess she could just buy another car, you know, because that’s so relatable. Author’s note: If someone stole my car, yes, I have enough money to buy another car – that doesn’t make you a sympathetic character when that’s the angle at which you tell the “someone stole my car” story.

The Mom and Nikki are in some housewares store. The Mom breaks it to Nikki that she doesn’t want Artem in the picture. Eye roll. Again, they could just take multiple photos with different people. The Mom’s solution is to have two photos – one with Artem, one without, but to not tell him about it… because I guess he’s that fragile? “I’m Briana, I’m the owner of the Lexus that you found.” Yeah, she ain’t drivin’ a Honda Fit or a 13 year-old Toyota Corolla. Nope, Brie Bella drives a Lexus. So, they never actually show the whole car. There’s just a lot of trash in it. Looks like a window is broken. No offense, but this is cosmetic stuff that’s easily fixable. According to Brie “they wrecked it.” Oh, and there’s a bullet on a napkin in the front seat. This is apparently supposed to be really shocking. Uh, to those of us who don’t live in gated communities, this doesn’t resonate. Author’s note: I live in a rural area; two farm fields behind my backyard, somebody shoots at the coyotes in the middle of the night – we’re a country of gun nuts, it is what it is.

Brie, Nikki, and the family have a “dress up party” at a bar. I guess they’re dressed up like Downtown Abbey. Surprise surprise, I don’t watch Downtown Abbey. Yeah, I don’t do period pieces that are before 1960. There’s nothing about pre-1960 that fascinates me. So, D-level celebrities on a TV show are having a dress-up party where they will argue about whether or not Nikki spends enough time with ALL her nieces. Artem leads them in a dance. The Mom is still planning to lie to Artem about this family picture. I hate these people.

Brie feels alone in her house in her gated community because Bryan isn’t there. Nikki and Brie have a conversation. None of this is meaningful. I will never get this minute of my life back. Yes, Brie doesn’t feel safe in her gated community. Brie likes have Artem and Nikki stay over. Yes, this is a plot point. Brie and the Mom go to visit JJ and Lauren. Nikki hasn’t shown up on time, because she’s flaky. Nikki and Artem are at a restaurant. Yes, this is petty. Nikki apparently didn’t commit to this filmed dinner. *sigh*

So, this fake fight about nieces spending time with aunts continues. Yes, this is a weak plot.  Nikki thinks it’s about something deeper. I guarantee you, it’s not. Nikki texts JJ. JJ is not impressed. Brie and Bryan are at home in their fenced in backyard. Brie wants to put a security gate in front of the back door. Yeah, a security gate inside a fenced in yard in a gated community. These are not salt of the earth people like you and me. This is not relatable. Basically, Brie is paranoid when Bryan is gone. So, Brie got four more cameras, two security gates, and changed the locks. Okay then.

Onto this family photo. The Mom wants a non-Artem photo first. The twins are late. They get all the way to the sight, and it looks like it’s going to rain. There’s some bickering. Nikki and JJ begin arguing. And it rains. Johnny Ace makes an attempt to break it up. It doesn’t work. Shit, I miss Johnny Ace. This show needs more Ace. Yes, Nikki and JJ yell at each other. Artem finally arrives. Nikki runs to him and says “JJ is being mean to me!” Yes, this is silly. Oh, and the photos turned out bad. A week later Nikki, Artem, and the Mom go to a zoo.

Back from break, they take some pictures with each other. I guess we’re supposed to have the explanation moment. I guess in this family they can’t display photos of exes. You know, I had two sets of grandparents and they both took a ton of family pics. And you know where they kept those pics? In albums. Yes, individual portraits or only married people were framed and on display. It’s not like there weren’t plenty of exes. It just wasn’t a big deal because every member of my family has a plethora of art, needlework, or knick knacks. Decor wasn’t restricted to photos. Anyway, Artem wishes that everyone was just honest and upfront. Yup. Anyhoo, Artem pretends to propose. Yeah, I like him better than John Cena. At least he appears to be human. Yes, that’s how low the bar is set.

Brie has organized a play date for her two adult siblings and all the nieces. JJ and Nikki talk. Nikki insists that there must be more. JJ says no, in a roundabout way. Nikki agrees to make more of an effort to see his kids. The show goes off the air with Vivienne and Birdie wearing bug costumes. Parenting points to JJ and Lauren for brushing their kid’s hair!

Next week: Nikki is on Renee Young & Booker T’s show, Brie and Bryan argue over lifestyles, and Nikki makes a vision board for Artem. Boy, I can’t wait to see how diplomatic he is about that.

CATCH UP… 4/15 TOTAL BELLAS REPORT (Ep. 3): Brie and Nikki visit their dad and his new family, then gush about it to their mom who doesn’t want to hear about it