SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
IMPACT WRESTLING REPORT
SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
LAS VEGAS, NV
AIRED ON TAPE DELAY ON PURSUIT AND TWITCH
REPORT BY JESSIE GALINDO, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR (@MrMessyFace)
Announcers: Josh Matthews, Don Callis
[HOUR ONE]
-Don Callis and Josh Matthews showed up in tuxedos, prepared for Brian Cage and Melissa Santos’ wedding.
(1) THE NORTH (Ethan Page & Josh Alexander) vs. ROB VAN DAM & RHINO (w/ Konnan)
The North came out to LAX’s music while dressed as them and doing their entrance. Ethan Page asked if the crowd was expecting LAX. He said he read the best tag team in the world was coming out and they got what was advertised. Josh Alexander said they were dressed like morons and losers but still were cheered. He said he was embarrassed to be dressed like LAX. He ripped off his LAX shirt and ground it into the mat with his shoe. He said they will be the longest reigning tag team in history. Ethan Page said to stop sending hate mail asking for LAX to come back because it’s never going to happen. He said Konnan doesn’t have enough power to overturn the North. Konnan came out and got into the ring. Alexander asked what its like to be in the ring with the best tag team in the world. Konnan said they looked like jackasses and Page said its only because they were dressed as LAX. Konnan called them bush league and hoes. He said he has some “all-time” friends who want to kick their ass. He said they’re extreme. Rob Van Dam and Rhino came out and they started to brawl. (c)
Back from the break, RVD hit Alexander with a monkey flip and Rolling Thunder. He and Rhino were dominant for a while until RVD got caught up at the ropes by Alexander, leading to Page taking control. They started beating down on RVD and taunting Rhino. RVD finally got a comeback and gave Rhino the hot tag. Rhino started tearing Alexander apart. Rhino kept wooing at the crowd and asking if they wanted a Gore. When Page and RVD spilled out of ring, the referee went to check on them so Alexander grabbed the belt but Konnan tried to stop him, setting him up for a Gore and a 5-Star Frog Splash for the win.
WINNERS: Rob Van Dam and Rhino in about 15 minutes.
(Galindo’s Analysis: RVD looked out of shape and out of breath. Rhino actually looked good and charismatic in comparison. Good action and good match but not worth seeing the North take the loss unless they really want to see the Originals get a title shot.)
-Gama Singh reprimanded the Desi Hit Squad for losing to the Deaners and he said now that Shera is on board, no more losing or they will be replaced.
(2) SHERA (w/Desi Hit Squad) vs. COUSIN JAKE (w/Cody Deaner)
Shera immediately started destroying Jake but Jake wouldn’t go down easy. They looked pretty easily matched but after a distraction from Rohit Raju, Shera took advantage with a big chothesline. Jake eventually got a comeback but history repeated itself when he got distracted and was put down with a Sky High.
WINNER: Shera in under 3 minutes.
After the match, Cody tried to take on Shera but they all started to beat down on him.
(Galindo’s Analysis: Shera looks great in this squash match and I liked that they made it more competitive than last week, protecting Jake over Cody but this feud is becoming stale and the Hit Squad should be moving onto other teams soon.)
(3) MADISON RAYNE vs. TENILLE DASHWOOD
Most of the entrances and early on in the match, they teased more of the on screen hatred between Josh Matthews and Madison Rayne. Madison was boasting that she was the better veteran too much that Tenille had a counter for everything and looked like everything was too easy. Madison took over with a backstabber from the corner. Don was claiming a ton of fictional facts about Madison’s career that Josh thought was absurd. Madison was getting more and more angry each time Tenille would kick out. A fan said something inaudible but Madison said SHUT UP OLD LADY, which caused the crowd to chant OLD LADY. She hit Tenille with a ripcord cutter for a near fall. Tenille came back with a corner splash. Madison hit a Northern Lights Suplex for a near fall. She told Tenille its her company and division, not Tenille’s. Tenille got the neckbreaker and Spotlight for the win.
WINNER: Tenille Dashwood in about 8 minutes.
(Galindo’s Analysis: The match was solid but didn’t pick up any excitement until the finishing sequence and the Old Lady line. It did help promote Tenille Dashwood as a serious contender in the Knockouts Division, though.)
-Ken Shamrock came out to a lukewarm response. He talked about his memories in Impact. He mentioned having the Impact Championship (he means the NWA Championship). He talked about how Moose interjected himself into his conversation with Brian Cage. He said he’s pissed because Moose is being disrespectful. He’s here to shut Moose’s mouth. He said he’s gonna put Moose in the grave. He said that he couldn’t find Moose anywhere. He called him out.
[HOUR TWO]
Moose showed up on the big screen saying he was in Los Angeles telling Shamrock that he does what he wants when he wants. He said he’s not afraid of Shamrock. Moose was in Shamrock’s dojo and got into the Octagon and started beating up a few different fighters. He said he’s the World’s Most Dangerous Man and will prove it at Bound for Glory.
(Galindo’s Analysis: A much better segment to promote their match than last week in Mexico City. Moose definitely knows how to get heat and beating up MMA fighters is one of the ultimate heat attracters in pro wrestling.)
-Taya found Rosemary backstage and offered her a shot at the title in exchange for her getting rid of Tenille Dashwood. Rosemary refused, claiming that Taya is no longer a warrior like her last name would make one think and that she won’t do anything for her until she regains it. Then Taya gave her a sparkly purple dress for the wedding.
-Brian Cage was nervous so Tommy Dreamer and Rich Swann made him feel more comfortable. Rich Swann said he would be with one woman forever but Tommy said that wasn’t true. They introduced Brian’s brother, Ryan Cage. Madison was trying to show the bridesmaids how to walk down the aisle which got Kiera upset since she’s not in the bridal party. Taya stopped them and told them she has a problem with Tenille that they could help with.
(4) DAVE CRIST (w/Jake Crist & Madman Fulton) vs. TESSA BLANCHARD
Dave took it to Tessa quickly but she gained dominance quickly. Madman Fulton tried to attack Tessa but Jake Crist pulled him off to keep Dave from being disqualified. The referee ejected Fulton. Following a distraction from Jake, Dave started viciously beating down on Tessa, trying to humiliate her. Jake choked her out while Dave distracted the ref. Tessa got her comeback. She missed a sunset flip but still rolled him up for a near fall. Dave hit her with a knee to the face for a near fall. Tessa hit the Buzzsaw DDT for the win, qualifying for the 5-Way Ladder Match at Bound For Glory for the X Division Championship.
WINNER: Tessa Blanchard in about 5 minutes.
After the match, Jake and Fulton attacked Tessa and laid her out.
(Galindo’s Analysis: It was very predictable that Tessa would win but they did try to tease that OVE might use their numbers to cause her loss. Good match for Tessa to show up another Crist brother. Feels almost inevitable that she would win the X Division title.)
-The wedding was about to start but Eddie Edwards was not around to walk with Alisha. Madison told her to keep her husband in check. Ace Austin showed up to be his replacement, fully healed since last week.
-The wedding started with the Rascalz trying to hold in smoke and not cough too loud. The Deaners decided to sit with Havok and try to put their arms around her but she made them stop. RVD’s wife was adjusting her assets too much, causing Jordynne Grace to move away. Rosemary scared Fallah Bahh. The wedding party came down. Taya was angry that Rosemary wasn’t wearing the dress she picked out. Bravo made Gail Kim and Johnny Swinger move over so he could sit down. Tommy Dreamer walked Melissa down the aisle. Taya complained about the decorations during the objections. Ethan Page objected that the company is not treating its employees well. He said he’s gonna start a union. He said champions should be paid more than veterans. Eddie Edwards showed up late super drunk. He barfed all over Ryan Cage and hit him by accident, trying to attack Ace Austin. Tommy asked for a new minister. James Mitchell showed up dramatically to officiate the wedding. He slipped Melissa his hotel room key while asking them to give their I Do’s. Melissa said the reception was in the ring. Tommy plugged a commercial break.
(Galindo’s Analysis: Very silly. Ethan Page’s union segment was unexpected to be mentioned on TV. I half expect James Mitchell to have cursed the wedding with something planned for the future. Still fun though.)
Back from the break, the roster surrounded the decorated ring. Brian and Melissa Cage came down to the ring to wedding music. They had their first dance in the middle of the ring. Sami Callihan came out singing messed up lyrics to the wedding march. He looked drunk. He said he was there to party instead of fight. He said he was happy for them but they hurt his feelings by not letting him come to the wedding. He drank the champagne he got them as a gift. He said they used to be friends and he’s sorry that got messed up. He said he wants Cage to get back to training and be a machine again for his match at Bound For Glory. He asked for everyone to toast the bride and groom. He called Brian a bitch. Brian attempted to attack Sami but Sami tried to hit him with the bottle but Cage missed and he hit Melissa by accident. The show ended with Sami leaving apologizing.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Definitely an interesting episode. Glad the wrestling wedding tradition hasn’t died. Definitely got me more interested in the World title match at Bound For Glory.
Find Jessie on Twitter @MrMessyFace and listen to him and his friend, Demetrius Hearte, discuss everything in the week of wrestling every weekend on “The Messed Up Wrestling Podcast” (@MessedUpWrestle).
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