SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS (SEASON 4, EPISODE 6)
FEBRUARY 24, 2019
AIRED ON E!
Well, in the intro for the show, they said “comeback” at least three times, so drink up. We open with the Brie Bella kicking Liv Morgan in the face botch. Just like last week I have a distinct feeling that we don’t hear from Liv because we get to watch Brie cry on the phone to Bryan.
Back at home, Brie and Bryan sit outside. Oh, Brie said “comeback” again – so, take a drink. They somehow turn this into a discussion about internet bullying. Yes, how dare fans have opinions and express them publicly. Oh, poor famous people. Anyway, technically, Brie said “comeback” again. Yeah, I’m not buying right into this Brie Bella – who is on a reality TV show – “isn’t 100 percent loved and respected by people, so she’s being bullied” storyline. Why? I’m not watching the Oscars right now, and I wish there was no season four of this show because this is literally a waste of an hour of my time. But hey, we’re not supposed to say mean things about Brie or whatever, because she’s the greatest or something, right?
Back from commercial, Brie cries some more. In one sentence Nikki has said “comeback” twice, oh, wait – three times! Brie is having a pity party. Holy f—, Nikki just said “comeback” again. Yes, really. Nikki says she’s a role model for women? Yes, she just said that. Why am I watching this show? How did my life lead me here? Because they literally just segued into Nikki going on dates – because this is a reality TV show and all this sh– is fake. Yes, I could be watching Bette Middler sing a song on the Oscars right now, but I’m watching this – and regretting it. I don’t care who Nikki dates.
Waves, beach, rando with a frisbee – and the whole family is gathered at Brie and Bryan’s. Brie is still having a pity party about her botches. By the way, the giant teddy bear from a couple episodes ago is in the room. Whatever that teddy bear is doing is far more interesting than the premise of Nikki going on a date with some quasi famous person who has agreed to be on this show. Seriously, the Oscars are on – with actual famous people. So, it could have been Taye Diggs, but it will end up being Peter from the Bachelor. I have no idea who that is – and I don’t really care.
Brie and the Creepy Brother go to a gym. They plot what they can do to celebrate The Mom’s birthday after the fact. Creepy Brother isn’t very good at this work out. Moon, skyscape, palm trees, and Paige pops by to pimp “Fighting With My Family.” Seriously. If you’ve watched any WWE TV recently. are you tired as f— of seeing promos for this damn movie? Yeah, they play the bit with The Rock again. Miraculously, no one has said “comeback” yet! Oh, dear lord, Paige is also mad that people on the internet for expressing opinions about Brie Bella’s in-ring botches. Son of a bitch, Brie just said “comeback.” By the way, this entire segment with Paige is available on YouTube. Evidently Brie, who was on both Raw and Smackdown, supposedly had to choose between the two, and she chose Raw… you know, back in the fall of 2018, because she completely disappeared after the women’s PPV.
Back from commercial, Brie cries about the botches thing again. Then the segment from YouTube where Brie facetimes Peter and asks what Nikki should wear on this date. If they were 12, this might have been meaningful. They’re adults. This was filling time because this show has no substance. The whole family, sans Nikki, are going to an amusement park for The Mom’s birthday. Brie bitches about the botch thing again. Johnny Ace has to talk her down. Johnny Ace and the giant teddy bear could have had a tea party for 44 minutes and this would have been a better show. Alas, that did not happen. Brie, Johnny, Mom, and Creepy Brother ride a roller coaster. Moving along, Nikki picks out an outfit for this date. Nikki is nervous about going on this arranged date so that this show has material. He shows up with flowers.
Mike Myers and Dana Carvey were just on the Oscars. Okay, if you never saw “Wayne’s World,” then you have no idea what you just missed. Bryan answers the door to greet Peter. Bryan says: “First of all, I just want to say that Peter is hot. As a man, as a straight man – Peter is hot!” Bryan was apparently very impressed with Peter, whose good qualities evidently include being tall and handsome. Nikki just said “comeback” again, so take a drink. She’s explaining traveling for wrestling to Peter while someone drives them in a car. Oh, sh–, they have 13 minutes to have this date. They go on a gondola ride. Nikki pronounces the word like a true American: Gone-Doela. Evidently, she’s proud of mispronouncing words. Get better role models, kids.
Anyhoo, Nikki and Peter are making small talk. Nikki is supposedly a real estate agent. Peter likes wine. They’re both nervous. Yeah, this is not the Oscars. We do get an ad for “Miz and Mrs.,” which will, no doubt, be more interesting than this show.
Back from commercial, they make more small talk in the car on the way to the restaurant. At the restaurant, they make more small talk. They drink wine and walk around and make more small talk. Nikki thinks the wine tastes like leather. The show closes with them making weird faces at each other and then Peter leans in for a kiss. Before they lock lips, the black screen with “to be continued” appears – because this is a TV show, this is all fake, and they really want you to tune into the next episode and Brie wandering around moping about in-ring botches and bitching about being criticized isn’t going to get them ratings.
Next week: Their date concludes, and they go to Australia to perform.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 2/17 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 5): The episode that covers Brie stiff kicking Liv during their match, plus fashion show, body positivity, Comic Con
What makes the brother creepy? Don’t watch the show, but was just curious anyway. Great review!