1/13 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (Ep. 1): Nikki Bella’s sadness over Cena break-up is not contagious, Brie and Bryan wash their dog and contemplate a second baby

TOTAL BELLAS (SEASON 4, EPISODE 1)
JANUARY 13, 2019
AIRED ON E!

So, in the first minute of the show they basically show random footage that we will be watching in much longer, and excruciatingly slower form in the weeks to come. Nikki is in Tampa at what I assume is her mom’s house. The backsplash in the kitchen is very distracting in that it looks terrifying and like something that belongs in a horror movie. Anyhoo, Nikki is crying about packing up her stuff from John Cena’s Tampa mansion. Switch to Brie and Bryan washing their dogs and discussing the possibility of having a second child. Nikki cries some more about this break up. I have bronchitis, and this stuff that happened 6-8 months ago where a vapid rich person is crying about breaking up with a weird rich psychopath? Yeah, the sadness is not contagious.

Brian has purchased Brie a fertility tea. I have no words for this that don’t revolve around the concept of stupidity or snake oil. They make jokes about sex. Then the Bellas train at a gym somewhere. Nikki then introduces the concept of moving to LA. Cue the concept that Brie and Bryan moved to San Diego to be there with and for Nikki. Evidently not telling her personal trainer is somehow a big deal. Now, for a moment, imagine having the money to literally move out a city because it reminds you of your ex. Yeah, these people are not most people, and these people do not represent the universal experience. Teenage girls, please understand this – what’s happening on this show? That’s never going to be a realistic option for most of you.

Nikki and Brie are at a restaurant. They pimp their wine and Nikki announces that she put in an offer on a place in L.A. Then they argue about what are basically rich people problems. Nikki leaves Brie alone at the restaurant, because maturity is apparently still an issue. Nikki gets the house. And then hangs out with some blonde girl. So, the Mom, the Twins, and Random Blonde Girl are at a restaurant and they’re tense and use the word bitch a lot. Ha ha, I guess? Yeah, this fourth season didn’t need to happen. Watching two sisters bicker about living in San Diego or L.A. is not compelling television. Commercial.

Back to this restaurant – the Mom tries to resolve things and doesn’t really. The twins continue to bicker. It’s probably because Nikki has never apologized to Brie. Lucky us, Johnny Ace interrupts this. There’s going to be a woman’s PPV. Yeah, remember that? It was in October or November of 2018, because that’s how memorable it was after like three months. Now, cue the part where we talk about how hard the Bella Twins worked to get to this moment. Oh, right, this is the Ronda Rousey angle. Moving along, Lauren – the lifestyle blogger sister-in-law – is having a second baby shower, so, she makes a brief cameo, as does Creepy Brother.

So, the baby shower is on. Apparently the baby’s name is Alice. So, the twins get more alcohol and maybe, just maybe, Nikki is about to apolo​gize to Brie. Oh, miracles do happen, I guess. Next up Brie tells Bryan about going back to WWE. Bryan doesn’t appear to be super e​xcited about this. To be fair I wasn’t super exc​ited​ about it either. Bryan suggests calling Brie’s new finisher the “sterilizer” or “the castration.” Yes, that’s what passes for jokes on this show. Brie explains who The Jetsons are. You know what I really want? Jokes? No. I want the Bella twins to stop f—ing saying that every time they pop back into a storyline that it’s a COMEBACK. It’s not. It’s just a brief angle and, unfortunately for the fans, it will happen 1-4 times every year. Anyway, Brie bitches about having saggy boobs. Yeah, 50 minutes into the show for that.

The Twins are getting their makeup done for a photo shoot for the first ever Women’s PPV (in WWE… because I’m pretty sure Shimmer has probably had a PPV? Yup, turns out they were doing this well before WWE did it). Anyway, they’re at Summerslam. Nikki apparently doesn’t like to be asked about her break-up with he-who-is-not-mentioned-by-name. The phrase “comeback” is said five more times. Footage of the Twins backstage is shown as if they’re real fighting badasses.

Coming up:Wwill Brie get implants? The Twins have an angle with Ronda. And the Mom sets Nikki up on a date with a rando at a bar. Read a book, little girls, preferably one about science, literature, anthropology, or tech.

NOW CHECK OUT THE PREVIOUS EPISODE: 7/29 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (season finale): John Cena and Nikki Bella break up and call off engagement, Bryan returns to the ring