10/10 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Paige goes on a date, Nattie has a BBQ, and Brie cannot breastfeed her kid forever – hooray!

TOTAL DIVAS – EPISODE 4
OCTOBER 10, 2018
AIRED ON E!
BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

This show opens with a lot of random footage before we’re introduced to the plot that Natalya is throwing a BBQ. Evidently there is some question as to whether or not Nattie is a good party hostess. Someone needs to script better reality TV storylines for Nattie. Moral of the story: T.J. needs to learn how to compliment his wife. Yes, T.J.’s sarcasm is a weird marriage dynamic – not necessarily in real life (although, spoiler alert, every guy that does that to their wife is regarded as a jackass by their wife) – but definitely not terribly thoughtful for reality TV.

Oh drat, we’re on to a Bellas segment. And it’s dated, because Brie is talking about pumping for breastfeeding. If you consult the internet or your mom, either one will probably tell you that you can stop breastfeeding after six months. It generally correlates to when your baby develops teeth, something that generally begins happening within 4-7 months after birth, at which point you can start to feed your infant some baby food – which is basically certain foods in pureed form.

It’s been my experience that people that make too big of a deal out of breastfeeding tend to breastfeed for way too god damned long and usually have nothing of merit going on in their lives. I doubt Brie Bella is going to be anything but insufferable about breastfeeding FOR WAY TOO LONG based on the sniffles she has over it in her cutaway segments. Basically, every time she appears on screen – I have to stop myself from throwing rotten fruit at the television. The third story of this episode is Nia Jax hooking up Paige with her brother. Paige’s previous previous boyfriend is remembered – Kevin, not Alberto. Paige does not seem excited about the premise of dating Nia’s brother.

Nattie is getting the guest room at her house ready for Lana. I guess they’re friends now? Nattie has prepared a gift basket with alcohol. Yes, she’s really going forward with this hostess storyline. Evidently Lana and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart have chemistry as friends. Anyway, Nattie needs her mom and dad and Lana to go buy some meat. I can only imagine how hilarious the production meetings for scheduling the filming of this show are…

Moving along – yes, it’s the Bellas. I know, I’d rather watch the Anvil buy meat. Bryan is picking up dog crap in his yard while he and Brie discuss the importance of “breast milk” being “important” for brain development. Imagine how weird it is to inhabit earth in 2018 with a bunch of pretentious “celebrities” discussing the pop culture “scientific” idea that smart people were all breast fed, as if the inability to produce breast milk hasn’t been a problem that has haunted some women for all of the history of human kind… okay, that was just me.

As an aside, I asked my mom about what she did when she stopped producing breast milk, without batting an eyelash, the answer was: bought formula. She’s distinctly sure that she didn’t cry over it. Also, I was reminded that I had developed teeth like a normal baby and bit her nipples, so, the transition to formula was not a misty-eyed situation… anyway, we’re expected to care about Brie pumping breast milk. Ugh. Oh my god, Bryan really thinks that breast milk is an absolute necessity, even though Brie actually mentions the most infants stop after six months thing. Yes, I find him progressively less charming the more I know about him. So, it turns out that Paige is with some guy named Kalan Blehm… so, this part where Nia hooks her up with her brother is going to be super awkward, yay!

Back to Nattie’s BBQ…

CHECK OUT OUR RATINGS REPORT ON TOTAL DIVAS SO FAR THIS SEASON: Total Divas Rating: Viewership tumbles during first three weeks of series starring Bellas, Lana, Paige, Natalya, Naomi, Rousey

…She’s at home chopping veggies while Jim, Ellie, and Lana are in the car en route to buy meat. Nattie’s mom tells a charming story about being at a gas station filling up her car, and a fan ran over to her to tell her “I love the Anvil!”

Thirty minutes into the show, Titus O’Neill shows up with his sons and declares that he brought all the BBQ with him. Lana urges Nattie’s parents to buy way too much meat. Small comedy spot: They cannot find their car in the parking lot. Lana is taking Jim and Ellie to a bar. So, back to Paige, Nia’s brother Ben makes a futile attempt to charm Paige. He’s a decent guy, and Paige is doing everything in her power to be repulsive. And then I remember why I always hated Paige on Total Divas. Yeah, that lasted like a minute.

Back to the BBQ storyline, one half of our ensemble is at a bar. The other half is making salad in Nattie’s kitchen. “How you gonna cut up the salad with the stickers still on the tomatoes?” Titus wonders. To be fair, Nattie just mixed the salad in a bowl with plastic bags on her hands, because I guess she doesn’t have salad forks? Meanwhile, at the bar, Lana and Nattie’s parents toast to Nattie, who then calls to see where the hell they are. Nattie is going to go pick up Lana and her folks since they’re drunk at the bar. Yes, this is day drinking.

So, Nattie picks up her parents at the bar, while Lana stands on a chair, waving her arms and shouting “Nattie” repeatedly. Ellie evidently doesn’t drink, so, we get to see Nattie’s mom drunk. Ugh. It’s a Bella segment and it involves a breastfeeding awareness group. There is a woman who introduces herself as a lactation consultant. I swear to god, if I owned a gun I would have to stop myself from shooting my television right now. So, basically, 40 minutes into the show is when you should just fast forward.

Oh, FFS, cue obnoxious Brie breastfeeding Birdie shots. Weening is discussed. I guess if Momma Bella didn’t kind of suck, then we wouldn’t be treated to this segment? Yes, I cannot unwatch this crap. Now, back to this BBQ and Nattie’s drunk mom. Evidently Nattie cannot figure out how to operate the barbecue grill and neither can anyone else, so, the night is ruined… because I guess they don’t own pots and pans and an oven – in which all of those food items can conventionally be prepared. Or they could just send someone to a party store and get propane for the grill. Yes, those are two ordinary people options.

Back from commercial, Nattie cries. Fortunately, Titus brought food, so, problem solved. “Thank god for Titus,” yes, the moral of the story is that Titus has his shit together and saved the BBQ. Well, the other moral of the story is that Nattie can’t cook, and evidently T.J. didn’t even attempt to help. Now, back to Nia, Ben, Paige, Nattie, and Kayla the ring announcer from NXT plot time. Poor Ben, he’s being such a good sport about this. Nia really wants Paige and Ben to be a couple. Paige and Ben should just tell Nia the truth. Imagine how simple that would be. Nia is apparently the only one who can’t see that they have no chemistry. Ben tries to let his sister down gently. Paige walks out on the lunch when Nia tries to get Paige to split a dessert with her brother.

After their awkward lunch, Nattie and Nia go visit Paige and learn about Kalan, Paige’s secret boyfriend. Nia really wishes that Paige had just told her about the boyfriend, and she probably would have avoided the whole setting her friend up with her brother thing. F—, it’s time for another Bella segment. Brie isn’t going to breastfeed any more. Brie cries about breastfeeding. Yes, really. Oh, FFS, Bryan has a soliloquy about being cool with Brie not breastfeeding.

Next week: The girls destroy a car and Lana dyes her hair… and then my recording cut off, ha ha.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 10/3 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: It’s worth the hour of time you’re never getting back just for the Rusev moments