SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL BELLAS (episode six)
JULY 8, 2018
AIRED ON E! NETWORK
The show opens with recap footage about the wedding. Evidently Brie Bella will buy a painting and Nikki will rush through wedding planning. They show John Cena playing the piano… about as well as Elias intentionally plays the guitar out of tune on WWE TV. For whatever reason, Mom, Lauren, and Creepy Brother are at Nikki’s trying to do a tongue twister.
Moving right along, the twins are doing a workout while getting ready for a trip to Paris. No segue, onto Brie and Bryan’s house where they discuss this wedding more. At the onset: Nikki has ten bridesmaids. Brie, Nikki, the Mom, Lauren, and the creepy brother J.J. go to a curio store. Brie is using her guest house for the Birdee Bee offices since Nikki isn’t living there. She buys an old fashioned desk phone. No segue, Brie and Nikki are in Napa planning the wedding. John is too busy to plan the wedding… and they’re not having it in Boston, so, you know, his mom can’t plan it in his absence. They don’t say that, but FFS, the man that thought about the convenience of his own mommy, daddy, and siblings over what his fiance really wanted – would have let his mommy plan the wedding since it would have been on her turf. Anyway, after ten minutes: Commercial. May the next segment be less choppy…
47 + 50 = 84, according to Brie. Evidently, she’s measuring walls for art work, by which she means a painting. I sigh, because apparently now Brie is an artist because she painted some stuff as a teenager. The thing she bought to put paper clips in cost $450. Something is mispronounced. Yeah, I just woke up from a nap, and jumping around ten times in a segment has totally lost its charm. Moving along, no segue, Nikki and Brie are doing more wedding planning; this time Nikki is trying on dresses. I am moderately amused that she picked out a dress with sleeves. Yeah, there’s been an asinine trend in wedding dresses for the last 20 years that they should be sleeveless, which looks fine on skinny women, and the rest of us are like: Yeah, I’m not a body builder, get me some damned sleeves. Seriously, they don’t make sleeveless suits for men; I have no idea why women are expected to put on a gun show on their special day. So, that lasted like a minute.
Moving on, ha ha, Brie and Nikki are in some dark place discussing whether or not she should have bridesmaids. For whatever reason, Nikki had a fantasy about wedding planning with John, and that they’d have so much fun. LOL, I’ve never fantasy wedding planned with my boyfriend involved. He’s just going to half-pay for everything, I don’t need his opinion. Anyway, the Aces and Creepy Brother (I know it would take less time to type J.J., I do not care) are in a car, Mrs. Ace is not enthused with Johnny’s driving. Not sure where that was going.
No segue, the wedding planner is talking about designing invitations without showing what the invitation would look like. I’ve done graphic design. I have no idea why anyone would do that. It takes minimal time to change background color and fonts on a computer. Anyhoo, this was a segment on YouTube, where Nikki announces that she and John are just going to read standard wedding vows. Ha ha, psychopath can’t write a paragraph about marriage and the future. SMH. Seriously though, she thinks John is really missing out on wedding planning.
Back from commercial, Brie, Lauren, and Creepy Brother are in the car discussing whether or not Bryan can make a comeback. They’re en route to an art gallery where artist Iris Scott finger paints. They’re offered drinks. Brie discusses commissions with the gallery lady. I know that Brie knows what Etsy is. It doesn’t surprise me that she’s not bright enough to find someone who paints on Etsy and pay much less for artwork of the same size, color palette, and style. Going to a gallery to buy art – a large chunk of your commission is paid to the gallery, not the artist. Moving along, the Aces, Bryan, and Creepy Brother are going to go for a drive, because the Mom is a backseat driver and they want to teach Mom a lesson about being a backseat driver. So, they’ve put a driver’s ed car brake in a car. Evidently, the Mom has anxiety about riding in a car. After the experience the Mom and Bryan discuss anxiety. Bryan says he has a fear of heights, despite the number of ladder matches he’s done. Not sure how that’s a plan to help her anxiety.
No segue, the Danielson’s are in their California house where Bryan says he got a fraud alert for $10K. It was the deposit that Brie put down on the painting. And commercial. Yeah, they did all that build about the down payment to throw a commercial in the middle of it.
Brie admits the painting would be $30K. Bryan thinks that Brie should make her own painting. Bryan tries to get out of the situation, which almost went smoothly until he mentioned that Nikki buys art and then said, “It inspires Brie to do stupid things, like buy $30K worth of art.” Okay, jackass. Anyway, Bryan and the Mom are going to do an anti-anxiety thing by trying a sky diving simulation. Kathy was nervous at first, but in the end it was fun. I think that was like our one fun moment on the show, so, remember it was 42 minutes in.
No segue, Brie says “Josie” to the dog like 55 times in the span on a minute as she and Nikki stand outside somewhere. The moral of the story is that wedding planning is hard and permanent? Yeah, this show is hard to watch. I could have done with like five minutes of “it’s hard for Nikki to plan a wedding” and would have preferred 39 minutes of Brie and Bryan either making a god damned painting or sitting in front of a computer and finding a nice painting that will, in fact fill a wall, but will not cost as much as a compact car loaded with features. Also, regarding the statement that John Cena’s Florida mansion is filled with fantastic artwork – that Brie keeps making – oh, f— no. John Cena has a bunch of generic ass photos and some of the most milquetoast paintings I have ever seen.
Back from commercial, Brie and Nikki are still outside talking about wedding planning. Nikki is sad because it’s hard. So, Captain Philips, Brie is the Captain now. Yeah, she’s taking over the wedding like a Somali pirate. No, they didn’t really say that. Yes, it would have been funnier if they did. Anyway, the clip from YouTube where Nikki invites people to dinner to dis-invite them from being bridesmaids. Since I’ve already seen this footage, I’m amused to watch this clip and think about how much time these ladies put into getting ready to be filmed for this TV show. Yeah, everyone is quite made up, like the way that a ten-year-old thinks you should get dressed up for dinner if you’re like Gem and the Holograms, not the way you put on presentable clothes and show up at an Olive Garden. And commercial. Yeah, only four minutes to go.
Nikki announces that she will have no bridesmaids. The two friends point out that it’s okay not to have ten bridesmaids, but maybe not ditch them all just to not hurt anyone’s feelings. Yes, the other women are smart. So, the show closes with Nikki doing a toast, to finding her voice and having a fun time in Paris.
The next two shows are apparently footage of Nikki and her girlfriends in Paris having a bachelorette party – where Nikki will be sad.
NOW CHECK OUT THE PREVIOUS REPORT: 6/24 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: Hate-watching John Cena-Nikki Bella wedding talk while wishing for 40 minutes of goat yoga instead
SO SICK OF THIS SHOW THE BELLA SISTERS OR FUCKIN CRAZY!!!!!!!! They are doing the show for ratings!!!!!!!!! SHE IS NEVER GOING TO MARRY JOHN CENA IT IS ALL TO GET PEOPLE TO WATCH STUPID PEOPLE!!!!!!