SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Wake the pets & call the neighbors, it’s time for our exclusive WWE Network pseudo-pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul “NXT Fanservice” Levesque, Runjin Singh, Ed Koskey and wacky WWE President For Life Vincent Kennedy Trump McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year’s supply of Dupont Lucite paint, now available in over one thousand fashionable colors for long-lasting beauty inside or outside your home. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by Chez Antoine, 19th century craftsmanship for the 21st century man. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, and yes, he’d banish Shane & Stephanie from television until further notice.
I’m very late with this column. But on the bright side, we now have enough cloth diapers for a small army of infants, so I’d say it’s worth it in the long run.
Before we preview tonight’s show, let’s get to this month’s edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place.
Twenty years ago, on November 11th, 1997, the World Wrestling Federation taped the November 22nd episode of “Shotgun Saturday Night” in Cornwall, Ontario. That show had a main event of Flash Funk taking on D’Lo Brown. For some reason, you won’t find this one on WWE Network. Jim Ross and Jim Cornette had the call.
What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I’m glad you asked! On November 18, 2002, the World Wrestling Federation taped the November 24th episode of WWE Sunday Night Heat in Manchester, New Hampshire. Your opening match featured two PWTorch favorites, as Hurricane Helms tangled with Justin Credible. Jonathan Coachman & Amy “Lita” Dumas had the call.
Did you catch this week’s episode of WWE’s “205 Live”? No? Don’t worry, we have you covered. Here’s the last few minutes of thematch between Kalisto and Drew Gulak. Vic Joseph & Nigel McGuinness have the call.
Michael Cole, Tom Phillips, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Vic Joseph and Booker T. Huffman will be announcing the show, with several other announcers on standby. Renee Young, Slammin’ Sam Roberts and some guy not accused of hitting his wife will be doing the preshow, with Charly Caruso chilling in the Social Media Lounge. On with the program!
Enzo Amore vs. “Birthday Boy” Kalisto (WWE Cruiserweight Title): It looks like WWE has finally accomplished its goal of booking Enzo Amore into the ground, so I suppose that’s a success. Doe this mean the title’s going back to Kalisto? Probably not. Projection? The champ retains with Eat Defeat off a distraction from Drew Gulak. Hopefully the rumors are true, and we see King Neville come back tomorrow night on Raw.
Mike Mizanin (w/ Maryse & The Miztourage) vs. Baron Corbin (Red Champion vs. Blue Champion): Who is more of a heel, Baron Corbin or The Miz? Because, when you get down to it, this actual match doesn’t matter. Projection? Miz with the Skull Crushing Finale, and the crowd cheers for the Intercontinental Champion like Justin Verlander just hit the ring.
Alicia Fox, Asuka Urai, Bayley Martinez, Nia Jax & Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch, Carmella Van Dale, Naomi Uso, Natalya Neidhart-Kidd & Tamina Snuka (Raw vs. Smackdown Elimination Match): This looks like a hot mess waiting to happen. Projection? Becky submits Foxy. Nia pins Tamina, Carmella pins Bayley. Sasha pins Becky. Natalya pins Nia with her feet on the ropes. Sasha pins Naomi, Natalya pins Sasha. Asuka defeats Carmella & Natalya to become sole survivor. Raw is up 2-0.
The Shield vs. The New Day (Red vs. Blue Six Man Tag): These six guys should have a great match. They will, if they’re given enough time. Projection? I was going to do a complicated finish, then I realized Owens and Zayn hadn’t made an appearance. Their distraction enables Ambrose to finish Xavier Woods with Dirty Deeds.
The Bar (Sheamus & Cesaro) vs. Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso (Red Champions vs. Blue Champions): The Bar is a fantastic tag team, but it’s been a while since we’ve seen them enter the Penitentiary of Uce. Projection? Sheamus & Cesaro have a rare miscommunication, and the brothers win with a double superkick on Cesaro. Score one for the blue.
Alexa Bliss vs. Charlotte Flair (Red Champion vs. Blue Champion): Alexa Bliss has emerged as the top women’s wrestler in WWE, or at least the biggest female star. But we’re not going to sell a lot of buys to see Bliss fight Ronda Rousey in New Orleans. Projection? Alexa pulls out all the stops, but Charlotte wins with the 30 for 30…I mean, the Natural Selection.
Kurt Angle, Triple H, Braun Strowman, Samoa Joe & Finn Balor vs. Shane McMahon, Bobby Roode, John Cena, Randy Orton & Shinsuke Nakamura (Raw vs. Smackdown Elimination Match): I’m guessing all the soap opera stuff happens here. Projection? Strowman pins Roode. Nakamura pins Balor. Kurt Angle submits Shane with the anklelock. Samoa Joe pins Nakamura. Orton catches Samoa Joe with an RKO out of nowhere. Kane comes out and Strowman gets counted out fighting with Kane. It’s two on two.
That’s when Kurt Angle hits Triple H with the Angle Slam and turns on him. Cena follows up with an Attitude Adjustment on Hunter. It’s two on one. Angle tries to fight off Cena and Orton by himself, eats a soccer kick from Randy, and aloha means goodbye. Cena and Orton are your sole survivors.
Brock Lesnar vs. AJ Styles (Red Champion vs. Blue Champion): It’s the match you never knew you were waiting for. I’d tell them to go long, but they shouldn’t be able to survive each other’s offense for twenty minutes. Projection? Jinder Mahal and The Pips interfere against Styles, giving Lesnar the victory. Brock and AJ join forces and clean house to end the show.
Aftermath: Styles vs. Jinder at Starrcade, and then again at Clash of Champions. On Raw, Angle points out that Raw technically beat Smackdown four matches to three. We set up a big match for Christmas in Chicago. Kurt Angle vs. Triple H in a steel cage. Angle’s job against Triple H being forced to apologize to Angle & Jason Jordan.
I wonder how that will end.
***
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He’d take the Philadelphia Eagles to beat the Dallas Cowboys in tonight’s big football game. You know, if gambling were legal.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.