SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
Torch Columnist Pat McNeill is warming up for “Wrestling Night In America” by watching three and a half hours of WWE Tables Ladders & Chairs. Welcome aboard.
Sasha Banks vs. Alicia Fox on the Kickoff Show. Booker T tells us Alicia has been in WWE for a “loooong time”, which I’m sure Foxy appreciates.
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but WrestleMania 34 will be in New Orleans, because “WWE City” from the Scooby Doo movie is being renovated.
Corey Graves compares Alicia Fox to a feral cat. Booker compares her to Dewey Robinson. Either way, not seeing the resemblance.
Sasha traps Alicia in the Bank Statement. Fox struggles to escape. I think she tried doing the breaststroke at one point. Sasha makes her tap.
David Otunga informs us no one has been stricken with the Bray Wyatt flu in the past 24 hours. Renee Young points out that everyone wants to be a pro wrestling writer these days.
Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins are on with Renee. They say they haven’t talked strategy with Angle because Kurt likes to call it in the ring.
Let’s face, this main event has the sort of storyline that wouldn’t make the cut for WWE2K18 career mode.
“Every story has a beginning, a middle and a end…” Okay, for a minute there I thought they were going to announce Roman’s death.
As we open tonight’s show, the best female wrestler in the world is about to be downgraded from NXT to Raw. It’s Asuka vs. Emma.
This is a good way to start the show. The crowd is still up, and Asuka gets the superstar pop.
“Asuka is fun to watch!” Michael Cole is woke.
It’s a quarter past the hour, meaning Emma officially has gotten too much offense in.
Asuka eventually wins with the Asuka Lock. Two matches, two women winning with submission holds. I like this.
And now, Elias Samson is out to perform his new single “The Locker Room Mumps Blues”.
Jason Jordan throws celery at Elias. Dude, if you want the guy to mix you a Bloody Mary, there are nicer ways to ask.
Vic Joseph and Nigel McGuinness are out to call the cruiserweight match between the handsome athletic men and the droogs.
Alexander & Swann vs. Kendrick & Gallagher. Brian Kendrick’s tights come with their own lava lamp. This one was all action, ending with Cedric hitting the lumbar check on Kendrick for the win.
Am I imagining things, or did that cruiserweight match get over? It’s the Enzo Effect!
Mickie James didn’t think Alexa Bliss would repeat those insults to her face. Mickie doesn’t know Alexa.
It’s Biscuit Butt versus Grandma for the WWE Women’s Title. Let’s get it on!
We’re trying out some wrestling moves tonight. Alexa busts out a Code Bliss. Because if Cena can do it, why not the champ?
James argues with the ref, giving Alexa the advantage to hit the Wicked Witch DDT for the victory.
Mickie James gives us a great non-retirement speech.
Survivor Series is the only night of the year where it’s Raw vs. Smackdown. Except for tonight. It’s the only OTHER night.
Dean & Seth give Angle his own flak jacket. I’ll bet it would look great with a tiny cowboy hat.
Elias can’t get heel heat by singing, so he starts giving out “Walking Dead” spoilers. That’ll do it.
I’m not saying my fantasy football team is having a bad week. I will say that we’re rooting for Atlanta to kick seven field goals.
From the video package, it sounds like Neville put his hands on Enzo Amore and got fired. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Enzo Amore has lost his voice. He spends another 700 words telling us he’s lost his voice.
Jimmy Valiant just got a look at Enzo’s ring gear and thinks Amore needs to dial it back a notch.
Enzo wins off a poke to the eye, and the crowd cheers like the Vikings just beat the Packers (again).
There are only two matches left on #WWETLC, so I’m curious how WWE will find a way to run long. Wait, I forgot to allot time for Balor’s ring entrance.
AJ Styles is out first. My well-placed sources are informing me that they don’t want none.
AJ Styles vs. Finn Balor. We are expecting a lengthy match between two great wrestlers. I don’t have a lot of jokes for that.
Michael Cole tells us Styles and Balor both wrestled in Japan. Really? I’ll have to look into that.
It was nice of Balor to paint targets on his chest for AJ to chop.
Finn wins with the coupe de grace. Can we do this match again at WrestleMania? Please?
Time for the bridge match. Jason Jordan vs. Elias Samson. No reaction. You’d think this was an LA Chargers home crowd.
Interesting finish. Jordan gets a flash pin. Elias has his shoulder up, but the referee is out of position and can’t see it. This may be discussed tomorrow.
Time for the main event. The announcers are nice enough to point the ridiculousness of the 5-on-3 match.
Look at the size of Kurt Angle. The message here is that Ambrose & Rollins brought their big brother! Now Miz’s team is in big trouble.
The good guys win the opening portions of the match, with Ambrose & Rollins getting Kane and Strowman on tables, then jumping off ladders to put them through the tables. Rollins comes up selling his knee.
The heels work over Angle, mostly with chairs to the midsection. Solid choice.
Angle does rolling german suplexes. And with the flak jacket, his back is more protected than normal. Kurt gets Kane in the anklelock. Braun makes the save. Strowman powerslams Angle through a table and the indy wrestler EMT’s are out to check on Kurt.
Rollins and Ambrose take their beating. The heels herd the tag champs back into the ring for Kane to destroy.
Booker T is in the unenviable position of talking sense at the WWE commentary table. Waiting for Kevin Dunn to cut off his microphone. Finally, Booker gives up and goes back to the narrative of Angle not wrestling for 11 years. What the…? Does TNA give guys roofies on the way out?
Kane accidentally hits Strowman with a chair. The heels recover. They bounce Ambrose off a table. Then Miz backs a trash truck up to the stage. This can’t be good.
Yes, Ambrose & Rollins jump off the trash truck and wipe out Team Miz. They fight some more, Itchy and Scratchy style, to the stage, where Kane chokeslams Bruan Strowman through the stage. Strowman tries to crawl his way back up to the stage, and then Kane drops a stack of chairs onto Braun. Okay then.
It’s two on four. Until Kane chokeslams Seth and Dean through tables at the same time. Then it’s four on none.
Braun Strowman emerges from under the pile of props. Now it’s four versus none vs. Strowman.
I’m not sure, folks, but I think Braun Strowman just joined the Shield. So Miz’s team throws Strowman in the back of the trash truck, and they have the driver shut the bin door and drive off. Okay then.
The bad guys pull Seth and Dean back to the ring before Kurt Angle wobbles out to make the save. Cesaro takes an Angle Slam on the back of his neck through a table. Oh dear God.
Miz hits his finisher. Angle kicks out. Yes, we ARE going to run long tonight. I knew I could count on WWE.
Triple powerbomb and Kurt Angle pins Miz. So Kurt is the number one contender for the WWE Intercontinental Title. I expect follow-up tomorrow on Raw.
That’s it. See you on “Wrestling Night In America” over on PWTorchLivecast.com. (515) 605-9345. Greg Parks and I are standing by. Good night!
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