10/11 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW: DNA tests to find out if Daniel Bryan is a Viking, Instagram follower pride, dolls, empowerment, Cena mumbles

TOTAL BELLAS, SEASON TWO – EPISODE 6
OCTOBER 11, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

So, tonight, the dolls, Mom, and J.J. have a bet, and will Nikki retire? We start with Brie, Bryan, JJ, and baby Vivienne in Birdie’s nursery. Brie and Bryan argue over Birdie’s middle name. It’s gonna be “Joe,” which, ugh. “Jo” would actually be feminine, but that’s too much to hope for, and yeah, as a woman who’s read a gazillion baby books, I hate the name Birdie, so, really, I’m not surprised that these two hipster bumpkins chose it. Anyhow, we’re arguing over family lineages to base the name origin on, hence the DNA test that will happen at some point in this episode. Bryan is apparently under the impression that his ancestors are Vikings. Those DNA results should be fun.

The Bellas go to Mattel headquarters to see these dolls. Nikki refers to these dolls as “kick-ass empowering inspiring.” Uhm, yeah. How do I put this: I was a girl child in the ’80s — I had ALL the dolls. No, really. Cabbage Patch Kids, Barbies, the original Strawberry Shortcake, Herself the Elf, She-ra, and a She-ra like doll series called Golden Girls – who were warrior princesses based on gemstones and came with actual metal shields and plastic swords (and my Dad knows about stepping on one of those).

I played with dolls, a lot, not sure how that was supposed to be empowering, and, yes, I had select WWF action figures — and I played with actual dolls more. Anyway, unless I was being empowered to learn how to sew in order to make Ken a pair of pants that he could wear and also SIT (yes, it was an issue) — not sure how playing with dolls is “empowering.” So, really, what I’m saying is that the Bella twins use that word all the time and appear to have no idea what the hell it actually means. It’s just an empty a buzz-word when they say it as is “Fearless” Nikki, which I still assume was a marketing word pulled out of a hat. But I digress, the Bellas will tell us all about how glorious their careers were, as if it wasn’t filler between segments involving the Shield or John Cena when it actually occurred…

Everyone is gathered together to swab their inner cheeks for DNA tests. Bryan is convinced that he’s a Viking. Brie is convinced that she’s Mexican-Italian, in front of her blonde-haired blue-eyed mother. Moving on, the Bella family is gathered at a restaurant. We get to learn about Lauren and her “What Lola Likes” blog. It’s a fashion blog, as an anyone with an Etsy account knows: Those people who convo you asking you to send them free stuff that their 2-15 blog followers will see. They expect you to ship it for free too, and they’re never giving you your sh– back even if they claim they will… but anyway, this is about what Lauren thinks is trendy and somehow I doubt she has a marketing or fashion design degree, so, you know, she’s a regular girl or whatever… So, Lauren and JJ take pics for their respective Instagrams. This is the genesis of a bet over Instagram followers. Meanwhile, John and Nikki are talking about rearranging the furniture in the kitchen of their L.A. apartment – either that or remodeling. John Cena mumbles, and life is too short to rewind for Mumbles.  Anyway, John and Nikki are talking about her schedule, and whether or not she should retire. Cut to commercial.

The family is gathered yet again at a restaurant. I’m gonna say about 20 minutes into the show: Johnny Ace comedy spot Instagram selfie. They’re talking about Instagram likes and followers and who has more. So, the bet is that JJ has to triple his Instagram followers in a week and he gets $1,000. I wonder if any of these people are aware of the multitude of sites that will gladly sell you IG followers? Yeah, that’s a thing. Random desert shots, and the Bellas, Bryan, JJ, and Lauren are at a pool. At this point Nikki Bella admits that even she can’t get 30,000 new followers in a week, and like she’s famous and shows her tits and ass to anyone and everyone. I’m amazed the word “empowering” wasn’t used (incorrectly) in her description. So, they’re spit-balling ideas. JJ’s idea is that he mocks Nikki’s instagram. JJ takes a picture of his ass, Bryan looks sad. Moving on to the DNA results. To sum it up: Brie is way more generic Caucasian person than she is Hispanic. Lauren is Welsh-Italian, Johnny Ace is Lithuanian-Polish, Bryan is 98 percent Scandinavian. Anyway, we have to learn that Hanukkah is eight nights, not nine. Commercial.

Since Brie was whatever percent Ashkenazi Jew, she bought Challah bread. For those of us who may be Jewish, food might not be how you really want to get in touch with your inner Jew. Try like clothes or something. So, they braid the Challah bread. Brie is convinced it’s going to taste amazing. They don’t show either of them eating the bread. Anyhoo, Bryan takes JJ to get waxed for Instagram. This seems like gluttony. Shaving would be easier — I’m pretty sure is a thought that most people had. The entire last half of the last episode should have just been JJ getting waxed. It would have made us all feel better after the “pranking.”

Anyway, since Native American supposedly came up on Brie’s DNA test – completely detatched from how vaguely that term is applied as per DNA tests – the Danielsons are visiting a museum about Native Americans. Yeah, this feels kinda racist in an oblivious way. So, we get like two minutes in the museum. Bryan thinks they should focus on the Viking stuff, too. Cut to Smackdown. It’s one of the ones before Mania where Miz & Maryse do Total Bullshit. Yeah, we get a whole minute of it. The crowd laughs. Nikki is still humorless about it. So, in order to satisfy this bet, JJ wants to take pictures with a bunch of the Smackdown Women’s Division. Back to the Miz-Maryse and Nikki-Cena promo.

Back from commercial – it’s the Bella family at another restaurant. Apparently there is a dispute over how JJ is attempting to win this bet. Back from the next commercial, evidently it’s supposedly wrong to make fun of bloggers. Oh, dear lord, soliciting free stuff from other people is Lauren’s “passion.” If you heard that, yes, it was me rolling my eyes and gagging, and I say that as an artist who uses Instagram occasionally for marketing purposes. Moving on, the family is having a DNA party. So, we’re celebrating Vikings as if it’s the only Scandinavian stereotype. On this show – it is.

They declare that the kid is going to be named “Birdie Joe” as if that wasn’t on that previous episode with the baby shower. But, onto Smackdown, where Nikki will spear Tyler Breeze and potentially injure her neck. So, Fandango sighting 50 minutes into the show. Poor Fandango gets beaten up by John Cena, and for those counting, David Otunga has like 5 seconds of commentary. Of course, the angle is: Is Nikki seriously injured? I seem to recall she cut her cheek on Tyler Breeze’s costume; we’ll know after commercial.

Back from break, Nikki and John defeat Breezango. We go backstage to the medic. And cut to commercial.

Seriously, again, back from commercial, Nikki will get an X-ray the next day. And that means it’ll be on the next episode. Yes, really, this was one big giant tease.

Next week: Brie thinks she’s giving birth without pain meds and Nikki gets an X-ray.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 10/4 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Sarah K’s exasperated review of Bellas talking “trimming,” Bryan talking seeds, JJ shoved into pool