10/4 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Sarah K’s exasperated review of Bellas talking “trimming,” Bryan talking seeds, JJ shoved into pool

TOTAL BELLAS, SEASON TWO – EPISODE 5
OCTOBER 4, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

Tonight on Total Divas – JJ gets pushed in the pool, the Bellas slap their name on a wine, and drama with Mama. We start out with the Bella twins and unnamed person doing yoga. Brie and Nikki discuss shaving their pubes. I want that 45 seconds of my life back. Anyway, everyone is going to Sonoma to try this wine.

Brie, JJ, and Mom are in a car, the Mom keeps asking Brie business like questions, which Brie doesn’t really answer. So, they arrive at a fancy house overlooking a farm field and a vineyard. Everyone is very impressed. Sure, the house is nice, but like if you live in farm country – then shrug your shoulders with me. JJ facetimes with his wife and child. Anyhoo, Bryan likes to garden, so, like all novices he wants to turn this into a business. I wonder if he knows that there are states that you cannot ship certain products to. No, really, I wonder this, because there are regulations… that, of course, is not the angle. It’s Bryan is going to be a business person.

We are then introduced to the notion that JJ has planned pranks for this trip. Just sigh with me. I know, right? Anyway, another scene where the Mom asks Brie & Nikki questions about the business and they get all defensive. From what anyone can gather, the Mom runs some sort of business. So, like an adult, the Mom dares to casually chat with the wine business partners. Oh noes! So, then everyone sits down at a table and they discuss how this wine was branded… which I guess might be interesting to someone who hasn’t had to sit through things like this for years. Basically, four million times they explain that the name of the wine means “beautiful roots,” and everyone acts like it’s the deepest thing they have EVER heard. Then everyone coos over the two-toned line art that’s going on the bottle. “Strategy we’re fostering as a team” is, in fact, something that is said during this meeting. Anyway, awkward moment when the wine tasting is announced and Bryan isn’t enthralled with the idea of his 2-week pregnant wife imbibing alcohol. So, we’re going to have the “if you don’t swallow” philosophical discussion. Commercial.

Back from commercial, we continue the Brie shouldn’t drink discussion… interrupted by JJ’s fart machine. So, then we facetime with John Cena, who doesn’t exactly help the fart machine situation. 20 minutes into the show – Johnny Ace comedy spot. Nikki apparently can’t handle saying “on your mark, get set, go.” Yes, there’s a race, I believe the Mom wins, I’m not rewinding this. They discuss Birdee Bee stuff. Evidently their instagram person sucks. The Mom offers to help. The kids get defensive. And then Bryan, JJ, and the Mom go for a bike ride. Bryan asks the Mom questions about this seed bank thing. Meanwhile, the twins wax about moving out to the country. Nikki thinks it would be cool to plant roses, and then have goats and wild horses. Country people – go ahead and sigh with me. A. horses are expensive and a shit ton of work. B. the goats will enjoy eating your roses (as goats will eat anything), also goats are a shit ton of work. But maybe there’s a farm hand in this fantasy and she’s more committed to it than the dog she abandoned with her sister? So, anyway, the girls discuss wine tasting and how unfair it is that Brie shouldn’t drink while pregnant. Yes, really, reality is the enemy. Back to the just swish it and spit it out approach. And cut to commercial.

The family is gathered at some restaurant. They present the spit and swish philosophy with Bryan. He’s non-plussed. The Mom says no. I wonder if anyone will point out that your mouth is basically a membranous surface and… yeah, I know, my inner nerd asks questions sometimes. Nikki again thinks it’s unfair that Brie shouldn’t drink. Evidently, Nikki is going to order a fake pregnancy belly. In the meantime, JJ plans a prank. It’s f—ing lame. Anyway, back at the house JJ intentionally runs into Nikki who therefore bumps into Johnny Ace, something gets spilled, and Nikki pushes JJ into the pool. Unfortunately, he does not drown. I know, right?

Back from commercial, Nikki gets the fake pregnancy belly. Yes, really. So, of course, all the resposible women in the winery are giving Nikki looks as she guzzles down wine. Yes, this is how far removed these 2 are from reality. You aren’t alone if you just rolled your eyes hard. Apparently Nikki gets stared at by a table full of winos, who supportively tell tales of drinking while pregnant. Teenage girls: this is a shitty narrative being presented by some super irresponsible fucks. But hey, I have a cousin who was born prematurely with a learning disability, her mom smoked and drank for a significant portion of the pregnancy. So, what I’m saying is: don’t fucking drink while you’re pregnant and find better role models than the Bella twins, oh, and like read a book.

Brie and Bryan have a little couple’s time on a blanket in a grassy area. Bryan is proud of her for not drinking at the winery. We then get a brief mention of family histories of alcoholism, which is why Bryan doesn’t drink. Evidently JJ tries on the pregnancy belly. We move on to the family gathered around the table. I think they’re drunk? So, anyway, 40 minutes into this show there is a “rap battle,” and then we move on to the lone preview clip from youtube where the Mom gives Bryan a book of business advice and the girls have a fight with their mom. We briefly discuss the Bar Studio that the twins were going to start – that I assume went nowhere. The Mom stalks off and we cut to commercial.

Back from commercial, the gang will discuss the Mom while she’s not in the room. Bryan points out that they’re being harsh to their Mom, Johnny Ace joins in for support. Brie erroneously says “I was being so nice.” No, dear, you weren’t. Anyway, the Mom comes back down to tearfully plead her case to her indignant children. There’s a cut-out shot where Nikki equivocates. I’m not buying what she’s selling. Bryan has to point out that they kind of treat their mom like dirt and generally ignore her advice. The Mom gets a “hip hip hooray” and then everyone goes to bed. So, it’s the night of the wine tasting where JJ will prank his sister and cause her to fall down a set of steps, where she cuts her hand. It’d be great if Bryan put him in a shoot hold, that likely isn’t going to happen.

So, we resolve the JJ pranking situation, where JJ doesn’t doesn’t really apologize in the kitchen, and then half-ass apologizes in the car. Sadly, no one pushes him out of the moving car. Yeah, a girl can hope. Anyway, they taste the wine. All is well.

Next week (maybe, or some time by the end of the season): The WrestleMania match is happening, the Mattel dolls, should Nikki retire, and JJ & Mom have a bet.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 9/27 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Awkward family discussions with Cena, Bryan, Bellas about Living Wills, Power of Attorney, Body Pod burials after death