WrestleMania Caliber: McNEILL previews WWE No Mercy 2017 (w/ Wrestling History Lesson)!

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it’s time for our exclusive WWE Network/pseudo pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul “NXT Fanservice” Levesque, Runjin Singh, Ed Koskey and WWE Chairman “Busted Open” Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive the Great American Popcorn Machine, furnished by Sunbeam. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by “Botany 500”. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he names Smackdown pay-per-views after old WCW shows. (Join us in December for “WWE Clash of Champions IV: Season’s Beatings”.)

Before we preview tonight’s show, let’s get to this month’s edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on September 23, 1997, the World Wrestling Federation taped WWF Shotgun Saturday Night from Albany, New York. The main event saw The Patriot face the late Brian Pillman in Pillman’s final televised match. Jim Ross and James E. Cornette had the call.

What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I’m glad you asked! On September 23, 2002, World Wrestling Entertainment taped an episode of “WWE Heat” in Anaheim, California. In the opening match, we saw D’Lo Brown take on Shawn Stasiak. Jonathan Coachman had the call. (Good luck finding this on WWE Network. Or…anywhere else.)

Speaking of WrestleMania caliber matches, we have you covered. From this week’s episode of WWE Main Event (also taped in Anaheim), it’s Heath Slater battling Dash Wilder. Vic Joseph & Nigel McGuinness have the call.

Michael Cole, Booker T & Corey Graves will be announcing the show. Renee Young, David Otunga & Some Guy With A Wrestling Podcast will be doing the preshow (I hope it’s Brian Last), with Charly Caruso chilling in the Social Media Lounge. On with the program!

Apollo Crews vs. Elias Samson, Drifter For Hire (Kickoff Match): This is a perfect opportunity for Elias to debut his new hit single “Los Angeles, Your Medical Marijuana Isn’t As Good As Denver’s”. Projection: Crews wins with a toss powerbomb. Why? Because I’m booking this show. And because Elias doesn’t need wins to get over.

Adrian Neville vs. Enzo Amore (WWE King Of The Cruiserweights Match): Yes, we get it. The wrestlers and agents have Enzo Amore in real life. But if you want the fans to hate Enzo Amore, you’ll have to do something different, like put him out there in a long singles match…Ah! Now I get it. Well played, WWE. Projection? The King wins with the Rings of Neville.

Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt: So, the rule is that Finn Balor is NOT allowed to dress up like The Demon and do his big entrance? Well, I’m sold. Subscribe now, everybody! Projection? Can we get a smart babyface for once? Finn hires the Good Brothers to come out and beat up Wyatt in the opening seconds of the match. Wyatt wins by DQ. The Brothers then drag Wyatt to the parking garage and toss him in the back of Randy Orton’s bus. Orton drives Bray out to the desert, and they have an awful match without any of us having to watch.

Mike Mizanin (w/ Mrs. Mizanin, Baby Mizanin and the Mizanintourage) vs. Jason Jor-dangle: You know how Darren Young had Bob Backlund for his advisor? I think Jason Jordangle should get a retired wrestler to advise him, and that retired wrestler should be Erik Watts. Projection? Miz gets disqualified due to outside interference. We’ll eventually get to Jordan forming a team to fight Miz & The Tourage’s team at Survivor Series. Somewhere in there we’ll find Miz another challenger. I hear Akira Tozawa is available.

Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins vs. The Barr (WWE World Tag Team Titles): They had a hell of a match last month. Can they do it again this month? Why not? Projection? Rollins hits Cesaro with the Rainmaker and the champs retain. And we still have the Hardys waiting in the wings.

Alexa Bliss vs. Bayley Martinez vs. Emma Dashwood vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks (WWE Women’s Title): Yeah, yeah, whatever. The Raw’s women’s division is a mess, but Asuka’s on her way to fix it. So really, everything that happens between now and then doesn’t matter. Projection? Who should be Women’s Champion when Asuka shows up? Alexa Bliss is probably your best choice. So, Alexa beats Emma here with a snap DDT.

Backstage, Mr. McMahon is shown the Nia Jax twerking video and spends the rest of the evening in a stupor.

John Cena vs. Roman Reigns: I vote we cancel the match so that John and Roman can give us another quick round of The Dozens. Who’s with me?

Cena: Your momma’s so fat, she gave birth to a Samoan.
Reigns: Oh, yeah? Your old man’s such a mark, FloSlam took HIM for a million dollars.

Oh, fine. You people are no fun. Projection? The problem with this match is, if Reigns beats Cena, the fans will hate Reigns. And if Cena beats Reigns, the fans will…still hate Reigns. At least if Reigns wins, it gives the announcers an excuse for Roman’s continued heeldom, or as we’ll call it now, alt-popularity. Reigns with a spear.

Brock Lesnar vs. Braun Strowman (WWE Universal Title): You knew WWE needed a great quarter for the Network when the company scheduled three Brock Lesnar title defenses in consecutive months. If the company wants to get 2 million subscribers, they’ll have to start paying people to join. (I mean, they COULD put together better storylines, but…nah, that’s crazy talk.) Projection? Short match, they kill each other, Braun pins Lesnar with a handful of trunks so WWE can convince themselves Braun is a heel. We get a champion who is there every week, and WWE can start priming the pump for a Strowman-Lesnar rematch at WrestleMania 34.

I know it sounds easy, but I’m not hearing a better idea. Unless The Rock shows up to fight Braun in New Orleans, you’re not going to get a more exciting WrestleMania main event.

Aftermath: WWE TLC is coming in four weeks. I figure Strowman defends against Reigns and Ambrose & Rollins fight The Hardys in a TLC match (assuming Jeff Hardy can go).

Also, don’t forget to join me and Greg Parks on PWTorchLivecast.com after No Mercy for our “Wrestling Night In America” postgame show. (515) 605-9345.

Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He likes the Oakland Raiders to beat the Washington Redskins in tonight’s football game. You know, if gambling were legal.