SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
by Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it’s time for our exclusive WWE Network/pseudo pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul “NXT” Levesque, Runjin Singh, Ed Koskey and WWE Chairman Vincent Kennedy Trump McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Edge Shaving Gel, the six-lubricant defense against razor irritation. Pat McNeill’s wardrobe provided by Izod Lacoste. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he names Raw pay-per-views after Moody Blues songs. (Join us in October for “WWE Steppin’ In A Slide Zone”.)
Am I the only person who thinks Corbin should fighting Randy Orton for the title, and Jinder should be waist deep in a feud with Sami Zayn? No? Good.
Before we preview Sunday night’s show, let’s get to this month’s edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that’s why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on May 24th, 1997, the World Wrestling Federation presented WWF Shotgun Saturday Night (pretaped) from Mobile, Alabama. The main event saw Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon wrestle The Godwinns. Jim Ross and James E. Cornette had the call.
What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I’m glad you asked! On May 20th, 2002 the World Wrestling Federation taped the May 26, 2002 episode of “WWF Sunday Night Heat” in Memphis, Tennessee. In the opening match, we saw D-Lo Brown against Justin Credible. Jonathan Coachman & Scott “Raven” Levy had the call. (Good luck finding this on WWE Network. Or…anywhere else.)
Want to see what Aleister Black’s main roster entrance will look like (without loading up WWE 2K17)? We have you covered. From last week’s episode of WWE Main Event, it’s Aleister Black vs. Curt Hawkins in London, England. Tom Phillips & Corey Graves have the call.
Tom Phillips, David Otunga & John Bully Layfield will be announcing the show. Renee Young will be doing the Kickoff Show, while Dasha Fuentes will be backstage, explaining to everyone that she isn’t Kayla Braxton. On with the program!
Tye Dillinger vs. Aiden English (Kickoff Match): Since Simon Gotch left WWE, Aiden English has returned as a singles wrestler having a nervous breakdown, in what is obviously not a shot at departed WWE Smackdown announcer Mauro Ranallo. Tye Dillinger wins matches and flashes the “ten” sign with his hands at his opponents. Projection: Dillinger wins with the Tye Breaker in a short match.
Luke Harper vs. Erick Rowan: Luke Harper has been pushed off and on as a singles wrestler. Is there anyone who would like to explain to me Erick Rowan’s character? I’ve written down “former member of the Wyatt Family” and that’s about it. Projection? Harper wins with the discus lariat.
Sami Zayn vs. Baron Corbin: From what I’m seen, Zayn’s character is “perky white meat babyface who’s a little annoying”. I’m sure that came from the fertile minds of WWE Creative and not from any specific interactions any writers had with the Underdog From The Underground. Projection? Corbin wins with the End of Days, of course.
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Dolph Ziggler: You’d actually have to watch Smackdown Live to know that this match is NOT the main event of Backlash. Judging by the ratings for the last few weeks, that’s too much work for most people. Projection? A lengthy match where Ziggler gets to shine, but Nakamura wins with Kinshasa. Ziggler is a former WWE champion, and the company needs as many talented main event level wrestlers as they can find, so the match shouldn’t be a squash. By the way, if JBL can’t deliver a decent call of Mr. Nakamura’s strong style finishing move, I will be VERY disappointed. (You have one job, Layfield.)
Naomi Fatu, Charlotte Flair & Becky Lynch vs. The Welcoming Committee: Owens finally won the WWE United States Title back at KOMania 2 in Orlando. The good part about the Superstar Shakeup is that it’s kept the two Canadian stars apart over the past few weeks. Projection? If this match is going to have a purpose, it should be to set up the next opponent for Naomi’s Smackdown Women’s Title. From a wrestling standpoint and a promo standpoint, Natalya should get this. Nattie pins Lynch after interference from James Ellsworth. Ellsworth takes the finishes from all three members of Team NBC Universal after the match to earn his keep.
Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles (WWE United States Title): As far as many wrestling fans are concerned, this is the main event in Chicago, with the former WWE World Champion battling the former WWE Universal Champion. Projection? I was trying to remember which screwjob finish we hadn’t seen recently. Instead, let’s go with the old double pin. Both men have their shoulders down for a three count, the match is declared a draw, Owens keeps the title, and we do a rematch at “Money In The Bank”. Does that work? Great.
Jey Uso & Jimmy Uso vs. Tyler Breeze & Fandango (WWE Smackdown Tag Team Titles): Yes, the “Fashion Files” skits from Breeze and ‘Dango are mildly entertaining. But they’re not as entertaining as the Uso Twins’ heel act. Projection? Jey Uso whacks Fandango with a championship belt and Jimmy hits the Samoan splash to keep the titles where they belong.
Randall K. Orton vs. Jinder Mahal (WWE World Heavyweight Headlock Title): Yes, I see the overseas oddsmakers have the Maharajah of Muscles as a prohibitive favorite. Yes, it would make sense for someone to be the transition champion between Randy Orton and AJ Styles (who I expect to get the title back by Survivor Series. And yes, it would be hilarious for Orton to lose to Mahal after going on social media to brag about the tremendous success he’s been as WWE Champion. But I can’t do this with a straight face. It’s not what’s best for business. Not even mine. Projection? Orton survives outside interference from Gurv Singh, Harv Singh, Runjin Singh and The Ray Conniff Singers before hitting an RKO Out Of Nowhere for the victory.
After the match, Bulgaria interferes with the sacred WWE Championship Selection Process, as Rusev runs in and beats down the exhausted Orton, plus any stray Bollywood Boys who don’t leave ringside quickly enough. Lana taunts Orton over the live microphone as Rusev locks in the Accolade.
Yeah, that’s better.
Aftermath: WWE Extreme Rules is in two weeks (TWO WEEKS!?!?), with Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz for the Intercontinental Title (with the disqualification rule waived) and Finn Balor vs. Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Samoa Joe. It all leads to Brock Lesnar’s title defense in July at “WWE Balls Of Fury”.
Also, don’t forget to join me and Greg Parks on PWTorchLivecast.com after Backlash for the postgame show. We’ll wait for you there. Like a stone.
Pat McNeill of Greenville, South Carolina has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He likes the Cleveland Cavaliers to beat the Boston Celtics in Sunday’s NBA Playoff game. You know, if gambling were legal.
Racist title much?
It’s a tribute to Chris Cornell. He played in a band called soundgarden and one of their songs, spoonman had the lyric which was in the title.