4/12 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 12): Pineapple on Pizza, Dean looks like a game show host, Darkness if only for Undertaker, Body Wraps

TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 12
APRIL 12, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

So, tonight is all about Naomi’s glow gimmick, Maryse & Eva doing Baywatch stuff, and Renee & Dean have a vacation date. We start with Maryse, who announces that the Miz is coming back to TV after filming the the “Marine 5” movie. So, Maryse wants to do a photoshoot. We pivot to backstage where retired Brie Bella appears to tell us that Daniel Bryan is the GM of Smackdown. Then Naomi talks to Mark Carrano about her new “glow” gimmick entrance. Evidently now is not the right time to figure out if WWE has black lights on hand. We go back to Brie and Bryan. Why that 40 seconds was necessary, I cannot say… other than god forbid we have an episode of Total Divas where a Bella Twin doesn’t needlessly appear.

The never-ending opening segment transitions to Dean Ambrose and Renee Young and their dog. They’re on vacation. It’s a small miracle that the Bella Twins aren’t there. Their dog is afraid of a piece of furniture – it’s a pig rocking horse. Back with Maryse & Eva. They’re shopping for bikinis. This is where Eva comes up with the Baywatch idea for the photoshoot. Meanwhile backstage at a house show, Naomi and Nattie are hanging out backstage. Naomi announces that she finally gets to try out her glow entrance. Nattie brings up that the lights going out is pretty much reserved for the Undertaker. Naomi needs to hustle to get some gear for her new entrance. We cut to commercial a mere ten minutes into the hour.

Back from break we’re in the car with Maryse and Eva talking about juice fasts on the way to get a body wrap. Eva is moaning as the woman applies some substance to her body. I can only guess it burns since she doesn’t appear to be getting waxed. Evidently the point of this was to sweat off some water weight. Back at Renee and Dean’s beach vacation, Renee is on the phone with one of the Bellas. Renee is planning on having a romantic night, so, of course Dean has gotten a pizza. It’s a Hawaiian pizza, much to Steve Austin’s and my disapproval. Pineapple does not belong on pizza. Renee has a minor hissy fit over the pizza. Meanwhile Naomi is at home with Jon testing out some gear. Naomi has determined that her present gear is not sufficiently glowing.

Oh, it’s a Brie Bella segment. Brie is in bed looking at her laptop as Bryan sings “Brie took all the pillows.” Brie needs to go somewhere with better Wifi. We abruptly switch to Nikki riding in a vehicle talking to someone about a conference call involving her and Brie. We get the scene from YouTube with Brie and Nikki arguing over the phone. Nikki tells Brie to get her priorities straight. Brie ends up hanging up on Nikki. I would’ve hung up on her, too. Cut to commercial.

Back from commercial Eva and Maryse are going over the props for the Baywatch photoshoot. They have to try to cram all the props into an SUV. Maryse almost forgot her Baywatch suit. We switch to Dean and Renee. Renee is taking Dean clothing shopping, because while on vacation she feels they need to dress up for a fancy dinner. Dean is nonplussed about getting fancy duds. Back to the beach Maryse is in a bit of a mood for the photoshoot. I guess maybe understand that there’s Photoshop and eat some damned food, ladies. If you’re hangry on a photoshoot, then no one wants to deal with you.

After the break, Maryse and Eva are on the break having a heart to heart about behaving at the photoshoot. Brief scene with Deanee. Renee is getting Dean all gussied up.  He proclaims that “I look like an idiot” and “I look like a game show host.” Renee attempts to brush his hair; he escapes the attempt. So, back at the beach Eva gets Maryse to eat a cheeseburger and the photoshoot proceeds without “hanger” problems. So, Dean and Renee have made it to the restaurant. Dean wants some whiskey, but they only have beer and wine. They get fancy food or, as Dean puts it, Renee has “shrimp in a hot fudge sundae glass.” Renee needles him about being uncomfortable. He says he wants to make her happy.

So, backstage in Tampa, we get brief shots of Paige and Nattie, but the point of the segment is to debut Naomi’s new gimmick. The seamstress has quick-shipped her gear. We get a brief history of Naomi’s career highlights from the ladie’s edition of NXT to the Funkadactyls. We cut to the Bella Twins. Oh, we’re treated to the Bella Twins trying to have a philosophical conversation about being a good wife. It’s obvious that Nikki disapproves of Brie’s life choices. Since this is Total Divas, somehow Brie will end up apologizing to Nikki for Nikki being overbearing to her. I shake my head. I guess the silver lining is that we haven’t yet had to hear about Nikki’s god damned comeback.

Back from commercial, we’re back to the Deanee vacation. They take the dog to a bar. They discuss the point of the romantic dinner they had prior, and then transition into a “Lady and the Tramp” analogy about how fancy restaurants and getting all dressed up isn’t exactly the Hallmark of their relationship or romance. Meanwhile Naomi is backstage sharing her anxieties over her new glow entrance with Nattie. She’s afraid she’s going to “look like an idiot.” After the break Naomi is going to try out her new entrance. She ends up trying it twice… and then a third time in an empty arena. We don’t get a conclusive answer as to whether or not it’s a go with the producers. We abruptly transition to the Bellas. I think they’re doing a photoshoot and Brie’s pretending to be philosophical about being independent or something like that. Meanwhile at Smackdown Live, Bryan and Shane cut a promo… that doesn’t exactly go anywhere. Oh, but we finally get to do Naomi’s entrance in front of an audience. It’s a go. Nattie is happy for Naomi. It’s a milestone, I suppose, that Nattie has finally appeared on an entire episode where she wasn’t involved in a scheme where she did something slightly dishonest to try to make someone else happy. In a way that’s a milestone. Anyway, the show ends on that happy note.

Next week on “Total Divas,” Eva’s brief five week run on Smackdown, Maryse sends a sexy picture to more than just Miz; Renee, Naomi and Lana are on vacation; and Paige is suspended.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 4/5 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 11): Build up to the roster split last summer, Paige and Alberto worried, plus Natalie, Bellas, Eva, Lana