1/25 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 10): Don’t steal Renee’s hat, training elephants involves cruelty, literally the worst email possible, and oh yeah, Lana and Rusev get married and throw cake

TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 10
JANUARY 25, 2017
AIRED ON E!
REPORT BY SARAH K., PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR

It’s the mid-season finale! Ooh ooh, I’m free, I’m free! After this episode for X amount of time I don’t have to type words about the Bella Twins!

So, the open focuses on Nikki’s neck surgery and comeback, Lana’s wedding, the roster split, and Dean & Renee go see her family in Toronto. We open with Nikki and John “Mumbles” Cena who requires subtitles. They’re talking about her comeback. Do you watch wrestling? Was it meaningful to you? Yeah, I didn’t care about it either… it’s just that on this show it hasn’t happened yet.

Ah, the never-ending ever-changing fifteen minute long opening segment takes us to a gym with Renee, Maryse, Eva, and Lana. They’re talking about Lana’s wedding. She wants to get an elephant to make Rusev happy. Maryse schools her on performing elephant cruelty. Hey, did you read that Ringling Brothers is shutting down? Yeah, I’m not a PETA person, but Maryse is, in fact, correct. Somewhere backstage in makeup – Jon and Naomi are discussing the brand split. They don’t want to be separated. Moving along, Miz and Maryse are discussing not going to the wedding over the elephant thing. “If you’re not going, I’m not going,” Miz declares.

Next on the never-ending ever-changing fifteen minute long opening segment, we’re backstage with Renee and friends discussing the impending visit to Ontario with her family. Dolph & Rusev are having a match. Naomi is backstage being interviewed about the draft. Bottom line: No one in a couple wants to be separated from their partner. Then we’re in a car with Dean & Renee. Dean is apparently opposed to living in Canada unless aliens take over the United States. And then, only Vancouver. Maybe. Ugh, it’s the Bellas. Nikki is going to get her final CAT scan. If you’ve tried to pretend to be interested in any of her last two feuds, I think you know how this turned out.

Next on the never-ending ever-changing fifteen minute long opening segment, we’re in Toronto in the rented house with Dean and Renee. Renee is freaking out as to whether or not Dean has showered. Dean claims that he will “charm the pants off this woman” (that woman being Renee’s Mom). They sit on the patio and discuss the wild and crazy things they will likely not actually be doing. Apparently Mom has recently had ankle surgery and her foot is swollen… and then it’s Nikki Bella at a doctor’s appointment. And we finally cut to commercial.

Back from commercial, Nikki’s at the doctor. She’s told that she can come back. Apparently she’s really excited that she’s coming back. Lana is sitting by a pool watching videos of elephants being trained on an iPad. Yes, Maryse was right. Also, Maryse is the one who sent her the videos. So, instead, Lana wants a flower arch. Rusev thinks it’s unnecessary. Lana’s getting an arch. Then Nikki and Nattie meet for lunch. Hey, Nikki’s wearing obscenely expensive shoes, wonder if it’s her or John Cena that’s compensating for something? Hmm…

Dean, Renee, and family are eating outdoors at a restaurant. Apparently, the offense committed by the random person was that he stole Renee’s hat. After the commercial break we’ll see how this ends. It looks as though Renee is a tad bit paranoid that her family thinks that Dean is an ill-mannered grifter hooligan. So, Dean leaps over the shrubs lining the outdoor patio, chases after the guy, gets the hat back, forces the guy (whose face was digitized) to say “‘I’m a drunk asshole and I’m sorry,” and Renee is mortified.

And we’re at NXT where Nikki is training for her comeback (that apparently people care about, I dunno who). In Toronto, Dean and select family members are at a bar after the hat incident. Renee shows up. After her little freak-out over the hat theft and subsequent retrieval, she wanted to cut the evening short. Anyway, Renee shows up to announce that everyone should go home. Outside the bar, a clearly inebriated Dean offers to play human Frogger (which entails running into traffic). He brags he has never died doing it. Well, obviously. Renee is more mortified. Her mom laughs. She’s drunk, too. We’re having a “let people be who they are” moment, aren’t we? I’m sure this had to have been the plot of a Berenstein Bears book and numerous sitcoms and movies from the ’80s, but I digress.

In Malibu, Nikki shows up to the Lana-Rusev wedding site. Brie and Bryan show up with the dogs. Evidently, Rusev has rented a Lamborghini. Of course, this is an issue somehow. I’m guessing because women forget that men mostly don’t think about the ambience of a flower arch when they fondly remember their weddings. Sadly, we will get no footage of Rusev driving the Lamborghini. For the record: It was orange.

The next day Dean, Renee, and Mom are at a bar. Mom points out that Renee is being overbearing as the two are clothing shopping. Meanwhile, Dean is outside clowning around. So, we get shots of Mom explaining, “Let people be who they are” cut with shots of Dean entertaining himself on the sidewalk. Cut to the wedding, Lana is complaining about the Lamborghini. Nikki gives her advice. As a woman, Nikki isn’t exactly giving her helpful advice. Yes, right, Lana and Rusev are going to resolve all the big issues in their relationship literally the night before their wedding. Yes, of course, how helpful, Nikki. Remember guys, she has a slightly above average IQ, and it rears its head repeatedly. Uh huh. Cut to commercial.

Dean and Renee are at the house. She drags Dean off to apologize for being overbearing. “Exactly, just stop talking right there,” says Dean, hugging the argument to an end. So, outside on the patio, Dean, Renee, and family end the trip celebrating Renee’s birthday. Yes, there are nunchucks. Then we’re at the wedding. Of course, this segment focuses on the Bellas because it’s Lana & Rusev’s wedding. Lana’s Dad does a toast. Later that evening the entire gang is assembled. Daniel Bryan insists that Rusev and Lana can’t sleep together in the same hotel room… whatever. The next morning, Lana is getting her makeup done. A gift shows up from Maryse & Miz – an elephant statuettes. (Hey, I had to find a fancy word for knick knacks). It reminds Lana that she was going to get Rusev an elephant but he didn’t want to get her a flower arch… yes, this is the wedding drama-rama-for-you-mama.

And the wedding commences. Of course, Rusev got Lana a flower arch – the exact one that she wanted. It’s a nice colorful wedding. The bridesmaids appear to be wearing aqua colored dresses. Rusev’s vows focus on the concept of a soulmate; Lana’s deal with being stuck in her own ways and changing that. They kiss in front the ocean. And Lana’s Dad has a hard time pronouncing Rusev’s real last name. Lana wanted to keep her last name, but gave in out of love. It’s Barnyashev. Yeah, rolls right off the tongue. Anyway, after the wedding we see the circus theme. It’s quite something. At the dinner Rusev is wearing a vest but not a shirt, lol. Oh, and Nikki Bella gets an email… because only on Total Divas could we trample an interesting character’s fun moment (Lana’s wedding) with boring-ass Bella Twins drama. Ugh. Oh, and cut to commercial like this is interesting.

I literally bet that Nikki wasn’t cleared by WWE, and we’re supposed to care about this, even though we already know she eventually comes back to TV and, quite frankly, a draft focusing on Becky Lynch and Charlotte was vastly more entertaining than more Bella Twins nonsense… Anyway, as I type this, we’re still on commercial. I’m on my cajillionth Dominoes pizza commercial, how about the rest of you? Oh, as it turns out, Nikki wasn’t cleared by WWE. Can we just focus on Lana’s wedding? Nope. We’re stuck with Nikki and her thinking that she should be a focal point of the draft. Oh, hey, back to dancing at the wedding! Lana does the splits.

And cut to the Draft (yeah, we finally stopped calling it the Brand Extension). Oh, hey, it’s Eva (she’s on the show, ha!). She wonders if he’s not drafted, what will become of her. Paige thinks if she’s not drafted, she might never get to wrestle again. Meanwhile, Nikki is training at the Performance Center. Does anyone care? I don’t. Anyway, backstage at the Draft: Oh, to be continued. Yes, seriously, this happened in July 2016, right?

Well, Total Divas returns on April 19th. So, nine months after the Draft those who watch this show but don’t watch wrestling may know the Draft “spoilers,” right? Yeah, use the Internet, kids, or hey, watch the other product. Anyway, the teaser is who gets drafted where, Brie is pregnant, and Renee and Dean still have a relationship.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 1/18 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 9): Lana goes to Thunder Down Under and Rusev isn’t thrilled, Cena hosts the ESPYs, and a Cat Lady in a Pool!