SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 6
DECEMBER 21 , 2016
AIRED ON E!
The show opens with Naomi on set of the “Marine 5” in Vancouver, B.C. Heath Slater and Curtis Axel are hanging out in her trailer. That’s a weird pairing… The show open plays and we are in San Diego where Brie & Bryan are renting a house in order to visit family in California. Brie & Nikki argue over whose dog is smarter – Josie or Winston. Josie proves to be the smarter dog. Yes, I just typed that.
Next up Lana and Rusev are in a bar line dancing with Renee Young. Lana says Rusev is a huge country music fan. “Rusev and I actually live in Nashville, Tennessee. He’s obsessed with country music,” she says as creepy bar patrons observe the filming of the segment on stools right behind their table. Rusev unveils his Southern accent. I can only hope that Vince McMahon doesn’t see this. I don’t want to see that as an angle on Raw (oh, you can picture it, it’s like the episode of the “Addam’s Family” where they keep hitting Gomez in the head with a pan and he switches between good and regular Gomez; so Rusev takes a hit to the head and suddenly he’s a hillbilly… I clearly shouldn’t have typed that, forget that you read that). Anyway, Lana establishes the idea of doing themed wedding invitations where they dress like sexy hillbillies.
Meanwhile, Natalya is on Raw in a match against Summer Rae. Then we pan to Maryse and Miz on the movie set. Miz goes off to hair and makeup and Maryse goes to Naomi’s trailer, where she has a cajillion pink post-it notes with suggestions / tips on the wall. Back in California with the Bellas and Bryan, it is established that they’re going to take an IQ test. Brie insists she’s the smarter twin.Brie Bella: “I am the smarter Bella. I can care less if I beat her in this IQ test,” she says. (She means “I could NOT care less.” She said the opposite of what she meant while claiming to be the smarter Bella. Irony.) Then she unveils this nugget: “The unfortunate thing for Nicole and I is that we’re not really trained in education.” (Yes, I just typed that.) Nick replied: “Did you just really say that?!?”
We skip to Raw, where many of the other cast members on the show also appear. Nattie’s on the phone with her Mom to establish that her sister Jenni is having a meltdown. As usual, Nattie is having one of those “trying to control the entire world” moments. Cesaro makes a brief appearance on the show to try to talk some sense into her. Merciful Jesus, we FINALLY cut to commercial.
Back from commercial Nattie and Jenni meet. Jenni is apparently looking for a job. Nattie thinks she should follow her passion, which she thinks is cooking. Nattie thinks that Jenni should do a cooking class. Meanwhile at Smackdown… Lana is discussing her wedding invitations with Lana and Mark Carrano. She’s insistent on a Nashville theme for the invitations for her Malibu beach wedding. We switch to Nattie’s house where their mom has made fliers for this cooking class. Nattie and her mom then hang up fliers. Not sure why they didn’t just use the Internet, you know, because that’s how people actually find out about things. It’s not like Nattie doesn’t have a Twitter and an Instagram…
We cut to Bryan and the Bellas in the car on the way to the IQ test. Nikki: “I’m actually very curious for myself how smart I am.” Bryan asks sample questions in the car. This goes as expected. Anyway, they go in for the test… I mean, I guess they have to film for the show, but there are free (and not free) online IQ tests. Yes, you can literally take one in your pajamas as you sit at home.
Nikki takes the test first. Meanwhile Brie and Bryan sit in the lobby and Brie admits that she really wants to beat Nikki. Brie goes in for the test and we switch abruptly to backstage at Raw where Nattie is trying to convince her coworkers to come to Jenni’s cooking class. Titus O’Neal wants $100. He says he’s serious. “Time is money.” Nikki says okay. Titus wants the money NOW. “You got 100 dollars on you?” he asks.
Meanwhile, back at the IQ test, Nikki is in the lobby with Bryan and says that one of the questions was about Sacagawea, who apparently Nikki thought was a famous Native American man. Yes, man. If only the treasury department had put her on a coin or something… evidently Nikki has never bought stamps from a vending machine, but I digress. Evidently, “Who was the president during the Civil War” was actually a question, and Brie did not know the answer. She said Theodore Rosevelt. Nikki knew. (head desk) Hey, teenage girls looking for role models, here’s a hint: Pick someone besides the Bella twins, almost anyone, but probably not Eva Marie. Maybe look to some scholars, scientists, astronauts, whatever.
Maryse and Naomi hang out on their day off from the set. Naomi is stressing about being in the movie, so Maryse is going to distract her with a trapeze lesson. Of course, Naomi is afraid of heights, but manages to try it anyway. We cut to Nattie’s house for the cooking class, invitees include Fandango, Titus O’Neal, and Big E. And cooking begins… Meanwhile in Nashville, Lana and Rusev are doing their sexy hillbilly wedding shoot. Rusev is concerned about getting a farmer’s tan. And we abruptly cut back to Nattie’s kitchen where one of the class antendees makes a crack about being paid to attend the class…
Of course, Jenni freaks out that Natalya paid people to be there and begins dismissing the students. Then abruptly we switch to Lana and Rusev in Nashville, where Rusev has had one of the invitation photos printed and framed. Lana is delighted. Then we cut to the Bellas and Bryan where Bryan arrives with groceries and IQ scores. The twins decide they don’t want to know the results. Dude, seriously. Anyway, Brie pulls them out of the trash and opens them. So, it turns out that we cut to commercial. Their results are 99 and 113. So, as per Wikipedia, those scores are average and slightly above average. Basically, if you want to be a genius you need to score 130 or higher. Anyway, Nikki won.
Back at Nattie’s house Nattie apologizes to her sister about the class. Jenni has a bit of a meltdown, and has apparently consumed quite a bit of wine. And we cut to commercial.
We’re back on set in Vancouver where Maryse has gotten some gory movie make-up. Then back at Nattie’s, she’s on the phone with Jenni, who apologizes for her meltdown. Essentially they make up. The moral of this story (and almost every Nattie story on this show) is that Nattie needs to stop trying to control the world and make everything okay for everybody. Back to the movie, Naomi has had a good day of shooting.
Next week: the Bellas argue over something (what else do they do?), and Paige incurs an injury.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 12/14 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 5): “This is basically the plot of a Berenstein Bears book” plus Rusev-Lana wedding planning
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