SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)...
TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 3
NOVEMBER 30, 2016
AIRED ON E!
We open with a recap of Maryse returning to the roster.
We start in the household of Miz & Maryse where the dog, Mocha, has peed in front of the bed. IC Champ, the Miz, cleaning up pee. Then we bounce to Paige and Alicia talking about dating. Then Mark Carrano tells Naomi she’s going to be in the next WWE Marine movie. Then we’re backstage at Smackdown, pre-draft, and we have an appearance by Renee Young. Meanwhile, I’m trying to eat pie and someone just called me trying to hit me up with a charitable donation. No one wants you until you’re trying to do something. So, we’re in Brie & Bryan’s house waiting for pregnancy test results. Spoiler alert: Brie’s not pregnant, yet.
Eva’s actually on the show. Wow. Eva & Maryse are going to go pimp Eva’s hair extensions. This is where we learn that Maryse is a real estate agent who flips houses. Then we skip to Jon and Naomi where Naomi is running lines. She introduces us to the problem that she doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Then we’re at a dog shelter with Maryse and Eva. Maryse picks out a dog, despite already having four. In LA, the Bellas, Lana, & Paige are going to do a photoshoot. Brie’s big accomplishment is to walk around the pool wearing a thong in order to get people to stare at her almost naked ass. In the mean time, Eva and Maryse scheme about how to hide the dog from Miz until the perfect time… of course, Miz comes home early. And we finally cut to break! Kinda makes you wish two people could just argue for 15 minutes straight or do anything for 15 minutes straight so that we didn’t constantly ping-pong back and forth between a rotation of three different pairs.
Anyway, Maryse sneaks the dog out of the house and we’re off to pimp hair extensions! And the dog poops on the (pink) red carpet. Meanwhile, the Bellas and Lana are at a restaurant talking about how much Brie drank today. Brie’s getting a tattoo, so, we’re obviously in full bad decision mode. Anyway, they toast to MILFs, I hope teenagers don’t watch this show (I know I’m delusional, that’s the entire Bella twin fan base). Now, Maryse has to admit to Miz that she bought the dog, and Miz is disappointed but diplomatic about it. He’s better at this reality TV thing than John Cena; imagine that! Even if there is a quotient of acting, he doesn’t come across like a robot.
Jon takes Naomi to a dealership to get comfortable with the concept of riding a bike. This doesn’t work out so hot.
The Bellas, Renee, Lana, and Paige are going to do this photoshoot now. Everyone puts on swimsuits and gets their hair and makeup done. Then beach photos. Brie’s afraid she’s going to have a Mom-bod after pregnancy, so she wants a super sexy shoot. The makeup artist tries to explain that after you have a baby it isn’t the body-apocalypse, but Brie’s having none of it.
Jon brought home a small motocross bike for Naomi to practice on. Naomi tries it and crashes, and then has a small meltdown. Yeah, this isn’t a Bella Twins fight. Back from commercial the two of them are going to smooth this out. Back in L.A., the Miz and Maryse are going to go visit the house that Maryse has bought to flip. Miz teases her about spending money instead of saving during the drive there. This was the teaser clip that was on YouTube. Maryse shows Miz around the house. It’s not in the greatest condition, but it does have a good looking pool.
Miz and Maryse have a tense moment where she admits that she bought the house and then tells him what she paid for it. Miz is annoyed that she didn’t tell him about it before buying it. Miz feels somewhat betrayed. There’s some awkward silence.
The Bellas, Paige, Lana, and Renee are at a restaurant talking about getting tattoos. This is a terrible idea. Evidently we forgot about that prior episode where one of these twins was getting a tattoo removed. Nikki doesn’t think Brie should get the tattoo, so Brie does the most mature thing ever and says that Nikki isn’t her sister but her mom in the cutaway. I sigh, mostly because I remember that tattoo removal segment… I don’t enjoy watching drunk Brie, because she’s more belligerent that regular Brie. She makes a seriously unattractive face as Nikki’s explaining that this isn’t the last weekend ever.
We switch over to Miz and Maryse. They have an adult conversation about spending money and communication issues. Miz talks about his parents’ divorce, and Maryse introduces the fact that her father died of a heart attack when he went hiking in the mountains when she was 15 years old. Maybe that’s why Maryse is a tad impulsive. Then we segue to Jon and Naomi making up. He got her flowers and wrote a romantic note on the card.
And we end the show back at ChateauMarMiz (as it’s known on Maryse’s Instagram). Maryse’s sister and nephew have arrived. They’re in town to pick up Luna, the dog that Maryse got earlier at the shelter. It’s a happy ending for everyone. And then because they’re French-Canadian, we have a little bit about the nephew not speaking English, and the Miz not really speaking French. He knows about as much French as I know Spanish from my junior high Spanish classes. I know how to say “I don’t speak Spanish” – in Spanish. He knows how to say “My name is Mike” in French, LOL.
Next week on the show: Nikki Bella can’t talk about her wrestling comeback in front of Daniel Bryan because Brie thinks it’s rude, and we finally delve into the notion that Paige is dating Alberto Del Rio.
NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 11/23 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 2): Naomi visits Pulse Nightclub memorial in Orlando, Bryan concerned about depression and fatherhood, Maryse is back, Lana issue
Maybe get someone who isn’t terrible to do these?