11/16 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW (ep. 1): American accent Lana gets ready for her first match at WrestleMania, Divas become Women, WrestleMania backstage, squabbling

TOTAL DIVAS, EPISODE 1 (season premiere)
NOVEMBER 16, 2016
AIRED ON E!

The show opens with the standard recap from Total Bellas: Nikki has neck surgery, Brie’s last match at Mania, and Daniel Bryan retires.

It’s WrestleMania. We get random shots of the players on the show walking around backstage… including a shot of the ten woman tag match. Everyone looked at Naomi’s hair, right? We blast back into the past of one week earlier when everyone arrived in Dallas for the show. Bryan’s not going to be there since he has no roll on the show, so Brie Bella is flying solo. We also see Lana and Renee Young. Lana is introduced to us talking with her actual American accent. The highlight of her introduction is Rusev proposing to her as she sits in a flamingo floatie in a pool. She was ecstatic to be engaged. We then segue to John Cena and Nikki Bella driving. They have an awkward conversation where John asks Nikki if everything is okay. It doesn’t seem to be.

All the Divas are gathered together so that Stephanie McMahon and Triple H can make an announcement. Stephanie announces that they will no longer be called Divas, but will be referred to as Superstars because women and men are the same. They show some match footage of the women, and then a Seth Rollins clip. Pretty sure all Seth Rollins fan girls wished he had a girlfriend so that he’d actually be on the show… but I digress. Triple H congratulates everyone on being Superstars.

Renee Young, Eva, Naomi, Lana, Nattie, and Maryse are at a restaurant. Renee gets her introduction to the viewers. Obviously, she’s the backstage interviewer, oh, and she’s dating Dean Ambrose (for those of you non-fangirls: OMG, Deanee! Seriously, it’s a hashtag on Instagram). Back at dinner, we are introduced to the premise that Maryse (who was not introduced via career retrospective B-roll) and the Bella Twins are no longer besties. There was a situation three to four years prior where Maryse, the Bellas, and an unnamed (and further unmentioned) fourth woman all negotiated for the same contracts. WWE chose the Bella Twins and not Maryse. Maryse felt betrayed because they all went in on it together and she got the shaft. That’s a genuine emotion.

In a cutaway, Naomi resumes her role as the adult and wishes that everyone could get along, where as Renee thinks that Maryse simply explaining the situation when the Bella Twins aren’t present to defend themselves is “not cool.” As a side note, I’m predisposed to want to like Renee, but I’ve been on the losing side of lady stuff before and the idea that there are unwritten rules about never gossiping or venting without the winner’s permission is just horsesh–. So, I’m warning you, girls, that I have a propensity to side with Maryse, who is obviously supposed to be the villain.

Oh, hey, Paige exists. She’s been off WWE TV since August, but here she was last spring when this was filmed. She’s at some sort of WrestleMania signing where she’s talking about meeting with the sick kids and how inspiring it is. Here we establish that Naomi is having hair issues, and that somehow Paige is going to help her out with that. I shudder. I’ve been looking at Paige’s dye job since she debuted and shaking my head. I wouldn’t go to her for hair help, but I digress, and so does the show. We cut away to a shot of Brie and her mom in a car. They discuss Brie feeling lonely since she doesn’t have Nikki or Bryan there for her big retirement. She offers an insight into Bryan’s depression by way of one of his new trainer’s thoughts: when he retired and went off the road, he lost all his friends. Brie segues this moment into how she’s not really friends with any of her female coworkers and then bitches that Maryse is talking trash about her, and I guess that’s not fair.

Meanwhile, in a hotel room somewhere Paige f—s up Naomi’s hair as Jon (Naomi’s husband) and Lana watch in horror. Not unlike me, they both thought it was a horrible idea. Back from break we get to see just what a hack job Paige has done. She not only dyed Naomi’s hair, she also cut it into a long bob. Side note, my childhood ambitions were to be a princess or a hairstylist, so I watched this with an extra dose of horror. Anyway, the WWE makeup people are there and tell Naomi that she needs professional help and they are unable to provide it.

Lana is getting her gear ready. She’s worried about how she’s going to look. Nattie rains on her parade with the running theme of the show: Lana’s debut match is at WrestleMania and she better not f— it up for everyone else. Also, we learn that a nip-slip is a 30 day suspension. Somewhere else Paige, Brie, and Renee are at a restaurant. Renee ran into Maryse earlier in the day and she invited Maryse to this outing so that she and Brie could reconcile. If you guessed that this doesn’t go as planned, give yourself a star. Unfortunately, nobody throws a drink at anyone else (standard reality TV trope) or overturns the table (standard WWE trope).

Instead Maryse cuts a promo and just keeps talking when Brie tries to interrupt her (I actually clapped as I sat in my living room watching that, take note WWE writers). Brie gives her side of the story and then tells Maryse that Bryan always thought that Maryse was rude to Brie (I guess expecting an apology?) Brie thinks Maryse is jealous of her career. Maryse counters that she has a life and career. Brie says she doesn’t care about that (and yes, girls, not only is that bad form, it’s callous). Brie was hurt that Maryse didn’t compliment her on getting a contract when she herself did not, supposedly that’s bad form; in reality that’s just rubbing someone’s nose in it. Maryse leaves. I’m happy for her. Renee and Paige then talk sh– with Brie about Maryse after she’s left. As I said, I’m predisposed to try to like Renee; she’s not making it easy.

We’re at WrestleMania Axxess. There’s a foam pit, children, autographs. Nattie and Eva hug – so, you know, there’s Eva’s appearance for the show. Nikki Bella appears. She’s glad to see her fans. “They don’t call me Fearless Nikki for nothing,” she says. I openly admit that I have no idea why face-heel-face-heel-face-heel Nikki Bella is called “Fearless.” I have never understood it. I have no further insight based on this segment. American accent Lana is at a table signing things. Rusev is there. His broken English is charming.

We cut away to Brie and Nikki in a hotel room. Brie got flowers from Bryan. Nikki sits on Brie’s bed with her shoes on. Brie has a John Cena house rules style moment. It’s not like Nikki hops off the bed. Brie is stressed. This is not the way she envisioned the end of her career. She talks some sh– about Maryse having the gall to talk sh– about her (and fails to see the irony). Nikki reminds her she’s not the only person on earth. This doesn’t go over well. Nikki introduces the weirdly oblivious idea that Brie’s retirement is overshadowing her injury. Not being the center of attention must be difficult. They can’t come to a resolution, and Nikki doesn’t want to endure Brie’s venting so she leaves. One of them calls the other one a “bitch.”

We’re backstage at WresleMania. It’s a makeup moment. Lana’s nervous. Nattie tells her to own it. Oh, hey, Naomi got her hair fixed. Let’s not do that again, eh!?! The women are all assembled for a photo shoot. Mark Carrano is there to give them a pep talk. Brie is honored to see where the women have come. I’ve been watching wrestling for 33 years so, as the kids say, I can’t even.

The match. They show selected footage of the Ten-Superstar (hey, it’s their corporate language) tag match. Lana doesn’t appear to injure anyone or f— up, so, I guess: thanks for all that badgering, Nattie! Brie gets her moment. The announcers shout Brie mode. As is standard, I ask if she’s going to get drunk in the ring. She doesn’t. She does Daniel Bryan kicks, then she pins Naomi with the Yes Lock. Nikki comes down to celebrate. Everyone hugs. Montage of Brie Bella career highlights airs.

We’re backstage, everyone hugs. Then we cut to footage of Lita announcing that the Diva’s Title is being converted into the Women’s Title… without stating the obvious: the term Diva is inherently sexist. Anyway, they cut to a shot of most of the women from the Ten-Superstar match looking stunned. Nikki Bella looks like a four year old who just got a pony at a princess-themed birthday party. I wonder where those acting skills were for the last ten years, but I digress.

Back from break, Nikki reminds us that she will now forever be the longest reigning Diva’s Champion. I groan. Then she announces her intentions to become the future longest reigning Women’s Champion. Sorry, “Fearless Nikki” fan girls, I’m old and there’s no way she’s eclipsing the reign of the Fabulous Moolah. Oh, wait are we pretending this title is brand new? Yeah, it’s not. 28 years is a long time. Google it.

Anyway, teasers for future drama on Total Divas: Naomi’s new ring entrance, Nattie turns heel, Deanee is a thing, the Draft, Naomi & Jon might be on separate brands, oh, and Paige and Alberto Del Rio is a thing (and Paige seems to be the only one who thinks it’s a good thing).

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REVIEW OF THE SEASON FINALE OF TOTAL BELLAS: 11/9 TOTAL BELLAS REVIEW (ep. 6): Nikki doesn’t understand sarcasm and thinks Bryan’s depression is inconvenient for her, Ace & Mom get married