McNEILL’s Live Blog of WWE No Mercy 2016!

PWTorch Middle-Aged Vulgarian Columnist Pat McNeill is celebrating after Martellus Bennett led his fantasy football team to victory. His Live Blog should begin soon.

Welcome to the warmup show for the Presidential Debate. Let me fill you in as to what happened on the Kickoff Show:

– Curt Hawkins did his entrance, which was the male version of Eva Marie’s entrance. His character is a delusional goof. And he will have his first match Tuesday on Smackdown Live.

– Becky Lynch is out with a “medical condition”, not an injury. But Alexa Bliss will still get her title shot on November 8th in Glasgow.

– American Alphas & Hype Bros beat The Vaudevillians & The Ascension in one of those Smackdown eight-man tag matches we get every so often. It was pretty good. It should be. They’ve practiced it enough.

– It looks like Jack Swagger vs. Baron Corbin has been moved to the main show.

So, the main show begins. We start with the title match. Cena, Ambrose & Styles are all introduced, and THEN we go to the video package. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do this the other way around?

If you want to talk about this match with us on social media, use the hashtag #WrapItUpBeforeTrumpComesOut.

Styles vs. Ambrose vs. Cena. There are no rules. Except for triple threat rules. So, there are some rules.

All three wrestlers are down and selling. And why not? The match has been going, oh, about sixty seconds. Phenomenal Pescado by Styles. Cena suplexes Ambrose while Dean suplexes Styles. David Otunga tells us, again, how powerful Cena is. Otunga plans to hammer that point deep into the ground, and use it to anchor a badminton net.

Cena almost wins the title after hitting Styles with the Code Jortz. Then the three men take turns playing Near Fall Roulette. It’s hard to imagine these three doing any better. We may need to see this match again on one of the 629 episodes of Smackdown between now and Survivor Series.

Backstage, the other wrestlers are drawing straws to see who has to follow this. Good sequence where Cena locks in the STF on Styles and Ambrose grabs AJ’s free arm to make sure Styles doesn’t tap out. Ambrose eats a Ligerbomb. Cena rolls through on a crossbody and picks Styles up like a bag of fertilizer. The crowd boos.

We get the finish where Ambrose and Cena get Styles in a double submission hold and Styles taps. Which makes no sense here, since Ambrose had the hold applied first. Dean should be the champion. Or Styles should be eliminated and the other two should fight it out. If you think the 2000 election was screwed up, imagine how much worse it would have been with WWE officials in charge.

Styles whacks Cena with a chair and pins him. It’s perfectly legal. Which must be why the crowd cheers the Phenomenal One. Mauro says Cena looks disconsolate. Cena looks more like he has just been told he can’t start drinking until after the show.

The official WWE Ouija Board thinks you should watch Hell In A Cell in three weeks. Later, we’ll confirm that with the WWE Magic 8-Ball.

Video package time. Bray tells Randy Orton he can never die. Bray sure can lose a lot of matches, though. The WWE Ouija Board thinks you should watch Hell In A Cell in 3 weeks. Later, we’ll confirm that with the WWE Magic 8-Ball.

Video package for Nikki Bella vs. Carmella. You know, if I were Nikki, I probably would have stopped giving interviews by now.

Backstage, Shane McMahon is checking what’s left of his hairline when he and Bryan are interrupted by Mr. and Mrs. Marine 5. Hey, Miz finally gets to main event a pay-per-view again. And all that had to happen was for Donald Trump to get into the Presidential Finals.

The Usos are on their way to the ring, still wearing what they had on for their house painting gig this afternoon in Florin.

Time for Heath Slater & Rhyno to defend the Smackdown Tag Team Titles. Ranallo calls them Beauty & The Manbeast, which would make Slater the Beauty. Otunga calls them the Odd Couple. In that analogy, Rhyno is Jack Klugman. Either way, I’m guessing Jamie Noble wishes Heath Slater had given him his new address.

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely you can always turn…off Raw. After that, we go to Bray Wyatt’s new commercial for Unpainted Arizona Furniture.

So get this. Last week on WWE Smackdown Live, a referee blew a call. In a professional wrestling match. I know!

Swagger vs. Corbin is next. But first, we go to our Portuguese announce team of Francisco Capelo and Aldo Montoya. Corbin attacks the left hand of Swagger. Otunga explains that Baron Corbin is at his best when he bores the crap out of the audience. Corbin wins with a Greco-Roman poke to the eyes.

Kids, be sure to check out WWE’s new line of “HGH Heroes” toys, each sold separately.

Video package for…wait, they’re doing the Miz versus Ziggler match now? Who’s going on last, Curt Hawkins and Johnny Knockout? (Yes, I know we still have Orton vs. Bray Wyatt, but who gives a crap?)

Is this the last time Dolph Ziggler walks to a WWE ring? Of course not. That doesn’t mean he’s winning the match, though. The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler, title vs. career. JBL tells us that Dolph Ziggler’s comedy act isn’t very funny. Yeah, kinda figured on that one.

Mauro reminds us again that if Eddie Guerrero had lived, he’d still be younger than Goldberg.

Ziggler is wearing his pink tights this evening. I guess that’s foreshadowing for when Miz locks in the sharpshooter and the ref calls for the bell.

This is a hell out of a bout. They’re making it look like both wrestlers are pulling out all the stops, playing it straight, and the crowd is eating it up.

Maryse finally calls to the back for Kenny & Mikey. In the confusion, Ziggler hits the superkick without his boot and wins. Can we call that move the “supersock”?

Ad for the Network. Wait, are they saying that WrestleMania will ONLY be on WWE Network this year? Sure, it’s been three years, but it’s still a surprise.

Orton looks in the mirror, and his face melts. I guess the brown acid really IS bad. Back to the All-Star Panel. Lawler says it’s a sad day in Cleveland. Yeah, I saw that Browns game too.

Time for the buffer match. Naomi fills in for Becky Lynch to take on Alexa Bliss. I don’t see this stealing the show, but I’d love to be wrong.

Naomi pins Alexa. Alexa throws a temper tantrum. We have a month until Becky’s title defense, so this has to play out.

Ad for Hell In A Cell. Remember all the great Cell matches of the past twenty years? You’re getting Reigns vs. Rusev.

Video package for Orton vs. Wyatt. These are not the best mind games I have ever seen. I can only hope that backstage segment was laying the groundwork for Orton passing out in the aisle…Nope. Guess not.

We’re brawling around ringside. JBL says the story of the match is that Orton seems “off”. Otunga says Orton needs to turn up the intensity. It’s like he’s never seen Randy wrestle.

Now Orton works the back of Wyatt. Hanging DDT. Okay, is this an actual story, or are we dragging this match out? And the lights go out. And there’s Luke Harper. Luke’s the distraction and Bray Wyatt wins with Sister Abigail. Mauro tells us that Harper doesn’t belong here. Otunga tells us you can’t crash a match. They’re both wrong.

Well, that was No Mercy. Not too shabby, with two great matches. Go over to PWTorchLivecast.com and join me and Greg Parks for the postgame show. VIP members, expect the Roundtable in about an hour.