McNEILL’s Live Blog of WWE Extreme Rules 2016!

The following takes place between 7:30 PM and 11:00 PM.  Events occur in real time.

We are LIVE at the McNeill North American Command Center for Extreme Rules 2016 on the WWE Network.  I assure you, this will be EXTREME.

My supper is interrupted by The Dudleys coming to the ring.  The Dudleys claim that once they left for WWE, that was the end of ECW.  Oh, there might have been a few other factors.  Bubba Ray & D-Von are upset about not being booked for the show.  They’re even more upset when Colin Cassidy interrupts them.

Big Cass has fat jokes for Bubba Ray.  This is Extreme!  The Dudleys beat him two on one, until they don’t.  Big Cass says the Dudleys are sawft.  Oh, no, he didn’t!

Guess which recently released wrestler is prominently featured in the new WWE Network spot?

Jojo is ready to interview Mister and Mrs. Maryse.  Maryse gets the truck to cue up dramatic music for Miz’s monologue.  Miz does not close out with “After all, tomorrow is another day”.

Booker says Cesaro reminds him of a wrestler who broke out of the pack and became Intercontinental Champion.  But enough about Cody Rhodes.

Tom Phillips is standing by with Rusev & Lana for #AskRusev.  Here’s a question from @RealPatMcNeill.   “Rusev, can we expect big trouble for moose and squirrel?”

You can tell WWE is on the bleeding edge of the culture by the fake Fort Minor music they bust out for the Reigns vs. Styles video package.

Coming up later tonight on Camp WWE: You’re better off not knowing.

Ziggler vs. Corbin.  Ranallo tells us Baron is looking a start a “Party of Pain” tonight.  Nate Silver immediately gives the Party of Pain candidate a 2% shot at winning the election.

Ranallo tells us the “Lone Wolf” has degree in sociology from Northwest Missouri State.  You know, Mauro, they have kayfabe for a reason.

Corbin hits Ziggler with the Greco-Roman Testicle Crusher followed by the End of Days.  Sorry, Dolph.

Corbin hit Dolph so hard in the balls that Renee Young felt it (Or Dana Brooke, depending on where you’re heading with the joke.)

Let’s get to the main show.

Did You Know?  The WWE Network promo for this show featured ladybugs humping.

Your opening match at #ExtremeRules is a tornado tag match between The Usos and The Fellowship of the X-Ring.

The two teams start brawling outside the ring before the bell.  Cole didn’t even have time to introduce the Romulan announce team.

Some good violence in our opener from the Cartridge Crew, but back come The Usos.  We get a quick round of Everyone Hits A Finisher (Which, by the way, is the best drinking game since “True American”.)

Jimmy misses the top rope splash and gets hit with the Magic Killer.  A big win for the Buckshot Buddies.

If you’re keeping track at home, I’ve already used an LOTR joke, a Star Trek joke, a Bullwinkle joke and a New Girl joke.  You only need one more square for McNeill Liveblog Bingo.

Jimmy misses the top rope splash and gets hit with the Magic Killer.  A big win for the Buckshot Buddies.

If you’re keeping track at home, I’ve already used an LOTR joke, a Star Trek joke, a Bullwinkle joke and a New Girl joke.  You only need one more square for McNeill Liveblog Bingo.

Cole promises that we’ll soon have the worst episode of “Ride Along” ever to hit WWE Network.  Hint: it involves Byron Saxton.

Funaki is one of the international announcers for WWE Network.  I’m told his commentary is poorly overdubbed in Japanese.

Kalisto versus Rusev.  Cole tells us Kalisto has held the United States title for 117 days.  Translation?  He’s toast.

Rusev uses the Torture Rack and JBL compares him to Lex Luger.  Well, that’s not so…Oh.  Babyface Lex Luger.  Them’s fightin’ words.

Kalisto gets a stutter-step start, goes flying and hits Rusev with the What The Hell Was That Supposed To Be?  I don’t think he got all of that.

Kalisto goes up top, but Rusev rallies and catches the champ with a Wow, That Was A Horrible Idea.  Somebody get the medic.

The Accolade finishes it.  Rusev is your United States Champion.  That works.

Tomorrow night, Shane McMahon appears on the WWE Monday Livecast.  Cole follows that up by asking Byron who his favorite Ninja Turtle is.

The New Day vs. The Vaudevillians.  Sheamus isn’t booked for tonight.  He must be on the road promoting that Ninja Turtles movie.

Xavier Woods breaks into the New Day promo to try picking up women via Twitter.  Well, it is safer than Craigslist.

“Byron, you’ve followed the Vaudevillians since they were on NXT.  What do you know about them?”  “I know they’re not over.”

Yes, the New Day hangs on the titles.  Thank goodness.

Backstage, AJ Styles promises Renee Young that he will win tonight.

Here’s an ad for “Money In The Bank”.  I don’t think using Sheamus’s win from last year in the advertising was such a good idea.

Time for an Intercontinental Title Fatal Four Way match.  Why a Fatal Four-Way?  Because WWE saves the six-way matches for WrestleMania.

JBL compares The Miz to Audie Murphy.  Look, if I’m going to Wikipedia, it’s an old reference.  In this case, sixty-one years old.

Owens sees the other three wrestlers in a stacker-up superplex, and he breaks it up to get at Zayn.  I get it, he’s obsessed.  Good work.

Owens tops Cesaro with a series of cannonballs to multiple corners.  Yes, it’s the Cannonball Run!

The Miz is trapped in the Giant Swing.  I’d rather see him trapped in the Giant Ferris Wheel from “1941”, but you can do your own movie joke.

Sami Zayn makes the save for Owens.  The over/under on Sami regretting this decision is 120 seconds.

Somewhere in this mess, Miz pins Cesaro to steal the victory.  Don’t blame me.  I’m not the director who missed the shot.

We go to the All-Star Panel.  Someone in production has been watching SportsCenter.  And only 27 years after it debuted.

We’re up to the Asylum Cage match.  Looks like WWE decorated this structure by going to Weapons ‘n Things at the mall.

The announcers tell us that Jericho’s been in every gimmick match in WWE.  I must have missed Y2J’s trip to the Punjabi Prison.

JBL points out that there’s a barbed wire 2×4 hanging next to a mop and bucket.  Immediately after he says it, both wrestlers go for the mop.

Ambrose gets the nunchucks.  Jericho gets the barbed wire two-by-four.  You know what they say, styles make fights.

We run the gamut of weapons.  Kendo stick, leather strap.  Jericho tries to exit the cage, and discovers the cage door is locked.  You’d think he’d have noticed that sooner.

Fire extinguisher, check.  Straitjacket, check.  I hate to say it, but the crowd is getting restless.  They must think this is a TNA Asylum Cage match.

Ambrose with a clothesline from the top of the cage.  Why, no, that’s not the finish.  Why do you ask?

Dean busts out the bag of thumbtacks.  At least JBL doesn’t call them “toys”.  Then, of course, we get actual chain wrestling.

Short powerbomb by Ambrose onto the tacks.  Then a Dirty Deeds onto the tacks.  Ambrose wins.  Dean does a better job selling the one tack in his elbow than most wrestlers do selling the whole bag.

Still, this was not the four star spectacular we were hoping for.

Two matches to go, and one of them is our submission match. And both wrestlers have submission moves. It’s like a diva revolution or something.

Charlotte and Natalia are doing very well, but this is a difficult spot.  You’re doing submission moves after the fans saw thumbtacks and shiny things.

Natalya has the win until she gets distracted by Dana Brooke.  Yep.  Charlotte hits Natty from behind and locks in the figure eight.  Charlotte wins.

(This screwjob finish is brought to you by Crescent Manufacturing. Since 1960, Crescent has made the finest machine screws, tapping screws and shoulder screws, precision manufactured from 1/16 ti 3 inches. Remember, nobody screws you like Crescent Manufacturing! Well, except for WWE booking.)

Thank you, Silent Rage, but you can also thank my assistant, Captain Obvious.  He helped.

Time for our main event.  Both wrestlers make their way to the ring.  I think the crowd might be slightly in favor of AJ Styles.

No, nobody else is at ringside for this no rules match.  Why do you ask?

Someone should tell the Newark crowd that Reigns can wrestle.  A more accurate chant for Reigns would be something like “We don’t like you”.

Walk and brawl commences, ending with Reigns backdropping AJ through the announce table.  It might be time to cue the Ammunition Alliance.

Uh, oh, AJ with the chopblock to Roman’s knee.  Styles follows up by, well, not targeting the injured knee.  Reigns powerbombs Styles through a different announce table.  Then Reigns goes to spear AJ through the barricade and misses.

That’s okay, because Reigns comes back.  Superman punch.  Spear.  Here comes the Gunpowder Gang!  And here comes the Samoan Facepaint Posse!

Reigns kicks out of the Styles Clash.  Counters.  Second Styles Clash and the Usos make the save.  Now AJ goes all chair happy.  The more chairshots he hits, the more the fans cheer for him.  And then Reigns spears Styles in midair for the win.  Oh, well.  It was fun while it lasted.

The air goes out of the balloon.  And that air gets replaced with helium when Seth Freaking Rollins runs in to beat up Roman.  Standing ovation.  Well, I don’t hate that.

PWTorchLivecast.com call in show at the bottom of the hour.  Roundtable goes up for VIP members when we finish it.  G’night! #ExtremeRules