By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

The highlight video that opens the show makes the point (through the color tones the footage is shown through) that 52 year-old Bret Hart is just old news, while the 64 years-young Vince Mcmahon is what's happening now.

Hornswoggle is driving Carl Edwards' #99 Ford Fusion NASCAR. He waves to the crowd. Edwards comes to the ring with traditional Raw Walkers - the Bella Twins. Shouldn't he be getting ready for the Daytona 500, you know, practicing turning left? He gets chills from being in N'Awlins with World Champs. He plugs the 500 this weekend, and his friend John Cena.

Sheamus comes out at that one. If Edwards doesn't do what he's told, he won't make Daytona.

Lame Duck ECW champion Christian comes down. He's glad NASCAR "is blowing up in Canada since (NON-SEQUITER ALERT) they didn't get that WNBA franchise."

Thankfully Sheamus interrupts. Christian interrupts him back with the obvious tanning booth line since being good-looking as been so important to his own career. Christian says everyone in ECW will be a free agent soon and his peeps seem to miss him on Raw. He wants a match tonight with Sheamus, and Edwards gives it to him.

WWE champion Sheamus faces ECW Champion Christian. Captain Charisma is the best clapper in the business. He knows just what move to hit before he begins clapping his hands to cue the crowd to start paying attention.

And a good thing they do because then Sheamus beats Christian with the Sheamus's Edge.

Poor Shawn Michaels has finally reconsidered this Undertaker thing and is thinking it might be fun to go to WrestleMania for the first time with DeGeneration X, only to be told by his buddy Triple H that he wants to win the Elimination Chamber and go to Mania as WWE Champion. Ouch.

Poor thing.

They show "exclusive Raw footage" of Barista beating up John Cena last week after the show went off the air.

Cody Rhodes congratulates Ted DiBiase on making the Chamber. He points out getting Mark Henry as a qualifier was a better draw than getting John Cena. Randy Orton tells DiBiase he'll be facing Cena tonight (if Batista doesn't interfere so DiBiase wins, well...).

Orton then thanks Rhodes for his effort in trying to help him win the WWE Title at the Royal Rumble, so you know Rhodes is going to get it. Sure enough, it turns out Rhodes has to face Orton tonight.

C.M. Punk & Luke Gallows (w/Serena) face DeGeneration X face The Miz & Big Show. C.M. Punk makes his "Mardi Gras Straight Edge is Better Than You" speech. He wants to save Jared from Subway, who is at ringside. He wants the guy to be the spokesman for the Straight Edge Society (I thought that was Punk) and raise his hand to accept C.M. Punk to be his savior. He sends Gallows and Serena to get Jared, but the DeGenerates save Subway. This is one twisted kiddie show.

Shawn Michaels shows signs of clinical depression. Show was unfairly fined for accidentally striking a referee last week (only because Kofi Kingston scratched him in the eyeballs). Teddy Long takes a seat next to the announce table.

This is a pretty entertaining mix of characters. Shawn Michaels superkicks Punk to get rid of the Straight Edge Society. Maybe that will cheer him up.

Not so fast. Show clotheslines him and seems to give the poor little guy a concussion. Miz and Show beat on him for a while. Triple H finally gets the hot tag and he beats up both foes. Michaels tries to steal a tag from him, they argue, and Miz smashes Michaels into Triple H and rolls him up for the win. Miz and Show are the new unified tag team champions.

Upon realizing he was just pinned by the Miz, Shawn Michaels announces his immediate retirement from sports entertainment. WWE plays "Leave the Memories Alone" as a teary-eyed Marty Janetty appears to hug Michaels on the ramp.

Show points out to Chris Jericho that he and Miz beat DX on the first try, and Jerishow never beat them. Clever.

Shawn Michaels follows in his hero's footstep and immediately begins to second-guess his retiement. He wants Teddy Long to put him in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber. When he realizes Long would rather keep R-Truth than have him, he superkicks him and walks down the hall to call Dixie Carter.

Gail Kim wins a match. Maryse comes in to tell her she just wants to have the best match of her life at the EC pay-per-view. She then curses her out in French, I guess; I wasn't much good in high school French.

"The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase is the first inductee into this year's WWE Hall of Fame. Accordingly, Virgil will have a card table set up to sign autographs in the lobby.

I'm thinking Shawn Michaels is next week's inductee.

Santino does his Santino thing with Edwards and Jared. Maybe Jared can be Santino's next door neighbor on that new sit-com.

I wonder if Jamie Dundee, the Batten Twins and Harry White will be coming with Jerry Springer to Raw next week.

Randy Orton faces Cody Rhodes. Nobody believes the sub has a chance against the dom. (I have to say, not exactly my favorite storyline type, either.)

Sheamus appears. Orton is distracted and Cody Rhodes hits the Cross Rhodes for the win. Michael Cole, by the way, sucks. He couldn't get excited at his own honeymoon. He should be yelling energetically at this upset, even if the fans aren't.

The opportunistic Sheamus kicks Orton in the head, but a sub is a sub, and so Rhodes chases him off.

John Cena beats up Ted DiBiase and makes him tap in thirty seconds, only it's outside the ring. I guess DiBiase will have to wait until next week for that big career elevation.

John Cena came to fight Dave Batista. That makes sense. "Batista, why don't you come out and finish the job?"

I bet the great Bill Withers is thrilled to have his music plug a satanic video game.

No Batista. Cena figures out Batista attacked him as "a business decision. I have a feeling Vince McMahon is behind all this."

And they cast Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes.

Vince McMahon comes to the ring with ten security guards.

After some of the usual sacrilege, he admits he hired Batista to attack Bret Hart, not you Cena.

Wait, Vince McMahon watched "Clutch Cargo"?

Cena does some serious over-acting, even for pro wrestling, passionately declaring he does it for moments like shamelessly plugging the Saints in Louisiana right now.

Cena talked to Bret last week. Bret wants one more match - with Vince McMahon.

Whattaya say, Vince?

I really don't think Bret wants any part of this.

"Yes or No?"

"Shut up! I'll tell you to your face! Yes! Yes! Yes!"

Cena leaves and McMahon then addresses Bret Hart up in Calgary, showing the footage of him spitting on Bret again.

Bret Hart comes out of the crowd and beats up McMahon. This time the fans pop big. Security helps McMahon escape. He tells Bret, "I've changed my mind. The answer is no! Why? Because you deserve to be screwed!"

Bret tears up the monitors at ringside. What, again?

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