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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MITCHELL: Mojo Mitchell's 2/1 Raw Stream of The Return of Captain Kirk, The Green Goblin, and The Lonesome Dove

Feb 1, 2010 - 10:50:45 PM
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By Bruce Mitchell, Torch columnist

They start with a freeze-frame of the late Jack Brisco.

He's back! Edge is back in the main event of WrestleMania. Michael Cole makes the point that Edge is the ultimate opportunist, having used Money in The Bank to get the world title twice. Edge blames his old tag partner Chris Jericho at The Slammies for inspiring him to make a vow that he wouldn't miss another WrestleMania due to injury, as he had twice before. He rehabbed harder than he ever had before, and that, as John Cena proved two years ago, is the best path to Royal Rumble winnings.

Sheamus arrives. Edge calls him Ronald McDonald. That one was inevitable. If he can beat John Cena and Randy Orton, fella, he won't sweat Edge. He gives Edge an opportunity to walk out in one piece or he'll put him on the shelf for good. He cheapshots Edge, but Edge makes his own comeback and spears Sheamus.

John Cena faces Cody Rhodes in an Elimination Chamber qualifier. There's a big Cena chant to start. Cena plows through Rhodes with no trouble to make the Chamber.

Mr. McMahon doubts Bret Hart will show up tonight. I guess that's that. Then McMahon is mad William Shatner took his office. Set your Tivo, kids, it's two of the great hambones of the modern age face to face. Shatner can't wait for Bret Hart to embarrass McMahon tonight. It's kind of disappointing, although Shatner threw in one of his trademark pauses.

Jack Swagger got a little cocky and so suffered a shocking loss to Triple H and missed his chance to compete in the Elimination Chamber.

Shatner does his campy in-on-his-own-joke recitation of lyrics, only this time to WWE themes, since WWE is releasing yet another theme collection. They know the score, since they're charging all of $3.99 this time.

Hornswoggle is back to cheer up Shawn Michaels, after he lost the Rumble and his chance to face the Undertaker at WrestleMania. Triple H laughs off his DX buddy eliminating him. Triple H tells him to get himself back together. Triple H says Shawn needs to get in the Elimination Chamber, then the two can tear down the house at 'Mania.

Speaking of that, Cena and the Game get tomato cans. Randy Orton and Shawn Michaels get each other. Michaels kips up, Orton rolls up, and Orton gets the EC spot.

That settles it. Shawn Michaels doesn't deserve another shot at the Undertaker at WrestleMania. Maybe he can win the Money in the Bank match and face Undertaker at WM37 (if he's still champ.) Luckily for Michaels, wins and losses don't count in professional wrestling.

Randy Orton gives Ted DiBiase the stink-eye again. After he leaves Ted DiBiase furrows his brow. I can see how he got the lead in that movie.

DiBiase faces Mark Henry in an EC qualifier. That's interesting, because they're not putting Henry in this year's Chamber, so maybe they're actually going through with breaking DiBiase out of Legacy. DiBiase bounces off Henry to the general disinterest of the Tennessee fans. DiBiase wins when Henry misses a splash in the corner and DiBiase hits the old Divorce Court.

Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole pay tribute to Jack Brisco, the great NWA World Champion. It's the clip from Jack and his brother Jerry's WWE Hall of Fame

Maryse plays nice to Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly. Double K isn't buying it. Maryse talks that French talk to Kim. Gail and Kelly think the whole thing is weird.

Miz and Big Show plot to get T.J. Hooker to give them a tag team title match against DX. C.M. Punk and his cult want the same thing. Miz points out that Punk isn't even on Raw. Good point.

Shatner decides that next week all three teams will wrestle for the title. What's great about Shatner is he clearly has no idea what the words he is saying mean. It's like when Abba used to sing "Dancing Queen" and the rest of their stuff phonetically.

Triple H tries to buck up his little buddy Michaels again. Michaels is the best in wrestling at making the sad face. Hell, he's the only one who does it. Since when is the ability to generate pity the key to getting main events?

Edge is having the Undertaker on his Smackdown Cutting Edge talk show revival Friday night.

Miz sits in as Big Show tosses Kofi Kingston around the ring in their EC qualifier. We'll see here where Kingston really stands. Show is the type they like in these type of matches, but he's old news. Miz gets up to trash talk the prone Kingston until MVP chases him out of the arena.

Kingston completely flubs a dropkick off the top rope on his comeback and the match falls apart for a minute. They actually meant to do this finish, though: Kofi accidentally thumbs Show in the eye, and Show, the heel – mind you, accidentally knocks out the referee because he can't see. Kofi wins by DQ and goes on to the Elimination Chamber. Big Show is rightfully upset. This isn't exactly a ringing endorsement, as it stands, of Kingston.

If Kofi Kingston is a real hero, he'll want to earn what he gets, and so he'll offer Big Show a rematch to settle this issue next week. It's the right thing to do.

We'll see.

William Shatner takes a bump coming into the ring and knocks down his "BFF" Jerry Lawler. I think he did it on purpose; at least he doesn't seem that drunk to me. Shatner only throws in one extra "ever" as he introduces Bret Hart.

Bret starts a little uncertainly. He was a little naive last time, he says. He's not here to make peace, he's here to confront Vince McMahon.

McMahon should come out and sweet talk Bret and then kicks him in the nuts again, you know, like the way Lucy used to do Charlie Brown.

I don't regret anything I've ever done as it regards you, Bret Hart.

You're the world's greatest liar, Vince McMahon. A father to me? You couldn't lace up my father's jockstrap.

"Sometime I'd get out of that wheelchair, I promised myself, and I'd never feel pathetic again. You kicked me in the gut and left me feeling pathetic again. I wrestled for 14 years and told myself someday Vince McMahon would appreciate me. Boy, was I wrong. This stick of gum (he's losing the crows) has just enough flavor to kick your ass one more time right here."

McMahon goes through all of Hart's catch-phrases and makes faces. "Canadian Hero? You're not a hero to anyone. I have no idea what these people see in you. I think you're pathetic. You have absolutely zero personality. If it wasn't for Mr. Perfect, or Shawn Michaels, or 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, you'd be lost in the middle of the card." McMahon continues to mock his act.

It's like most of the crowd knows this is supposed to be important, after all there's Mr. McMahon up there, but they're not sure why.

"Bret, you deserve to be screwed. I've rethought Stu Hart going into the Hall of Fame. He's not going in because he doesn't deserve it."

Bret beats down Vince (and it's ugly; Shatner took the better bump of the two) and is about to put him in the Sharpshooter when Batista attacks Hart from behind. Batista holds Bret while Vince spits on him.

The crowd understands and chants for John Cena to make the save. It looks like it's Batista & Vince McMahon versus John Cena & Bret Hart at WrestleMania.


We suggest these recent related articles...
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 10 (2000): Titled “Death of Hardcore” as Bruce discusses the apparent end of the Hardcore Wrestling era and also suggests what ECW must do to regain relevance
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 9 (1999): Titled “Children” as Bruce discusses Vince McMahon's marketing approach toward children and how he deals with controversy like a child would (with a great opening line)
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era
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