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MITCHELL'S TAKE
MITCHELL: Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of You Could Have Just Watched The First Segment and Called It a Night

Jan 22, 2010 - 11:30:17 AM
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By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

This is that night of the year where Vince McMahon pretends that Martin Luther King is one of his heroes.

We start with Mr. McMahon. It takes a man to wear a pink tie. Life is about decisions, like bringing Raw to this god-forsaken community (Tennessee) or making sure Bret Hart would never appear anywhere in the WWE. I did it for you. You want to remember Bret for the way he was, the Excellence of Execution, not the way he is, a humble warhorse.

"It's my job to put them down (them?). You chew them up, they lose their flavor, you spit them out."

"You people are hypocrites. You want more, more, more. You made the decision to kick Bret Hart."

The Undertaker appears on the ramp, then comes down to the ring with Mr. McMahon.

"The way I see it, it's my time now."

He came down to address Shawn Michaels's challenge, "but I came to address something you won't admit. I was there twelve years ago in Montreal. I saw the fear in your eyes then, and I see the fear in your eyes now. You screwed Bret Hart twice and now you're terrified of the consequences. What you did was the act of a coward."

That's not said enough in today's pro wrestling, where cheapshots of all kinds are just expected.

A shaken McMahon leaves. Taker makes a speech. He wanted to answer Michaels's challenge personally.

Shawn Michaels comes down. They face off. He's anxiously waiting for Taker's answer.

Taker tells him he came closer than all the others, but he still failed. "A rematch will only end in bitter disappointment for yourself. I have nothing to prove. My anser is no."

Can't say that I blame him...

Taker: "If you're truly convinced you can beat me I'll give you that opportunity tonight."

"No. When I beat you it's going to be on the grandest stage of them all. I realize what I have to do. I'm going to enter the Royal Rumble and when I win, and believe me I will, I'm going to face you."

"Winning the Royal Rumble, Shawn, is your only chance at Salvation."

"At WrestleMania, Undertaker, your streak, your title, and your soul will be mine."

That was tremendous, a model for how you build anticipation for a big match at a big show.

Sheamus wrestles Evan Bourne again, this time while challenger Randy Orton "slithers" towards the ring. Bourne does get a strong two count. Sheamus wins. Orton gets in the ring and gives him a mean look. Sheamus holds the WWE Title over his head and leaves the ring.

Don Johnson greets DX backstage. He's looking for Jon Heder. Don Johnson in HD. No thanks.

Carlito is dressed like Napoleon Dynamite for no real reason. I guess Triple H had an "incident" with Heder. I forgot about it.

Jack Swagger complains about Santino Morella beating him at his own Rumble challenge. Morella turns up dressed like Sonny Crockett. He sends Mark Henry to take the challenge for him. Henry presses Swagger over his head and tosses him out of the ring at the first opportunity.

Jon Heder arrives with the Bella Twins. He tells someone in the limo to hang back. He's collecting Don Johnson and heading to the ring.

Don Johnson and Jon Heder announce the main event: DX against... it's not working for Heder, he wants something new. After all, they're from Southern California, they got this new football coach, (Booooooo!) Heder brings out The Miz.

Miz tells Johnson back in the day he was, as Sonny Crockett, what Miz is today. He says MVP is the forgotten Tubbs to his Crockett.

MVP is on the ramp. Apparently this is one of those mid-card celebrity guest hosts nights. MVP says if he does nothing else at the Rumble, he's tossing Miz out. Big Show arrives as MVP heads to the ring and knocks him out. He was invited as an insurance policy by Heder. He wants to celebrate with his new friends. Johnson leaves. Heder makes DX versus Big Show & Miz our main event, because, as you know, anybody can be a wrestler.

John Cena, who will be in the Rumble, teams with Kofi Kingston to face Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase. Kofi puns DiBiase for the crowd-pleasing win. There's a little dissension among the losers.

Hornswoggle interrupts Miz, Show, and Heder. Triple H translates for him. HS doesn't like Heder and challenges him to wrestle. Triple H wants to make the main event a six-man tag with Hornswoggle and Heder. "What just happened?" Heder worries.

Maryse & Alicia Fox face Gail Kim & Eve Torres. Eve makes Alicia tap. No, seriously.

Another Jon Heder segment. Show says let us take care of DX, then you tag in for the win. Don Johnson isn't convinced.

Show & Miz present Heder with an old Ric Flair robe with "The Flame" on the back. ("Flame" being another word for "gay.")

Mr. McMahon complains to Triple H. He wants to call out Undertaker next week. What is it with you McMahons? You always have to have the last word. You can't just let anything go. Take out the trash, leave the seat up, does this dress make my butt look big... it never stops. You could have just let Bret go, and we never would have heard from him again. Call him out, you make him a bigger star. Don't, and the world knows you're a coward.

Hornswoggle gets a piggy-back ride from Triple H. I can't believe I wrote that.

Randy Orton faces Chris Masters (w/Eve Torres). There's something wrong when Eve is the third prettiest one in a match. Sheamus comes down to watch. Masters catches Orton in the MasterLock. Jerry Lawler believes he's never seen anyone escape that. Thanks, King. Orton does, plays possum, and then hits the RKO for the win. Sheamus, the devil we don't know, cheapshots Orton with the Sudden Impact and walks out to boos.

Triple H & Shawn Michaels & Hornswoggle take on The Big Show & The Miz & Jon Heder. Heder looks like a thinner Mark Madden in his old Torch picture. Michaels gets what heat there is to get. Don Johnson looks on. Heder tags in to big laughs and does some comedy spots with 'Swoggle. Triple H tags in. Heder runs, but Johnson throws him back in. More shenanigans, and Hornswoggle ends up pinning both Show and Heder to the delight of children everywhere.

After the match, Triple H tells Shawn Michaels he's got to figure out another way to get to the championship. "It's not going to work." It looks like DX might split, but John Cena interrupts. He announces he's going to be in the Rumble for the first time in two years. It would be even more of a shock if Michael Cole hadn't told us the same thing an hour ago. Big Show is in, too. Show knocks DX down, but Cena throws him over the top rope. DX throws out Cena. Triple H throws out Michaels. "It's not going to work out because I'm going to win the Royal Rumble!"

Raw now has credits that let us know it was shot on location in Knoxville, Tennessee. Who do they think they're fooling? Hell, why not list all the sports entertainers' real names? "Tonight the role of Chris Jericho was played by Mike Mizanin." Isn't it time Kevin Dunn got the credit he deserves?

There was nothing wrong with the rest of the show, if you like Raw as celebrity DX fun time, but the first segment was a model for how you build interest in not one, but two pay-per-views.


We suggest these recent related articles...
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 10 (2000): Titled “Death of Hardcore” as Bruce discusses the apparent end of the Hardcore Wrestling era and also suggests what ECW must do to regain relevance
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 9 (1999): Titled “Children” as Bruce discusses Vince McMahon's marketing approach toward children and how he deals with controversy like a child would (with a great opening line)
25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era
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