By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

(Warning: In case you DVR'd it, there's a mid-game MNF score spoiler in here...)

Man, I'm jacked.

It doesn't get any bigger than Unbeaten versus The Evil Empire in what could very well be a Monday Night preview of the biggest showdown of them all…

But no, I'll be watching two hours and seven minutes of stale short jokes from people who really do think little people are children and are hoping against hope that Verne Troyer will tell Lorne Michaels all about them and they can get up out of this squirrel's nest.

We start with Jerishow. Chris Jericho is going to expose DX for frauds. He has a pointer in his hand and is now showing a Power-Point presentation of WWE's pay-per-view buyrates for the past twelve months. It's dry, but the guy has a point.

There's no denying the numbers. No one in the history of WWE has been pushed any harder than Triple H and DX has in the last year - not Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin, The Rock or Lex Luger - and the numbers continue to fall.

DX with the rebuttal. Like I said, the Power-Point is a little dull.

I have to say, the son in law and the most tenured talent in the industry claiming to lead a "revolution" is a little much. Twelve minutes in, and we learn that DX is facing Jerishow for the tag belts in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match at the pay-per-view.

DX then tells Jericho when Jerishow loses the titles Jericho has to go back to Smackdown, because only the champs can cross over the brands.

I'm surprised Jericho doesn't lie down for the pin right away, as much as he wants to stay away from Hunter and his Hunter crap.

Hunter, for one, can't wait. He wants Jericho tonight in the ring. Say no, Chris.

"I accept - on one condition. The loser faces the whole team next week in a handicap match." Okay, that wasn't an exact quote, but you get the picture.

Divas champ Melina & Gail Kim face Maryse & Jillian Hall. Someone get Maryse to say "Trojan Horse" again. Maryse pins Melina.

Sheamus bullies the mic away from the Unknown Ring Announcer. He tells John Cena he can pin or submit him, but he doesn't have to; all he has to do to win the title is put Cena through a table, and he's already done that.

Santino Marella wants to know if Sheamus is overlooking him. (Their match is next.) Marella makes fun of him. Sheamus stomps him flat and ends up throwing him through a table.

That makes sense.

Big Show walks past Verne Troyer. Get it?

Verne Troyer, our guest host tonight, is out. His friend Seth Green had fun, so he thought he would, too. Yeah, but what about my fun?

He doesn't like The Miz. The Miz comes out and is mean to him. Miz threatens to kick Troyer like a football. Whoops. America checks the score: Saints 17, Patriots 10.

This is so bad Miz just about turns bayface.

Troyer makes a match: The Miz faces Mark Henry.

Hey, where's the part where the celebrity, Troyer, poses with his heroes, DX?

Kofi Kingston faces Randy Orton. They've got to be kidding.

I guess they were. Cody Rhodes kicks Kofi's ass. He can barely walk after being thrown into the steel ring-steps.

He wants the match with Orton anyway. I guess they're not kidding.

Oh wait, they are. Ted DiBiase kicks Kofi's ass. Doesn't this guy have any friends?

No, they're not. Kofi Kingston faces Randy Orton. Randy Orton kicks Kofi's ass. The crowd is so incensed by the unfairness of it all they cheer when Orton pins Kofi clean with the RKO.

Oh, and then Randy Orton kicks Kofi's ass. Now, the referee says that's enough. The crowd does chant, "Randy Sucks."

MVP plays video games with Verne Troyer. What, they can't get the game?

Mark Henry falls on Jillian Hall while she's singing. Verne Troyer thinks she's dead. A laugh riot.

John Cena is all clenched up. Allow him to retort. He's still champion. If he needs a re-match, he'll use it at Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Hey, how about just beating the guy the first time?

Cena declares tonight it's Sheamus versus Cena for the World Title. He gets Carlito. I guess Sheamus is taking a nap. Carlito tells Cena nobody likes him hogging the spotlight. If this is reverse psychology, I have to say, it's stupid.

Cena should just tell Carlito all he has to do to be champion is pin him.

Cena tells him "step up," then ruins it by keeping on talking. He shuts up long enough to FU him.

You see, all you whiners are really Carlito.

Sheamus is on the ramp, but decides he wants to get paid to wrestle in the main event.

Verne Troyer intros MVP and Mark Henry. MVP says The Miz is wrong, Mark Henry does have a personality. Mark Henry is about to rock the mic. I remember when Ken Patera was the World's Strongest Man. He didn't have to prove he had a personality, because he had one – he was an asshole.

To be fair, Mark Henry is better than P.N. News.

He's also better than The Miz. The Divas dance for Verne Troyer.

Chris Jericho faces Triple H and if he wins then Triple H has to face both Chris Jericho and Big Show in a handicap match next week on Raw and get beat up (maybe), but if Triple H wins, then Chris Jericho has to face Triple H and Shawn Michaels next week and get beat up (maybe), and if you want to know what's wrong with today's professional wrestling, well, there you have it all in one long sentence.

"Awesome match," a relaxed Shawn Michaels notes.

Big Show isn't relaxed. He knocks Michaels into the apron, then he knocks Triple H out behind the ref's back.

Shawn Michaels recovers in time to SCM Jericho as the ref throws out Show, so the ref throws him out too.

After a long count, both contestants recover long enough to trade nearfalls, then Triple H rolls up Jericho for the win.

What, you thought Triple H was putting over the likes of Chris Jericho?

On the other hand, there were fewer short jokes tonight than I figured.

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25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 9 (1999): Titled “Children” as Bruce discusses Vince McMahon's marketing approach toward children and how he deals with controversy like a child would (with a great opening line)

25 YEARS OF BRUCE MITCHELL - DAY 8 (1998): “Stolen Moments” - Bruce lays out case for Flair as Greatest of All-Time as he dealt with locker room politics in WCW Nitro era