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CUPACH'S WWE TOTAL DIVAS RECAP 9/1: Divas in Las Vegas leads to another week of lewd programming

Sep 1, 2013 - 10:12:09 PM
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WWE "Total Divas" Recap
September 1, 2013
Episode #6 “Diva Las Vegas”
Aired on E!
Report by Michael Cupach, PWTorch contributor (and Total Divas specialist)


-This week's show starts with JoJo checking out Justin Gabriel and she thinks he is a dish. Chris Jericho and Eva Marie sneak up on her as she is sneaking a peak at him stretching before a match.

-Total Divas opening.

-On Raw, Daniel Bryan is exploding as a top babyface. Backstage, the Divas think that Bryan and Brie are the cutest couple.

-Meanwhile, backstage, JoJo and Justin are caught canoodling and a flashback of JoJo breaking up with her loser boyfriend earlier in the season is shown. Eva thinks that JoJo is single, but not quite ready to mingle! The newbies watch Justin have a match. JoJo lets Eva know that she intends on inviting Justin to their house warming party in a few days.

-At NXT, The Bellas are teaching the Funkadactyls how to work a match. Hahahaha!

-Natalya joins The Bellas and Funkadactyls and things quickly go from how to work a match to how to work a bachelorette party. Natalya then starts bringing the girls and the audience up to speed of her former trainer and current tanning guy hitting on her and trying to break Nattie up with Tyson.

-Nikki Bella shows off her new move at half-speed, but at full-botch. Cameron doesn’t sell and kicks out at one!

-Back at JoJo and Eva Marie’s new pad, Eva bronzes JoJo and they have some real talk about Justin maybe kissing JoJo tonight. Other Divas, Uso, and T.J. Wilson show up to the party. Nikki lets everyone know that in high school Brie’s nickname was “keg killer” and guarantees that “keg killer” will be in Vegas! Also, Bryan doesn’t like Brie drinking, so...drama.

-As the party goes on, Justin Gabriel shows up and JoJo swoons. Natalya talks a little to the Bellas about how T.J. is her only boyfriend and she is his only girlfriend ever. Slowly, the girls talk about their exes while JoJo gives Justin a tour of the place. The cameras catch them making out on the balcony while everyone watches and hoots and hollers at them!

(Commercial)

-JoJo and Justin Gabriel go on a date to the emptiest restaurant in town and Justin jokes about her age that she isn’t old enough to drink. JoJo jibber-jabbers on about her rabbit and how he needs to meet the rabbit and Justin looks like plunging a knife into his thigh just to force a subject change. JoJo has a talking head that she thinks the conversation is going great!

-John Cena and Nikki Bella go purse/European carry-all shopping. Nikki tells John that Nattie has only slept with T.J. and she tells him in a way that is like making fun of them. John doesn’t know how to react, but wants to know her number. He quips that if it is under four digits, he will be fine. Sorry, John.

-Ariane and her boyfriend, Vincent, talk about the bachelorette party in Vegas and he wants to go, but she says nay nay! He argues that she never has time for him and he walks off.

-In Vegas, everyone arrives. Not only are the Divas there, but it turns out that T.J. is there and some of the guys show up to party with him. I see Bryan, Curt Hawkins, Jey Uso, Hornswoggle, and Justin Gabriel. One of The Bellas does a toast to boners and bachelorettes! Ewww.

-Everyone chills at the pool before the festivities starts. While sitting around the pool, Jared sends Nattie a text and she plays along with him, flirting back via text. Nikki tells her that this is wrong. Natalya asks her not to tell a soul about this. On camera. On E!. Let that sink in. I think she likes the attention that Jared gives her that T.J. isn’t giving her. Oh no, I’m giving insight on this mess. Son of a...

(Commercial)

-JoJo and Eva Marie are at the pool having a good time when they see Justin macking on another girl. Oh no he didn’t! JoJo tries to play it off, but I don’t believe that for a second.

-Everyone has some drinks. Nattie does shots and Nikki asks about Brie mode and the “keg killer.” T.J. toasts his fiancee, then the girls leave the guys to go to Chippendales at the Excalibur. I mean, I don’t know where they do their show, I’ve never been.

-At the Chippendales show, the guys shake their stuff for Natalya and drop their drawers. Fortunately, everything is blurred out.

-JoJo is bored because she is 19 and can’t do anything in Vegas. JoJo and Eva Marie go for a walk and out of nowhere they run into Justin Gabriel with yet another girl. JoJo storms off.

(Commercial)

-JoJo and Eva see Justin get into a cab with a random woman of questionable virtues and JoJo is done with that dog. Eva hopes that JoJo learned her lesson, but JoJo admits that she still has feelings for him.

-Back at Party Central, the Divas are getting schmammered and Brie Mode is in full effect! The Bellas and Trinity dance on a little table at a club and the camera has to blur out their funables. Brie then falls off the table, drunk.

-Nattie confides in Brie that she has been texting Jared all night and her phone goes off again. Brie has a heart-to-heart with Natalya about how T.J. is the one she should be with. Natalya is still unsure what to do. I should note that Brie is struggling to string together a coherent sentence and slurs most of her words. “Youse T.J. have been togethrrrr thirteen yoursss.” Well put!

(Commercial)

-Brie heads back to the hotel to be with Bryan. She has a hard time walking, but she gets back at 4:20 a.m. What a great example for the PG kids watching! She can’t work her room key and bangs on the door to get him to let her in. In classic drunk fashion, she thinks that he doesn’t know she is drunk. Brie wants to fool around and tries putting some handcuffs left over from the party on him, but that isn’t his bag.

-Brie and Bryan wake up. She admits to Brie Mode and is hung over. Bryan knew all along, as his first hint was that she tried putting handcuffs on him and she tries to show her bad side when she drinks. Bryan tells her that this is Vegas, it was a bachelorette party, so he is okay with it. Brie feels blessed to be with such a great guy. He then wrestled her out of bed to get up and at 'em.

-At brunch, everyone gets together and Natalya toasts everyone sharing on their good time. Today's drama is Justin sitting next to JoJo like nothing happened. She is confused and awkward. They cut to a quiet chat between the two and JoJo tries to be real and Justin says the age gap is bothering him, so they go their separate ways because she is too young. JoJo doesn’t think the age difference is a big deal, but it isn’t entirely up to her.

(Commercial)

-Back at The Palms, Nikki and Brie are talking in Nikki’s room and Brie sits down next to Nikki’s...ummmm...marital aid? If cursing were ever appropriate, this would be the place for it.

-Trinity goes to Ariane's room and Ari lets her know that Vincent is coming into town. Just like that, he is at the door pounding it down. Vincent is overwhelmed with the room, but Ari doesn’t like his energy level. What a buzzkill. On the other hand, Vincent is acting like he is on something!

-Night Two in Vegas - everyone is going to dinner and a club. At dinner, toasts are made, food is eaten, and shots are had. Nikki toasts to orgasms and boners. I think this show can’t go any lower, then a pornographic cake comes out of the male body. Natalya eats the banana and has fun with it. Meanwhile, Vincent is acting a fool and making it uncomfortable for everyone at the table. Awkward toasts, nude cakes, and creepy Justin Gabriel doesn’t ruin anyone's time, but drunk Vincent does? Whatevs.

(Commercial)

-At the club, everyone is at Ghostbar at The Palms, which is so 2005, by the way. Everyone is dancing and having a grand old time. Vincent orders enough shots to put everyone in a coma. Ariane and Vinny start fighting about his drinking level. I think someone is approaching Brie Mode; look out Bryan! Vincent spills a drink on Ariane and they argue over whether or not it is a big deal. Vincent starts crying over her yelling at him and then the two leave. In the elevator, Vinny is upset that he ruined the night for her and is upset that he messed up. By the time he exits the elevator, he tries convincing her that he isn’t drunk! Classic!

-One by one, everyone leaves the club and Natalya reflects that this weekend has brought her closer with T.J. Texting another man has brought them closer?

Mikes Reax: I can’t really talk about this episode of Total Divas until I talk to the Human Resources Representative at The Torch here. Watching this awful smut has to be illegal or something!

This episode was the biggest cluster-mess of an episode to date. Whether it was drunken boyfriends, kinky Divas, rubber phalluses, or Chippendales, this episode just kept topping itself. Almost everyone on this show showed the worst side of themselves. Natalya went on with flirting with another man while at her own bachelorette party, Nikki made fun of Natalya and T.J.’s “commitment” to each other, Gabriel was portrayed as a dog and a pimp, JoJo is a naïve teenager, Brie is a drunk freak, I can’t say what I want about Vinny without the fear of a libel lawsuit, and I get to witness it all! Awful.

[Torch art credit Grant Gould (c) PWTorch.com]


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