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CUPACH'S WWE TOTAL DIVAS RECAP 8/4 - Week 2: Cena & Bryan vs. the Bellas in a Wood-Cutting contest, more from The Most Unlikeable People You Will Ever Meet

Aug 4, 2013 - 10:46:12 PM
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WWE "Total Divas" Recap
August 4 , 2013
Episode #2 - Aired on E!
By Michael Cupach, PWTorch contributor (and Total Divas specialist)


[Q1]

-No WWE open, no pyro, no Michael Cole welcoming everyone to this week's show. They must be doing this to stay under budget.

-Eva Marie and Jojo are at a random Monday Night Raw watching the action from off-stage in the production area. Fandango comes out and Eva Marie thinks that she could do what the random girl who accompanies him every week could do. Eva says that she is trained in ballet.

-Meanwhile, Trinity and Ariane can’t find anything to wear and start thinking back to WrestleMania. Ariane wants someone new to make their outfits, but Trinity don’t want none o’ that.

-Meanwhile, both Bellas and Bryan are going to John Cena’s place for the weekend. Nikki brags that it is so nice that no one will want to leave. She also suggests that Brie and Daniel Bryan change the sheets after they leave.

-Backstage, the newbies have lunch with Nattie and meet Fandango. Eva Marie pitches that she be his new dancer. After reading my review of Total Divas last week, my sister admitted that she watched the show and commented that Nattie looks like she is 40-years-old; my sister couldn’t believe that Nattie is younger than she was!

-The Road Dogg has a chat with The Bellas and produces the match between Brie and Trinity. Nikki has a talking head moment where she describes The Bellas characters as the biggest Yotches in the company, but in real-life they are super sweet. Oh, is she in for the rude awakening after she watches Total Divas! Clearly they don’t come off that way!

-Eva Marie meets with Jane and Marc in Talent Relations about dancing with Fandango. She claims to have ballroom, traditional, and strip club dancing. They love the idea and had no idea that she was trained to do anything.

-Eva, Jojo, and Fandango have a pow-wow in the back and Fandango tells Eva that he will be thinking of her in the shower. Ummm...okay. Eva Marie admits to Jojo what I have thought all along (or at least what I thought since I saw on the “coming up next week on Total Divas” commercial last week) that she doesn’t know how to dance.

(Commercial)

-Brie and Bryan meet Nikki and John on John’s bus and they are heading to John's house in Florida. They take a private plane to Cena’s house and Nikki admits in a superficial way that she no longer wants to travel any other way. To be fair, if I traveled in a private plane I wouldn’t want to go back either. On the plane, Nikki talks down Eva Marie to John because Eva tweeted that she wants to be John's tag team partner. Cena makes the mistake of complimenting Eva, which Nikki did not care for!

-Eva Marie's boyfriend, Jonathan, surprises her at her hotel. JoJo is shocked because Eva has never mentioned a boyfriend ever.

[Q2]

-Jonathan brought her donuts from the West Coast (where he flew in from) and he has a ring in there. He proposes to her and she accepts. Nothing says romantic like proposing in a room at a Super 8!

-Ariane and her boyfriend are driving to the next show when she calls a new seamster (is that the male version of a seamstress?) and puts together a new costume for her.

-In Tampa, the gang arrives at John’s house. Bryan and Brie wake up and are taken aback by the extravagant lifestyle John lives. They go on a tour and Bryan and Brie can’t believe how big everything is and how the guest house is bigger than Bryan's house in Aberdeen, Washington. The girls take one of John's cars for a ride, and Brie admits that if she is pulled over in a car that isn’t hers, she will show her cans to the cop to get out of the ticket. What a sweet girl.

-Eva Marie’s fiancée heads back to the West Coast and Eva prepares to be Fandango's dancer. She admits that she will pull out all stops to wow him and get the spot, so she goes on a date with Fandango and takes off her ring.

(Commercial)

-In Tampa, everyone swims in John Cena’s pool that is bigger than my entire house. Brie feels like she is in a rap video with the bikinis and Cristal. Which isn't a stretch from their pre-WWE careers when they were the Garcia Twins. (Wait, this show is breaking kayfabe, right? So, why are they referred to as the Bellas? Moving on...)

-Ariane meets with Michael, the designer, and she loves what he made for her. She thinks she will have a "hotass" outfit for once.

-Eva Marie and Fandango meet for dinner at a restaurant that looks like it is in a mall. The two flirt a little and then Eva flat out tells him that she will do whatever he wants to be his dancer. She then lies about her dance training and digs her grave even deeper. Fandango invites her out to the club with the rest of the boys later, and she accepts the invite.

-At the club, she is starting to think that she is in a weird spot with him. Fandango hits on her to the point that she starts to feel uncomfortable.

[Q3]

(Commercial)

-In Tampa, everyone heads back on John’s plane where they are flying to Aberdeen to stay at Bryan's place. On the plane, they come up with a guys versus girls wood-chopping contest. If the girls win, they get an intimate massage once a week.

-In Aberdeen they get in Bryan's car and drive to his place. They portray him as such a poor dirt farmer that I am surprised they don’t take the bus. When they get there, Nikki feels bad for Brie because the house isn’t nice. Turns out it is Bryan's childhood home they are in. John and The Bellas have a quiet conversation about suggesting changes to the house to make it modern. They don’t know how Bryan will take the suggestions.

-Trinity takes a phone call from Ariane about the new clothes and Trinity is concerned that her booty might not fit in the new shorts.

1 - WWE champion JOHN CENA & BRYAN DANIELSON (OR IS IT DANIEL BRYAN ON THIS SHOW?!) vs. THE BELLA TWINS (OR IS IT THE GARCIA TWINS ON THIS SHOW?!) – non-title Wood-Chopping Contest

Nikki and Brie cut 24 pieces of wood in three minutes. When John and Bryan go to chop wood, the Bellas bend over in front of them to distract them. Bryan takes his time cutting the wood and costs his team the match. He wanted to cut one piece to tie it up, instead he cut zero.

WINNERS: The Bella Twins via cleavage in 6:00.

-Brie and Nikki go into town to shop and Brie admits that she is a California girl and unsure if she will fit in where he lives. She has serious doubts about sacrificing so much for him. Nikki tells her that she will not be happy living here and that his childhood house needs to be bulldozed! Have I mentioned what a sweetheart the Bellas are in real-life and nothing like their characters? They both want tons of wine before going back to the house.

(Commercial)

-At Raw, Eva Marie is ready for her try-out with Fandango. Time to pay the piper! Much like when George Costanza took Susan Ross’s parents to see his house and horses in the Hamptons, Eva Marie is going all the way with her lie, too!

[Q4]

-Eva Marie meets with the other Divas and breaks the news that she is trying out with Fandango. She asks the Funkadactyls for advice on how to do the splits. They tell her that if she is trained like she says she is, she shouldn’t need help.

(Commercial)

-Try-out time with Eva Marie and Fandango. She just assumes that she will rise above and persevere! Eva dances much like I think I would if I was asked to do ballroom dancing - she has no rhythm and is wooden. The Divas are shocked with how bad she is. Jane storms off pissed off that she was lied to.

-Trinity is wearing her new duds and her poo-ha is hanging out the bottom of the drawers. In fact, “it” is blurred out on TV! The girls go to the old seamstress to fix the booty shorts, but the seamstress refuses to fix someone else's work until she is apologized to. Ariane apologizes without apologizing and Sandra, the seamstress, won’t fix it. Trinity and Ariane are forced to wear old clothes and Ariane doesn’t like that they lack sexiness. Ariane promises to not piss Sandra off anymore.

-Backstage, Eva Marie meets with Stephanie McMahon. Steph called her an embarrassment to herself and the company. Eva thinks she will be fired and just before Stephanie continues, Total Divas cuts to a break halfway through the action!

(Commercial)

-Back to live action, Stephanie tells her that what she did is not okay, and Eva apologizes for it. Steph asks her what would have happened if they took her for her word and they were live on Raw with that drek. Eva apologizes again. Stephanie tells her that if she does this again, she won’t make it and won’t be back!

Mike's Reax: Total Divas is a good name for this show, but I have a better name for it – “The Most Unlikeable People You Will Ever Meet...and Bryan Danielson.” It is a bit wordy, but it sums the show up. The Bellas are materialistic yotches, Ariane only thinks for herself, Eva Marie is a liar and maybe even an adulterer, John has a cigar room in his house that probably costs more than my house, and then Bryan Danielson seems like a normal guy who is above all this non-sense. Tell me why as a viewer or even as a viewer who has no knowledge of WWE should feel anything but disdain for these people and the ridiculous drama in their lives? “Boy, I hope Eva Marie gets to live her dream on the main roster; who cares that she is ready to jump Fandango’s ignorant bones to get the job and lie to 99 percent of the people in her daily life to live her dream. LOL!” If WWE decides to make this show canon to every other WWE program, the only way this will end is with the Divas division being made up of huge heels and Daniel Bryan as the gullible babyface who let his superficial girlfriend string him along. Oh, and I also didn’t like the emotions and crying, that was yucky.

Thanks for reading, make sure to follow me on Twitter @MJCupach for more wrestling thoughts as I live-tweet during Raw and PPVs. Also, make sure to check out my weekly Smackdown Blog and Main Event recap here on PWTorch.com!

[Torch art credit Travis Beaven (c) PWTorch.com]


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