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MCNEILL'S TAKE
Free Falling: McNEILL previews TNA Slammiversary XII!

Jun 15, 2014 - 5:23:30 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our quarterly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from "Big" John Gaburick, Dave "I Want Wrestling" Lagana or anybody else in Carter Country. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of La Choy brand beef chow mein. La Choy makes Chinese food swing American. Closed captioning for this column is provided by America Online. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over what remains of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Sort of.

TNA Impact Wrestling has a proud tradition of existence dating back to June 2002. Everyone had a good time yesterday at the theme park. The show is Arlington, Texas where TNA (allegedly) drew 5,500 people for Slammiversary X two years ago. Even though the promotion looks like it's booked by meth-addicted chimpanzees, the wrestling will be decent to pretty good, and the crew is going to put in an honest effort. There's plenty of time to point out the promotion's flaw over the next 364.5 days of the year. So, we'll temper our criticism for a bit, and let's wish TNA a happy birthday in their home town.

More on Slammiversary later. Let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on June 2, 1994, World Championship Wrestling taped three episodes of its "WCW Pro" television show at the Georgia Mountains Center in Gainesville, Georgia. One of the featured bouts at this taping saw "Living Legend" Larry Zbyszko defend the WCW Television Title against some guy named Jean Paul Levesque. The late Gordon Solie and Dusty Rhodes had the call.



Here's the main event of this week's episode of TNA Xplosion, and it is a rematch from the "TNA Sacrifice" pay-per-view in April. We take you to the Impact Zone where TNA X Division Champion Seiya Sanada battled Tigre Uno in a non-title match. Jeremy Borash and Mike Tenay are on commentary.



Ten years ago, we saw the 98th NWA-TNA weekly pay-per-view in Nashville. The main event was a flag match where Jerry Lynn, Chris Sabin & Elix Skipper battled Eric Young, Bobby Roode & Petey Williams of Team Canada. The show kicked off with another six-man tag team bout, with 3 Live Kru members Ron Killings, B.G. James & Konnan facing the Elite Guard of Shawn Hernandez, Onyx & Chad Collyer. Really. Mike Tenay and Don West had the call.



Marshall Von Erich & Ross Von Erich in action: Kevin von Erich is slated to be in the corner of his two sons for their pay-per-view debut. Sadly, there is no word on Kevin's niece, Lacey Von Erich. When in doubt, keep it simple. Projection? The Von Erichs wrestle The Bromans. The Menagerie comes to ringside, and Ross Von Erich pins Jessie Godderz off the distraction.

Austin Aries vs. Kenny King: The winner of this bout goes into the main event steel cage match. Does that make sense? Not really. But Aries and King, given enough time, should be a good match. Projection? I like Kenny King and all, but we're talking about the main event of a pay-per-view here. I realize it's 2014, and pay-per-views are supposedly less important than television shows in this era, but come on. Aries wins with the brainbuster to advance to the main event.

Mr. Ken Anderson vs. "Cowboy" James Storm: Sheriff Anderson has been dressing up as James Storm and making fun of him. Because if you're going to rip off WWE storylines, you might as well rip off all WWE storylines, even the ones involving Damien Sandow. Projection? Storm wins with the Last Call, because you shouldn't have cowboys losing in Dallas unless it's December.

Willow Hardy (w/ Joe Abyss) vs. Magnus (w/ Bram Brammerstein): Bram showed up to bring out the nasty, vicious side of Magnus, which is why we saw Magnus take a powder on Impact instead of fighting Abyss. Projection? Hardy with the Swanton Bomb. Next.

Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Lashley: Yes, Joe would make for a better main event, but that would ruin the story of the injured Eric Young having to overcome the odds and vanquish evil. Projection? MVP comes out onto the ramp and distracts Joe. Lashley wins with the Dominator.

Angelina Love vs. Gail Kim (TNA Knockouts Title): When did we jump back in time to 2007? And if we're in 2007, can I still sell my home before the housing bubble bursts? Projection? Madison and Brittany show up at ringside and start arguing, since they're the ones who have an actual storyline. Angelina hits the Lights Out to retain the title.

TNA Hall of Fame announcement: The Hall of Fame nominations go to Kevin Kay, Sharon Levy & Chris Rantamaki of Spike TV. They're the only people keeping this promotion afloat. Or, if you want to induct a wrestler, give it to Jerry Lynn. Everybody likes the guy, and he's actually retired.

Seiya Sanada vs. Crazzy Steve vs. Davey Richards vs. Eddie Edwards vs. Manik vs. Tigre Uno (TNA X Division Title - Ladder Match): It's about time for Sanada to head back to Wrestle-1. TNA just taped an X Division One Night Only show in April with Low-Ki, Rashad Cameron, Trent Baretta and Sonjay Dutt. So, where are they? Projection? A lot of chaotic action, ending with Manik climbing the ladder and becoming the new TNA X Division champ.

Bully Ray vs. Ethan Carter III (Texas Death Match): In modern wrestling, you do a stipulation like this if you want to beat a wrestler without pinning them or having them submit. I guess that's because getting knocked out for a ten count is much more manly than the other options. Projection? Rockstar Spud comes to ringside wearing a suit of armor. Carter hits Bully Ray with the armor-clad Spud and knocks Bully cold. Dixie Carter is at ringside dressed as the timekeeper, but she misses her cue and does not get involved in the finish.

Eric Young vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Austin Aries (TNA World Heavyweight Title - Inside A Cage): The funniest part of Thursday's episode of Impact was when Mike Tenay declared that the steel cage stipulation would prevent outside interference, ignoring everything that's happened in the past dozen TNA cage matches. My best guess is that Tenay and Taz have been taking Gob Bluth's "Forget Me Nows." Projection? Kenny King tries to interfere on behalf of Lashley, but Samoa Joe prevents that. Aries hits Lashley with an IED and Young rolls the big man up for the three count. Yes, the ratings have dropped since Captain Animal Planet won the title, but there's no point in having Young lose tonight.

Aftermath: TNA Bound for Glory takes place in October. My guess is that Lashley beats E.Y. for the title in New York this summer, Bully Ray wins the Bound for Glory Series (We're still doing that, right?) and then we have Lashley vs. Bully in the main event of Bound for Glory.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. You can e-mail him at patmcneill@live.com. He's hoping this promotion doesn't end in a vicious roofie circle.


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