By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill welcomes you to his liveblog of WWE Extreme Rules. Happy Cuatro!:

Welcome to WWE Extreme Rules, which takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic landscape. In other words, we're in New Jersey.

On our VIP panel, Booker T tells us that the steel cage stipulation will either favor John Cena or Bray Wyatt. I can't tell you how much I have missed Booker on commentary.

For the Wee-L-C match, WWE has broken out the Proportionate Dwarf announce team of Micro Cole, Jerry Smaller and WeeBL. I wouldn't be surprised if WWE Creative put more effort into this match than the rest of the show.

Michael Cole critiques the announcers. "It's like Raw. They're not calling the action." Score one for Cole.

Yes, there's a micro referee too. And a three-step stepladder. I hope Hornswoggle and El Torito are ready to do a rematch tomorrow night on Raw.

We get some spectacular bumps. One from Slater. And one from Jinder. And Drew goes through a table to complete the trifecta. El Torito is your winner. This is going to be the most viewed preshow in the history of WWE Network.

Cole and JBL offer the micro announcers the chance to call the rest of the show. I don't know about that, but I'd let Micro Cole and J-B-Elf take over Main Event.

Alex Riley has great hair and never says anything of value. In short, he's the ideal WWE color commentator.

Time for the main show. I'm psyched. The Network is running without a glitch, and I have a perfect HD view of Triple H's ridiculous outfit from WrestleMania.

We get the pay-per-view open, recapping the Cena-Wyatt feud. Cena's worried about Bray's message resonating with the fans. If Bray's message is "Cena Sucks," I'm afraid it's too late for John.

The Izod Center is sold out. Cole tells us there are 15,906 members of the WWE Universe in attendance, plus Green Lantern Fan.

We open with RVD vs. Cesaro vs. Swagger. Swagger & Colter gimmick gets a face reaction. Well, we ARE in Chris Christie country.

Paul Heyman comes out to take credit for Extreme Rules. And, by the way, Brock Lesnar ended The Streak.

You remember earlier this weekend, when WWE told us this would be a Three Way Dance and not a Triple Threat match? Nobody told the announcers.

Paul Heyman and Zeb Colter are having a Twitter war. JBL tells us it's wrong to pull another man's mustache. Yes, that's the little-used Ron Burgundy rule.

Swagger gets eliminated by a Cesaro superplex and a Van Dam frog splash. Yes, it's an elimination match.

You have to give RVD credit for his high-flying style, especially when you remember that it's 2014. RVD misses another frog splash and gets Matterhorned by Cesaro for the victory.

Stephanie McMahon comes into the trainer's room to give Daniel Bryan a pep talk. Brie Bella attacks her and grinds Stephanie's face into the cement floor. Oh, wait, I forgot what show I was watching.

Bo Dallas says you can achieve your dream, whether it's climbing a mountain or knocking up your girlfriend.

Time for the handicap match. Lana dedicates this match to Vladimir Putin, and introduces the man who will splash the pot any time he wants, Alexander Rusev.

R-Truth dedicates this match to Ukraine. Then Rusev runs him over like a Russian coal train. What's up? (What's up!) What's up? (What's up!)

Rusev destroys Xavier on the floor before the match starts, then beats R-Truth clean. Who's he feuding with next? JTG?

"Do you think Vladimir Putin's proud of Rusev?" Don't be silly. Putin's not watching the match. He's getting caught up on "Legends House."

Time for our Intercontinental Title match. Wade Barrett's got some bad news. We're all going to die of the MERS virus. So, I *shouldn't* renew my WWE Network subscription?

Before the match, Lillian Garcia introduces the athletes from "USA Special Olympics USA." Can we get the (proportionate dwarf) ring announcer back?

Barrett busts out Ray Traylor's Bossman Slam. Big E. kicks out. Then Big E. kicks out of Wasteland. Langston tries Samoa Joe's one-armed slam and the Ultimate Warrior splash. Barrett wins with the bullhammer. That's a shame, because I wanted to see them rip off some more wrestlers' moves before they took it home.

Adam Rose shows off his tour bus. It's been completely redone since it was used as the Lex Express.

Earlier tonight, Triple H asked Renee Young "Do you know why they call me the Cerebral Assassin?" Because when you're Vince's son-in-law you get to pick your own nicknames?

The Shield vs. Evolution starts now. *Somebody* is anxious to start the drive to Albany.

The Shield makes its entrance. Michael Cole starts talking about Ric Flair's endorsement of The Shield on Raw. Uh-oh.

JBL says that Evolution is better than ever. Yeah, that 0-3 performance at WrestleMania sold me. Is JBL auditioning for NFL Network?

This is a really good match. Can you excuse me for a few minutes so I can watch? Thanks. If there's one thing The Shield knows, it's how to work a six-man tag team match.

The crowd chants "You can't wrestle" at Batista. Oh, please. Look how well Dave's selling for Roman Reigns.

For the record, I'm okay with the occasional "This is awesome" chant, as long as it's used for something that's actually awesome.

The Shield and Evolution brawl out into the crowd, so security swarms all over them to keep the action away from the...Oh wait. That ain't happening.

Roman survives the onslaught, hits the Superman punch and beats Batista, after Seth hits a crazy dive onto the concourse. That was exactly what it needed to be.

The Number One worldwide trend on Twitter right now is #TeamDemiLovato...I mean, #ExtremeRules.

Time for John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt. There's real heat behind both ring entrances, but the match gets off to a slow start. Cena gets the advantage and races to escape the cage. You know, like John Wayne used to do it.

Cena wants to escape the cage, but Rowan and Harper are waiting to block him on the outside. Which isn't a problem, because Cena can win by pinfall or submission, and he's defeated Bray before. Right?

Rowan tries to prevent Cena from walking out the cage door, but Cena engages in a test of strength with him, and they fight over the cage door. Yeah, this makes Cena look kind of silly.

So does this. Cena pulls Luke Harper into the cage. Cena tries to pull Rowan into the cage with the others, but Rowan is too smart for that.

It's a good thing John Cena has no friends. Otherwise this match would have ended already.

Cena's about to win when the lights go out. When they come back, Cena is face to face with the (proportionate dwarf) from Twin Peaks.

No, I'm kidding. Cena is blocked from exiting the cage by...Tyler Fullington? Shouldn't he have grown up by now? Okay, it's another creepy kid. The distraction enables Bray to hit his finisher for the win.

That was a disappointing main event, but we had a good...Wait. What do you MEAN, there's two more matches?

WWE Slam City asks "What would WWE superstars do if they were fired?" Other than signing with TNA, of course.

It's Paige vs. Tamina Snuka for the Divas title. We quickly establish that Tamina would turn Paige into a grease spot if this were an actual fight. We also establish that the live crowd doesn't much care.

Don't worry. Paige comes back and wins with the scorpion crosshold. Nice work.

Backstage, the Wyatts introduce us to Little Johnny, their favorite child singer. I can't wait until Raw, when Little Johnny gets to meet Little Jimmy.

Time for our main event. We see the video package, where Stephanie McMahon was unable to control Kane. Bad Kane! Bad Demon! No Monster Treats for you!

It's :20 after the hour. Ring introductions. That means this bout will go longer than any Kane match should ever last.

Kane hits Daniel Bryan with some stuff. Daniel Bryan uses a kendo stick, and Kane uses Bryan to break some more stuff. The crowd is quiet, but they're poised for the inevitable rally.

The two wrestlers brawl to the gorilla position, and Mike Chioda tries to get Kane to take it back to the ring. Bad Kane! Bad Demon!

Daniel Bryan knocks Kane out with a tire iron. (I like that part.) But he can't drag Kane to the ring. So he puts Kane on a forklift.

Daniel Bryan can drive a forklift. Boy, that wrestling school Shawn Michaels ran was THOROUGH.

Of course, after all that, Kane kicks out. If this were WCW, Bryan would win with an inside cradle. Bryan hits a bunch of chairshots to the back, but Kane survives.

Kane puts Daniel through the announce table. Then he gets another table. And some gasoline. Wait. Why does the ring crew keep gasoline under the ring?

The table's on fire. Kane gets knocked through it. He jumps to his feet with an expression that says "I regret agreeing to that spot." Kane stumbles right into the running knee, and Daniel Bryan is your winner. Good deal.

Well, that does it for this blog. Thanks for reading. Now go check out James and Greg doing the postgame show on PWTorchLivecast.com. VIP members, your Roundtable will be ready in about...oh, 75 minutes or so. Good night!

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