By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill welcomes you people to WrestleMania 30, and his ongoing blogtastic coverage:

Did Caldwell really sit through the entire preshow? I'm surprised his review hasn't degenerated into "redrum redrum redrum" by now.

Michael Cole has already said "it's going to be that kind of night." I believe him.

We invite you to join tonight's #WrestleMania conversation by using the hashtag #ThanksForNotMentioningThatMurderThingAroundCarlosColon.

Oh, yeah, the tag team title match is in the ring. The Real Americans have just destroyed, I mean *destroyed* Los Matadores & Team Rybaxel, and we're down to them against the Usos. Good start.

And the Usos hit Cesaro with the double superkick/Double splash combo and keep the titles. That teach him to get over without permission.

Zeb Colter finally figures out that Cesaro's a foreigner, and blames him for the loss. Cesaro beats up Jack Swagger and leaves. I hope the fans can respect Cesaro now that he's turned babyface. (Dear Lord, what *am* I typing?)

Back at our All-Star Panel, Trish Stratus reviews Lita's dress from last night's WWE Hall of Fame. (Dear Lord, what *am* I watching?)

Alex Riley, when asked what he's looking forward to tonight, says "Triple H's ring entrance." This man will be employed for the next twenty years.

The pay-per-view feed is about a minute ahead of the WWE Network feed. For now, anyway.

And...the Network goes dark. Man down! Man down! I hope this is only happening for me and not for everyone else.

For those of you struggling with the WWE Network feed, the ENTIRE SHOW has been moved to the Silverdome. Okay, the Network's back. Steve Austin is in the ring with Hulk Hogan, and nobody's been injured. Yet.

Apparently, Hulk Hogan was at WrestleMania X. Now they're just screwing with us.

And here comes The Rock! Hogan, Austin & The Rock in the ring at the same time. Must be the opening match. If this were a TNA show, Hogan, Austin & Rock would already have been booked against the BroMans & Zema Ion.

If Ultimate Warrior's music hits now, my face is going to melt off. According to Rock, I'm supposed to be having sex with my wife RIGHT NOW. Crap. She's on the phone.

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H is your opening match. Right now, senior columnist Bruce Mitchell is saying "Told ya!"

Oh, no. It's HER. And she has a microphone.

Either this is Triple H's entrance, or they've digitally remastered "Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn."

Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching the longest running weekly episodic overpushing of a human being in sports entertainment history.

Here's what I love about WWE. Last week on Raw, Daniel Bryan beat the crap out of Triple H, yet *Bryan* is the one selling an injury.

Hey, JBL, Stephanie McMahon is waiting for you to mention how she doesn't look like a mother of three. Get with the program, cowboy.

The action spills to the floor. As you watch this, remember there are people in the business who don't think Bryan's the right guy to headline WrestleMania.

Triple H works the shoulder, then applies the Bob Backlund crossface chicken wing, into the Chris Benoit Crossface.

I give Hunter credit. If I were fighting, and Stephanie were in my corner shouting advice, I might have a few choice words for her.

Bryan counters the crossface into the Yes Lock. (They're different moves. Trust me.)

"This would be the most embarrassing loss of Triple H's career." I WOULD mention the WrestleMania XII deal with Warrior, but according to WWE, that never happened.

This is a hell of a match. Tune in to Total Divas to see the drama when the Divas match gets cut for time. Again.

Boot to the head. And another. And Daniel Bryan pins Triple H. Nothing could possibly spoil...oh, she's back. And Triple H beats up Daniel Bryan and leaves him laying. But Bryan's in the main event of WrestleMania!

You know what the big storyline of the night calls for? Right. A Mountain Dew commercial!

Time for The Shield vs. The Authority. With the backlight and that walk of his, Kane looks like he just staggered out of O Bar.

The Shield destroys the bad guys in short order. While I enjoyed the match, I would have been okay watching Reigns beat up all three heels while Ambrose & Rollins played gin rummy in the corner.

Finally, a WrestleMania skit. Thanks to on-demand programming, you can skip ahead to the part where Ron Simmons says "Damn!"

It's time for the Andre The Giant Memorial Abandon Ship Battle Royal. Come on, folks, get eliminated. We have thumb wrestling toys to sell.

Big Show tosses Mark Henry. These other guys need to work together. Big Show's not going to eliminate himself. Cesaro is doing double duty.

Breaking News: We have a David Otunga sighting!

I liked Big Show holding R-Truth up in a military press while R-Truth asked for a nice landing spot. "Okay. A little to the left. One step forward...Drop me there!"

Kofi Kingston almost gets eliminated, but pulls a Kofi and keeps both feet on the ring steps. Very nice.

"Andre's looking down and smiling." No, Andre's drinking with Lou Thesz, and doesn't have time for Kofi dancing on the ring steps.

Holy cow! Cesaro slammed Big Show over the top rope to win the battle royal. So far, this has been an incredibly happy WrestleMania.

Here at ringside, we have the French announce team! And the Spanish announce team! And Power Uti & Kamala, the Deepest Darkest Africa announce team!

(Okay, if you didn't grow up on Kamala squash matches, that might have sounded racist. Sorry.)

It's that Bray Wyatt/Eminem mashup again.

We have steel drums and fire dancers. It must be time for Jonny Fairplay's ring entrance. Nope, it's Bray Wyatt and the Wyatt Family, with a band playing their music live. You know, the Wyatts should bring their band to the ring with them every week on Raw. And John Popper, if he's not busy.

Here comes Cena. So Bray gets all that, and Cena has to walk to the ring with his lime green wristbands? Awkward.

"After twelve years, we know what John Cena is all about." What IS he all about? Pre-nuptial agreements?

They're struggling a bit here. Bray is too methodical for the WWE main event style. (No, I can't believe I typed that either. What IS it tonight?)

The beauty of WWE Network? It's on my tablet. When I need to use the bathroom, I can watch John Cena while I pee. Er...let me rephrase that.

Cena goes for a rana off the top rope. That looked like a bad idea even before I started typing.

The crowd is trying to get a "He's got the whole world in his hands" chant going for Bray. That's almost as long as Daniel Bryan's "You're gonna get your f---ing head kicked in" chant from Ring of Honor.

Bray Wyatt kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment. Well, it *is* WrestleMania.

Bray hands Cena a chair, daring him to violate the WWE concussion policy. He won't do it. Cena counters Sister Abigail into the Attitude Adjustment, and this time it works. Cena wins. Still an all-babyface show.

Last night, at the WWE Hall of Fame, people who never should have been near a live microphone got to make unedited speeches.

The Fink introduces the 2014 WWE Hall of Fame inductees, headlined by the Right Reverend Jim Ignatowski.

Next up, Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar. Our all-time legend can beat your former UFC Champion, especially if we book it that way.
Undertaker's wearing the hat. That's more like it.

Yes, the pay-per-view feed is still running ahead of the WWE Network feed.

The lights come up, and we learn that Undertaker is the newest member of the Three Amigos. (Come on. I can't be the only person who saw that film.)

It is a slugfest. Brock gets pounded at the start, but all of Lesnar's fights start that way, even the UFC ones.

I like that JBL, the heel, remembers he fought with 'Taker in WWE, and to mention that the Dead Man is pretty scary.

Either the crowd is in awe, seeing these two legends in the ring together, or no one believes Lesnar has a shot of winning.

Breaking News: There's a different actor playing Daario. Oops. Sorry, wrong blog.

Shouldn't Herb Dean be standing these guys up by now? Hold on. Taker's going Old School. Whoops, no he isn't.

And, the wheel on the screen goes round and round, round and round. Curse you, WWE Network.

And we're back...and... Holy hell, that just happened! The live crowd's like "Wait! Go back and show that again!" Brock Lesnar just beat the Undertaker. And...the circle started spinning again.

The Undertaker is getting an ovation. And he richly deserves it. This part feels very sad. This is the end of an era. Like Ric Flair's second retirement match.

Some guy on Twitter just asked me "Why?" Don't know. Maybe Undertaker decided to retire for real, and it was too late to switch opponents.

A beautiful long shot of Undertaker walking back up the ramp...alone. That was a powerful moment in wrestling history. Up next, the Divas match! Stay tuned!

I wasn't kidding, either. Here comes A.J. Lee. Her thirteen opponents are already in the ring.

I love Vickie Guerrero. If this is her last night in WWE, she's going out on top. Good grief. The ring looks like they took the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, cut it up, and used it to clothe 14 undernourished women.

Brie and Nikki are alone in the ring. Staredown. It's not exactly Rock vs. Hogan, is it?

After all that, A.J. Lee locks in the Black Widow and keeps the Divas title. C.M. Punk. PLEEEEEEASE come home. WWE misses you.

Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff. Orndorff looks like he's spent the past five years starring on "Deadwood."

We see Bruno Sammartino in the crowd. Bruno's making a "What the f--- was THAT?" face.

Main event time. Adam Lambert's angry older brother sings Randy Orton to the ring.

Here's Dave Batista. Since tonight is a special occasion, Batista decided to dress like a professional wrestler.

Before the main event, Michael Cole wants to remind you that you're an idiot for watching on pay-per-view instead of ordering WWE Network.

The two heels wipe out D-Bry early and fight amongst themselves. Orton backdrops Batista on the ring steps. Oh, jeez.

Daniel Bryan finally recovers enough to use Orton and Batista's bodies for hacky sacks.

Bryan's got Orton in the Yes Lock, and, wouldn't you know it, here come Mr. & Mrs. Fun to join the party. And they brought referee Scott Armstrong to officiate the rest of the match.

It's no disqualification, so Bryan kicks Scott Armstrong in the head. There's an orgy of Yes! happening in front of the hard camera.

Triple H has the sledgehammer. Oops! No, he doesn't. Daniel Bryan uses it on Hunter.

Orton and Batista beat up Bryan, then stand around talking. "Hey, how's your old man? "Good! How are your kids?" "Great."

Evolution reunites for a second, using Daniel Bryan to take out the Spanish, French, German and Esperanto announce tables.

Daniel Bryan gets a neck brace and is carted off in a stretcher. In other words, he's a lock to return and win the title.

JBL asks "How do you get Daniel Bryan to go away?" I'm not sure. Try whatever you did to make C.M. Punk go away.

Running knee to Orton! Running knee to Batista! Yes Lock on Batista, and Big Dave taps! We have a NEEEEW WWE Champion.

Bryan celebrates with the belts in front of the live crowd. Folks, this is what you wanted. ARE YOU NOT (SPORTS) ENTERTAINED?!

WrestleMania was everything pro wrestling fans wanted. Except for the part where Undertaker lost. And it all begins again in 21 hours on Raw.

In the mean time, join James & Greg on PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour. VIP members, the Roundtable will be up in about 90 minutes. Good night!

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!