By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "The Game" Levesque, Vice President of Non-Wrestling Operations Stephanie McMahon Levesque and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Turtle Wax Liquid Paste. Turtle Wax Liquid Paste gives you the durability of a paste and the ease of use of a liquid wax. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except where he creates a WWE Network reality show with Vince McMahon and Mick Foley touring the country together in a recreational vehicle.

This is the first big test of the WWE Network. It isn't a test of whether WWE can grab a significant number of subscribers for this baby. (They haven't yet, but they'll get there.) It *is* a test of whether WWE Network can broadcast a major show without a server crash. Which is why I'll have the actual pay-per-view feed going as my "second screen experience," thank you very much.

Keep in mind that WWE Network is rebroadcasting WrestleMania XXVIII at 9 AM Eastern, followed by WrestleMania 29 at 1 PM Eastern, leading straight to the pregame show. If you keep the feed on all day, you should be able to drive the non-wrestling fans in your household insane before the opening bell. Good luck.

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on March 20, 1994, the World Wrestling Federation presented WrestleMania X from Madison Square. Two future Hall of Famers squared off in a ladder match for the WWF Intercontinental Title when Razor Ramon took on Shawn Michaels. If you missed it the first time, it's new to you. Vince McMahon and Jerry "The King" Lawler had the call.


Razor Ramon vs HBK Shawn Michaels... by WWEPolsce

What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On April 5, 1999, the World Wrestling Federation brought us Raw is War (pretaped) from the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, Long Island. This show opened with Jeff Jarrett and the late Owen Hart defending the WWF World Tag Team Titles against Kane & Sean "X-Pac" Waltman. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler had the call.


WWF Raw - 04-05-1999 Part 1 by WWF1996-1999

Did you miss WWE Main Event this week? No, you didn't. Here's Sheamus vs. The Miz from Washington, DC. Tom Phillips & Byron Saxton have the call. (If you want to see it, hurry, because WWE will have it down in about fifteen minutes. Or less.)



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing tomorrow, and during the show, two of them will be making fun of the other one. On with the program!

The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The Real Americans & Ryback & Curtis Axel (WWE World Tag Team Titles - Fatal Four Way - Pre-Show Match): Really, there's a two-hour pregame show with only one match on it. Given how dry the 30 minute weekly pregame shows are, you may want to go back and watch that Main Event episode again. Projection? The Real Americans fight for the rights of every man, and Cesaro pins Diego with the Neutralizer. We have NEW WWE Tag Team Champions.

The Shield vs. Kane & New Age Outlaws: I know many of you are down on Kane, Road Dogg & Billy Gunn appearing in an actual match at WrestleMania, but there's a good reason for it. WWE is gearing up for Season Two of Legends House on the Network. Projection? Reigns hits the spear on Billy Gunn, and the Shield is 2-0 at WrestleMania. Only twenty more to go.

30 Man Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Your announced participants are Big E. Langston, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Alberto Del Rio, Damien Sandow, Titus O'Neil, Christian, Sheamus, Big Show, Mark Henry, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, Drew McIntyre, Cody Rhodes, Goldust, Brodus Clay, Kofi Kingston, The Miz, Darren Young, Justin Gabriel, Rey Mysterio, R-Truth, Santino Marella, The Great Khali, Zack Ryder, Sin Cara & Brad Maddox For the fun of it, let's say the three missing wrestlers from the battle royal are Xavier Woods, Bad News Barrett & Alexander Rusev. I'm guessing there aren't surprise returns here. Projection? Sheamus survives twenty-nine other men, wrapping up by eliminating Alexander Rusev. Rusev destroys Sheamus after the match, and breaks the trophy over the head of the Translucent Titan.

A.J. Lee vs. Natalya Neidhart Wilson vs. Alicia Fox vs. Layla El vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs. Naomi McCray Fatu vs. Tamina Snuka vs. Eva Marie vs. Cameron Andrew vs. Emma Dashwood vs. Summer Rae vs. Aksana Raudonienė vs. Rosa Mendes (Fatal Fourteen Way - WWE Divas Title): What would make the Divas division more interesting after WrestleMania? Yes, Sara Del Rey. And yes, Paige. But realistically. Projection? A.J. Lee fights off most of the Divas, only to eat a superkick from Tamina Snuka, who covers her former friend to win her first WWE Divas Title. Tamina does not get a tattoo to commemorate the occasion.

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt: Your ridiculous John Cena WrestleMania entrance this year? WWE rolls out an actual red carpet for Cena as he comes down the ramp, and the Doctor of Thuganomics comes out in a red dress and heels to take a Jennifer Lawrence pratfall. Hey, it could happen. Maybe. Projection? Cena gets some offense in on Bray Wyatt, but can't take on all three at once, and succumbs to Sister Abigail.

The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman): So, how's The Undertaker supposed to get a good match out of Brock Lesnar, when Triple H couldn't accomplish that last year? Just kidding. Projection? Undertaker with the Tombstone. Another one bites the dust.

Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H (w/ Stephanie McH): I know WWE made some false starts on the way to this match, and the company seemed more concerned with letting Triple H and Stephanie hog the spotlight than making Daniel Bryan into a box office attraction, but...I'm sorry. I forgot where I was going with that paragraph. Projection? Bryan makes Triple H tap to the Yes Lock. Brad Maddox runs down in a referee's shirt and declares that he's overturning the decision. Bryan is disqualified for throwing a closed fist punch earlier in the match. Just when the crowd is about to riot, "No Chance In Hell" hits, and Vince McMahon comes to the ring, leading a phalanx of police officers. Mr. McMahon tells Triple H that he tried to stay out of their affairs, but cheating Daniel Bryan out of this victory is "bad for business." He orders the officers to remove Triple H from the building.

The Game gives his father-in-law a smug grin. "Come on, old man. You can't kid a kidder. I know these aren't real cops." Triple H punches the first policeman to approach him. He is immediately set upon by the other dozen policemen, who proceed to give Hunter the ol' Rodney King treatment. Hunter is weakly heard to say "Don't tase me, bro" before getting zapped. The police haul a motionless Triple H down the aisle to the back. Stephanie McMahon tries to appeal to her father, but Vince gives her the "talk to the hand" gesture. And it's time for the main event.

Randy Orton vs. Dave Batista vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE World Heavyweight Title - Triple Threat Match): This part should be simple. Projection? Batista dominates the early going, but wears out quickly. Bryan starts getting near falls on Orton and Batista. Kane, the Outlaws and whatever else is left of the authority try to get to ringside, only to be cut off by John Cena, Big Show and The Shield. Orton hits the RKO on Batista, but Bryan hits the running knee before Randy can capitalize. Bryan covers Orton, and Daniel Bryan regains the WWE Heavyweight Title.

Aftermath: We go into Extreme Rules with Daniel Bryan defending the WWE Title against Dave Batista, John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt in some sort of stipulation match, and Randy Orton battling Brock Lesnar.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. UConn? Really? He did NOT see that happening.

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