By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill is here LIVE to blog on tonight's WWE Elimination Chamber event. Because there just aren't enough wrestling writers sharing their opinions about this show...

We are LIVE at the McNeill Mancave for the Elimination Chamber. It's going to be a great week, now that WWE and the WWE Network plans to take over all the pregame, postgame and podcasting duties we do here at Pro Wrestling Torch. I might retire.

Wade's at the show in Minneapolis, so I am HOME ALONE! YAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Let's check out how well WWE is streaming the kickoff show over the internet...

...Yeah. Clearly, this would work better if my computer hadn't been built during the Bush Administration.

Okay, here we are. Josh Mathews is explaining how the Elimination Chamber works. Apparently, it's easier for Josh to explain this than for Michael Cole to explain downloading the WWE app.

Josh introduces our panel. "Rey Mysterio, you've been in three Elimination Chamber matches. Who did you piss off to get stuck with us?"

Good grief, they're giving JBL and Jerry Lawler their own ring entrances. Expect a lot more crap like this, beginning tomorrow on the WWE Network!

Mark Henry talks about how good Batista looks. And he does it with a straight face. Good man.

The part I like from that WWE Network video is when the narrator tells you to leave the WWE Network on all the time. Hey, it was worth a shot.

The announcers explain how to use the WWE Network as if they were talking directly to your mentally retarded pets.

It's Goldust & Cody Rhodes against Ryback & Curtis Axel. An actual match. Thank you, Lord.

We invite you to follow the WWE conversation on Twitter tonight by using the hashtag #WhyDidYouOrderThis?

The announcers make fun of Ryback for bragging about his muscular definition. This truly is a new age for WWE.

Larry "The Ax" Hennig is in his grandson's corner. I'm glad this is a new age for WWE, because otherwise Curtis would be jobbing in front of his grandfather.

"Remember fans, starting tomorrow you can watch matches much better than this one on the WWE Network!"

JBL explains that the losers of this bout move to the back of the line for tag team title shots. The only way Ryback & Axel could be further back in the line would be if they joined 3MB.

Cody pins Axel. Grandpa Larry is upset. Let's go to the main show, kids.

Bad music welcomes us to the main show. And the opening match is...Big. E against Jack Swagger. Nothing like a hot opening match to...oh, screw it.

Zeb asks us to name something positive Big E. Langston has done for his country. I dunno. He's...saved us from an overrun of barbell plates?

I think there should be a stipulation for this match where if Swagger loses, Zeb has to call the show from the Spanish announce table.

I don't know if you've heard, but the WWE Network launches tomorrow morning. At 9 AM Eastern. I wonder how you sign up?

There's an NXT preshow this Thursday night, and it has a better panel than the Elimination Chamber. I am not joking.

Cole explains that since Zeb Colter slapped Swagger, he's performing a lot better. It's worth a shot. Send Zeb to a creative meeting.

It would appear Langston has a power advantage over Swagger. This is the sort of analysis you've come to expect from us here at PWTorch.com.

Actually, that's not true. I'm here to explain Lawler and Layfield's pop culture references. Like "Woody Hayes," for example.

Suicide spear by Langston. And the big splash.

Cole: "JBL, you've been Intercontinental Champion. You know how important this title is." (Dead Silence).

The straps are down. And...Langston is put in the Patriot Lock again. Oh, my.

Bad News Barrett is here. The good news for Jack Swagger is, he's going to WrestleMania. The bad news is, he's flying coach.

You know who *is* flying first class to WrestleMania? Hulk Hogan. He'll be on Raw tomorrow, which is still not on the WWE Network.

We get a video package. Cole explains that Daniel Bryan won a bunch of matches on TV this week, but he's still not winning the Chamber (I'm paraphrasing.)

Bryon Saxton interviews Bryan backstage. "Am I forced to read this off cue cards? Yes. Are they going to continue writing crappy dialogue for my segments? Yes."

Up next, the Outlaws vs. The Usos. The Outlaws' gimmick is that they're still doing the same act they did in 1998, except no one cares.

We get an ad for Hulu Plus. Apparently that's the only place you can stream current WWE programs on the next day. For $7.99 a month. Has WWE Network heard about this?

This has been a decent show so far. Gunn pins an Uso by holding the tights. Of course, the announcers talk about the finish as if the Usos were to blame for the Outlaws' cheating.

Bad News Barrett is back. His bad news is that Daniel Bryan's getting screwed out of the title again tonight. How is that "news"?

Lawler logs in to the WWE Network to watch...Lillian Garcia singing the National Anthem at WrestleMania XXVIII. Wow. Can't wait!

It's Darren Young vs. Titus O'Neil in a big grudge match. The crowd, of course, chants for Brock Lesnar.

JBL thinks Titus has all the tools he needs to become WWE Champion. I'm guessing he keeps them in the shed in his backyard.

"Darren Young is letting his frustration get the best of him." Believe me, I know the feeling.

Titus wins clean. That's over. One hour in, three matches in, and it felt like the first hour of Raw.

Wade Barrett has more bad news. His podium's not working, and that's the best part of his act.

Up next, we hear from our All-Star Panel. (Justin Credible has the night off.) They add nothing of value.

The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family is next. See, if this show was on WWE Network, you could have skipped the first hour.

Bray Wyatt promo. His favorite game is "War." Or "Scattergories." Whichever.

Triple H promised this match would be Armageddon. But if it isn't, you can watch previous editions of "WWE Armageddon" tomorrow on WWE Network.

The match hasn't started yet, but the "This Is Awesome" chants have. Pipe down, Wade.

Wait, so when you convince a wrestling crowd that they're going to see a fight, it gets over? I need to write this down.

Reigns and Wyatt knock each other around for a bit. That went well.

Erick Rowan gives Ambrose the atomic noogie. This match just got more awesome.

The announcers compare Luke Harper to Bruiser Brody. Everyone in the production truck looks up and asks "Who's Bruiser Brody?"

Rollins takes the heat, and the fans start chanting for tables. Really? Someone shut these people up.

It's suicide dive time. From everybody. I think I flipped on the DGUSA feed by mistake.

Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt brawl into the crowd. That can't be a good idea.

Seriously, I can't wait to see Dave Batista and Alberto Del Rio try to follow this match.

The Wyatts kill Seth Rollins (Hey, that's what it looked like) and Reigns is in one-on-three against The Wyatts. Roman fights and fights and fights, but Bray hits Sister Abigail's Kiss for the win. I DEMAND a rematch, preferably at WrestleMania.

The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family was so good, it deserves its own postgame show.

Christian tells Renee Young he's winning the Elimination Chamber match. So, his gimmick is he suffered a head injury?

AJ Lee vs. Cameron. AJ cuts as good a 30 second heel promo as you're going to see from a WWE Diva.

This Divas match starts out okay, then takes a turn for the worse. Much like that show "Heroes." Tamina accidentally kicks A.J., then has to beat up Cameron to save A.J.'s title. Let's never speak of this again.

Wade Barrett has some more bad news. Santino Marella and Great Khali are backstage playing with WWE toys.

Another commercial during our full-priced pay-per-view. (Actually, those pizza rolls are pretty awesome.)

Batista vs. Del Rio. Be prepared to see WWE main event wrestling at its finest.

Here's a recap of the Batista vs. Del Rio feud...Okay, it's all footage of Batista beating up Del Rio.

Del Rio comes to the ring in a neck brace and on crutches. Why do bad things happen to good people?

#WWEChamber is the number one trend on Twitter, narrowly beating out #RickyMartin. I wish I were making that up.

Del Rio was shamming. He beats up Batista with his crutch. Batista bravely makes his comeback. The crowd, of course, is solidly behind Del Rio.

Del Rio works the arm. Now the crowd is chanting for, um, someone who isn't here tonight. And another guy who isn't here tonight. When will we get the JBL chants?

If you're in the Target Center, go ahead and start an "Ole, Ole!" chant. I'll Paypal you. (Offer not valid for Wade Keller.)

Wow. This WWE title match at WrestleMania is going to die a death, isn't it?

Say, you'll never guess what's happening tomorrow morning. No, not Beth Behrs on "Kelly and Michael." Something else.

None of the panelists think Randy Orton can retain the WWE title tonight. Well, he *does* have a one-in-six chance. Right, Michael Cole?

Michael Cole explains that Randy Orton has more experience losing in the Elimination Chamber than the other five wrestlers.

Time for the Elimination Chamber bout, to be opened by...Sheamus and Antonio Cesaro. Let's see who gets more cheers.

The first five minutes don't get much heat, but Daniel Bryan is in third to fix that. And, when Bryan's not on offense, the crowd dies.

Sheamus gives Cesaro a Finlay roll on the grating. I don't have any good one-liners for that.

Christian comes in fourth. Since he likes getting heat, he goes after Bryan's injured shoulder. Good plan.

Cesaro breaks Christian in half. Christian kicks out.

John Cena is out fifth. Which means Orton will be out last. Which...could explain how Orton ends up winning.

Daniel Bryan works over Cena. Oh, *now* the crowd gets back into this. Sure. Where were you ninety seconds ago?

Orton is last and he...runs back into his pod, clinching his status as The Smartest Guy In The Room.

Cesaro takes over on Orton, but no one has been eliminated yet. Is it okay to root for a time-limit draw?

Orton and Christian team up to eliminate Sheamus. Nobody seems too upset about that. And Bryan eliminates Christian a minute later. We're down to four.

Cena has Bryan and Cesaro suplexes...Holy crap. Did you see that?

Cena gets the crap beat out of him by the Wyatt Family. The crowd, of course, chants "Thank you, Wyatts!"

But Bryan overcomes. He's got Randy Orton beat as long as Kane doesn't recover from...Aw, crap.

Wow. Michael Cole almost sounded genuinely upset by how Kane screwed Daniel Bryan. Almost.

So, Orton wins with the RKO, and it's Orton vs. Batista at WrestleMania. Just like it's (probably) John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt at WrestleMania. This show had two really, really good matches, surrounded by big helpings of nothing.

Well, that's it for me. Join James & Greg for the postgame show on PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour. VIP members, we'll have a Roundtable done with your name on it in about an hour. Good night!

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