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MCNEILL'S TAKE
MCNEILL'S PPV BLOG 12/15: Live Blog for WWE TLC 2013 - ongoing thoughts & observations

Dec 15, 2013 - 9:57:48 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill just had his fantasy football season ended involuntarily by Jamaal Charles. He'll be by at around 7:30 PM EST to begin live-blogging tonight's show.

We are LIVE from the McNeill Mancave. The in-laws are visiting, and I invited them down here to watch WWE TLC with me, but they weren't interested! Oh, well...

Time for the preshow! We have our WWE Hall of Fame panel of Josh Mathews, Mick Foley, Booker T & The Miz. Three guesses which one of them is dressed as Santa.

My father-in-law came by to tell me his all-time favorite wrestler is Andre the Giant. I promised to let him know if Andre shows up.

In case you missed it, tonight's card features two different three-on-one handicap matches. You know, just like last night's UFC show on Fox.

Here comes The Shield with their prematch promo. Look, can we just do Daniel Bryan & The Shield vs. C.M. Punk & The Wyatt Family? I promise not to complain.

Here comes Kofi Kingston, challenging The Miz for later tonight. We cut to our announcers, who think the idea of a Kofi vs. Miz match on pay-per-view is hysterical.

Your pre-show match is Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango. JBL thinks Fandango is a cross between Patrick Swayze and Urijah Faber. Except for the part about Swayze being dead, of course.

Yes, Fandango won with the legdrop. Remember, you can follow tonight's pay-per-view conversation on Twitter by using the hashtag #Only6WeeksUntilTheRumble.

In anticipation of tonight's unification match, let us take you back to when we actually treated our championships like they mattered...

Right, time for the main show. Let's do this.

Rich Monk on Twitter wants to know WWE is spinning this differently from when Chris Jericho won the unified title twelve years ago. It's completely different. Twelve years ago, it was Ric Flair as the authority figure instead of Triple H.

Vince McMahon is in the building. Really, that was the cliffhanger that ended the kickoff show.

We kick off tonight's show with...Triple H & Stephanie McMahon cutting a promo! What a surprise!

Okay, now we're kicking the show off in earnest. Those of you at home, look for Caldwell in the crowd. I'm busy.

And for our opening match, here's C.M. Punk to take on The Shield. Jeez, hit on ONE semi-celebrity and they mark you as a troublemaker.

C.M. Punk flips the bird to The Shield and heads into the crowd to take a countout loss. Oops, sorry. That would make sense.

Cole explains that legends are tweeting about tonight's big main event. I'd hardly call myself a "legend," but thanks.

We're several minutes into a three-on-one handicap match, so I figure I'm safe getting seconds on dinner. Be right back.

I was right. Punk sidesteps a spear and Reigns flies over the announce table. Reigns comes up holding his left eye. Punk tweets Terry Funk to ask what to do next.

The blinded Reigns spears Ambrose and Punk gets the pin. I'm sure Ambrose will understand what went wrong and all three Shield members will have a good laugh over this later.

Renee Young interviews A.J. Lee backstage. Renee asks A.J. if Natalya has her number. A.J. says no one has her number. Well, no *women* have her number, anyway.

Up next, A.J. Lee defending the Divas title against Natalya. Come on, Nattie. Win it for Gizmo!

A.J. gets the victory with a rollup following a hair pull. Nattie's going to cry. Well, that wasn't very heartwarming.

Bruno Sammartino tweets a good luck message to both wrestlers in the main event. That's right, Bruno Sammartino is on Twitter (and Bruce Mitchell isn't.)

There's that video package again. Still great.

Time for the Intercontinental Title match. Damien Sandow is not a fan of the way Texans speak. Michael Cole is so excited about Langston vs. Sandow that he starts plugging next month's Royal Rumble.

By the way, big shoutout to longtime PWTorch subscriber Matt Fanatic. Good work today, Matt.

Somewhere inside the arena, Torch assistant editor James Caldwell is taking a well-deserved nap.

Langston wins. JBL suggests Langston could be the breakout star of 2014. Really? What was Langston doing in 2013?

Backstage, we see Vince McMahon shaking hands with Randy Orton. Vince walks off, and we see Randy looking after him, thinking "That was odd."

Jerry Lawler amuses me by pretending he likes the Kickoff show.

Earlier tonight, The Miz dressed up as a candy cane, and was attacked by Kofi Kingston. This sets up Kofi vs. The Miz in a no disqualification match later.

Is there anything I care about less than tonight's Kofi vs. The Miz match? Yes, and it's BJ Whitmer's return to Ring of Honor.

Time for our tag team title match. The Rhodes Boys vs. Real Americans vs. Ryback & Axel vs. Big Show & Mysterio. "What a year it's been for Big Show," says Cole. "What a year it's been for WWE booking," says McNeill.

Still trying to figure out why Rey Mysterio's decked out as Mini-Goldust tonight.

Ryback and Axel are eliminated. Layfield explains (in all seriousness) that Swagger & Ceasro not getting tagged in until this point was "great strategy" on their part.

Layfield goes on to explain that they call Swagger "Big Hoss." When do they call Jack that? When he guest stars on "Bonanza?"

Big Show gets tagged in and beats The Real Americans. Both of them. It's that kind of night. We're down to two teams.

Normally, Goldust steals the show in these long tag matches. Tonight, it's Cody's turn to shine. He hits Cross Rhodes on Rey Mysterio, and the champs retain the tag team titles. That was a lot of fun.

Great Khali, Los Matadores, Vicky Guerrero, Brad Maddox, Kane and the Primetime Players were flown into Houston to film a toy commercial backstage.

Up next, it's that R-Truth vs. Brodus Clay match the world has been clamoring for.

"My name is R-Truth./You can watch me in slo-mo./Funkasaurus gonna fold here like Tony Romo./What's up? (What's up!) What's up? (What's up!)"

Brodus and Tensai are obviously set to break up. Just in time for Brodus to join The Shield and Reigns to become Tensai's new tag team partner. Okay, maybe not.

The Funkadactyls & Tensai leave Brodus for acting too much like a heel. And R-Truth beats Brodus Clay.

Backstage, Vince McMahon shakes John Cena's hand. Cena waits until Vince leaves, then counts his fingers.

It's Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz, as threatened earlier. Cole runs down the list of countries watching TLC, and apparently this is the only country where you have to pay to watch it.

Kofi wins with Trouble in Paradise. Decent match. Nobody cares.

We are 13 days away from "Tribute To The Troops," for those of you who just haven't heard enough Daughtry. Daniel Bryan vs. the Wyatt Family is next.

"They show me these mannequins posing as people." Ah, I see Bray's been to the new WWE Performance Center.

Daniel Bryan comes to the ring, wearing the winning entry from the "Design The Ugliest WWE T-shirt" contest.

Bryan holds his own for a while, until Wyatt leaves his Cracker Barrel rocking chair and makes it three-on-one. (Also? Mmmmmm. Cracker Barrel.)

Wyatt does the spider walk, and the crowd chants "That was creepy." A little too on the nose, guys.

Bryan does his best, but WWE...I mean, the Wyatt Family is too much for him. Bray hits his finisher for the win.

There's fifty minutes left in the pay-per-view clearance, and only one match remains. We're getting another Wing Stop commercial, aren't we?

We get the Orton vs. Cena video package they aired on Smackdown. Again, it's still good. An eight year old John Cena went to the WWF show in the Boston Garden and decided he could be AT LEAST as good as Outback Jack.

The match is underway. In the WWE Universe, Brawlin' Buddies aren't "toys." But tables, ladders and chairs are. Discuss.

Did You Know? Bruno Sammartino held the WWWF Title for eleven years without winning a single Tables, Ladders & Chairs match.

It's early yet, but Cena Sucks is doing a number on Let's Go Cena.

JBL explains that the winner of this match has a chance to go down in history. Like Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Time for John Cena to start hitting Randy Orton in the head with stuff. Time for Randy Orton to hit Cena in the head with stuff. Finally, an exhausted Cena puts Orton through the Spanish announce table. But that's not the finish.

Cena grabs the belts. Orton kicks the ladder out from under Cena, and Cena starts swinging around in the air like Peter Pan. Top that, Jim Londos.

Randy Orton has handcuffs. I'd ask who brings handcuffs to a WWE match, but I'm scared of the responses I'll get.

Orton cuffs Cena to the bottom rope. Cena somehow undoes the bottom rope from the turnbuckle. Not only is Cena a great champion, he's a ring crew pioneer.

Orton throws Cena off the ladder, and headfirst into a table. Yeah, that looked painful. Orton climbs the ladder and wins the title clean. Really. Hmmmm. We have a unified WWE World Champion. More important, we have a clean finish in a pay-per-view main event!

Well, that's a great way to end the title unification match, with Randy Orton celebrating in the...aw, crap, it's the McMahons. Handshakes and hugs all around.

This was good. It wasn't anything near what an actual world title unification show should be like, but I expect we'll be back to two belts in another six months, so who cares?

Now go join PWTorchLivecast.com at the bottom of the hour for the postgame show, and VIP members can download the roundtable in an hour or so. Good night, everybody!


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