By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Respect My Authority" Levesque, Stephanie "Well Rested" McMahon Levesque and WWE President Bats--- Crazy Vince McMahon. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Dupont Lucite paint, now available in over one thousand fashionable colors for long-lasting beauty inside or outside your home. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he does his impression of Robert De Niro's baseball speech from "The Untouchables" in the middle of the Friday creative meeting.

If you have a moment, check out the most-talked about wrestling podcast of the week
right here, as I interviewed Oscar & Sir Mo of Men on a Mission on Wednesday's PWTorch Livecast. Then, tune in this coming Wednesday over at PWTorchLivecast.com as Sean Radican and I welcome WWE2K14 game developer Bryan Williams AND Hurricane Helms. And then, go download EVERY episode of the PWTorch Livecast, and prepare to listen all future episodes LIVE, including the Survivor Series postgame show James Caldwell and Greg Parks will be doing this Sunday night.

So, what's wrong with this weekend's 27th Annual Survivor Series? How much time do you have?

(1) Nobody cares about The Big Show. I'm sorry. I'm sure he's a great guy, but we've already done the story of Big Show capturing the WWF Title (fourteen years ago, also at Survivor Series). You're not going to get a great match out of Big Show, and it's wrong to expect one, because that's not even his job. We know all of this is designed to set up Big Show feuding with Kane for the 365th time, so get on with it.

(2) Nobody cares about The Authority in 2013. We did The Authority angle fourteen years ago, when everyone was younger, better looking, and Triple H had two undamaged quads.

(3) Nobody but NOBODY wants to John Cena wrestle Alberto Del Rio again. Seriously, even John Cena's dad is going to be looking at his watch during this match. Or the football game.

At this point, one of you wiseacres in the reading audience will point out that the above paragraphs are just my opinion. That's true, but I've got a few months worth of WWE television ratings and pay-per-view buyrate numbers to back me up, not to mention the readers over at Grantland who are bombarding their wrestling columnist with complaints like the ones above. (Okay, I did laugh at the guy who pointed out what a douche Cena's character is on "Total Divas." Good thing that show's a work.)

Before we get down to business, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on November 24, 1993, WWF was at the Boston Garden in Boston, Massachusetts for the 7th Annual Survivor Series. You can watch the pregame show, then join us for the opener, as Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall leads Sean Waltman, Marty Jannetty and a mystery partner against Mike "I.R.S." Rotundo and his crew of Adam Bomb, Rick Martel and Kevin "Diesel" Nash. THAT, my friends, is old school. Vince McMahon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan have the call.



Did you catch this week's episode of Friday Night Smackdown? No? Don't sweat it. Check out Big E. Langston & Dolph Ziggler reuniting to face Curtis Axel & Damien Sandow. Michael Cole, JBL & Josh Mathews had the call.


WWE Smackdown by Anonymous

What was happening in World Wrestling Entertainment fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! The November 23, 1998 episode of World Wrestling Federation Monday Night Raw was (pretaped) in Columbus, Ohio. The war between Steve Austin and The Undertaker continued in a series of vignettes, and the main event saw The Rock defend the WWF Heavyweight Title against Sean "X-Pac" Waltman. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler had the call.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing tomorrow, and at least one of those three men will be tweeting during the show. On with the program!

Kofi Kingston v. The Miz (Pre-Show Match): Yes, The Miz finally turned heel on Raw, to the thanks of a grateful nation. It is difficult to believe WWE is giving away a match like Kingston vs. Mizanin for free, but there you go. Projection? Miz wins with a handful of tights. The feud's just started, and it really wouldn't do to have Kofi put Miz away too soon.

WWE is teasing that Ryback will make an open challenge here in Boston. No, it won't be answered by Brock Lesnar. Let's have Ryback get a win over another big guy, Brodus Clay.

Big E. Langston vs. Curtis Axel (WWE Intercontinental Title): Langston won the title on Monday, and his victory was treated like a big deal, so I don't see WWE undoing it right away.Projection? Big E. Big Ending. Langston retains the championship.

Daniel Bryan & C.M. Punk vs. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan (w/ Bray Wyatt): It would be nice if we had two former WWE Heavyweight Champions against an undefeated tag team, but the Wyatt Family has lost before. Projection? Bryan makes Rowan tap to the Yes Lock before Bray Wyatt can break it up. Whatever the Wyatt Clan has planned for The Best and The Best will have to wait until Monday.

Total Divas (Natalya Neidhart, The Bella Twins, The Funkadactyls, JoJo & Eva Marie) vs. True Divas (AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka, Kaitlyn, Rosa Mendes, Aksana, Summer Rae & Alicia Fox) - 7 on 7 Divas Elimination Match: Someone in the WWE creative process really, really hates wrestling fans. Projection? Let's see. Brie pins Alicia Fox. Tamina pins Eva Marie. A.J. Lee makes JoJo tap out. Summer Rae pins Cameron. Nikki pins Aksana. Tamina pins Nikki. Natalya makes Rosa tap out. Brie pins Kaitlyn. A.J. Lee pins Brie. Natalya pins Summer Rae. Tamina pins Natalya. Naomi knocks out Tamina, but A.J. rolls Naomi up and is the sole survivor again.

Goldust, Cody Rhodes, The Usos & Rey Mysterio vs. The Shield & The Real Americans (5 on 5 Elimination Match): This should be the match of the night. Projection? Mysterio pins Swagger. Ambrose pins Jey Uso. Cesaro pins Jimmy Uso after the giant swing. Mysterio pins Cesaro. Reigns hits Mysterio with the spear for the elimination. The Wyatt Family runs in and attacks the Rhodes family, getting The Shield disqualified. Cody and Goldust are the sole survivors. Then The Shield takes exception and starts brawling with the Wyatts, kicking off a multi-team donnybrook that goes all through the Garden once again.

John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio (Smackdown World Title): Yes, John Cena defends the World Heavyweight Title in a rematch against a guy who really, really needs a career overhaul before he's allowed anywhere near the World Title again. Projection? Cena fights off the armbar, wins with the Attitude Adjustment.

Randy Orton vs. Big Show (WWE Heavyweight Title): In the real world, Cena defending his title in his hometown goes on last. Just so we're clear. Projection? Why can't Orton win clean? Randy ducks the punch, hits the RKO and keeps the championship.

Aftermath: The next pay-per-view is next month's WWE Tables, Ladders & Chairs. It should be Orton vs. C.M. Punk in a ladder match, and John Cena vs. Dean Ambrose in a TLC match. What about the long term? Big Show fighting The Authority (where Authority always wins) isn't much of a story. But it doesn't matter what WWE does for the next six weeks of television, because that's the dead zone. WWE will kick off 2014 with the big push toward WrestleMania 30.

So, if WWE has pulled the plug on Daniel Bryan fighting Randy Orton and The Authority, and no one cares about Big Show fighting Randy Orton and The Authority, what's the solution?

Randy Orton versus The Authority. Orton has enough, and finally turns on his masters.

And after Randy mows through Kane and Brad Maddox and The Shield, who's left?

The winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble. The ultimate company man. John Cena.

Got your attention, didn't I?

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. Pat would take the Denver Broncos to beat The New England Patriots on Sunday Night Football. You know, if gambling were legal.

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!