By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill is in the McNeill Mancave, where he's liveblogging tonight's WWE Night of Champions pay-per-view. Check back at around 7:30 PM EDT for that.

Hi, there! I think I speak for everyone at this website in hoping you enjoyed "Pat McNeill Week" here at PWTorch.com. We'll be doing that again around the 10th of Never.

We kick things off with the WWE panel of Booker T, Santino Marella, Josh Mathews & Jesse Palmer. Brad Maddox announces that he didn't like my projection for the Handicap Elimination Match, so he's made Punk vs. Axel & Heyman a no disqualification. Well, that's no fun.

After more spirited nonsense, it's time for our Tag Team Turmoil match. We kick off with 3MB vs. Tons of Funk, a great way to persuade casual viewers to drop $45-$55.

As always, we invite you to join in the Night of Champions conversation on Twitter by using the hashtag #OneMatchShow.

Drew McIntyre gets pinned, as the Real Americans rush in to take their place in the gauntlet. This would be a PERFECT time to go to commercial. If I were Cole, I would point out that there are no commercials during the matches on the actual pay-per-view.

Down go the Funkers. Here come the Usos, who start flying around the way most Samoan wrestlers don't. Business is picking up. We actually have dueling chants for Jey and Swagger. This should be a great crowd.

A second commercial break? Lucky us.

Swagger makes an Uso tap to the Swagger Lock. It's Real Americans vs. Prime Time Players for the title shot. Hold on...

BREAKING NEWS: WWE just rehired Hall of Famer Jim Ross, so that Vince McMahon can fire him again tomorrow.

And the Players get the win over Swagger & Cesaro. It's The Shield against Millions of Dollars for the tag titles later tonight.

Booker tells us he thought Randy Orton was the Prototype wrestler. Clearly, he has his OVW gimmicks mixed up.

Our UK source on Twitter tells me a lot of money was placed on Daniel Bryan and Paul Heyman to win later tonight. If that's true, someone at WWE really didn't like my picks from last night.

We get a video package showing us past champions, with Triple H and wrestlers who were actually over. Oh, speaking of Triple H, he's kicking off the show. Michael Cole thinks that's "appropriate."

Triple H promises no interference in the main event. He is interrupted by Tony Kornheiser, I mean, Paul Heyman. Heyman's great at playing a guy who's scared spitless, Triple H, the heel, makes fun of Heyman, the other heel.

Curtis Axel suggests that Triple H is stacking the deck against Heyman because Axel beat Hunter on Raw back in May. Triple H decides the WWE Intercontinental Title should be defended, like, right now.

So here comes Kofi Kingston, who's already beaten up Axel twice in the past couple of weeks. Nice semi main event, by the way. Even Steven booking would have Kofi winning the title here, and then...Axel & Heyman beat Punk.

Kofi shows off the energy and athleticism that has made him the perennial Number One Contender to the Intercontinental and United States titles. JBL confuses Cole and Lawler by referencing a storyline from four months ago.

So, what's the difference between the first half-hour of Night of Champions and the first half-hour of your average episode of Raw? There was no mid-match commercial break on Night of Champions.

Axel face plants Kofi for the hard-fought victory. That was really good.

Backstage, RVD is worried about Ricardo's injured arm. Ricardo is obviously Rob's number one fan, in a manner that is in no way suspicious.

Backstage, A.J. Lee hangs out with the non-reality Real Divas. However, Aksana and Alicia want nothing to do with the champ. Oh, drama.

Michael Cole talks up the city of Detroit, which has hosted the Super Bowl, WrestleMania, and twenty years of urban decay.

It's our Fatal Four Way for the Divas title. A.J. vs. Brie vs. Natalya vs. Naomi. Michael Cole helps out by repeating every nasty insult A.J. made about the Total Divas over the last two weeks.

The three babyfaces start out teaming up against A.J., but it doesn't last because (all together now) "Women Just Can't Get Along."

Brie is on top of Naomi, but the referee doesn't count it because he's waiting for Nattie to set up her double sharpshooter spot. JBL points out this is the worst officiating since, well, last night's Arizona State game.

Oh, yeah, A.J. Lee wins clean with the Black Widow.

Now WWE has an "All-Star Panel." I want my royalty check, McDevitt.

It's time for the Smackdown World Title match. Lillian Garcia does Alberto's introduction in Spanish, just so Ricardo Rodriguez doesn't get cocky.

Del Rio vs. Van Dam. Sweet Georgia Brown, I haven't seen this many potatoes since my last visit to Boardwalk Fries.

Del Rio gets the cross armbreaker, RVD makes the ropes, and Alberto refuses to let go. RVD wins by disqualification. The crowd is...less than thrilled. RVD, with Ricardo's help, hits a Van Terminator to get his heat back.

Let's see, Paul Heyman is scared of C.M. Punk, blah blah blah. Randy Orton is wondering why Triple H won't let anyone interfere in his match. Is there any seven-layer dip left?

Up now, The Miz vs. Fandango & Fandango's Mustache in a handicap match.

The crowd is dead for this one. And if someone takes a picture showing JBL and Lawler watching the 49ers game on the monitor? I don't agree with it, but I understand. Miz wins with the figure-four.

In a shocking development, there are a whole lot of National Guard members in Detroit.

This month's episode of Non-Handsome Homoerotic Theater features a recap of Paul Heyman's turn on C.M. Punk.

It's C.M. Punk vs. Curtis Axel & Paul Heyman. At this pace, my guess is that Orton vs. Bryan is blocked out for, oh, 45 minutes.

This match is no-disqualification, so Paul Heyman zaps C.M. Punk with a taser, waits for Punk to stop twitching and covers him for the pin. And I'm kidding.

"Paul Heyman made tables famous in ECW." Really, JBL? I always thought Sabu had something to do with that.

Axel gets Punk to dive into his chair, and takes over. But Punk is able to hit the Go To Sleep and makes Axel tap with the Anaconda Vice. Heyman's facial expressions are making this match. Heyman bolts up the aisle, but Punk chases his back to the ring.

A few cane shots on Heyman. And Punk has handcuffs in his boot. Heyman yells "I'm tapping," but he's handcuffed, so the ref won't stop the match. Wow, this IS a night of bad officiating.

Punk has Heyman beat, but Heyman is rescued by BILL GOLDBERG! It's an incredible show of Jewish-American unity! (Okay, it's Ryback. Settle down.)

Ryback puts Punk through a table, rolls Heyman onto Punk for the pin, and carries Heyman to the back. The best part? Ryback never removed Heyman's handcuffs.

Our next WWE pay-per-view is "Battle Ground." From the commercial, I believe the WWE Superstars will be facing off in mountain climbing and wheelchair basketball competitions. (Well, YOU explain that ad.)

It's Dean Ambrose defending the United States title against Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler comes to the ring wearing...Did Marty Jannetty have a yard sale and I missed it?

I think the WWE U.S. Champion needs a better gimmick than "Dean Ambrose: He's slightly off."

For those of us who thought Ziggler's recent losing streak meant he was due to win the U.S. Title? Turns out, not so much.

In a poll, the WWE Universe picked Sting as the greatest United States Champion of all time. Guys, it's your own fault for leaving Eddie Guerrero off the list.

Rollins & Reigns take on O'Neil & Young for the WWE Tag Team Titles in the semi main event. Titus is wrestling while blowing the whistle. The Mongols should have tried that.

Titus holds on to Rollins too long, so Reigns can spear him for the Really Awkward Looking Finish. The Shield wins.

Kids, WWE advises you to not try these wrestling moves at home. That goes double if you're in Stu Hart's home.

Earlier tonight, all the heels kept their titles. Thanks for ordering. Here's a coupon, so we can send you a flaming bag of poop.

Tonight has been a show that really, truly makes you ask "How badly do I want to see Daniel Bryan regain the WWE Title?"

It's Orton vs. Bryan for the WWE title. Daniel Bryan gets THE superstar reaction of the night. And Randy Orton is an awesome heel. Enjoy.

Kudos to JBL for mentioning Randy Orton's bad shoulder as Bryan was trying to grab the Yes Lock.

Bryan hits the diving headbutt. It's one of those moves that doesn't make any logical sense, and it's a potential career shortener. But it looks spectacular.

And here it is. Bryan hits the running knee and wins the WWE title for a second time. Hey, how about that? Bryan gets a good celebration in. We'll have to wait until tomorrow to see how Triple H and the McMahons ruin this. (I mean, in the storyline.)

So, we leave tonight with a big Yes, Yes, Yes! Join James & Greg for the postgame show over at PWTorchLivecast.com. VIP members, tune in for the Roundtable in about 90 minutes or so. Good night!

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