By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist

Torch Columnist Pat McNeill wishes you a happy Father's Day. He will join us at 7:30 PM Eastern for WWE Payback after he finishes consuming sandwiches of unusual size...

Remember, this isn't a Preshow, this is a "Kickoff." Josh Mathews is joined by Big Show, R-Truth, Cody Rhodes and the Fight Doctor, Ferdie Pacheco.

Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow. A LOT of Sandow fans here in Chicago. This bodes well. Unless you're listening to Mr. McMahon on your headset.

They went to commercial during the match. In the middle of the (fornicating) preshow, I mean "Kickoff Show!" I hate this company so much.

So far, the announcers have talked about Frank Gotch, Faberge and Bastion Booger. We're just a Bartley Gorman away from JBL Bingo.

The match? Oh, yeah. Brogue kick. Sheamus wins. perfectly okay match in front of a hot crowd.

Back up to the guys in the booth. I once had that same suit Cody Rhodes is wearing. When I was five. They might still have them in stock at JCPenney's.

Video package for the main event. Does anyone mind if I switch over to the pay-per-view channel now? No? Great. See you in ten.

Welcome to Payback! Remember that WWE is then, now and forever. Just like Hulkamania. Oh, wait...

Time for the opening video. Al Capone wants you to watch this show. Be a star, Al.

We kick things off with Wade Barrett vs. Curtis Axel vs. The Miz Is Wearing Adam Copeland's Jacket. The Intercontinental Title is on the line. God save the Queen.

We are joined by our Spanish announce team of Carlos Cabrera and Hispanic Mike Tenay. Cole mentions that Axel wants to honor his father, Curt Hennig, by winning the Intercontinental Title. That's a better idea than, say, getting drunk on a plane and calling out Brock Lesnar.*

*I had another Curt Hennig joke, but that one might have seen as disrespectful.

JBL just referenced Nat King Cole. He's in rare form.

Axel hits the Perfect Plex on Barrett, and Miz makes the save. Quit trolling the crowd, guys. Miz applies the figure four on Barrett, and almost does it correctly. While Barrett is fighting the hold, Axel covers Barrett for the victory. Okay, that's better than the finish I came up with. Well done.

Mark Henry returns tomorrow. And not a moment too soon.

Triple H and Mr. McMahon are backstage. Now Triple H doesn't want to wrestle Axel tonight. Yeah, Hunter's already held that title a bunch of times.

Let us take you back to Smackdown, where Kaitlyn beat up a referee. Time for Kaitlyn vs. A.J. for the Divas title. I don't know who's winning the match, but A.J. won the war of the outfits.

Lawler thinks all women secretly hate each other. How'd that third divorce work out for you, King?

The announcers put over the strength and power advantage Kaitlyn has. I know. She's like a little Tommy Kono out there. (Take THAT, Layfield.)

Kaitlyn chooses to dish out damage to A.J., letting her fellow chickbuster get back into the match. A.J. wins with that octopus hold and is your new Divas champions. The fans love Kaitlyn so much they chant "You tapped out" at her.

Kaitlyn's mom comes down the aisle to give Kaitlyn a hug. Oh, wait, that's Layla. Awkward. I got confused because they're dressed alike.

For expert analysis on the previous two matches, we go upstairs to Big Show and the World's Largest Vest. Then, it's time for the Wyatt Family video. Somebody watched the first season of "Justified" while doing peyote.

"Do you want to relieve all of WWE's weekly television programs?" I hope Michael Cole was looking for the word "relive" there. Oh, yeah, it's time for Dean Ambrose vs. Kane for the United States title.

"The United States Title was held by great wrestlers such as David Flair," said no one, ever. Kane gets DDT'd on the outside and we get our first countout on the night and...wait. They're bringing back WHO?

Time for our World Title match. Ziggler vs. Del Rio. Dolph looks okay so far. The announcers point out how brave Ziggler is in his first match back from a concussion. The crowd, of course, is chanting for Rob Van Dam.

Langston interferes, and gets thrown out from ringside. Del Rio works the head. That's too heelish for the crowd, so he works the back, then teases the armbreaker. Yeah, that was stupid by Del Rio. Great, now I'M defending heel tactics.

Remember that double turn we all thought we were getting during the CM Punk bout? Right idea, wrong match. Del Rio's back to going after the head and Dolph's the brave fellow who won't quit. Del Rio does his best Shawn Michaels impression, Dolph does his best Ric Flair impression, and Del Rio wins the World Title back.

A.J. is in tears. And the crowd is chanting for Dolph. It worked. But you, you already knew that.

And we go upstairs to the booth, where we hear from the WWE Roundtable, I mean, the "Expert Panel." No, wait, Del Rio is back out here to rub it in. Good move.

Time for the Punk vs. Jericho video package. Yeah, I guess this is the best time for it. Jericho does his entrance. And now, it's clobbering time. C.M. Punk has returned to WWE. And he brought his hair with him! Good to see the Punker. The crowd agrees with me.

(Don't forget James Caldwell and Greg Parks are doing the post-game Livecast on PWTorchLivecast.com at 11:30 PM Eastern.)

The announcers point out that Punk's lost his last three pay-per-view matches. That's a good point, but I can't believe I'm hearing it from WWE announcers.

Jericho's taking over here. Lawler and JBL are actually talking about ring rust. Punk uses a counter on Jericho that looked neat, but would never happen in a real fight. (Wait, why am I mentioning this NOW? I've seen pro wrestling before.)

Heyman hops onto the apron, distracting both Jericho and Punk. I have a feeling we might hear about this later. Punk finally has to hit back-to-back Go To Sleep moves on Jericho to get the victory. The crowd goes nuts.

Jerry Lawler gets to put over Hollywood Undead. That's good subtle comedy. Your tag title match is next. And yes, it's good to position the tag team title match this late in the show. Although you have to wonder how the main event is supposed to follow this.

(Oh, if you want to find out who my guest is this Wednesday, James Caldwell will announce it during the postgame show on PWTorchLivecast.com.)

JBL compares Bryan and Orton to Slave Girl Moolah & Elephant Boy. No, I don't know which is which.

The Shield cuts the ring in half and work over Randy Orton. The crowd, of course, is chanting for Rob Van Dam. Orton makes the hot tag to The World's Toughest Former Vegan. Bryan actually hits a top-rope butterfly superplex on Rollins. The faces have a couple of miscommunications and Rollins curbstomps Bryan for the victory.

Tonight's show is sponsored by...The Ad Council? Seriously? Your main event is next.

Cena vs. Ryback, 3 Stages of Hell. The first fall is a lumberjack match. The lumberjacks do not perform a Monty Python sketch. (You save that sort of thing for Raw.) It's Alex Riley! Wearing an Alex Riley T-shirt! (Must be the prototype.)

So, thirty lumberjacks and NO ONE is wearing a flannel shirt? Or carrying an ax handle? Come on, man!

There have only been three other 3 Stages of Hell matches in WWE history. That's because the 3 Stages of Hell matches are dangerous and destructive. And because Triple H wouldn't let anyone else do one.

We're about five minutes into this baby (it just feels longer) when everyone battles out to ringside. Since Herb Abrams isn't booking, this doesn't end by countout. Ryback recovers first and wins the opening fall.

Cena gets Ryback up. Ryback, while on Cena's back, flips the table out of the way. Jeez, he's strong. Ryback batters Cena with the steps, forgetting that this is not a steps match.

Ryback starts to say "Ryback, get the tables!" before remembering that, um, HE'S Ryback. He gets the table anyway. Which was nice of Ryback. Cena puts Ryback through the table to even things at one fall each. Ryback puts Cena through the announce table, but the third fall doesn't work that way.

Cena and Ryback brawl over to the ambulance. Cena opens the side panel and takes inventory. Cotton swabs, no. Blood pressure cuff, no. Crutch? Yes. It's somewhat effective, but not as good as putting Ryback through the ambulance door.

Ryback rips off the right quarter panel and hits Cena with it. Okay, that I like. Cena rips the mounted red lights off the roof and hits Ryback with them. Cena puts Ryback through the roof of the ambulance for the win. I wish I called that in advance. Oh, wait. I did.

That's it for WWE Payback. Now go listen to James and Greg do the postgame show at half-past over on PWTorchLivecast.com. VIP members, your Torch VIP Roundtable will be ready for you in a little over an hour. Good night, everybody!

We suggest these recent related articles...

McNEILL's Late Night Deadblog - WWE Night of Champions: Bucklebombs, Light-up Jackets, Poachers, IcoPro, Eddie, more!

Night of Gold: McNEILL Previews Night Of Champions 2015 (w/Wrestling History Lesson)

Double Duty: McNEILL previews ROH's All-Star Extravaganza VII pay-per-view!