By Pat McNeill, PWTorch Columnist

PWTorch Columnist Pat McNeill will be blogging...something something wrestling humor during WWE Extreme Rules.

Hi! The preshow will start shortly, and you're listening to "Live It Up" by Band Pretending To Be AC/DC. I'll call you when something actually happens.

WWE's version of the Fox NFL pregame show is underway. It's Renee Young, Wade Barrett, Titus O'Neil and Is Mick Foley Wearing A Suit? Let's watch a video package.

"Say, Mick Foley, you've lost about, oh, a billion hardcore matches. What's your prediction for this match?"

We get highlights of Cena vs. Batista from 2010. You know what's missing? ESPN's Jon Gruden breaking down the film. "Okay, HERE's where Cena goes for the duct tape!"

Time for The Miz vs. Cody Rhodes. Over/under for this bout: 90 seconds. Between the play-by-play stylings of Tony Dawson and this feed, I feel like I'm watching this on "WWE '13 Vision."

Yeah, The Miz won. Now go put Tony Dawson back into his crate for the Superstars taping tomorrow.

While the opening video airs, let's field a question from Twitter. "RichMonk11" writes "Is there a gimmick added to the Kofi and Ambrose match?"

Yes, Rich, there is. Not only does the winner get the United States Title, he also gets the honor of appearing on the pre-show panel at next month's "WWE Payback" pay-per-view. Thanks for reading!

In a minor upset, we're kicking things off with Chris Jericho vs. Fandango. Summer Rae's outfit is worth the upgrade to HD pay-per-view.

Oops, Michael Cole screwed up and almost gave tonight's real attendance, instead of the number he's been fed through the headset.

Say, did you know that Fandango's a ballroom dancer? And that Michael Cole took ballroom dancing? Yes, I might have picked up on that after the first dozen times the announcers mentioned it.

Fandango jumped off the top rope and into Jericho's Codebreaker. Jericho wins.

Josh Mathews asks Sheamus how he plans to drag Mark Henry to all four corners during the strap match. Well, if they're using that humongous 30 foot strap Mark Henry used on Raw, that won't be a problem, will it?

Next, it's Kingston vs. Ambrose for the United States title. Cole points out that Ambrose isn't used to wrestling singles matches. Except for that match against Undertaker on Smackdown. And that other match the next week against Kane. And that match against Daniel Bryan the week after that...

Kingston has Ambrose knocked out at ringside, and goes out to drag Ambrose back into the ring. JBL immediately points out what a dumb idea that was. And since this is WWE, JBL was right. Ambrose hits the Headlock Driver and wins clean. Oh, well.

We get a commercial for the WWE app. No, an actual commercial.

Time for the strap match. Lawler and JBL tell us there's no way Sheamus can win this match. Spoiler: Sheamus is winning.

Of course, there's only one ending for a strap match. They tease it once, with both men touching three corners each. The actual finish is Sheamus hitting the Brogue Kick and touching the fourth corner. I guess that's okay. Just don't tell Wahoo McDaniel what happened.

Backstage, Kaitlyn complains that A.J. Lee is using Dolph Ziggler's injury as an excuse to not fight Kaitlyn for her title. Wow. So many things wrong with that skit, and that's before the bad jokes drop.

Time for the I Quit match. While we're speaking of things that don't make sense, here comes the heel, Zeb Colter, to complain about the IRS scandal and the government wiretapping our phones. Colter realizes that's not working, so he starts insulting foreigners.

Colter tells us that Jack Swagger's America has begun. Okay. Are they wiretapping our phones in Jack Swagger's America? Where does Jack stand on health care? Write up a position paper and tell us about it on C-Span.

The match begins. They take turns whacking each other with a kendo stick. "Do you quit?" "NOOOOOOOOO!" "How about now?" "NOOOOOOOO!" It's not exactly Magnum vs. Tully here.

Ricardo thinks about throwing in the towel. Zeb Colter takes the towel from Ricardo and throws it in for him. Ref Mike Chioda awards the match to Swagger. Then a second ref runs in and persuades Chioda to watch the INSTANT REPLAY. The match is restarted.

Del Rio goes to kick Swagger with the ankle Swagger damaged seconds ago. Del Rio collapses in a heap. No, wait. That's what would have happened in a different universe. Del Rio kicks Swagger a bunch of times, then forces the submission with the armbreaker. Well, that's over.

Josh Mathews interviews Ryback. Ryback doesn't even wait for Josh to ask a question before starting his spiel. Having seen decades worth of backstage interviews, I can't blame Ryback.

Tag team title match. Daniel Bryan and Kane vs. Rollins & Reigns. Bryan locks the surfboard on Rollins. Cole says that if Rollins taps out, he loses the match. I want to see how Rollins taps out without using his arms. Or maybe I don't.

The Shield eventually catches Bryan with their version of the Demolition finisher (except Seth hits a kneedrop, and Reigns has Bryan over his head and...Okay, it's nothing like the Demolition finisher.) We have new tag team champions.

Breaking News: Wade Barrett is now wearing a dress shirt.

Randy Orton vs. Big Show is next. They're using furniture. After hitting each other with stuff, Big Show lays a ladder across the chairs, lays Orton on the ladder and goes off the second rope to squash Orton. Of course, Randy moved out of the way. That move was brought to you by Bad Idea Jeans.

Show kicks out of the RKO. So he RKO's Show again, on a chair. And he busts out the soccer punt(!) to finish Show off. Oh, my.

John Cena vs. Ryback for the WWE Title is next. I've got a bad feeling about this. Also, I'm guessing Ryback's promos are rejected dialogue from WWE Studios' scripts.

Why do I have a bad felling about this? Cena's match is now. Which means the cage match is on last. Yeah, I know.

The match begins. The announcers wonder how either man can be kept down for a ten count. You guys don't watch many WWE pay-per-views, do you?

This isn't exactly a five-star masterpiece, but the fans are really into both wrestlers, so that helps. They brawl into the crowd, around to the stage, and then Ryback grabs Cena and drives him through the Wall of Lights into the back.

Cena's laid out on the metal rigging, and Ryback is out on the concrete. Here come the EMT's. And here comes the booing of the crowd!

Cena and Ryback are being loaded into the ambulance. Referee Charles Robinson is riding with the ambulance, and will restart the match as soon as someone regains consciousness. Okay, I'm kidding. It's a no contest.

Well, we're all concerned about both wrestlers. Now let's get ready for the violent steel cage match in the main event. Let's go up to Justin Roberts:

"This contest is a steel cage match. It can only be won by pinfall, submission, or escaping the cage. Or I guess you can run your opponent through a wall, like in that last match."

Triple H attacks before the bell. And they go fifty-fifty against each other until Hunter hurts Brock's knee. Hunter has the match won, but Heyman slams the cage door on Triple H's head. No, really.

Lesnar fights back, but Triple H had the sledgehammer hidden on top of the cage the whole time. I've changed my mind. This is actually funny. Heyman runs into the cage and saves Lesnar again, getting himself pedigreed in the process. But Heyman recovers(!) and hits Hunter with a low blow. Lesnar sledgehammers Hunter in the face and hits the F-5. Brock Lesnar wins.

So, it's going to be Triple H vs. Paul Heyman next month at "Payback," right?

WWE goes to the postgame show, and I guess we will too. Good night, everybody!

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