By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Pat McNeill invites you to join him here at around 6 p.m. EDT for the most important five hours in professional wrestling this weekend.

Let's see...Drinks, check. Remotes, check. HDTV, check. Computer with widescreen monitor, check. Comfy chair, check. Wife enjoying Matlock marathon on the other TV, check. Pizza on the way, check. So what have I forgotten as we head for our first hour of WrestleMania?

Oh, yeah. The first hour is on YouTube. You know, you'd think $60 would get you the right to watch the crummy pregame show without changing channels. Anyway...

I'm okay with this Diddy song. Just not for five hours in a row.

And now, the YouTube pre-game show. This is where Torch columnist Sean Radican learns that it's possible to watch wrestling online without the "feed" going out. Yeah, I said it.

Vince McMahon is introducing the pregame show. Really. This is going to be a weird night.

There's Josh Mathews & Matt Striker, encouraging us to tout our favorite WrestleMania moments. Well, that's more like it. Then we cut to Scott Stanford and the studio set high above the field, with Jim Ross, Kofi Kingston and Dusty Rhodes on commentary. Holy crap, they're doing the UFC on Fox setup! That's classic.

You know what would sell WrestleMania? Another video package of Zeb Colter ranting about the government. That'll put butts in the seats.

Have I ever wanted to watch WrestleMania on my SMART PHONE?! You're kidding, right?

I'm coming home. I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know my kingdom awaits...

Sorry about that. Got carried away.

Backstage at WrestleMania, Snooki is the official social media tweeter for WrestleMania. Oh. I guess I can log off now, if Snooki is on the case.

Matt Striker takes us back to where Mark Henry broke the world combine bench press record in front of 93,173 fans two weeks ago at Friday Night Smackdown.

Back in the studio, Kofi Kingston explains that Ryback vs. Mark Henry is the immovable object versus the immovable object. If THAT didn't make enough sense for you, Dusty Rhodes started talking.

More video packages. We're not getting any more matches added to the pre-show. Oh, boy! Let's see those Touts!

Good news. Twenty minutes until the hour, and we're going to have our Intercontinental Title match! Really! Wade Barrett vs. The Miz.

You have to love WWE director Kevin Dunn. He managed to find the only Miz fans in the stadium and get them on camera. I kid. Maybe.

You know, I remember now why Matt Striker doesn't do commentary more often. Miz beats Barrett clean with the figure-four leglock. That's almost as good as winning the WrestleMania main event two years ago.

Remember the crazed Miz fans at ringside? That's Miz's family. Okay, that makes sense.

The moment the Rock-Cena package starts, I'm switching over to the pay-per-view feed. Just so you know.

Well, the highlight of the pregame show was Dusty saying that The Rock is in the best shape of his life, and Jim Ross looking at Dusty like he had two heads.

======================================

Okay, time for a reset. It's almost 7 PM Eastern, we are LIVE from couchside. I am joined by senior puddy tat Peanut McNeill, who is trying to catch a name. Drinks are here. Mrs. McNeill has made homemade pizza(!) and we're set for a fabulous evening's apocalypse.

We kick off WrestleMania 29 with...New Jersey governor Chris Christie? Ah, it's an appeal to repair the damage from Hurricane Sandy. Right.

Apparently, most of these "WrestleMania moments" involve actual professional wrestling. Don't tell Vince.

Your opening match is Orton/Sheamus/Big Show vs. The Shield. The Shield, as usual, enters through the crowd. At Giants Stadium. Maybe that wasn't such a hot idea.

John Layfield explains that the numbers always favor The Shield. Because three is more than...three. Yeah, that's who I want giving me investment advice.

Good match so far. The ringside crowd...is busy trying to get all their signs on camera.

Rollins tries a suicide dive onto Orton at ringside. And Seth...misses. Oh, that looked painful.

Sheamus goes to tag Big Show, but Orton tags himself in instead. Yeah, bad move. Reigns spears Orton and Ambrose pins The Viper. Big Show looks disgusted. Harsh words are exchanged and...Big Show turns heel, knocking out Sheamus and Orton. Then again, it's not like he officially turned babyface in the first place.

It's that Rock vs. Cena video package. Again. Seriously, does WWE get paid by the number of times this airs?

Jerry Lawler informs us that Snooki wants to return to the ring on a future WrestleMania. Dead silence from Cole and JBL.

Up next, Ryback vs. Mark Henry in the "I'm Not Touching You" match. JBL compares Ryback to Bill Kazmaier. God bless JBL. The crowd is cheering for Mark Henry. God bless this crowd.

After getting clobbered by Mark Henry, Ryback gets Mark Henry up for the Shell...No, he doesn't. Ryback goes splat and Henry gets the victory. Ryback gets to beat up Henry after the match.

Great. Now I have to look up the last time a wrestler lost on six consecutive pay-per-views. Thanks a pantload, WWE.

Team Hell No vs. Ziggy & Big E. is next.

"I'm going to get involved in a three-way if I can" - Jerry Lawler, taken out of context (this time).

Your WWE Tag Team Titles are on the line. Ziggler kisses A.J. at the start of the match and Bryan very nearly pins Dolph. Good spot.

Cole explains that Big E. Langston can bench press like Ryback and Mark Henry did on Smackdown, except for real. Team Hell No hits Dolph with the chokeslam/flying goat combo to win the match and keep the titles.

John Cena supports the Make-A-Wish foundation, and WWE supports this year's Special Olympics. I'm okay with this.

It's time for Chris Jericho vs. Fandango. I don't think Jericho has prepared for Fandango's Army of Hot Chicks In Purple Dresses. "It's a game changer, Michael!"

It's great hearing JBL try to rip Fandango apart without saying anything that would violate WWE's anti-bullying policy. Oops, I spoke too soon. JBL called Fandango a sissy.

Fandango hits a small package and pins Jericho. The crowd goes mild. Cole and friends actually followed the match storyline (with Jericho injuring his knee off the quebrada) but no one in the stadium got it.

So far, this is an enjoyable show. But I can barely hear the crowd. I'm not sure if the audience sound is off, or if the fans aren't reacting. Except for Fandango's win. That was a definite lack of reaction.

Time for Diddy's musical performance. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

It's Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger for the Smackdown title, up next on Fox News Sunday.

Zeb Colter wants to know when we let "them" take over New York City. Them foreigners. Um, I think the foreigners took over when they bought Manhattan for a bunch of beads and stuff.

Is it chilly there at MetLife Stadium? Because it looks chilly.

Wouldn't Zeb's heel gimmick work bet if he WASN'T a Vietnam veteran? You know, if he was a "chicken hawk" like some politicians who shall remain nameless?

Decent match with Del Rio scoring the submission with the flying armbar. Del Rio's celebration is cut short when WWE goes to an ad promoting their partnership with the National Guard.

What's left? The three main matches and the eight-person tag team match. The Undertaker vs. C.M. Punk is next.

Breaking News: Living Colour? Still alive.

Undertaker comes through with another awesome entrance. Before this match, I thought Puffy Diddy was going to have the most elaborate entrance on the show, and that made me sad.

It's good that I respect The Undertaker. Because if I didn't, I'd feel obligated to make fun of that stupid jacket he's wearing.

Now the crowd is wide awake. So they were waiting for a major match to happen, and WWE (for once) put all three big matches at the back at the show. Bad timing.

Paul Heyman is so loud at ringside that it's like having a fourth man in the booth. So far, the added crowd noise is making the match seem better than it is. Unlike what we saw earlier.

The story thus far is that Punk keeps escaping all of Undertaker's big moves. Punk's had most of the offense, and that's given Mister Straight Edge some credibility.

Undertaker no-sells the GTS. C.M. Punk kicks out of the Tombstone. And there's your ref bump. Undertaker hits a second Tombstone, and that's the win.

This wasn't as good as Undertaker vs. Michaels, but this IS the first match on the show that's worth a repeat viewing.

After a plug for Slim Jims and the USO, we're getting YET ANOTHER video package for Rock vs. Cena, the third different one of the show.

Tonight, John Cena gets to rewrite history. Ooh, I'D like to do that. Can I have RGIII not blow out his knee last season? And maybe I could have dated more in high school...

The Game versus The Pain, next. Shawn Michaels gets his own ring entrance for no discernible reason.

The next match might not last as long as Triple H's ring entrance.

So far, it looks like Brock is willing to take some shots from Hunter. Oops. Overhead belly-to-belly by Lesnar, on the pretty black mats. And an Attitude Adjustment through the Spanish announce table. The crowd reaction? Not so hot.

Jesus, do these guys owe each other money or something? This is brutal. And now we're back outside the ring. Hunter hits Brock with a chair. John Layfield asks "How gutsy is Triple H?" Personally, I think it takes more guts to hit the guy WITHOUT using the chair.

Lesnar hits the F-5. On Shawn Michaels. Brock kicks out of the Pedigree. F-5 on Hunter, and Hunter kicks out. And Lesnar has a split lower lip.

I don't know how many fans are at WrestleMania. But I know how many of them are rooting for Triple H. None. The best part is when the truck tries to cut the ringside sound so you can't hear fans chanting "Break his arm" at Lesnar.

Triple H goes after Brock's arm with a steel chair. And again. And a kimura by The Game. Michaels knocks Heyman out to keep Paul from interfering. And Brock powers out of the kimura and dumps Hunter on the steel steps. Great.

A couple more kimura attempts, and then The Game DDT's Lesnar on the steps. I don't have parachute pants, but Here Comes The Hammer. Pedigree on the steps and Hunter wins one for the McFamily.

And yes, if you're going to have Hunter win, it's better to have Brock lose by pinfall. The former UFC champ tapping out seems too unlikely.

Commercial for WWE Extreme Rules.

As a public service message, WWE wants you to know that Rock has a movie coming out.

There's a recap of the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. Apparently, the difference between being a member of the WWE Family and the WWE Universe has to do with the size of the check you receive.

Tonight's attendance is 80,676. (My ass.)

Hey, kids, guess which match ISN'T happening at WrestleMania? That's right. No mixed tag match tonight, because John Cena is on his way to the ring. They love John Cena. Somewhere. Not here.

We can't hear the announcers. And I'm guessing it's not because Mr. McMahon decided the main event would be better without commentary.

The announcers are back, and we have WrestleMania sized crowd heat. I'm guessing next year we'll be talking about how great the crowd is, and that'll be because WrestleMania 30's at a temperature-controlled indoor stadium.

Rock vs. Cena. JBL compares Cena to former NFL star Jim Kelly. Even if I HADN'T read Missy Hyatt's autobiography, I'd be offended.

This match is just getting going. The crowd is heavily behind The Rock. Whatever WWE has planned for a finish, they'll have a hard time getting fans to cheer Cena after the match.

Cena misses a top rope move, for the second year in a row. People's Elbow, and Cena kicks out. Cena kicks out of two Rock Bottoms. Rock kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment.

Rock kicks out of the Attitude Adjustment for a second time. Then Cena hits a Rock Bottom, and Rock kicks out again. Cena has a look on his face that says "I don't KNOW any other moves."

Okay, there we go. Cena hits another Attitude Adjustment and wins. Well, THERE are the Cena fans. They waited for him to win before cheering. How thoughtful.

Rock and Cena hug. The crowd hates that. Michael Cole calls it a main event for the ages. Specifically, Ages 4-12.

Good night, everybody. Go over to PWTorchLivecast.com and join James and Greg for the postgame show. VIP members, we should have a Roundtable up in about 90 minutes.

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