By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of Paul "Ass-Kicker" Levesque, Stephanie "Twitter Mom" McMahon Levesque and WWE President Don Draper. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Schick Super II razor blades, the only twin blades with a Teflon coating, to get your face into Schick Shape. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, unless it's not funny enough.

WrestleMania has come to New Jersey, right across the river from New York City. As a result, there's been an orgy of media attention surrounding the event, the Fan Axxess convention, the Hall of Fame induction ceremony, all the shows from other promotions, and WrestleCon. Of course, the real coverage is Sunday night here on PWTorch.com, as we handle the 60 minute pregame show, the four-hour event, and our two different postgame shows. In short, don't try to converse with me before about 11 AM on Monday morning.

With all this this, the actual matches seem like an afterthought. Everyone thinks they know what will happen during the big matches, but WWE likes to throw some curveballs at WrestleMania. So expect the unexpected. I know that's not real helpful, especially if you're trying to lay bets with overseas gambling sites.

Before we talk about WrestleMania XXIX, let's get to this month's edition of the Wrestling History Lesson, because that's why many of you clicked here in the first place. Twenty years ago, on April 4th, 1993, WWE gave us WrestleMania IX from Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Unlike this Sunday's show, WrestleMania IX kicked off with an Intercontinental Title bout, with Shawn Michaels defending the championship against Tatanka. Jim Ross, Bobby Heenan and the late Randy Savage had the call.





Did you get to see the main event of WWE Raw? No? Don't sweat it. Here it is, as The Funkadactyls face The Bella Twins in a big tag team match.



What was happening on WWF Raw fifteen years ago? I'm glad you asked! On April 6, 1998, Raw was pretaped from Syracuse, New York. And in the main event, the Degeneration X trio of Triple H, Road Dogg & Billy Gunn faced Chainz, Skull & 8-Ball in a big six-man tag. Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler & Sean Waltman (yes, Sean Waltman) had the call.



Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and John B. Layfield will probably be announcing this show. On with the projections!

We'll probably have more than one bout on the preshow. I vote for a 29-man battle royal with the long-suffering Kofi Kingston eliminating Antonio Cesaro for the victory.

Wade Barrett vs. The Miz (WWE Intercontinental Title): Why, yes, this is your other pre-show match. Projection? Barrett wins with that discus elbow thing he does.

Brodus Clay & Tensai & The Funkadactyls vs. Rhodes Scholars & The Bella Twins: Between this match and the Fandango caper later, WWE's first hour might be an Electric Six style Dance Epidemic. Projection? It would be nice if this were a breakout moment for the tag team of Rhodes and Sandow, but come on. This is our tag team and divas combo match. Which means, we dance. Naomi pins Brie Bella and everybody gets funky.

Chris Jericho vs. Fandango: So, what's the most worrisome part about the Fawn-Don-Goo gimmick? Is it the fact that Chris Jericho has to put over the latest goofy Johnny Curtis gimmick? Or is it the fact that Fandango will need a hip replacement unless he learns how to do that top rope legdrop. Projection? Jericho pins Fandango with a Codebreaker. Why? Well, Fandango's not a main event gimmick, the people are there to see a Jericho win, and you can always have Fandango beat Jericho on Raw, where more people will see it.

Daniel Bryan & Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston w/ A.J. Lee (WWE World Tag Team Titles): WWE might have Kaitlyn come to ringside with the tag team champions to offset the appearance of A.J. Lee, and so she can have a "WrestleMania moment" when the payoffs come in this summer. Projection? Langston pins Daniel Bryan after some more light comedy, and the tag belts go to Ziggy and Big E.

Ryback vs. Mark Henry: It's the battle of the big men. WWE, as a prank, leaked a fake WrestleMania match schedule which listed this match as going twelve minutes. I mean, you'd think that'd be a giveaway, right? There's no way Ryback's getting twelve minutes, on top of which, this is the match most likely to get cut in half if things start running long. Projection? Mark Henry wins with the World's Strongest Slam, setting up a Del Rio vs. Henry feud. Hey, that's the way I'd book it.

Randy Orton, Sheamus Farrelly & Big Show vs. Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns: The Shield is undefeated in six-man tag team action, but there's no way WWE would have Orton, Sheamus & Big Show lose at Mania, right? Projection? There's a miscommunication among the good guys. Orton gets pissy and drops Sheamus with an RKO. Orton walks out and Rollins pins Sheamus after the Triple Bomb. The Shield remains undefeated, and you get a Orton vs. Sheamus feud out of it, which will headline Smackdown every week until we die. Good times. Seriously, Orton's better as a heel, and Sheamus needs a new opponent.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger w/ Uncle Bearded Guy (WWE Smackdown Title): This might be the opening match of WrestleMania. I'm warning you about this now, so you'll be mentally prepared. The plan has been to get Hispanic fans behind Del Rio by having him fight off a series of domestic menaces. I don't think it's working very well. Projection? Del Rio wins the flying armbar. Swagger gets some time off after WrestleMania to move out west and get a fake prescription which would allow him to use medical marijuana to treat his glaucoma. Maybe he can find a driver while he's at it.

Triple H (w/ Shawn Michaels) vs. Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman): For the past few weeks, it sure has looked as though WE resigned Brock Lesnar so the former UFC champion could put The Game over at MetLife Stadium at WrestleMania. Projection? The idea of Triple H beating Lesnar straight up is a bad one. But not as bad as it would be to have Triple H lose, and then have to bring him back with some sort of ridiculous non-explanation. Shawn Michaels fights off the attempted interference of Paul Heyman, and Triple H hits Lesnar with a sledgehammer for the victory.

The Undertaker vs. C.M. Punk: Weeks ago, WWE decided not to pretend C.M. Punk had a fighting chance against The Undertaker, and concentrated on having Punk piss off the Dead Man. That hasn't gone well. Projection? Punk survives a lot, until Undertaker forces a submission with Hell's Gate. Punk takes a couple of months off and returns at the "Payback" event in June.

The Rock vs. John Cena (WWE Title): All the talk about The Rock staying through May has died down, and now the Great One isn't even advertised for the Extreme Rules pay-per-view in May. I guess it's time. Projection? The Rock and John Cena push each other for twenty minutes of back and forth action until Cena hits one last Attitude Adjustment for the victory and the WWE Title.

Aftermath: On Monday Night Raw, John Cena gets his brains bashed in by The Shield, and Dolph Ziggler cashes in his Money In the Bank briefcase and wins the WWE Title for the first time. Now THAT's how you start a new season in World Wrestling Entertainment.

EDIT: How do we get around the fact that Ziggler's briefcase was only to be used for a World Heavyweight Title shot? That's a good question. I figure Cena could somehow upset Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox, so they change the rules on Cena. Raw's a three-hour show. There's plenty of time for that.

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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a PWTorch Columnist since 2001. He's already missed on Jay Briscoe's title win and Johnny Gargano's heel turn, so maybe tonight will be the trifecta.

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