By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

Wake the pets and call the neighbors. It's time for our monthly TNA Wrestling pay-per-view preview column!

DISCLAIMER: Projections are made by myself and for myself with absolutely no assistance from Eric Bischoff, Brother Love, Dave "I Want Wrestling" Lagana or anybody else in Carter Country. Projections are not predictions, because this is the column where everything's made up and the points don't matter. No TNA employees have been harmed in the writing of this column. This preview has been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnall's porch since noon today. Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Anbesol Cold Sore Therapy. The only one with Vitamin E and aloe. Anbesol Cold sore Therapy: Put it on, the pain is gone. This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. Also remember that my projections are based on what I would do if I had control over Total Nonstop Action, unless it's not funny enough.

Do you remember two months ago, when Total Nonstop Action Wrestling announced they were cutting back from twelve pay-per-views per year to four? One of the arguments for this move was that it would make TNA pay-per-views feel like more of an event, and give the promotion time to build the shows up. What actually happened was the company spent one month setting up for Lockdown, as opposed to the two weeks they used to spend setting up a major event. So, mission accomplished there.

I still have a question, despite watching the past couple of weeks of Impact. Is the Aces & Eights organization chart available online? I ask because I don't think I understand the setup. Ken Anderson, the former TNA World Champion, answers to Sgt. Devon, the TNA Television Champion. Devon has played an important role in TNA, but he hasn't been the main star. Then Devon answers to the Vice President of Aces & Eights, D-Lo Brown, who was less of a headliner than Devon. Does this make sense?

On the other hand, in this day and age it is so nice to see that the evil biker gang is racially integrated. Coexist, my brothers.

Also, ProWrestling.NET (and others) are reporting that Bobby Roode's contract has expired. That wouldn't be a big deal, except Roode is one-half of the TNA World Tag Team Champions. But given the history of TNA, and Eric Bischoff, a lot of fans are suspicious of some sort of work. You know, like Roode missing his match and returning at the end of the night as the Aces & Eights leader. I know it's difficult to imagine a TNA executive being so awful at his job, but this sort of thing has happened before in TNA. And Ring of Honor (Kenny King). And WCW (Meng/Haku). And, for that matter, WWE (Alundra Blayze and Jeff Jarrett). So, let's keep an open mind.

More on tonight's event later. Let's go on to this week's Wrestling History Lesson. Twenty years ago, on March 20, 1993, World Championship Wrestling aired an episode of WCW Worldwide that had been taped in Dothan, Alabama. The tournament to crown a new WCW Television Champion was in the quarterfinal round. Your two competitors? Vinnie Vegas and Robbie V. Tony Schiavone has the call.



Here's the main event of last week's episode of TNA Xplosion, and it features two of this Sunday's Lockdown competitors. It's Chavo Guerrero locking up with Robbie E. Jeremy Borash and Todd Keneley are on commentary.



TNA was nice enough to provide FREE access to their copy of the Lethal Lockdown match from the Lockdown 2008 pay-per-view, which was headlined by Team Cage (Christian Cage, Sting, Rhino, Matt Morgan & Kevin Nash) vs. Team Tomko (Travis Tomko, A.J. Styles, James Storm, Brother Ray & Brother Devon) Wow. I have almost no memory of this. Mike Tenay and Don West have the call.



Great news. Unlike some previous TNA pay-per-views, we expect tonight's show to take place in front of an actual audience. On with the projections!

Joseph Park vs. Joey Ryan: Boy, it's a good thing TNA had two months to build this pay-per-view, so we don't get stuck watching matches the company threw together at the last minute. Projection? Ryan gets a bunch of offense. Park goes crazy and wins with a Black Hole Slam.

Robbie T vs. Robbie E: Yes, it's the long-anticipated battle of the Robbies. The company has done a fine job setting up the match. The problem is, Rob Terry's going to have to wrestle. So let's hope he's improved over the past year. Projection? Robbie E pulls it out thanks to the help of his new bro, T-Money, the artist formerly known as Crimson. Send a thief to catch a thief, or something like that.

Kenny King vs. Christian York vs. Zema Ion (TNA X Division Title): Hey, did you hear that Rob Van Dam's contract is up? But don't worry. TNA is now able to fit under the X Division salary cap. Projection? King hits York with the Coronation to hold on to that X Division title.

Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim (TNA Knockouts Title): Velvet won the championship in a multi-person bout, but now she has to face Gail Kim straight up. Projection? Velevt wins with the In Yo' Face to keep the fans happy. Also, if Velvet gets a moment tomorrow, she might want to correct some, uh, inaccuracies on her Wikipedia page.

Austin Aries & Bobby Roode vs. Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez vs. Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian (TNA World Tag Team Titles): There are two possible scenarios here. One is that Roode is signed and ready to go. The other is that Roode's not showing up for his match. In that case, this match is for the vacant tag team titles and Doug Williams would be my first choice as Aries' replacement partner. Projection? Either way, Bad Influence catches Chavito with a spiked Fade to Black and Kazarian pins Chavo. We have new TNA World Tag Team Champions.

Kurt Angle vs. Wes Brisco (Cage Match): TNA immediately regrets this decision. Milk was a bad choice. And I think even Kurt Angle will have difficulty turning this into a good match. Projection? Angle gets busted open, but wins with the Angle Slam. I mean, come on.

Team TNA (Sting, James Storm, Samoa Joe, Magnus & Eric Young) vs. Team Aces & Eights (Sgt. Devon, Ken Anderson, Doc Hankinson, Mike Knox & Garret Bischoff) in a Lethal Lockdown match: So, you remember how when Aces & Eights, they had twenty or so masked guys, instead of the magnificent seven or eight they have now? What happened to all those other guys? Projection? Once the match gets to five on five, the other dozen or so masked Aces & Eights guys hit ringside to force open the cage. In the melee, Sgt. Devon knocks Eric Young out with a blackjack and pins him. Come on, you didn't think this was over, did you? TNA security runs off the gang of biker extras.

Jeff Hardy vs. Bully Ray (TNA World Heavyweight Title): The way this storyline is going, everything seems to be foreshadowing Bully Ray winning the title and going heel. Or does it? Bully's done such a good job becoming a top babyface that it seems like a waste to turn him at this point. Plus, we still need a mastermind behind Aces & Eights. Bully doesn't make sense, and if Eric Bischoff is revealed as the mastermind behind Aces and Eights, the fans are going to crap on it. So, what happened on Impact that we can build on?

1) D-Lo Brown is the vice-president of Aces & Eights, making him the lead stooge for the man in charge.
2) Matt Morgan returned to attack Jeff Hardy. That's right, Matt Morgan. I doubt that's a coincidence.

So, true believers, when you think about someone who can command the obedience of Matt Morgan and D-Lo Brown, and someone who has a huge grudge to settle with TNA and Dixie Carter, does anyone spring to mind? Anyone at all? Well, here's how I'd do it.

Projection? Hardy and Bully Ray have an epic-length match in the cage. Hardy ends up winning, but gets no time to celebrate. Because here comes Matt Morgan to kick Jeff's head in with the Carbon footprint. And here comes Aces & Eights, to beat down Bully Ray. And there's a couple of extra masked guys in the cage with them. The extras fight off the TNA wrestlers trying to save Jeff and Bully Ray. The short masked guy has the microphone. And he takes off his mask, and it's...

Jim Cornette. Cornette rants, and introduces the leader of Aces & Eights, a man he's known for three decades, a man who like Cornette has been screwed by Dixie and Hogan and friends...Jeff Jarrett.

Would TNA let Jarrett and Cornette back into their playhouse? Maybe not. But Jarrett and Cornette don't exactly have anywhere else to go right now. And if you surprise fans with Jarrett and Cornette, those fans might be willing to gloss over some of the gaping storyline holes. Plus, we all know who ends up outsmarting Jarrett and Cornette to win this feud.

Aftermath: I can tell you the big pretaped TNA X-Travaganza pay-per-view debuts on April 5th, where fans can see Jerry Lynn wrestle his final TNA match against Rob Van Dam, while Samoa Joe battles Austin Aries in the main event. There will also be a special appearance by multi-time Livecast guest Jimmy Rave, and Chavo Guerrero facing Robbie E in the big return match from this week's episode of Xplosion.

***
Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. He'll be so happy when Clemson basketball season is over. You have no idea. Contact him at patmcneill@live.com

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