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MCNEILL'S TAKE
MCNEILL'S PPV BLOG 2/17: Live Blog for WWE Elimination Chamber - ongoing thoughts & observations

Feb 17, 2013 - 9:57:27 PM
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By Pat McNeill, PWTorch columnist

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Pat McNeill invites you to join us at around 8 p.m. EST for semi-serious coverage of tonight's major WWE pay-per-view. For now, go watch ESPNU.

We are LIVE from couchside. Can I follow the action on the preshow while also following the Clemson basketball game? Yes, if you're not too picky about the details of the preshow.

Tony Dawson and Matt Striker are in the house, running down our lineup. Yeah, more Clemson basketball. How about that Jordan Roper?

Josh Mathews interviews Randy Orton about his strategy for the Elimination Chamber. Randy's been watching old Jake Roberts' promos, and he knows enough not to answer questions like that. Here, have another video package.

Sandow and Rhodes are out first for the preshow match. Rhodes demands a round of applause. They're stalling, and who can blame them. Tensai is dressed the same, except now he's wearing a beret. Matt Striker dubs Brodus and Tensai the Dancing Bears. And I don't think he's being ironic.

The Bears perform a double splat on Rhodes and take home the victory. We get a postmatch dance. It's probably better than watching replays of the match.

We'll be back with the start of the pay-per-view, right after I pay a visit to the Elimination Chamber. By the way, there will be no discussion of that Clemson game. None.

Then, now, forever. Video package. And it's a good one. We're in New Orleans with Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL. And we kick it off with Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show for the WWE Opening Match Title.

Ricardo Rodriguez is back from injury. Thank goodness. Ricardo has Del Rio's towel and slop bucket. Jerry Lawler tells us there's a pay-per-view party going on at his home in Memphis, even though he's in New Orleans. Not even Bruce Mitchell can top that.

This is not as good as the first Del Rio vs. Show match. Until Del Rio kicks out of the chokeslam. That livens up the audience. Show winds up knocking down Ricardo and taking the metal bucket. Del Rio kicks the bucket into Show's head (eventually), takes Show down and gets Show to tap to the cross armbreaker. Cole tells the story of El Patron as a fighting champion.

If you're a Torch VIP member, check out our roundtable after the show. Because we fight on Sunday night, Josh!

I don't know if you've heard this, but The Rock has a movie coming out. In fact, Josh Mathews gets to interview some of Rock's co-stars, who have been forcibly dragged to the show.

Antonio Cesaro vs. The Miz is next.

Miz's shoulder is still heavily taped. On Smackdown, Josh Mathews started talking about how Miz would be a hundred percent for tonight. JBL about had a stroke before he explained that yes, The Miz was hurt. And thank goodness for that. Layfield is a one-man quality control team on Smackdown.

Cesaro apparently called The Miz a "typical American." Oh, no. You're not pinning The Miz on us typical Americans.

Miz rams Cesaro's knee into the ring steps. The crowd figures out that Miz is going to the figure-four. Cesaro trips up Miz as he start to apply the move, and Miz's knee lands on Cesaro's groin. And Cesaro wins by disqualification. Well then.

Backstage, Kane and Daniel Bryan argue over who will earn the right to wrestle in the opening match at WrestleMania. Wait, that can't be right.

Time for Jack Swagger vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry in the Elimination Chamber. Lillian tells us that a new pod will open "approximately every four minutes." No, Lillian, that's not the part you're supposed to read out loud.

Zeb Culter takes the mic and puts heat on Thomas Jefferson for the Louisiana Purchase. Now THAT's a heel, kids. Tune in to MSNBC on Tuesday, where Zeb will be the token anti-immigration guy on the panel.

Michael Cole wonders how Kane would fare in Zeb Culter's America. Oh, come on. I'm sure Kane has his papers with him.

Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan will start the match, to the surprise of, um, no one. This is a pretty good start. Jack Swagger comes out third. No, I didn't time the first period of the match, but Lawler said it went four minutes.

JBL tells Cole that he knows Zeb Culter well, presumably from the time Zeb filled in for him on Fox Business Channel.

Kane is in fourth. Bryan tries a flash pin on Kane and doesn't get it. Kane and Bryan start fighting while Jericho and Swagger watch. Randy Orton is in fifth. He cleans house. It's dueling superplexes.

In about a minute, Mark Henry's going to come in and kill people. Get your popcorn out.

Mark Henry starts killing fools as Cole calls him "a poster boy for annihilation." I'm guessing Henry's never been called a poster boy before. Henry destroys Daniel Bryan. Gone. Henry catches Kane coming off the top and hits the Slam. Kane is gone too.

Jericho and Swagger team up to suplex Mark Henry. Good idea. They perform the suplex on the steel floor beside the ring. Bad idea. The two-on-one battle continues until Orton joins in and catches Henry with an RKO. Mark Henry is eliminated.

Mark Henry doesn't take it well, destroying Swagger, Jericho & Orton before getting pulled out. A substantial portion of the crowd LOVES Mark Henry.

It comes down to what's left of Orton, Jericho and Swagger. Jericho and Orton fight over who gets to eliminate Swagger. Really. Orton finally hits the RKO on Jericho. And then Swagger rolls up Orton from behind to win the Elimination Chamber. How about them apples?

I've heard Jack Swagger's music a couple of times now. Each time, I expect Zeb Culter to start narrating a CBS Bicentennial Minute.

Up next, Cena/Ryback/Sheamus vs. The Shield for the WWE six-man titles. Quick, someone give me a 500 word essay explaining why Jack Swagger and The Shield aren't in the same stable. Go.

John Cena comes out first for his match. Good idea. Get the booing out of the way early.

I'm not saying that last finish was a surprise, but I WILL tell you that #HolyF--kJackSwaggerWon is trending on Twitter.

Okay, this is a seriously fun bout. I think they call it non-stop non-psychology.

Ambrose & Rollins say they're from the real world, not John Cena's world. I don't think I'm a big fan of either world. Can I opt for Earth-2 or the Marvel Universe or something like that?

We've broken down into a traditional six-man tag team match, with Cena taking the heat. This would be great, if you could get anyone to believe Cena's going to submit to Roman Reigns' chinlock.

Ryback gets the hot tag and almost kills The Shield. Seriously, it's a miracle those three are still walking under their own power. Reigns spears Sheamus through a barricade, barely missing Lillian Garcia. Then Reigns spears Ryback and Rollins pins the Big Meathead. The Shield wins.

Somewhere, Rhino is screaming about gimmick infringement.

Dolph Ziggler comes out and complains that he doesn't have a match on the show. Booker T arrives and gives Dolph his match. Against Kofi Kingston.

Apparently it's time to tell jokes about A.J. Lee. That last joke Lawler told is so old, it went to prep school with Vince McMahon.

Ziggler wins with the Zig Zag. Big E. Langston enters the ring after the match, helps Kofi up and takes him out for ice cream. No, I'm kidding. Big E beats the crap out of him. The crowd is so outraged at Langston that they're chanting "One more time."

BREAKING NEWS: Michael Cole has managed to download the "WWE app" onto something called an "eye phone."

Backstage, Brodus Clay and the Funkadactyls are playing with dolls. Brodus calls Tensai "Sweet T." Tensai hates it. Then Cameron calls him "Sweet T." Tensai doesn't hate that nearly as much.

Kaitlyn calls Tamina the scariest woman she's ever met. Kaitlyn's lucky. Tamina doesn't even crack my Top 5.

So Tamina misses the Superfly Splash and Kaitlyn hits the spear for the finish. When I worked indy shows, if you had the same finish in two different matches, somebody would get a talking to. I'm just saying.

WWE is coming home for WrestleMania. Assuming East Rutherford is your home.

The Rock vs. C.M. Punk is your main event, and it's clobbering time. Lawler rails against Punk before the match. John Layfield tells Lawler he's just mad because Punk gave him a heart attack. I thought it was funnier than Lawler did.

Michael Cole reminds us that C.M. Punk is a former five-time world champion. Dude, you're not helping. JBL gets the pleasure of running down Paul Heyman's managerial history. John, all you're doing is confusing him.

If you want to know what Mr. Layfiled was talking about, go google "Original Midnight Express." I'd explain everything, but I'm a little busy right now.

This match is about C.M. Punk trying to get Rock disqualified by baiting the champ into doing something stupid. Rock's not playing. Punk goes to Rock Bottom Dwayne through a table. Of course, this month the table won't break. Awesome.

Time for a ref bump. And a second ref bump. Punk gets to kick out of the Rock Bottom and the People's Elbow. And he scores a visual fall on the Great One. But Punk collides with Heyman on the apron, and that's all she wrote. Rock keeps the WWE Title.

That's your show. The Rock and John Cena will have Round 2 at WrestleMania. But first, join James and Greg on BlogTalkRadio for the postgame show, and VIP members can listen to our roundtable in about an hour. Good night!


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